Live-in boyfriend has slept with nearly 100 women..ouch

[ladyvino]

With all respect, if sex was sacred as you claim it is for you, you would not have had sex with 10 different men.

 

Many men out there would consider a young woman with 10 different sex partner being promiscuous.

 

You should slow down on the judgment you're casting on this man who's been I believe nothing but a good boyfriend to you.

 

I never said it was "sacred", I attach no religious or holy importance to it. But I do reserve it for people I at least like very much. In my case, 3 of that 10 were long term relationships, one lasting 2 years and another lasting nearly 5. Oddly enough, both of these men had very colourful pasts and both left me because each of them decided they weren't ready for further commitment. Both instances shattered me, needless to say.

 

As a result, I have somewhat pined for someone who may view it the same way I do. I have only recently discovered that yet again, that isn't the case.

[anna121]

Because I'm a smart person. I know never to ask in case you don't like the answer and it could ruin things. So I didn't ask. I found this out by mistake, remember.

 

With respect, this doesn't really make sense. If past promiscuity has a bearing, in your view, on a person's fundamental values, why on earth wouldn't you want to know that before getting into a relationship?

 

On another note, "100" is a sort of talisman easy for the bigmouth to throw out. Your BF hasn't actually confirmed that number. It could be 25 people fewer because, really, he knows that 75 people won't sound much better.

 

So...if his number was double yours, would that be ok? Triple? Quadruple? Like, he slept with 40 people, who saw him "in that way". Could you live with it?

[anna121]

Oops, just saw your post saying you have decided what to do (presumably, break up with him).

 

Guess my post above is moot.

[soleilesquire]

The first question that comes to mind is what scenarios where they? Was he a player? Cheating on girlfriends? Forcing himself on the weak low self esteem women? Did he mislead other women to get them in bed? Did he spend money on escorts? Something is up with this guy to have been with 100 women. That's huge red flag in my book. Any guy or any women who has slept with 100 people is not worthily in my opinion and should be hooked up with someone who has the same past.

 

As is a favorite quote online, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

When women have a high count droves tell the guy to run.

 

I would assume the same holds true here.

[elaine567]

Ladyvino.

 

Its not a case of you being conservative or not.

 

 

BUT it is.

The OP was not looking for a relationship with a guy who had slept with 100 women, she was looking for a guy who had a similar number to her, in the same way I guess Snotty's woman was. The only assumption they both made was to think their man had slept with a similar number of women.

To most looking for long term relationships, they do not want to get involved with high number people - it may not be completely fair but it is the way it is.

No-one who has a low number, really wants to start thinking of the serried ranks of people their other half has slept with, so they often choose to avoid - life is short, too much potential angst, worry and hassle there.

[soleilesquire]

I have not read through all theses posts..... So i am not sure if i will be repeating something.... But i doubt it.

 

I..... Lived your boyfriends life. I was with probably that many. After my second marriage i told myself i was not going to get involved with someone again. I went on a 'man-whore' spree. Yep, i had fun. This went on for a few years.

 

Then... I met her. I fell head over heals in love with her. I could not do enough for her. I was constantly surprising her with little things and to see her smile with every surprise was priceless to me. And yes... Our sex life was unbelievable. As i always told her, we did not have sex, we had a deep connection....

 

My biggest fear, was to be somewhere and cross paths with someone from my past..... Turns out, my biggest fear was her. She found out, and it was the beginning of the end. Nothing i could do to convince her of my love. She stopped trusting me. Yes i am a good looking guy. All her friends told her that. Yes, i get eye ****ed by women. She never seemed to notice until she found out about my past. Then it was 'who is that', constantly.

 

I began to get accused of cheating on her.

 

So.... To make a long sad story short, she finally ended it.

 

Now... I go home alone. I am the single stud in the office, and i go home... Alone. I don't want anyone else, but know she is gone, and i have accepted that.

 

So..... The choice is yours. You are either going to make this into something special, or your going to ruin it.

 

He is with YOU. He loves YOU. He wants in YOUR heart, and he wants in YOUR pants.

 

Make a choice. If you decide you want to make this work, then tell him you dont care about his past, then screw him senseless. I am pretty sure that might be something he NEEDS from YOU.

