Sad

[lychee]

My best friend ( guy ) and I have always been very close ever since we were teens. We always had a crush on each other, time did nothing to change that. We never did go out. We never had sex, never even kissed. Once we started dating ( late teens ) things changed, we'd get jealous/posessive of each other..we'd take breaks from our friendship.

 

Today we are late 20's.

I am single ( for now a few months ) and he is dating the same girl for now almost 5 years. He's currently been thinking of proposing, so it's very serious.

 

we are still friends, we don't communicate as much but when we do it's like it's always been : flirty but nothing more.

 

We had our 10 year HS reunion last weekend. We hadn't seen each other in person for about 2 years. We always kept in touch briefly through facebook & twitter.

 

When we met up for the reunion ( his gf didn't come along ) it was very emotional & flirty. We ended going to the reunion much later than planned. We decided to go get coffee instead and sit & talk. We had so much fun. We laughed and talk memories. Right then and there he said he had something he needed to come off his chest. He basically told me he always loved me, that I was the one that got away. That he always wished we had had a chance but because we were always dating other people he thought it would be best to keep quiet instead of maybe ruining a special friendship.

 

I was speechless but I managed to say the same. I managed to say I also was very much in love with him for as long as I could remember.

 

It felt great to share this but also extremely sad.

 

We don't live in the same city anymore, we don't even have the same friends. We both moved on with our lives but we still very much have that special link.

 

Here's the dirty part.

 

We started texting/calling & facetiming since.

Always when she's not around ( oh yes, they live together ) nothing "raunchy" has happened. We do flirt a lot more. We have been talking every day since our reunion, on valentines day he managed to come and see me ( I dont know how he explained it to her, I didnt ask ) and flat out told me he felt jealous ( I had a vday date but had to cancel because I had a cold, he came and kept me company for an hour almost ) He says he cant stop thinking about me, sometimes after our conversations he cant even fall asleep because I won't leave his mind. He's told me a lot of beautiful things that seriously crush me everytime I think I'll never have the chance to be with him.

 

And then, theres his gf ... he never talks about her. He mentioned once at the reunion but thats it. Said she never would approve of our friendship ( with reason ).

 

We havent had sex and we havent kiss. That day he came to see me, we both wanted to kiss each other so bad but he left before things started getting out of hand. ( we cuddled, we hugged)

 

I'm so mad at myself and at him for never attempting anything before.

 

I do believe it's emotional cheating and I do consider that cheating. I just know nothing else will ever happen between us. I don't want him to lose what he has but also wish we had a chance.

 

Thoughts?

[jenkins95]

Hi lychee

 

Thanks for telling us your story and what a story - it's the kind of thing that movies are made of!

 

It's a really tough one and I really feel for you. I applaud you for not letting this get out of hand and that you have not kissed...... or more. But I think you have to be really, really careful about what you do and say and how you act because if you guys get this wrong, hearts could be broken.

 

I think the best thing to do next time he contacts you is to say that everything you have said and shared since the reunion has been great and exciting but that it feels wrong because of him being in a relationship. If that relationship doesn't survive, you don't want to be the obvious reason why it ends because this is something that could be thrown back at you in the future. If their relationship is not right, it should be ended for its own reasons and not because of a third party. You could agree to still stay as friends on FB, etc just as you always have, but that you should stop the calls and definitely the meetings.

 

If there is true love between you and he feels it too and he finds that he wants to be with you more than with his GF, then that is his issue and he will have to deal with it his way without any contact or influence from you. If in the future he is single and he comes to find you, then it could be the most beautiful relationship...... but he is the one in the couple at the moment and he has to decide which path he wants to tread. Give him space and wish him well, and you never know what the future holds. But don't confuse him and influence him - I know know you wouldn't deliberately do that, but just being his 'friend'is clearly having a big effect on him. Don't let yourself be seen as the OW or relationship wrecker.

 

I really wish you all the best and I know this is so, so hard for you! No wonder you feel sad

 

Keep posting to us - we are here, and one day you will be past this, one easy or another! Take care

Edited February 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[Liam1]

Hi Lychee:

 

I think if this guy really feels this way about you and not his girlfriend that he needs to man up and break off with her.

