Should I stop being cold?

[MissCongeniality]

I have never been good at opening up to people and when I try not to be cold and try to open up to people I end up regretting it. Basically it's like if I'm not the bitch who hurts people I end up being the one that gets hurt and I like being a bitch over being someone's bitch and because of that trust doesn't come easy for me.

[olivebranch]

There is a middle gound, boundaries are always going to have their place in every relationship... Being honest in small things is good, it builds trust and can be powerful in all different areas and levels of communication, but in the same reality you can also gaurd your heart and should. You don't need to be afraid of being honest or keeping certain things to yourself, depending on what your intuition dictates. Not taking interactions with others too seriously or ruminating on the outcome when you make efforts toward relating is a good way to grow and not beat yourself up or feel rejected and resentful when you aren't sure you've been or will be received well.

 

Just as you have your walls... And they serve you, so do others. It's when the walls get too high and impenetrable for your own health and sense of being a part of, that comes the problem of trust.

 

There are the safe ones and unsafe ones out there. There is a book called ' safe people; how to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren't ' written by two authors who work in the arena of boundaries.

 

I dunno if it's OK to share specific books like that, but I think finding your boundaries and sticking to them can help discern which areas you are OK in being more open and where it will be safe and rewarding to do so... Keeping in mind that embracing flaws- ours and other's- while still making sure we are well taken care of and respected, is a way to grow beyond them and can serve in deeper experiences... Even if and when sometimes we aren't satisfied or get let down and hurt. Sometimes tension is what makes a bond stronger and is how we get to know self and others better.

 

Every mistake and every time we get taken (for a fool,) as long as it isn't so damaging that we aren't able to survive the 'wound' can serve as self-knowledge and knowledge in general that simply can't be learned any other way but through enough life experience and willingness to push the envelope and break outside the forms that don't fit us (as we truly are) and are preventing life-saving and life-affirming and deep bonds that are authentic and necessary- even for the most introverted among us...

 

Even the most cynnical and wounded... Myself included. You fall down seven, get up eight... And be rigorously self-honest and just do it.

 

Modifications can always be made, but a lifetime not lived to it's full potential is not what anyone truly wants- my best wishes to you on finding the friends that will be there the best they can love you and to you becoming the person you were meant to be on this sphere.

Edited February 25, 2016 by olivebranch

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I understand your dilemma rather well. I have had this issue myself since I was very young. I am male, and back then I was a rather smart ass one. I was only mimicking my parents though, so I thought people where just being mean. I was only about 6 years old in this specific case, but one day I decided that I would simply be meaner. I did not stop there. I also became the most ferocious. Being a guy I guess this takes more of a physical turn and I got into a LOT of arguments and fist fights. It took a few years, during which I eventually became quite the confident fighter.

 

Unfortunately, that was not the right way to deal with any of it. While I realize your case is not exactly like my own, I also realize that it is very similar in how it will serve you in the end. I am the result of a lifetime of this sort of attitude. I have, but one friend and I only managed to keep him because I am smart enough to limit my interactions at this point so as not to burn out my last buddy. My family still loves me, but also they fear me. I am like a shepherd dog that occasionally turns on his flock. The wolf has learned to fear me woefully, but then so have the sheep. In the end I am left alone, isolated in a prison of my own design.

 

It is smart to be on guard to an extent, but your stuck in defense mode. I suggest in the end to do some reading on setting proper boundaries (feel free to pm me on this). If you can figure out proper boundaries you can be confident in your ability to keep people at an appropriate distance as per your relationship with that person. When you feel confident enough in this area you can trust yourself to be in control, then you can begin to trust others a little at a time.

 

This is not a quick fix, but your are pretty far along in that you acknowledge the problem and are taking steps to right it. Good luck and let us know how things are progressing.