 

Unless you want him to be the guy who goes home... Alone.

 

With all due respect, I think this is a little hard on the OP. SHE'S ruining it?

 

When someone choose to sleep around vastly, they run the risk that some people won;t want to be with them.

[truth_seeker]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, so I apologise if this has come up before. But I could really use your advice.

 

I'm in a two-year relationship with a very good guy and we only very recently moved in together two months ago. I have never asked him how many people he's slept with, although I knew it was higher than my own number.

 

At the weekend, during a conversation and sex and relationships within a group, a bigmouth made a joke about my boyfriend having been with "nearly 100" women. I was in total shock and my boyfriend looked uneasy.

Later, I asked him if that was accurate and he said "well... almost", but didn't want to discuss it further, so I left it.

 

Now, I just can't help being seriously put off by this. But I am not a bull-in-a-china-shop, nor that much of a risktaker. I'm the sort of person who plans things, writes things down, so I thought about it and wrote down what I thought were my main issues with this:

 

1) He doesn't care who he sleeps with. I am a much more guarded person and my number is pitiful compared to his. I detect a conflict in values. "Nearly 100" is very promiscuous to me suggests that he is willing to share the most intimate part of him with pretty much anybody.

 

2) He might become bored. I can't imagine a person who has been with that many people will want to remain with one person for the long-haul. I worry he will get irritated and want to sleep around again.

 

3) I am jealous because I assume he had a much more fun, confident and lively youth than I did. And that maybe I should have taken all those opportunities that were offered to me. Maybe then I would understand more.

 

Does anyone have something that may calm me down?

 

I had a friend tell me once he's slept with hundreds of women... I didn't believe him... more like 10-20 ...

 

If this guy actually slept with a 100 women, then that means he keeps track of all his conquests. Sick puppy.

[William]

Though it appears the thread starter has formed a conclusion based on considered opinion, I wanted to remind members, considering the subject material, to avoid words like 'whore' and 'slut' and 'man-whore' and other pejorative language when describing aspects of sexual promiscuity. This preserves the content of the forum and your posting privileges. Thanks!

[Toodaloo]

Luke 3:37

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven

 

People make mistakes.

 

You either accept the person as they are for who they are warts and all or you do not.

 

Personally I think it is a mistake to throw away a perfectly good relationship in which you are treated well, you match with the other person in all way bar the fact you can not forgive and live for the future.

 

But then each to your own.

 

Gives me hope as another good man will get thrown back in the dating pool so increases my chance of finding one... I just find it terribly sad that people are treated like this. But ho hum. You see it every day...

[SSJROMANCE]

If you are SO hung up on the number of sex partners why didn't you clear this with him when you met?

 

When I met my ex-husband I was a virgin, he had been with many women before me. We were married 15 years and he never NEVER cheated on me or gave attention to other women than ME. He knew I was special because he had sampled many women before so when he got to me he said to himself THAT ONE I want for the rest of my life.

 

Your boyfriend picked YOU over anyone else. That is more meaningful than any man being with you because he wants to keep his number low.

 

 

How do you know he never cheated on you? I hope he hasn't BUT how do you know? How do you know he never gave attention to other women? Look at all those women who have been floored to find out their husband was cheating. So you really don't know. You hope.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think you can quantify sexual values with a number.

 

 

To me their are at most 3 levels of values regarding sex.

 

 

1) Will only have sex with a spouse.

 

 

2) Will only have sex with someone you love.

 

 

3) Other.

 

 

If you fit into #3 it doesn't matter whether your # of partners is 2 or 200. You either think sex can just be sex or you don't. Thinking less of someone for doing more of something you've done yourself is silly. []

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member moderated for prohibited language after directive

[Gaeta]

I never said it was "sacred", I attach no religious or holy importance to it. But I do reserve it for people I at least like very much. In my case, 3 of that 10 were long term relationships, one lasting 2 years and another lasting nearly 5. Oddly enough, both of these men had very colourful pasts and both left me because each of them decided they weren't ready for further commitment. Both instances shattered me, needless to say.

 

As a result, I have somewhat pined for someone who may view it the same way I do. I have only recently discovered that yet again, that isn't the case.

 

I did not use the word 'sacred' as in religious but as in something 'so very special' you only share in a loving committed relationship.

