Live-in boyfriend has slept with nearly 100 women..ouch

[ladyvino]

The only important issue here is your life together! How does he treat the issues related to your relationship, are you compatible with that? Is the sex between you 2 sacred? is your bond respected by both of you?

 

Why do you care how he treated sex 5 years ago?

 

Don't you think people evolve?

 

Especially from 15 to 25

 

I think I care because it shows a degree of incompatibility and a marked huge difference in who we are and how we treat our bodies and other people.

[Gaeta]

I think I care because it shows a degree of incompatibility and a marked huge difference in who we are and how we treat our bodies and other people.

 

If the difference were so huge don't you think you would have felt it in your relationship in the past 2 years?

 

If he treated your body like an object don't you think you would have felt it in the past 2 years?

 

If he had treated people with disrespect around you don't you think you would have witnessed it in the past 2 years?

 

In your relationship with this man, what exactly is he doing wrong?

[Toodaloo]

Frank is a recovering alcoholic and rip roaring drug addict and he isn't lovely. I don't follow his personal life closely but I know he broke up with his LTR about 15 times (his words) before sorting himself out so clearly highly dysfunctional and a touch dark. I also think he is intelligent and worth listening to.

 

I don't find 'we women' statements useful. Everyone should make up their own mind. Leopards and spots is my view

 

Corrected it for you.

 

Emilia people can grow and develop. FS has had many personal issues and problems... Its not been peaches and cream for him. The basics are that he is a decent chap who went really off kilter. Seen it happen to your everyday normal person all the time.

 

I personally find it annoying when we are expected to be PC constantly to the point where you can't say anything with out someone jumping down the gun and screaming blasphemy. Its how spades became known as flat bladed earth moving implements rather than just spades. After all there is such a thing as "context" and I am pretty sure that a woman of your intelligence has a thorough grasp of that concept and its uses.

 

But like you say - Leopards and spots.

[Gaeta]

I think I care because it shows a degree of incompatibility and a marked huge difference in who we are and how we treat our bodies and other people.

 

Compatibility is found in the now with you, not in the past with other women.

[ladyvino]

If the difference were so huge don't you think you would have felt it in your relationship in the past 2 years?

 

If he treated your body like an object don't you think you would have felt it in the past 2 years?

 

If he had treated people with disrespect around you don't you think you would have witnessed it in the past 2 years?

 

In your relationship with this man, what exactly is he doing wrong?

 

I don't think he's disrespectful, no. What worries me is that he places no value on the act itself, whereas I do. I'm naturally quite a guarded person and would not be prepared for someone I've known for just one night to see me in such an intimate way. So what we do loses importance because 100 others got to see him in that way too.

[road]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, so I apologise if this has come up before. But I could really use your advice.

 

I'm in a two-year relationship with a very good guy and we only very recently moved in together two months ago. I have never asked him how many people he's slept with, although I knew it was higher than my own number.

 

At the weekend, during a conversation and sex and relationships within a group, a bigmouth made a joke about my boyfriend having been with "nearly 100" women. I was in total shock and my boyfriend looked uneasy.

Later, I asked him if that was accurate and he said "well... almost", but didn't want to discuss it further, so I left it.

 

Now, I just can't help being seriously put off by this. But I am not a bull-in-a-china-shop, nor that much of a risktaker. I'm the sort of person who plans things, writes things down, so I thought about it and wrote down what I thought were my main issues with this:

 

1) He doesn't care who he sleeps with. I am a much more guarded person and my number is pitiful compared to his. I detect a conflict in values. "Nearly 100" is very promiscuous to me suggests that he is willing to share the most intimate part of him with pretty much anybody.

 

2) He might become bored. I can't imagine a person who has been with that many people will want to remain with one person for the long-haul. I worry he will get irritated and want to sleep around again.

 

3) I am jealous because I assume he had a much more fun, confident and lively youth than I did. And that maybe I should have taken all those opportunities that were offered to me. Maybe then I would understand more.

 

Does anyone have something that may calm me down?

 

What is a number.

 

 

Well to place value on a stand alone number is meaningless.

 

 

To get meaning reference points are needed. So I ask how are you and BF and what is your number?

 

 

All men want to do every attractive woman that the see. Many reasons why they do not. For most men the do not do every attractive woman that the see because they can't get them to put out.

 

 

Now the few men that can do.

