Live-in boyfriend has slept with nearly 100 women..ouch

[ladyvino]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, so I apologise if this has come up before. But I could really use your advice.

 

I'm in a two-year relationship with a very good guy and we only very recently moved in together two months ago. I have never asked him how many people he's slept with, although I knew it was higher than my own number.

 

At the weekend, during a conversation and sex and relationships within a group, a bigmouth made a joke about my boyfriend having been with "nearly 100" women. I was in total shock and my boyfriend looked uneasy.

Later, I asked him if that was accurate and he said "well... almost", but didn't want to discuss it further, so I left it.

 

Now, I just can't help being seriously put off by this. But I am not a bull-in-a-china-shop, nor that much of a risktaker. I'm the sort of person who plans things, writes things down, so I thought about it and wrote down what I thought were my main issues with this:

 

1) He doesn't care who he sleeps with. I am a much more guarded person and my number is pitiful compared to his. I detect a conflict in values. "Nearly 100" is very promiscuous to me suggests that he is willing to share the most intimate part of him with pretty much anybody.

 

2) He might become bored. I can't imagine a person who has been with that many people will want to remain with one person for the long-haul. I worry he will get irritated and want to sleep around again.

 

3) I am jealous because I assume he had a much more fun, confident and lively youth than I did. And that maybe I should have taken all those opportunities that were offered to me. Maybe then I would understand more.

 

Does anyone have something that may calm me down?

[PegNosePete]

1) He doesn't care who he sleeps with.

You have been together for 2 years. How many people has he slept with during that time?

 

Has he ever cheated in the past?

 

Those two questions are much more relevant to you, than how many people he slept with in the past.

 

2) He might become bored. I can't imagine a person who has been with that many people will want to remain with one person for the long-haul.

Whereas someone who has only been with 1 or 2 others might become bored and want to try something different. There is a risk with any relationship. The question you should be asking is, he's been with you for 2 years, is he showing any actual signs of getting bored yet? Or is this all in your mind? If it's all in your mind, you're risking self-sabotage. Your fears will cause you to withdraw, which harm to your relationship.

 

3) I am jealous because I assume he had a much more fun, confident and lively youth than I did. And that maybe I should have taken all those opportunities that were offered to me. Maybe then I would understand more.

Life is full of maybe's. You can't change the past. Maybe if you had taken more risks you would have got some diseases or into a bad relationship. Have you heard of the butterfly effect? If you had done more of these things then you probably wouldn't be where you are now, just moved in together in a 2 year relationship with a great guy...

[Toodaloo]

1. As long as he isn't carrying STD's etc that could harm your health I don't see a problem at all with that number. Guys brag, they take it when they can get it because sex is sex... making love on the other hand with that emotional connection is for them out of this world.

 

2. If you are the girl for him then it is highly unlikely he will sleep around. Just because he has got about doesn't mean that he was cheating on all of those women. Completely different concepts there.

 

3. He is with YOU. Trust me. 99.9% of those shags, which were probably a one off 99.5% of the time were probably drunken frolics that can easily be forgotten and in many case were bad enough that they already have been. You on the other hand are getting to know his mind and body... Totally different. No need to be jealous of someone getting rubbish sex.

 

What you have to remember here is that he didn't want you to know as he probably guessed that it would upset you. Hence your feelings mean something to him. He cares about you. Not 100 other girls. You.

 

As for values... You may well have the same which is why he didn't settle with any of the other women. Lets face it if someone gave you a piece of cake on a plate you would eat it. While you may struggle with this analogy it is apt. We women are more emotional about sex than men are. Far more emotional. But the guys. Once they have that emotional and sexual connection click for them... They rarely go back to gallivanting for the simple reason that they like it better.

[elaine567]

Everyone can make lots of soothing noises and can say its OK and he is with you, so just forget about his past.

They can say he is unlikely to cheat on you, accept him for who he is, he is just a man, it was just wild oats,... etc. etc.

BUT it really all hinges on YOU, can YOU live with it, be relaxed and enjoy the relationship from here on in?

 

If you are going to be insecure, mistrustful and jealous then it isn't going to work. If you cannot get past it, and are always thinking of it, then it will sour your relationship. If, after you have calmed down, you feel he is no longer the man you thought he was, then you need to end it, building resentment which is what will then happen, will make you both miserable.

 

Everyone has a past, some of it we are proud of, some of it we aren't - we cannot change it.

Some of us can accept the past of those we choose to get involved with, some of us just can't.

[PrettyEmily77]

Well, people could give you advice based on their own values and experiences, but your opinion / gut instinct is what matters in the end - if you don't think you can live it, ultimately that's your call to make. Maybe talking it over with him and listening to his perspective could help?