 

Obviously someone's number is a deal breaker to you so I suggest you start asking that question in the open instead of not asking and crossing your fingers he has a low number. Then breaking a perfect relationship based on 'principals'.

 

I read everything you said in this thread about previous men, boyfriend, etc but you have not answered my question yet on 'what exactly is your boyfriend doing wrong'? Is he doing any of the things you and some others claim men with high numbers do? Does he cheat? does he flirt around? does he objectify your body? Do you feel disconnected during sex?

[soleilesquire]

This to me is like porn use, or religion, or anything else in a relationship. People have preferences or personal convictions about things. If a person is fine with dating a high count partner, wonderful. But to shame someone who prefers a low count partner is just...well, it's frankly not anyone else's place or business. Just because I am okay with X doesn't mean that anyone who is not okay with X is wrong.

[WaitingForBardot]

How do you know he never cheated on you? I hope he hasn't BUT how do you know? How do you know he never gave attention to other women? Look at all those women who have been floored to find out their husband was cheating. So you really don't know. You hope.

My wife's number is one.

 

How do I know she never cheated on me? I hope she hasn't BUT how do I know? How do I know she never gave attention to other men/women? Look at all those men/women who have been floored to find out their wife/husband was cheating. So I really don't know. I hope.

[SSJROMANCE]

If you are SO hung up on the number of sex partners why didn't you clear this with him when you met?

 

When I met my ex-husband I was a virgin, he had been with many women before me. We were married 15 years and he never NEVER cheated on me or gave attention to other women than ME. He knew I was special because he had sampled many women before so when he got to me he said to himself THAT ONE I want for the rest of my life.

 

Your boyfriend picked YOU over anyone else. That is more meaningful than any man being with you because he wants to keep his number low.

 

 

After issue's with my wife's lies about her past we had an agreement for her to tell men the truth going forward - a very stern agreement. If she withheld information from me that was also considered lying to me. Years went by. One day I snooped into her FB private chats only to find out she had been having some kind of an emotional affair with some guy she knew in high school. After more lies she finally told me the truth. I was floored. Even AFTER AN AGREEMENT that was made BECAUSE OF HER LYING BEHAVIOR she still did things behind my back.

 

Girlfriend of 8 years was cheating on me behind my back. Found out years after she broke up with me. Never knew she was capable of that. Floored once again.

 

So no - you don't know. You hope.

[Gaeta]

After issue's with my wife's lies about her past we had an agreement for her to tell men the truth going forward - a very stern agreement. If she withheld information from me that was also considered lying to me. Years went by. One day I snooped into her FB private chats only to find out she had been having some kind of an emotional affair with some guy she knew in high school. After more lies she finally told me the truth. I was floored. Even AFTER AN AGREEMENT that was made BECAUSE OF HER LYING BEHAVIOR she still did things behind my back.

 

Girlfriend of 8 years was cheating on me behind my back. Found out years after she broke up with me. Never knew she was capable of that. Floored once again.

 

So no - you don't know. You hope.

 

With all due respect, that's what you get for making 'agreements' with liars.

[ladyvino]

I did not use the word 'sacred' as in religious but as in something 'so very special' you only share in a loving committed relationship.

 

Obviously someone's number is a deal breaker to you so I suggest you start asking that question in the open instead of not asking and crossing your fingers he has a low number. Then breaking a perfect relationship based on 'principals'.

 

I read everything you said in this thread about previous men, boyfriend, etc but you have not answered my question yet on 'what exactly is your boyfriend doing wrong'? Is he doing any of the things you and some others claim men with high numbers do? Does he cheat? does he flirt around? does he objectify your body? Do you feel disconnected during sex?

 

If he has cheated, I have yet to know about it. But I don't think he is.

But my two previous long term partners weren't cheating on me, or objectifying me either.

They just wanted to end the relationship because they missed playing the field. Now I have to face that in some sort of bizarre pattern, I have found myself with someone who has the exact same background I wasn't aware of, leading me to believe the same thing will happen again and I will be left alone again, because I didn't choose someone who was similar to me.

[PegNosePete]

I will be left alone again, because I didn't choose someone who was similar to me.

Whereas if you dump him first, you'll be left alone again.......