 

 

To assume because they can get laid easy does not mean they all will cheat. However having no problem getting laid will tend to keep them from having exclusive relationships.

 

 

Until they meet the one. That is the most important number.

[ladyvino]

What is a number.

 

 

Well to place value on a stand alone number is meaningless.

 

 

To get meaning reference points are needed. So I ask how are you and BF and what is your number?

 

 

All men want to do every attractive woman that the see. Many reasons why they do not. For most men the do not do every attractive woman that the see because they can't get them to put out.

 

 

Now the few men that can do.

 

 

To assume because they can get laid easy does not mean they all will cheat. However having no problem getting laid will tend to keep them from having exclusive relationships.

 

 

Until they meet the one. That is the most important number.

 

I have only been with 10 people.

[PegNosePete]

What worries me is that he places no value on the act itself, whereas I do.

He placed no value on the 99 before you. That doesn't mean he places no value on the act with you. NSA sex is very different than loving sex in a long term relationship.

 

So what we do loses importance because 100 others got to see him in that way too.

In the context of a loving long term relationship? I doubt it!

[Gaeta]

I don't think he's disrespectful, no. What worries me is that he places no value on the act itself, whereas I do. I'm naturally quite a guarded person and would not be prepared for someone I've known for just one night to see me in such an intimate way. So what we do loses importance because 100 others got to see him in that way too.

 

how do you know he places no value on your intimacy??

 

Can you imagine how hurtful it would be for him to hear you say you think he doesn't value sex with you because he's been with several women before?

[Gaeta]

If you are SO hung up on the number of sex partners why didn't you clear this with him when you met?

 

When I met my ex-husband I was a virgin, he had been with many women before me. We were married 15 years and he never NEVER cheated on me or gave attention to other women than ME. He knew I was special because he had sampled many women before so when he got to me he said to himself THAT ONE I want for the rest of my life.

 

Your boyfriend picked YOU over anyone else. That is more meaningful than any man being with you because he wants to keep his number low.

[ladyvino]

If you are SO hung up on the number of sex partners why didn't you clear this with him when you met?

 

Because I'm a smart person. I know never to ask in case you don't like the answer and it could ruin things. So I didn't ask. I found this out by mistake, remember.

[PegNosePete]

I found this out by mistake, remember.

And since finding out, what has changed, apart from your own perceptions? He has not changed one bit. He is exactly the same guy that he was before you found out, and you had absolutely no doubts before finding out, right? Why do you now have doubts? He hasn't done anything. The only thing that has changed is you.

[ladyvino]

And since finding out, what has changed, apart from your own perceptions? He has not changed one bit. He is exactly the same guy that he was before you found out, and you had absolutely no doubts before finding out, right? Why do you now have doubts? He hasn't done anything. The only thing that has changed is you.

 

Yes, my perception of him has changed quite dramatically. Maybe I am just too conservative for him.

[SSJROMANCE]

The first question that comes to mind is what scenarios where they? Was he a player? Cheating on girlfriends? Forcing himself on the weak low self esteem women? Did he mislead other women to get them in bed? Did he spend money on escorts? Something is up with this guy to have been with 100 women. That's huge red flag in my book. Any guy or any women who has slept with 100 people is not worthily in my opinion and should be hooked up with someone who has the same past.

[PegNosePete]

Maybe I am just too conservative for him.

Shouldn't he be the one to make that decision?

[ladyvino]

Shouldn't he be the one to make that decision?

 

Well if I wasn't, I wouldn't have such an issue with this and would be more understanding, or open minded.

[PegNosePete]

Well if I wasn't, I wouldn't have such an issue with this and would be more understanding, or open minded.

So it's not that you're too conservative for him.

It's that he's too un-conservative for you.

Big difference...

 

Well, you've got your answers now OP. Some people think it's a big deal and a deal-breaker, others think your 2 years history together proves he's not the cheating type.

 

It's up to you to decide what to do now...

[introverted1]

LV, I really think you should discuss this with your bf. He has not lied or deceived you and whatever wonderful qualities he has that led you to spend 2 years with him and then make the decision to live with him are all still there. Perhaps if you talk you can gain a better understanding of the person he was when he was notching 100 marks into his belt, as well as whether he still considers himself to be that same person.

 

Best of luck.

[ladyvino]

So it's not that you're too conservative for him.

It's that he's too un-conservative for you.

