Concert invite etc

[goldengirl11]

I've got myself into an awkward situation re a concert invite this summer which a male friend (who I am NOT involved with, but is fair to say is quite smitten with me) and his wife have kindly invited me to.

 

I really don't want to go, due to this famous singer (we'd be going to see) becoming ever so smug about getting married and starting a family lately, which makes me feel a failure for not having done so at 37 and fear so much that I won't. Also, if I told him this, I'm sure he'd say that he understood, but would likely reassure me that my turn would come - and persuade me to still go! I previously met this friend at another of her concerts a few years back.

 

I appreciate the kind offer, but was secretly a bit cross that he booked me a ticket without me agreeing first - he said they would've gone otherwise. They are also quite expensive, which he said not to worry about, as I can pay in bits. His wife is also insisting that I should pay, which of course I should.

 

I thought about saying I was going on holiday then, but I would probably have to go into detail and when the time comes he'd most likely want to see the photos. He also regularly messages me and asks for new photos of myself, which although is flattering, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

 

He said that if I do meet someone that he would be over the moon for me, but would be jealous. I stress that nothing has happened between us, which is how I want it to stay. Besides, he's happily married and is almost 30 years older than me! He's also keen to come and see me in the Spring when his wife goes away for a few days.

 

I feel guilty to possibly push him away because he has been supportive re personal worries recently.

 

Thanks

Edited February 24, 2016 by goldengirl11

[goldengirl11]

Am embarrassed to bump this thread up, but any advice on how I can get out of this concert please? I hope our posts aren't easily read on the internet!

[preraph]

Don't concoct a big story about it. Just tell them you're sorry, but you will be unable to go. And if they want you to sell the ticket, tell them you never asked them to buy the ticket to begin with and can't afford it. Tell them to take someone else. No excuses. Just say, I can't make it and wasn't planning on going, period.

 

Chances are this guy who is into you told his wife something false like you'd never forgive him if he didn't get a ticket or some crap anyway, so just bust it out in the open. Tell her if you feel more comfortable. "I wasn't planning on going and don't really want to go or spend the money. Please let someone else use the ticket."

[SSJROMANCE]

YOU did not get u into an awkward situation - HE did. And it's clear his intentions are more than what his wife thinks they are. DO NOT let this guy box u into a corner. The only one who wants you to go is him.

 

Kindly decline the offer and do not use the excuse about not having money to pay for the ticket because it will only get worse. He will offer to pay for it and now you feel that u owe him something. You don't have to lie. Tell him u are not interested and leave it at that. Quite frankly it's downright rude to do what he did.

[goldengirl11]

Thanks for the replies both of you. It is difficult. I recall around the time he had booked them a few months ago, I had told him that I felt uncomfortable going and would be happy if he took someone else instead e.g his daughter, but he insisted I went. Also that I shouldn't worry about the money, as it's fine to pay in bits. I feel I have no choice and if I admit how I feel about not wanting to go again, he is bound to say that he understands and would repeat that he knows we would all have a good time and would be upset on the night if I didn't go. I appreciate his friendship, but... I feel this may spoil it and may seem ungrateful? Sorry!

[preraph]

He's manipulating you with this. You need to set a boundary. Otherwise, you're really just encouraging his interest. He's not interested in "just being friends." He's trying to work up to something. You should nip anything uncomfortable so you're not sending the wrong message to him.

[goldengirl11]

Thanks, will try. He also often asks if I can post new photos on FB, which is a bit uncomfortable. It's flattering, but I just see him as a friend. Mainly because of the big age gap and he's married of course. He also sent me a thinking of you card earlier, which he came across. Very sweet, but secretly felt a bit angry. I don't want to go behind his back and message his wife (re concert), as he really seems to care. Also no-one else seems to care about me to this extent right now tbh. I'm starting to give up hope I think in having a family of my own!

[preraph]

I wouldn't be too sure he really cares. After all, a caring person doesn't do this behind their wife's back! I think he's just angling to get you in bed and if he knew that was never ever going to happen, he'd clear out.

[TunaCat]

You need to flat out say NO. You do not owe him an explanation.

 

He wants to start something with you right under his wife's nose. No good man would do this to his wife. Who care what he would think or feel. You need to get yourself out of this situation before he charms the pants right OFF you.