 

If I were you, I would not trust this guys declarations of love. He obviously is confused and maybe does not really know what love is.

 

What he is doing is cheating on his fiance, whether he knows it or not.

 

He has a secret lady friend and that is cheating. I am sure his GF would not approve.

 

Meeting you should have taught him by now that his gf is not the one.

 

He should have moved on from her long ago. He has not.

[lemondrop21]

Yes, it is cheating.

 

He may be scared of the seriousness of their 5 year relationship, and that fear has pushed him to start up this flirtation with you.

 

I can't say how he feels about you, but here are two stories based on my own experience...

 

I was in a 5 year relationship that ended shortly before getting engaged. At year 2 or so, I knew deep down that there were things I didn't like about the relationship and I wasn't sure I wanted it long term. When an ex boyfriend got in touch with me, we started a text/skype flirtation. I eventually "took a break" from my relationship and went to visit ex-bf in person. It immediately felt wrong, I was missing my long term boyfriend, and I saw that while the ex had qualities my boyfriend didn't have, my boyfriend also had qualities the ex didn't have. Jumping from one to the other wasn't going to solve anything. I cut things off with the ex and ran back to the boyfriend.

 

Three years later, I had continued to struggle through the ups and downs of my relationship. Along came MM. I'd never felt this level of attraction to anyone before. I broke up with the boyfriend and didn't regret it this time. Even now that exMM and I are done, and I regard that whole mess as a negative experience, I still don't regret breaking up with the long term boyfriend. It wasn't the right relationship for me and I wasn't meant to marry him.

 

Moral of the story? When this sort of thing happens, it's often because the person in the long term relationship feels something could be missing and is unsure if they want to continue the relationship. A fling/flirtation/affair may give them this information, or, it may not. In the first instance, my fling with an ex showed me that I didn't actually want to get back with the ex, but it wasn't enough to motivate me to walk away from my current bf. In the second instance, MM was enough to push me to finally end the relationship... because I knew that I couldn't get married while feeling this way about someone else, NOT because I had some sort of promising future with MM.

 

In your case, this guy has now had this flirtation with you and has felt enough to make a decision (trust me, he doesn't need to kiss or have sex with you - it would be great, he knows it and you know it). Give him some space to make a decision. My guess is that he may "take a break" from his girlfriend. You can then decide if you're okay with dating him under such circumstances. Of course, you deserve someone who isn't so entangled in something else, but I realize that life is sometimes messy. If he decides to stay with her and propose, cut your losses and move on. Wish them luck and hope he becomes more certain about their marriage, for her sake.

 

Best of luck to you and keep us posted.

[lychee]

Hi lychee

 

Thanks for telling us your story and what a story - it's the kind of thing that movies are made of!

 

It's a really tough one and I really feel for you. I applaud you for not letting this get out of hand and that you have not kissed...... or more. But I think you have to be really, really careful about what you do and say and how you act because if you guys get this wrong, hearts could be broken.

 

I think the best thing to do next time he contacts you is to say that everything you have said and shared since the reunion has been great and exciting but that it feels wrong because of him being in a relationship. If that relationship doesn't survive, you don't want to be the obvious reason why it ends because this is something that could be thrown back at you in the future. If their relationship is not right, it should be ended for its own reasons and not because of a third party. You could agree to still stay as friends on FB, etc just as you always have, but that you should stop the calls and definitely the meetings.

 

If there is true love between you and he feels it too and he finds that he wants to be with you more than with his GF, then that is his issue and he will have to deal with it his way without any contact or influence from you. If in the future he is single and he comes to find you, then it could be the most beautiful relationship...... but he is the one in the couple at the moment and he has to decide which path he wants to tread. Give him space and wish him well, and you never know what the future holds. But don't confuse him and influence him - I know know you wouldn't deliberately do that, but just being his 'friend'is clearly having a big effect on him. Don't let yourself be seen as the OW or relationship wrecker.

