I've had other boyfriends cheat, so call me paranoid? or perceptive?

[delishious]

I need to know if I'm freaking out for no reason.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating 1 year. When we first got together, I didn't ask him anything about his history. Personally, I don't see much use in it - it just creates hard feelings, jealousy and resentment.

 

Up until this week, I never questioned the status of our relationship as being anything but monogamous. However, one of the guys on his hockey team told me that he went to an x-gf's house just a few months ago to pick up some belongings at her house. He thought Mike (my bf) had actually lived with this past gf at some point. Problem is, the timeline doesn't work well. I found this hockey team for him to join 9 months ago, and we had been dating for a few months beforehand under impression of monogamous. When did he really break up with this girlfriend? Was he dating both of us and for how long?

 

Last weekend, he also popped that he's going to another city 6 hours away this weekend (now). Its just he, his best friend, and three girls I have never met from university. I asked him the reason for the trip (which I would otherwise be supportive of, but let's consider the circumstances and the information I had just been given, both he and his friend have girlfriends and neither of us are invited), and he said for a concert and festival. He seemed very nervous and short when I asked him anything about this trip.

 

I haven't talked to him about any of this. I didnt' want to send him off to a 6hour weekend vacation with 3 girls thinking his girlfriend was mad at him. Tomorrow he comes back. I am interested to know other people's interpretations of these events.

[Female Guest]

could be this 'friend' of his is trying to break you two up..ie moving in on his friend's girl ...or that he just hates your bf for some reason unknown to either of you

 

could also be they are both planning to cheat on you and the other gf

 

could also be they are thinking by telling you about it they are in the clear to cheat

 

could also be they are both cheaters and they cover for one another

 

the fact that someone is nervous and eager to get off the phone is telling....does it mean that he is nervous because of your tone of voice, fearful youwill break up with him, or does it mean he really is preparing to cheat and you are putting him on notice by asking about it and your tone of voice?

 

 

hmmmm....

[d'Arthez]

It could be both. Have you checked if there is in fact a festival going on? If the only concert would be of a symphony orchestra, chances are that he is not there for the concert.

 

It is suspicious that neither you, or the other gf were invited for this, let alone that he made it clear long beforehand, that he was going to the trip (otherwise you probably would have asked to come with him, or who was going to come with him long before now).

 

As for the hockey-team incident, chances are that he dated both you and his ex-gf at the same time; or possibly even had a relationship with her, during the first months of you dating him.

Can you ask him, if you and his ex can talk a bit? In that way you can find out a couple of things, and if his and her version are wildly different, you know that it spells a lot of problems.

 

Because you did not ask, you have no certainty about his ex-gf. Hopefully, if things don't work out, you will prevent that mistake.

[EnigmaXOXO]

both he and his friend have girlfriends and neither of us are invited.

 

But the other girls were??

 

My interpretation of this recent turn of events is the same as yours. Sex wouldn't even have to enter into the equation for it to be a deal-breaker for me. Nor would the recent revelation about his ex girlfriend from the past. I wouldn't even have to know that in advance to realize this relationship was on it's way out.

 

It's enough that these frat buddies have shown a blatant lack of respect and consideration towards BOTH girlfriends at home, and I'd be willing to wager these boys would feel equally uncomfortable had you two ladies taken off for a weekend with three strange men. Would you have ever considered doing that to him??

 

If I were in this situation, I know at least one Goodtime Charley who would have no girlfriend to come home to!

[Mr Spock]

There is nothing you can do to stop your man from cheating except BE there. And even that doesn't work all the time. Because your man will be like "Hey, look over there-I'm going to go f*ck this bitch"

(Chris Rock Rules)

 

 

If he's being squirrelly about the trip chances are he wants to hump one of the girls. Ask why you aren't invited along, and if he can't think of a good reason dump him.

[delishious]

here is some clarification on the issue:

 

could be this 'friend' of his is trying to break you two up..ie moving in on his friend's girl ...or that he just hates your bf for some reason unknown to either of you

>> no he is actually my best friends' boyfriend. it came directly through him, and he has no ulterior motive than to inform because he is crazy about my best friend.

 

could also be they are both planning to cheat on you and the other gf

>>damn. this sucks. i have been wondering this, because the guy he went away with for the weekend has a gf but constantly looks, talks, acts as if hes single and searching. i dont think she sees this side. my question is does my bf have this side that is hidden as well?

 

could also be they are both cheaters and they cover for one another

>> i guarantee when i nail him down and ask him forthright about this issue tonight, looking me in the eye the entire time, i will be able to see. i can usually read him like a book (his emotions show, terrible liar when confronted) and this will answer my question even if not verbally.

 

the fact that someone is nervous and eager to get off the phone is telling....does it mean that he is nervous because of your tone of voice, fearful youwill break up with him, or does it mean he really is preparing to cheat and you are putting him on notice by asking about it and your tone of voice?

>>if he cheats or has cheated, i think my heart will break. i better put my doctor on notice for heart surgery, because i can feel it coming even as i think about it. it will mean there are no good men in this world.

[EnigmaXOXO]

it will mean there are no good men in this world.

 

Nope. It doesn't.

 

Unless you have had the opportunity to meet all the billions and billions of people out there, and each one of them betrays you, then we can't ever make this assumption about all men or all women.

 

You're young and at your physical prime, and chances are this guy is only the first of many you will have an opportunity to meet and spend time with before hanging up the spurs. It's rather early in your relationship career and there are still a lot of lessons to be learned about yourself and others before you will have acquired the experience necessary to make better choices regarding a satisfactory relationship "fit" for you.

 

Shoot, most of time we don't even know which behaviors/personalities we can or can't tolerate until we've actually experienced them!

 

The more you live and learn, the higher your expectations will become, and the more careful you'll be about your choices in the future. There are a LOT of good men out there. But unless you're among the lucky few, you'll probably have to kiss a swamp full of toads before you find your prince.

 

Hopefully, you'll take enough care of yourself not to catch any warts (or STDs) in the meantime. And don't tolerate any cheater (no matter what their sob story) who would so thoughtlessly expose you to such risks, making it even more difficult for you to be intimate with that 'good man' who might come along in the future.

 

While people have right to live their lives as recklessly and thoughtlessly as they choose, no one has the authority (or right) to selfishly risk the rest of yours. If ever you think someone's behavior may be putting you in jeopardy, you have the absolute right to ask the questions and demand the answers you need in order to do what's best for you.

 

By the way, my personal philosophy is that there's no such thing as "paranoia"… I prefer to call it "heightened awareness!"