 

Just tell him that no you will not be attending the concert. Boom. Case closed.

[SSJROMANCE]

Thanks, will try. He also often asks if I can post new photos on FB, which is a bit uncomfortable. It's flattering, but I just see him as a friend. Mainly because of the big age gap and he's married of course. He also sent me a thinking of you card earlier, which he came across. Very sweet, but secretly felt a bit angry. I don't want to go behind his back and message his wife (re concert), as he really seems to care. Also no-one else seems to care about me to this extent right now tbh. I'm starting to give up hope I think in having a family of my own!

 

 

You are suffering from low self-esteem, the need for validation, a lack of boundaries and people pleasing syndrome. This will only get you in trouble that you will later regret. What married man sends a card saying THINKING OF YOU? What married man asks you to POST MORE PICTURES OF YOURSELF? What married man pressures you to go with him to a concert? Because of your condition you are flattered, you don't want to offend, you think it's sweet and basically you want to make him happy. ALL SIGNS OF AN UNHEALTHY WAY OF THINKING.

 

Look my wife suffered through this for years and went through five years of counseling trying to figure out why she always put others feelings in front of herself. Why she allowed guys to use her. Why she couldn't say no. Why she never cared about herself only for others. Why she needed validation from guys in the form of sex. Why she felt angry afterwards. Why she knew it was wrong but did it anyways. She was almost "sick" mentally (actually was - bi-polar) and she STILL to this day can regress at any given time.

 

Take the advice of all on this thread who can see RIGHT THROUGH this guy and stand up for yourself. He is NOT your friend. He wants something from you that he cannot get from his wife. Gracefully deny. Don't let him talk you into this. If you have to cut off your friendship. What he is doing to you NO FRIEND would do. This is only difficult for you because you have an unhealthy way of thinking. Healthy people would have NO problem putting this guy in his place where he belongs.

Edited March 7, 2016 by SSJROMANCE

[goldengirl11]

Thanks everyone

 

To say earlier this week, had actually lost my temper a bit (very unlike me), when he FB'd me one morning to say he was aching to see another picture of me. Basically I replied saying that I didn't feel comfortable posting pics to stir him on. Nor I was interested in getting involved with a married man either, to which he responded I was so right. He did say that he was a bit hurt re the pics though and that he'd hoped there had beena misunderstanding. He also left me an answerphone message on Fri, firstly apologising for ringing and then saying he thought we'd always agreed that we'd never take the friendship further. Also agreeing we shouldn't stay in touch so much. Haven't replied or turned down the concert yet either!

 

Thanks again for advice.

[preraph]

See, he knows exactly how wrong he's being, but he's made his own rules for how much is too much, in his head. But they're crap rules! He's way over the line. Men these days! Expecting you to supply them custom personal porn in the form of photos! Such weasely behavior.

[goldengirl11]

To add that I finally told him that I wouldn't be able to attend the concert, because my parents had gone and booked a holiday then. Also that I hadn't planned on going. He said that he was absolutely gutted I wouldn't be going now and would feel hurt on the night. Also that he hopes we are still friends and that he'll ring me when he gets the chance.

I feel quite guilty re turning down the concert invite, but feel relieved that I put my own feelings first for a change. I'm sure he and his wife will still have a great time.

Thanks again for the support.

[preraph]

Well, I'm very glad you did. He is just so manipulative. Telling you how gutted he is. Please. Trying to make you feel guilty when all you're doing is following some basic rules of ethics.

[whichwayisup]

To add that I finally told him that I wouldn't be able to attend the concert, because my parents had gone and booked a holiday then. Also that I hadn't planned on going. He said that he was absolutely gutted I wouldn't be going now and would feel hurt on the night. Also that he hopes we are still friends and that he'll ring me when he gets the chance.

I feel quite guilty re turning down the concert invite, but feel relieved that I put my own feelings first for a change. I'm sure he and his wife will still have a great time.

Thanks again for the support.

 

He would feel 'hurt'? Are you kidding me! This man is manipulating and playing a game.

 

GOOD for you for calling him out. And for not going to the concert. He isn't a friend! DO NOT feel guilty for putting yourself first. You should be proud that you've taken control and put him in his place. Best thing you can do now is distance yourself from and cut him out of your life. Again, he's no friend.