 

I really wish you all the best and I know this is so, so hard for you! No wonder you feel sad

 

Keep posting to us - we are here, and one day you will be past this, one easy or another! Take care

 

Thank you for not judging me. It would have been so easy to do so. I agree with everything you have pointed out. If he was to break up with her I would never ever want that to happen unless he chose to do it, meaning I do not want her to find out about me by accident. I don't want him that way.

 

Part of me does feel sorry for her, I wouldn't want that for me which is what is keeping me away. Also the nature of our relationship is also what is probably keeping him from trying more with me. He knows me very well.

 

The vday showdown really left me speechless I never saw that coming, he came on his own and told me he was on his way to see me and keep me company.

 

He asks me how I'll spend my weekends and when I share my plans with him ( little detail possible ) he gets very cold & distant : jealous. It's very confusing. He's the one who initiates most of the contact and has complained about that already.

 

I am planning on talking to him and again ( as we always do ) plan on drifting away once again letting him decide what he needs to do for himself.

 

Thanks again, I will update!

Edited February 24, 2016 by lychee

[burnt]

My best friend ( guy ) and I have always been very close ever since we were teens. We always had a crush on each other, time did nothing to change that. We never did go out. We never had sex, never even kissed. Once we started dating ( late teens ) things changed, we'd get jealous/posessive of each other..we'd take breaks from our friendship.

 

I am not going to judge you for what you and this man are doing--but yes what you two are doing IS cheating.

 

But I do strongly think that for all the people you dated and he dated including this girl, it's SO unfair to those people.

 

You and this guy have had feelings for each other--for too long. Neither of you stepped up with what was brewing up all this time. Now he's been involved with someone for FIVE years and is thinking of proposing, which means she has been heavily invested in this relationship and he is cheating on her.

 

The OW/OM and infidelity sections are drowned with stories of men who get married, happily build a life, then things get dormant and they slip into an affair. The affair is only a mistake and slip up. But they really do love their spouses.

 

In your case, this guy has real feelings which he harbored for you all these years; if he can engage in an affair BEFORE he proposes, then what will keep him loyal to her after 10 years from now?

 

He really shouldn't be with her. It is unkind of him to string her along.

 

Have an honest conversation with him--if you two have harbored such strong emotions for this long, then consider really being together.

 

And if you don't decide to be seriously together, then say goodbye--a permanent goodbye, forever. If not, everybody along the ways will get hurt.

 

This poor girl, a woman, with a heart and a soul, with rights to love and with rights to be loved is used as a place holder for this guy.

 

OP, do YOU ever want to be with a guy who secretly is in love with someone, and is cheating on you WHILE he's planning on proposing to you?

 

I'm not judging you for cheating with him.

If this guy marries her, SHE will pay a hefty price years from now, because this guy will always harbor feelings for you, and that's not fair to her.

 

I understand you are trying to do the right thing. I understand you are feeling conflicted. If he breaks up with her because of you, that's not the worst thing. Because it will free her to find someone truly in love with her. Him marrying her while he's in love with you is the worst thing. That's the worst betrayal to her.

[Gigi2015]

Pay attention to actions not feelings. He may be conflicted. Step back and let him resolve this. If he is confused you'll only add to the confusion.

[Phoenician]

in front of society it is cheating .

you seem to be a very special woman .

 

what's more important than weather it is cheating or not is how do you really feel with this guy ?

 

is he able to blow your mind ?

 

at the same time I always believe that old friendships are not to be messed ;

and a jerk is someone who wakes up a woman love without the intention to love her ; I have been in that ship one day ...

I lost her , for good ....

 

good luck sweet venus .

[jenkins95]

Thank you for not judging me. It would have been so easy to do so. I agree with everything you have pointed out. If he was to break up with her I would never ever want that to happen unless he chose to do it, meaning I do not want her to find out about me by accident. I don't want him that way.

 

Part of me does feel sorry for her, I wouldn't want that for me which is what is keeping me away. Also the nature of our relationship is also what is probably keeping him from trying more with me. He knows me very well.

 

The vday showdown really left me speechless I never saw that coming, he came on his own and told me he was on his way to see me and keep me company.

