Heartbroken.. Divorce in the works

[Strongerlife]

I don't know anymore.. We are getting a divorce. Just not happy anymore, husband wants it. We discussed things in detail and are amicable. Did a bc, no cheating, no abuse, etc.. He dosent do counseling but I think I may start. He has been depressed since fall time and we started just gong awry..

 

However I've been with him since I was 17. I'm broken, tried to be strong these past few weeks but today was awful. Told my boss letting her know I want extra hours that may come up.. Of course everyone now knows in the office. Not a big deal but I don't think my heartbreak should be the source of gossip

 

I had a breakdown tonight, cried and my heart actually hurt. My kids hugged me and understand what's going on.. (11 & 13) when stbx came home he came in the room, asked what happened and I told him. Sobbed about how hard this is, how I trusted him with my heart all these years... He said nearly nothing. Broke my heart all over.

 

 

We are going to a mediator as soon as we can afford to. I'll keep the house (although it's in his name, bought when we were married but I wasn't working then) and custody of the kids. We agree on everything.. That's nice but it dosent help my heart. He is a decent man that is a good person, that's why this is so hard for me.

 

Why am I so upset? I can't imagine him moving on with anyone else in the future, I'm so sad. I lobe him, I don't know a life without him as my husband (I'm 34, so it's been 17 years together..). I can't imagine myself with anyone else but I feel so emotionally depraved. I crave the love and cuddles I doubt anyone would compare Antwan's..

 

I've tried to keep busy.. I just can't. I'm not happy doing anything. He will move out in a few months when it can be done financially. We talked with the kids, he will have open visitation and see them often (he is a great dad).

 

Our only issue is getting the house into my name... Hoping a lawyer can help us with that part.

 

How does one move on when you don't want the divorce and are devastated???

[lilyrocks9956]

I'm sorry to hear about the upcoming divorce between you and your husband. I will be praying for you guys....

 

Anyway, I've never gotten a divorce but I will leave my input on the situation here. First of all I understand the reason you feel like you can't find anybody else you want to be with. You've been with your husband since you were a teenager and now you're in your early 30s. It's been nearly 20 years, OP. This is normal because you haven't worried about other guys ever since, and it scares you. You're in love with your husband and want only him so it feels like you don't need other men. If you want to save this marriage, ask your husband if he would please sit down with you and have a talk. Tell the kids to do something in their rooms for a while or maybe go out to one of your favorite places to do it. Explain to your husband how you feel and that the idea of divorce breaks your heart. Ask him what makes him want to, then lead on from there.

 

 

If the marriage has gotten to the point it can't be saved, then my best advice is to give you and your kids time to heal. It'll be hard I understand that, but if your husband isn't willing to try to save the marriage then there's nothing you can do but respect that he wants to move on. If/when you do date again understand your kids may feel a sense of betrayal because the man you're with isn't their dad and you'll have to explain what's going on that mom feels lonely now that you and their dad have divorced.

 

I wish you best of luck.

Edited February 24, 2016 by lilyrocks9956

[whichwayisup]

Just not happy anymore, husband wants it. We discussed things in detail and are amicable. Did a bc, no cheating, no abuse, etc.. He dosent do counseling but I think I may start. He has been depressed since fall time and we started just gong awry..

 

Do go to counseling, it'll help you cope with everything in a healthier way and ask him to go with you for couples counseling so you both can learn to be co parents. Who knows, maybe if he goes he'll see that divorcing isn't such a good idea and he'll work on himself and the marriage to fix things. Just a shame to throw in the towel without trying to make it work. You two owe it to your kids to give it your best.

[Strongerlife]

I agree. He won't go to counseling.. He never was a big talker. This is the way it is, I'm just having a hard time with it.

 

He knows how I feel.. We talked for weeks. But he's not really happy so that's that.

 

Just trying to figure out the emotions.. So I can still function

[lilyrocks9956]

I agree. He won't go to counseling.. He never was a big talker. This is the way it is, I'm just having a hard time with it.

 

He knows how I feel.. We talked for weeks. But he's not really happy so that's that.

 

Just trying to figure out the emotions.. So I can still function

 

That seriously sucks I'm so sorry. I send you my sympathies and good luck with healing.

[ontar]

How does one move on when you don't want the divorce and are devastated???

 

You realize you have no other option but to crawl up in a fetal position in the corner, and your survival instincts kick in and you do what is necessary.

[healingsoul]

I so feel your pain. "I had a breakdown tonight, cried and my heart actually hurt." You said things seemed to start to go awry since he has been depressed. It is quite possible he is really struggling with actual mental illness depression and needs help to get back to himself. From many personal experiences in knowing people who struggle with depression it can cloud your thinking and feelings--thus why he seemed so cold hearted when you were crying and he nearly said nothing.

 

Do go get help for yourself. Release that this is going to be very painful also for your precious children and they will need counseling also.

 

I know when I struggled in life and wanted to divorce my husband simply would not discuss it. We were married about as long as you and he simply would not discuss the "d" word. Now that we are married 32 years I am so grateful that he was so committed to our marriage. This reminds me of how committed you are to your marriage. While in my case I was willing to go to counseling; I did find that when two people married even work on themselves like you are planning to be in private counseling. I wish your husband would go to private counseling.

 

What would he say if you tell him you don't want to divorce? You want to stay committed to the marriage and want to work through it. It is not a matter of clinging on to someone; it is a matter of fighting for your marriage -- and if you truly love your husband and have not been through cheating or abuse -- you do have something to fight for.

 

So how would he respond if you said you didn't want one and wanted to remain committed?

[danny11]

Give it time, be coo about it unless there is another women its not over. no one just walks away from 17 years together no matter who you are.

 

However if there is another women then that changes everything.

[KBarletta]

Honestly, I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said the following:

 

A. He has been depressed since last fall.

B. He doesn't talk and won't go for counseling.

 

Honestly, if he is depressed and it is affecting your relationship, he owes it to himself and to you to address that issue, because that could be THE issue here. I am not saying that would solve everything, but nothing is going to get solved with him until that issue is addressed. Leaving his family is not going to change that.

 

If I could give you one piece of advice, I would urge you to push him as hard as you can to get him to commit to individual and joint counseling for a month or two, before you do anything to break up your family. If he refuses to go, there isn't much you can do, but I think it's the only hope you have.

[Mr. Lucky]

Did a bc

 

What is "bc" ?

 

How does one move on when you don't want the divorce and are devastated???

 

You know, I just changed my sig today to say this:

 

"When we are no longer able to change a situation ... we are challenged to change ourselves."-- Viktor Frankl

 

And the truth is, that's the task before you. With two kids, you don't have the luxury of collapsing emotionally, have to be strong for them. You're going to have to perceive yourself as a person, not half of a couple. Counseling will help and, divorced or together, the personal growth will be an asset going forward. Keep posting, there's lots of hard earned knowledge from similar situations here ...

 

Mr. Lucky