Am I really the "other" woman or is he really leaving her? !?

[softball88]

I've been talking to a guy I've known for 8 years. We've talked off and on over the years and hes shown interest in me each time we talked. 4 years ago, he wanted me to be with him and told him I couldn't move an hour away due to my sons dad having to "approve" me moving over 100 miles away from him so that was that. Well we eventually quit talking and he found someone and had 2 kids with her.

 

Just the end of last year, he tells me they having problems. He suspects she's cheating because hes found condoms and lube under the couch and in the van and she hasn't been intimate with him since before Christmas.

 

Last month he wanted a roommate because he plans on leaving her soon and he needed someone to watch the kids while he works and hed pay them while he was living with them.

 

Then at some point he asked if I knew anyone whod be his roommate and said no, then he asks me to be.."and no funny business" he said. But we got to talking more and he ends up liking me again. He complains about his girlfriend. And how she treats the kids poorly. He said he hasn't left her yet cause he's waiting for papers to be mailed to her about establishing paternity so they can get a DNA test done so he can have his rights to the kids.

 

He apparently requested this 3-4 weeks ago but she still has yet to get papers about it. Not sure if it takes that long. He also said if he leaves, he wont see the kids til they have court and thats the reason he hasn't left her yet.

 

But I did some nosing around on facebook and it seems like everything is fine between them. She doesn't post much on facebook but when she does, hes involved with her posts. But he tells me its hell over there and that he just wants to die. But then last night they were watching movies together. He wants to see me next Friday but I just dont know what's going on.

 

What are some signs that he's just trying to cheat?

Or signs that he's really going to leave her?

Someone please help!?

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

 

And please dont judge. I just want opinions and dont plan to continue with this til I get to the bottom of what's really going on.

 

Thanks in advance!

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[elaine567]

But he tells me its hell over there and that he just wants to die. But then last night they were watching movies together.

 

 

Oldest story in the book "My wife doesn't understand me..."

[Lady2163]

My first question to you would be: why invite crazy into your life?

 

Because that's what this drama filled situation is. I'm guessing that you are young and might possibly thrive on drama.

 

If you wanted to move 100 miles away, getting a lawyer and going back to court could make that happen. Otherwise, you split the difference and move to the halfway point. I'm slightly confused as to the whole 100 miles things....where do you live that you can travel 100 miles in ann hour?

 

You're probably not the OW yet, but I think you're being groomed to be one.

 

As to whether or not he will leave her, geez everyone will tell you the chances are very slim. In my teens and early 20s I had several relationships with MM. That's been a long time ago, but I can recall only one talking about leaving his wife to be with me. In the end he didn't. But of those cheating MM 50% did eventually divorce and remarry and two of them were divorced and remarried within six months, which could be an indication they married an AP. Another one (I did have contact with him) had a long divorce - over a year - and he divorced and remarried in less than a month. Technically, he was cheating, but they were separated and dating other people. I didn't keep in touch with most of them, I did some cyber stalking years ago and was able to find out divorce and remarry status through public records and hometown newspaper archives.

 

Of the men who did eventually divorce, it was the wives who filed and divorced them. To the best of my knowledge there wasn't a Dday or a time long after the fact when the husbands confessed. So, these men were eventually rejected by their wives and that's interesting to me. I have no doubt the divorce affected their ego (in hindsight most of them were borderline sociopaths and egomaniacs) and they were looking for a soft landing.

 

If the guy is that great, why not wait until he is unattached? You deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy. By entering into any kind of relationship now, you're essentially giving him permission to treat you like a second class citizen for the rest of your life. And that is no way to live.

[RRM321]

There's a pattern here - which is his buffet style approach to life. He's moving quickly from one thing to the next picking up and dropping people and relationships as easily as you and I would sample h'ordeuvres at a cocktail party.

 

I'm certain he's serious about taking a bite, and equally certain you'll be the next discarded crab cake within 24 months.

[jenkins95]

Hi softball88!

 

No judgement at all from me, but I would just like to advise you not to get at all involved with him in any way other than a friend unless he physically leaves her and gives you evidence that it is over and plans are in place to divorce. Don't cross the line in any way if he is still with her, and also try to resist asking him questions as to whether he will leave her or put any pressure on - any of that will make you look like the OW who is trying to help engineer the end of his marriage.

 

If he is single one day and it still suits you, then you can explore it together with nothing to stop you. But please leave it alone while one or both of you is still in a relationship - it could very likely lead to an affair and heartbreak for several people.

 

Distance yourself a little from him while he's going through these doubts if you can. You are his friend and I don't suggest you abandon him. But he must have male friends too, right? Maybe it would be more appropriate if he leant on then a bit more at the moment, or you could meet him with a group of friends rather than just by yourself. Try not to be seen by anyone, even him, of being some kind of 'special' friend. It would be awful to be labeled as a homewrecker in the future.