 

Pre-emptively dumping someone because you think that maybe sometime in the future they might dump you, because your previous 2 exes dumped you... seems a bit senseless to me.

 

You're throwing away a great relationship based on your own fears.

[elaine567]

Now I have to face that in some sort of bizarre pattern, I have found myself with someone who has the exact same background I wasn't aware of,

 

What did he actually say about his past?

[Wewon]

These numbers discussions never go anywhere good. At least one of the people involved starts to question what the numbers (or lack of numbers) means and how the person will behave in the relationship in the future. Lesson, don't ask and keep this information to yourself.

 

That being said, I can't blame the OP for her reaction. I'm not even sure that this is about sex, so much as the extreme of the number itself. Like it or not we all have boundaries and narratives that "make sense" and when someone steps outside of that we have to try to piece together a reason for it. If someone said that got a speeding ticket when they were 22 and finishing their undergrad, it wouldn't even register in your mind. If someone mentioned that their 100th speeding ticket at 22 just before they got their 2nd PhD, then you're going to wonder what's going on with that person that they went that far.

 

When it comes to sex, we're pretty much the same way. There's a "WTF!" line that a person crosses that gets our attention. That's the point were our brain starts to involuntarily do the math or otherwise make sense of the situation. The real difference is some people don't think that they have a "WTF!" line were others are clear that they do.

[ladyvino]

What did he actually say about his past?

 

Not too much, but he did on occasion hint that he had more than enough experience. Funny thing is, I actually thought, ah, must be somewhere in the range of 30-50 ladies, not really that unheard of for a good looking guy.

I was not expecting nearly 100.

[Gaeta]

If he has cheated, I have yet to know about it. But I don't think he is.

But my two previous long term partners weren't cheating on me, or objectifying me either.

They just wanted to end the relationship because they missed playing the field. Now I have to face that in some sort of bizarre pattern, I have found myself with someone who has the exact same background I wasn't aware of, leading me to believe the same thing will happen again and I will be left alone again, because I didn't choose someone who was similar to me.

 

You know, people with little numbers of sexual partners do cheat. People with little numbers of partners get curious about sex with others and move on to explore other avenues.

 

If you want to use a generalization to end a 2 year relationship, ok, but I must ask, are you in love at all with this man? that you can just up and leave on a 'technicality' like his numbers?

[truth_seeker]

After issue's with my wife's lies about her past we had an agreement for her to tell men the truth going forward - a very stern agreement. If she withheld information from me that was also considered lying to me. Years went by. One day I snooped into her FB private chats only to find out she had been having some kind of an emotional affair with some guy she knew in high school. After more lies she finally told me the truth. I was floored. Even AFTER AN AGREEMENT that was made BECAUSE OF HER LYING BEHAVIOR she still did things behind my back.

 

Girlfriend of 8 years was cheating on me behind my back. Found out years after she broke up with me. Never knew she was capable of that. Floored once again.

 

So no - you don't know. You hope.

 

Once a liar, ALWAYS a liar...

 

Girlfriend of 8 years? This goes back to my point about people who date for years and years without that commitment to marry, they're usually cheating... they have the mentality: "if we're not married, then it's okay."

 

monogamy is on life support...

[truth_seeker]

You know, people with little numbers of sexual partners do cheat. People with little numbers of partners get curious about sex with others and move on to explore other avenues.

 

If you want to use a generalization to end a 2 year relationship, ok, but I must ask, are you in love at all with this man? that you can just up and leave on a 'technicality' like his numbers?

 

I think this is what happened to Tiger Woods. He was sheltered most of his life and then went crazy sexually.

[ladyvino]

You know, people with little numbers of sexual partners do cheat. People with little numbers of partners get curious about sex with others and move on to explore other avenues.

 

If you want to use a generalization to end a 2 year relationship, ok, but I must ask, are you in love at all with this man? that you can just up and leave on a 'technicality' like his numbers?

 

Yes, I do love him. But the new information that has come to light has made him appear incredibly seedy to me, so I'm very upset. It's a notion I didn't have before, being blessedly ignorant. Numbers in triple digits to me suggest something just isn't right there and something to be on guard about. It's not a technicality, it's a major difference in our value system.