 

On a personal level, I don't really get the importance of the number thing. Have never discussed it with any partner because the outcome doesn't really affect me, whatever it is.

 

One of my closest friends got cheated on by her childhood sweetheart H of 12 years, my brother is now a committed, loyal and faithful H and a super father and he had a very colourful past (probably not far off your BF), so I don't relate numbers with values at all.

 

That being said, I also know plenty of people who would have a major issue dealing with high number partners for a host of reasons that are perfectly valid to them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

In my opinion, men that view sex that casually are more likely to cheat. I have had many male friends over the years who have slept with high numbers of women (ONS, FWBs etc). They have cheated on pretty much every gf they ever had. Even girls that they said were "the one".

 

These men are usually very charming and have high confidence so they attract many women along the way. Many women think that they will be "the one" to change them. They all fail of course.

 

Now I am sure there are exceptions to this but get yourself tested just in case. Emotional wounds heal, STDs are forever.

[TheBathWater]

Your reaction is normal. If this is the first time you have had this kind of reaction to him, I wouldn't worry. He sounds committed to you and the relationship, and judging by his reaction, he seems to care a lot about what you feel and think. Plus, he just moved in with you. All good signs in my eyes.

 

I've been with a high number of women too. Honestly, me and the majority of men I know who pursued that lifestyle at one point never really wanted to be some lifetime playboy. It was often a rite of passage since men are supposed to pursue, and some guys gain their confidence and skill with women this way. Gaining new sex partners for guys might offer a similar level of validation as does a woman who receives attention and flattery. Women really don't have to sleep with a lot of guys to become skilled with men, but guys really do need to. I hate to say "don't hate the player, hate the game," but there's some truth to it in the reality of male/female dynamics. In any case, most of us guys really want to find that ONE special woman and commit to her forever. It sounds like he has chosen you and you've chosen him.

 

It might be hard to take in still, but try to remember that he is the man you fell in love with, and that everything that happened in the past (BEFORE he met awesome you) led him to you. He's been there, done that. Now you're his focus.

 

Lastly, I think it's important to continue working through your insecurities around this. Talking with him about it might help. If it continues to bother you and cause you to doubt your 'value' as a mate in the relationship, seek counseling.

 

Good luck.

[TheBathWater]

In my opinion, men that view sex that casually are more likely to cheat. I have had many male friends over the years who have slept with high numbers of women (ONS, FWBs etc). They have cheated on pretty much every gf they ever had. Even girls that they said were "the one".

 

These men are usually very charming and have high confidence so they attract many women along the way. Many women think that they will be "the one" to change them. They all fail of course.

 

Now I am sure there are exceptions to this but get yourself tested just in case. Emotional wounds heal, STDs are forever.

 

I respect your past experiences that have led you to write this, but I have to disagree. I have been with a high number of women and have never cheated on any of my girlfriends. I don't know enough about the boyfriend in this post to say for sure who he really is personality wise, but based on what the OP wrote, I think he sounds committed to her and the relationship.

[elaine567]

Your reaction is normal. If this is the first time you have had this kind of reaction to him, I wouldn't worry. He sounds committed to you and the relationship, and judging by his reaction, he seems to care a lot about what you feel and think. .

 

Erm... he looked uneasy and didn't want to talk about it...

[ladyvino]

Erm... he looked uneasy and didn't want to talk about it...

 

In fairness to him, I think that's because he thought I would react just the way I'm reacting right now. I think quite a lot of people would be uncomfortable proudly announcing they have slept with that many people.

[Emilia]

I agree with ES and point 1. the OP raised. Not so much about cheating but very long term prospects. All the high number men I know have had several women on the go and justified it to themselves why they weren't always honest about that. Two of them were my flatmates and I lived with them for years. They are hooked on the chase and talk about women a lot. I also find it a turn off when someone doesn't have standards, 100+ women under the age of 40 and especially 35 means at times going home with a person who is the last one standing in a bar. No thanks.

 

Or needing constant validation and competition with other men. Again no thanks

[ladyvino]

I agree with ES and point 1. the OP raised. Not so much about cheating but very long term prospects. All the high number men I know have had several women on the go and justified it to themselves why they weren't always honest about that. Two of them were my flatmates and I lived with them for years. They are hooked on the chase and talk about women a lot. I also find it a turn off when someone doesn't have standards, 100+ women under the age of 40 and especially 35 means at times going home with a person who is the last one standing in a bar. No thanks.

 

Or needing constant validation and competition with other men. Again no thanks

 

But what if you found out about it when you were already in a relationship with such a person? Would you end it on that premise?

[Emilia]

But what if you found out about it when you were already in a relationship with such a person? Would you end it on that premise?