Edited February 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[SSJROMANCE]

Don't fall for the old "I'm going to leave her" "it's hell over there" "I hate her" "just a matter of time" because more times than not you are going to get burned.

 

My advice would be to tell him once the divorce is final and I'm still single get in touch. Goodbye.

[RRM321]

By entering into any kind of relationship now, you're essentially giving him permission to treat you like a second class citizen for the rest of your life. And that is no way to live.

 

This should be on a bronze plaque somewhere.

 

Relationships are first and foremost negotiations and dating a MM is a personally devastating concession to make at any time, let alone the opening session.

[Gigi2015]

This should be on a bronze plaque somewhere.

 

Relationships are first and foremost negotiations and dating a MM is a personally devastating concession to make at any time, let alone the opening session.

 

 

Your statement should be a GOLD plated plaque....why start a relationship with such little expectations....

[Maddieandtae]

Your whole post about the attached guy has big red flags waving that he is looking to cheat and unfortunately you sound drawn into the web of deceit he has created. I don't think you should maintain an friendship with this guy and I think you really need to fade out on him completely. He's not going to get hurt like you and try and reverse the situation. Do you think he is posting about whether you will take the bait on his cheating attempts? Not likely, although his girlfriend could possibly be posting about suspicions of a cheating partner soon:(

Remove yourself from the toxic, it will only do you good:)

[softball88]

I agree with all of you completely. Hes not married though. I have told him I want this to stop til hes left her for good and the custody arrangements been placed for the kids. Of course he insisted that we still continue but I've decided I'm going to stop. Haven't replied to his calls or texts at all today and he has been blowing up my phone like crazy like be did last time when I told him I want to stop. But I'm just ignoring him now in hopes he will give up, at least until they are split. I'm not a home wrecker and would hate being in his girlfriends shoes right now.

[eye of the storm]

Softball88, an additional recommendation. Don't let him move from her to you. The last time you told him things were not optimal for you two he instantly found someone else and popped out 2 kids. No marriage. He picked her and had children with her but refused to commit to her.

 

If he actually does leave her (and without you being a locked in soft landing I doubt he will), he needs to spend some time being single. Learning how to be a single dad and a whole person. Then and only then will he be a good solid potential partner.

 

If he keeps blowing up your phone, blocking is effective and removes the stress.

 

Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with all of you completely. Hes not married though. I have told him I want this to stop til hes left her for good and the custody arrangements been placed for the kids. Of course he insisted that we still continue but I've decided I'm going to stop. Haven't replied to his calls or texts at all today and he has been blowing up my phone like crazy like be did last time when I told him I want to stop. But I'm just ignoring him now in hopes he will give up, at least until they are split. I'm not a home wrecker and would hate being in his girlfriends shoes right now.

 

Doesn't matter if he's not married, he's in a committed relationship with her and they have children together so that makes them a family unit.

 

Continue to ignore him and grieve because there's a pretty good chance he's not leaving his kids and life behind to start a new life with you. Be strong and block him from you cell and on social media.

[daisygirl19]

He could be lying, he could be telling the truth. Only he knows. Either way, he's lying to one of you and you need to decide if you're willing to take the risk that person is you.

 

My relationship started as an A. He's one of the few that left and we are now together, so I won't tell you it can't happen. However, it's a long and difficult road. Be sure you're wiling to go down it before you get too entrenched.

[lemondrop21]

I get sad reading posts like this because I did something similar 9 months ago - as in, posting here saying "we haven't gotten physical yet, he says their relationship is terrible, I don't know what to do" blah blah and everyone told me to walk away but I didn't. The feelings were so strong and I felt it was nearly impossible to turn away. It's almost impossible to describe that feeling to anyone who hasn't experienced it before. It sounds so simple doesn't it? "Just walk away until he's left her."

 

So, here is what I have to offer. If you are not completely swept away from him and can somehow find it in you to hold back and control yourself, then please; please do it until he is single. Their relationship sounds like it will implode anyway given how drama-filled it is, so you may very well get your chance.

 

Hell, even if you can get one month of distance from this guy (no contact) to give you both time to get some perspective, DO IT.

 

If you can't control yourself because your emotions are too strong already then we can't help you. It's like telling someone who's already a drug addict that they should just stop.

 

Good luck.

[goodyblue]

My m started out as an affair also. I will tell you, I love my h and we are very happy. What we went through to be together was tame compared to what some others went through and even then it was a rough road.

 

If you have any control at all, step back. Nah t only will you be dealing with kids and a pissed off ex, you will be dealing with it all FRESH. No time for the gfs to get her bearings, mourn the relationship and move on, no time for the kids to properly adjust. That is rough.

 

And why make it more difficult for all of them to unravel this mess? Let him leave, get things settled and then date. SLOWLY.

 

Even with things going well we still had to be proactive. We dated slowly, didn't move in together for some time. We did therapy to figure out how we ended up where we did and how to forgive ourselves,the whole nine. Not easy.

Edited February 24, 2016 by goodyblue