blackberry8 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 I've been married since June. I met my current husband in the summer of 2012, almost immediately after I ended a relationship with my ex. My ex and I dated for a year and a half before he told me he wanted to go on a break. We had been dating long distance, about 3 hours apart. It had been getting hard on me, I couldn't travel to see him much due to work. I had high anxiety about it and I had wanted to relocate to his city. I cried and was miserable every time we left one another. He told me that the break was a way for us to get some space and for me to realize that he wasn't going anywhere. We were on a break for about 3 months when I ended it cold turkey. I had been seeing other people on this break, including my now husband. I was angry at my ex for a long time, a couple years. However, about a year ago we got in contact with another. I apologized for the anger I carried and we had a good text conversation. He emailed me a couple days later about how much he regretted his decision to go on a break with me and how much he wished he could take it back. He told me that he never wanted to lose me. However, at that time I was already engaged to my now husband. I went on to get married in 2015. In November, my now husband and I relocated to a new city. It's been a tough adjustment. I was out a few weekends ago, had a few drinks, and started texting my ex. It has been almost 4 years since we first went on that break, but it is clear we still have unresolved feelings. How do I know if these unresolved feelings are true or if I am romanticizing what we had? Or how do I move on? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 If you want to save your marriage, you delete your ex's number and never contact him in any way ever again. If you want to "resolve" your feelings for your ex then you tell your husband what is going on, and let him decide if he will give you permission to go off on a voyage into fantasy land with another bloke. Texting your ex behind your husband's back is the worst solution to your problem. What do you think would happen if your husband read these texts? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Ummm I suggest you save your marriage rather than contacting the EX. This is why you need to take time off from a relationships. You Husband was probably a rebound and now he is your HUSBAND. Im pretty sure he would be devastated if you told him that you have unresolved feelings for an EX. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Is this really a question? YOU ARE MARRIED...respect your marriage. What you are doing is the beginning of an emotional affair with someone that popped back in your life 4 years later...if you screw up, you'll get two exes for the price of one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 What the hell are you thinking? You're married, STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Um, why did you get married? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilyrocks9956 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) How do you think your husband would feel if he were to look at your phone and find out you're talking to an ex from four years ago? I know that you aren't dating or anything but you've already started to break your commitment to your marriage by flirting and chatting up with this guy on a more then friends level. Attraction happens, it's natural, but when two people are in a HCR or HM they ignore any attraction towards other men/women because they're taken and want to remain faithful to their partner. If you still love your ex, then you need to figure this out right away before your husband finds out and threatens to file for divorce because he can't trust you. Sit down and think. Who is more important to you? Who do you like more? Who would you rather be with? Your current husband or your ex? If husband, delete the ex's number and explain that you're sorry but you're now happily married and need to go NC. If ex, you need to sit your husband down and tell him the truth, then contact an attorney and file for divorce. Yes it'll hurt your husband but I'm sure he'd rather not be lied to by results of cheating. I agree with one poster above, it sounds like your husband was filling in a void or a "rebound". You seriously need to figure out what your feelings are and decide what you want before you hurt anybody. There is no win-win situation here, OP. You have to choose your husband or your ex. In my opinion I think you should've waited until you were completely over your ex beforehand so that you wouldn't be in this difficult mess. Edited February 26, 2016 by lilyrocks9956 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Sorry Folks, but it's really hard to put toothpaste back in the tube... OP, Your marriage is done. I say this not to be mean, but the fact you are texting your ex and you have unresolved feelings is a nuclear bomb waiting to go off in regards to your marriage. Cutting all contact from your ex will be trying to put a band-aid on an amputation at this point. You're not done with him... Continuing to talk/text your ex is going to set that nuclear bomb off. It's really time for you to ask the real question of yourself: Can you continue to lie to yourself for the rest of your life? Again, I am not judging you at all. Sometimes we make decisions thinking at the time it was right, but having hindsight kick us in the butt later... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 You start thinking with your brain & not your heart. Whatever you are feeling for your EX is romantic drivel. You married your husband because he's a good man. With the other guy things did work out for very valid reasons. Don't throw away what you have on a dream It's good that you let go of the anger but don't try to build this other thing into something it wasn't. The other day I had an unexpected conversation with an EX. I called a colleague but my EX happened to be in her office. We chatted for a while (about 45 minutes). The EX said a lot of stuff to me about how he misses me, he wishes we'd had kids, how he now has a dog & travels etc. All of that was stuff we fought over constantly. We actually broke up because he didn't want to have kids with me. I still loved him when I ended things but after 10 years I had to face facts. He was never going to be the partner I wanted. So for him to say these things to me, that he is now the guy I wanted, really threw me for a loop. Then I started thinking about how heartbroken my husband would be if he even knew I was thinking these things about the EX. My husband is an awesome guy & I love him. I could never affirmatively hurt him by dissolving our marriage for a guy who already proved himself to not be the man I needed him to be. A soon as I looked at the situation from DH's perspective, any conflicted feelings I thought I had disappeared. Try thinking about your choices from your husband's perspective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 You shouldn't have got married. You're not ready for marriage, even now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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