 

I dated one guy like this and chose not to go beyond a certain level because of the above. I've never been in a serious relationship with anyone that had a number even close to 100 so I can't tell you what I would do exactly.

 

However, I usually know with men like this that something is off and maybe that's what you are sensing too. You need to figure it out.

[Tribble]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, so I apologise if this has come up before. But I could really use your advice.

 

I'm in a two-year relationship with a very good guy and we only very recently moved in together two months ago. I have never asked him how many people he's slept with, although I knew it was higher than my own number.

 

At the weekend, during a conversation and sex and relationships within a group, a bigmouth made a joke about my boyfriend having been with "nearly 100" women. I was in total shock and my boyfriend looked uneasy.

Later, I asked him if that was accurate and he said "well... almost", but didn't want to discuss it further, so I left it.

 

Now, I just can't help being seriously put off by this. But I am not a bull-in-a-china-shop, nor that much of a risktaker. I'm the sort of person who plans things, writes things down, so I thought about it and wrote down what I thought were my main issues with this:

 

1) He doesn't care who he sleeps with. I am a much more guarded person and my number is pitiful compared to his. I detect a conflict in values. "Nearly 100" is very promiscuous to me suggests that he is willing to share the most intimate part of him with pretty much anybody.

 

2) He might become bored. I can't imagine a person who has been with that many people will want to remain with one person for the long-haul. I worry he will get irritated and want to sleep around again.

 

3) I am jealous because I assume he had a much more fun, confident and lively youth than I did. And that maybe I should have taken all those opportunities that were offered to me. Maybe then I would understand more.

 

Does anyone have something that may calm me down?

 

 

Your reaction is completely normal and it's great that you have taken the time to process your thoughts before going a bit crazy. Also good you're asking for perspective as it shows you recognise you could be too close to the situation. So, my perspective on your thoughts.

 

1) He may be promiscuous, but it doesn't necessarily mean a difference in values. Have you spoken about how you feel about sex? Just because someone has got around a bit doesn't mean he doesn't value sex that means something. And these values can shift. I had a ONS my first time and didn't really care so much about sex. To my it was a physical act, no big deal. Then I met and slept with my ex and it was something else entirely. Now, I wouldn't want sex without the emotional connection, it's empty in comparison. He may have changed how he views things. Second thing on this point, don't see your past as 'pitiful'. Your past is what makes you who you are and is neither positive or negative.

 

 

2) You don't know what that sex was like. One nighters rarely shake the earth, they're just basic sex (usually). A LTR gives you chance to experiment and feel safe. He may have got bored with one time sex.

 

 

3) I completely relate to you and I feel that way too. I missed out on the sleeping around and experimenting thing and sometimes I wish I could have done something. My ex had to basically teach me to have sex. Which meant it took some time for me to be comfortable and explore and our relationship ran its course before I could fully try some things I secretly wanted to. But deep, deep down, I wanted him to be my last. It didn't matter that he was significantly more experienced than me (at a younger age). He'd chosen me and I felt it.

 

 

So the question is, did you have any reason to doubt before you found out this information? Is it just this that's making you feel a bit off? If it is, try and remember, he hasn't changed at all from the person you've been with for 2 years. If however, this confirms doubts you have or you cant get over it, you need to think about your relationship.

 

 

Erm... he looked uneasy and didn't want to talk about it...

 

 

This could be one of 2 things. 1) He has something to hide. 2) He's trying to protect her feelings. Who wants it rubbing in their noses all the other girls he's been with. It all depends on which OP thinks it is.

[Emilia]

There is a famous comedian called Frank Skinner (in the UK) and he said once that you couldn't call yourself a compassionate man if you were a womaniser because a lot of the women would want more. I agree with statement and have used that as a yard stick in my personal life.

[elaine567]

In fairness to him, I think that's because he thought I would react just the way I'm reacting right now. I think quite a lot of people would be uncomfortable proudly announcing they have slept with that many people.

 

Of course, highly embarrassing for him to be outed in a group setting, but equally embarrassing for you too, I would have thought.

However, I was just replying to TunainBrine's assertion which didn't seem to tally in with what actually happened.

[elaine567]

There is a famous comedian called Frank Skinner (in the UK) and he said once that you couldn't call yourself a compassionate man if you were a womaniser because a lot of the women would want more. I agree with statement and have used that as a yard stick in my personal life.

 

Yes, Frank Skinner who was a womaniser, said to Russell Brand, another famous womaniser - "I always found that, in order to be a womaniser, you had to turn down your compassion and humanity to get laid"

[Toodaloo]

There is a famous comedian called Frank Skinner (in the UK) and he said once that you couldn't call yourself a compassionate man if you were a womaniser because a lot of the women would want more. I agree with statement and have used that as a yard stick in my personal life.