Big difference...

 

Well, you've got your answers now OP. Some people think it's a big deal and a deal-breaker, others think your 2 years history together proves he's not the cheating type.

 

It's up to you to decide what to do now...

 

Of course he is too un-conservative for me, that was primary concern.

 

But yes, I have received my answers. I think I know what I want to do.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Toodaloo]

Well if I wasn't, I wouldn't have such an issue with this and would be more understanding, or open minded.

 

Ladyvino.

 

Its not a case of you being conservative or not.

 

It IS a case of are you happy? Does he treat you well? Has he cheated on you?

 

If you are that disgusted by this then please end it. (Give him my number when you do as he sounds like a gem).

 

However the past is just that. I have done things in my past I am not proud of but that is the past and my future is MY choice.

 

Your future is your choice. You either live with this and get your head round it or you don't and you get rid.

 

We have all given you far more important things to think about other than numbers. But if you feel that his tally is too high and you can not live with that then that is your personal choice.

[Snotty]

I have not read through all theses posts..... So i am not sure if i will be repeating something.... But i doubt it.

 

I..... Lived your boyfriends life. I was with probably that many. After my second marriage i told myself i was not going to get involved with someone again. I went on a [sex] spree. Yep, i had fun. This went on for a few years.

 

Then... I met her. I fell head over heals in love with her. I could not do enough for her. I was constantly surprising her with little things and to see her smile with every surprise was priceless to me. And yes... Our sex life was unbelievable. As i always told her, we did not have sex, we had a deep connection....

 

My biggest fear, was to be somewhere and cross paths with someone from my past..... Turns out, my biggest fear was her. She found out, and it was the beginning of the end. Nothing i could do to convince her of my love. She stopped trusting me. Yes i am a good looking guy. All her friends told her that. Yes, i get eye ****ed by women. She never seemed to notice until she found out about my past. Then it was 'who is that', constantly.

 

I began to get accused of cheating on her.

 

So.... To make a long sad story short, she finally ended it.

 

Now... I go home alone. I am the single stud in the office, and i go home... Alone. I don't want anyone else, but know she is gone, and i have accepted that.

 

So..... The choice is yours. You are either going to make this into something special, or your going to ruin it.

 

He is with YOU. He loves YOU. He wants in YOUR heart, and he wants in YOUR pants.

 

Make a choice. If you decide you want to make this work, then tell him you dont care about his past, then screw him senseless. I am pretty sure that might be something he NEEDS from YOU.

 

Unless you want him to be the guy who goes home... Alone.

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

I have only been with 10 people.

 

With all respect, if sex was sacred as you claim it is for you, you would not have had sex with 10 different men.

 

Many men out there would consider a young woman with 10 different sex partner being promiscuous.

 

You should slow down on the judgment you're casting on this man who's been I believe nothing but a good boyfriend to you.

[stillafool]

There's no way I would get involved with a man who had sex with 100 women. Trust me, a man wouldn't want me if I had sex with 100 men. I think that's just nasty and wouldn't under any circumstances want to have sex with him much less want him as my man.

[Gaeta]

Of course he is too un-conservative for me, that was primary concern.

 

But yes, I have received my answers. I think I know what I want to do.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I think you will learn a life lesson the hard way.

 

You will let go of a perfect boyfriend based on his number of partners before you. Something that has no incidence on your relationship together.

 

Then you will go out there and look for a man with 10 or less partners. You'll meet many but won't necessarily connect with them. They won't be as fun, as loving, as honest, as considerate as your current boyfriend but that's alright at least they had less than 10 partners before you.

 

Then you'll find yourself in another man's arms thinking of this boyfriend you loved but let go for 'principal'.

 

Your new number will be 11, 12, 13.

[Tribble]

Numbers is always a toxic topic. It's such a shame you found out by accident. A lot of people can't handle the answers. But think of it this way.

 

 

You're upset because 99 other women got to see him the way you do (naked and having sex) so you don't feel it's special anymore.

 

 

BUT, you put great value on sex (nothing wrong with that). Which means 9 other guys got to share making love with you. What if you're the only one your bf has shared this with? What if the other 99 were just physical acts? Should he see you in a different way? Get jealous? Reconsider the relationship?

 

 

At the end of the day, it's your choice if it's a deal breaker. And if you decide to end it over this, maybe it wasn't all that great to begin with.