 

Off topic but Frank is lovely. He is on my "secretly want to marry even though I don't fancy him but could rip his clothes off anyway" list... Along with Dale. But Dale Winton scores higher because he is orange and that is just special...

 

Frank also stopped womanizing when he met the woman he loved...

 

Just saying.

 

Sex and making love to the person you adore are 2 different things.

 

We women often think the first is the second or we hope that the first is the second... its our main downfall when it comes to seeking out relationships I think hence why we invented the 3-5 date rule...

[Emilia]

Off topic but Frank is lovely. He is on my "secretly want to marry even though I don't fancy him but could rip his clothes off anyway" list... Along with Dale. But Dale Winton scores higher because he is orange and that is just special...

 

Frank also stopped womanizing when he met the woman he loved...

 

Just saying.

 

Sex and making love to the person you adore are 2 different things.

 

We women often think the first is the second or we hope that the first is the second... its our main downfall when it comes to seeking out relationships I think hence why we invented the 3-5 date rule...

 

Frank is an alcoholic and he isn't lovely. I don't follow his personal life closely but I know he broke up with his LTR about 15 times (his words) so clearly highly dysfunctional and a touch dark. I also think he is intelligent and worth listening to.

 

I don't find 'we women' statements useful. Everyone should make up their own mind. Leopards and spots is my view

[ladyvino]

You have been together for 2 years. How many people has he slept with during that time?

 

Has he ever cheated in the past?

 

Those two questions are much more relevant to you, than how many people he slept with in the past.

 

Okay, but is it also not relevant that you are compatible in the way you treat such issues?

[Gaeta]

I agree with ES and point 1. the OP raised. Not so much about cheating but very long term prospects. All the high number men I know have had several women on the go and justified it to themselves why they weren't always honest about that. Two of them were my flatmates and I lived with them for years. They are hooked on the chase and talk about women a lot. I also find it a turn off when someone doesn't have standards, 100+ women under the age of 40 and especially 35 means at times going home with a person who is the last one standing in a bar. No thanks.

 

Or needing constant validation and competition with other men. Again no thanks

 

ES is making wide generalization about men that have not chosen to settle down yet.

 

You are making wide generalization on a couple of room-mates, again men that have not decided to settle yet.

 

100 sex parter! meh......I know a man that had over 2000 sex partner in his younger years, once he decided to settle down he made a devoted husband and father. Never cheated, never lacked respect to his wife by checking other women.

 

OP's boyfriend has been with her for 2 years. If they are happy together, if she never had concern about his fidelity than who the heck care about his performance years ago.

 

OP get over it. In 10 years with your boyfriend how important do you think that's gonna be.

[Gaeta]

Okay, but is it also not relevant that you are compatible in the way you treat such issues?

 

The only important issue here is your life together! How does he treat the issues related to your relationship, are you compatible with that? Is the sex between you 2 sacred? is your bond respected by both of you?

 

Why do you care how he treated sex 5 years ago?

 

Don't you think people evolve?

 

Especially from 15 to 25

[Gaeta]

Okay, but is it also not relevant that you are compatible in the way you treat such issues?

 

If he treated sex the way he treated it in his past he would not be with you. He would not have succeeded at maintaining a relationship for 2 years and he would not have moved in with you 2 months ago.

[Emilia]

ES is making wide generalization about men that have not chosen to settle down yet.

 

You are making wide generalization on a couple of room-mates, again men that have not decided to settle yet.

 

100 sex parter! meh......I know a man that had over 2000 sex partner in his younger years, once he decided to settle down he made a devoted husband and father. Never cheated, never lacked respect to his wife by checking other women.

 

OP's boyfriend has been with her for 2 years. If they are happy together, if she never had concern about his fidelity than who the heck care about his performance years ago.

 

OP get over it. In 10 years with your boyfriend how important do you think that's gonna be.

 

Not everyone settles down, the men I referred to are in their 40s and have had relationships, even LTRs. that's the point. I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule.

 

It's the OP's decision whether she saw other warning signs. In the big scheme of things, 2 years are nothing. It takes that long to get to know the person.

 

And a woman that settles with a man who had gone through a whole town is a fool.

[elaine567]

Everyone knows someone who... I know an 80 yo man who smokes 60 a day, never ill in his life... so should we all start smoking on the basis of that evidence???

 

It is not really about "someone who", it is about the OPs bf and none of us know where he stands really.

 

Is he the "reformed" womaniser turned potential family man?

Is he a "sleeper" womaniser - ready to start again given the right opportunity? or is he still a "player" who despite being "serious" with the OP has never really given up his womanising ways?

Who knows???