 

He asks me how I'll spend my weekends and when I share my plans with him ( little detail possible ) he gets very cold & distant : jealous. It's very confusing. He's the one who initiates most of the contact and has complained about that already.

 

I am planning on talking to him and again ( as we always do ) plan on drifting away once again letting him decide what he needs to do for himself.

 

Thanks again, I will update!

 

Lychee! Thanks for your nice words. I definitely would not judge you - you seem like a lovely person and you are just confused and not sure what to do. Very sensibly you came here and sought advice before anything went too far. You should be applauded for that and I wish I had had half the common sense that you have got before I got into my particular mess!

 

Yes, please keep posting and I wish you all the very best of luck!

[BuddyX]

So let me get this straight. 5 year relationship with his GF but spending VDay with you? Ouch

Tell him to figure out his sh*t and come back to you only if he's available.

You know you are his side piece.

 

Start dating other men. So what if he gets jealous, he's already taken. He has no right to dictate your life.

[lychee]

I am not going to judge you for what you and this man are doing--but yes what you two are doing IS cheating.

 

But I do strongly think that for all the people you dated and he dated including this girl, it's SO unfair to those people.

 

You and this guy have had feelings for each other--for too long. Neither of you stepped up with what was brewing up all this time. Now he's been involved with someone for FIVE years and is thinking of proposing, which means she has been heavily invested in this relationship and he is cheating on her.

 

The OW/OM and infidelity sections are drowned with stories of men who get married, happily build a life, then things get dormant and they slip into an affair. The affair is only a mistake and slip up. But they really do love their spouses.

 

In your case, this guy has real feelings which he harbored for you all these years; if he can engage in an affair BEFORE he proposes, then what will keep him loyal to her after 10 years from now?

 

He really shouldn't be with her. It is unkind of him to string her along.

 

Have an honest conversation with him--if you two have harbored such strong emotions for this long, then consider really being together.

 

And if you don't decide to be seriously together, then say goodbye--a permanent goodbye, forever. If not, everybody along the ways will get hurt.

 

This poor girl, a woman, with a heart and a soul, with rights to love and with rights to be loved is used as a place holder for this guy.

 

OP, do YOU ever want to be with a guy who secretly is in love with someone, and is cheating on you WHILE he's planning on proposing to you?

 

I'm not judging you for cheating with him.

If this guy marries her, SHE will pay a hefty price years from now, because this guy will always harbor feelings for you, and that's not fair to her.

 

I understand you are trying to do the right thing. I understand you are feeling conflicted. If he breaks up with her because of you, that's not the worst thing. Because it will free her to find someone truly in love with her. Him marrying her while he's in love with you is the worst thing. That's the worst betrayal to her.

 

Thanks for your reply. I never said it is not cheating. I am aware it is emotional cheating at the very least. I am planning on talking to him about all of this. We are both aware that this will not keep going ( us talking the way we do ). I am sure if I don't bring it up, he will.

[lychee]

So let me get this straight. 5 year relationship with his GF but spending VDay with you? Ouch

Tell him to figure out his sh*t and come back to you only if he's available.

You know you are his side piece.

 

Start dating other men. So what if he gets jealous, he's already taken. He has no right to dictate your life.

 

He didnt spend vday with me.

He came over and stayed an hour.

I don't know what he told her, how he managed to come and spend an hour with me. As I said he never speaks of her and I never ask.

Yes he is not allowed to dictate my life but I guess he cant help himself and be jealous. Could be curiosity or maybe a way for him to convince himself that its best to stay away. I am not sure. I am honest. I do see other people, I havent stopped myself from going out with guys or meeting anyone.

[lychee]

in front of society it is cheating .

you seem to be a very special woman .

 

what's more important than weather it is cheating or not is how do you really feel with this guy ?

 

is he able to blow your mind ?

 

 

How I feel about him. I love him. I always will. I have for as long as I can remember I just was too scared before. Now that it's completely out. At least I know that he knows and there can't be no regrets about what happens from now on. I love him in a way that I want the best for him and maybe that's not me, maybe it's her. I want his happiness and if nothing is to come of this, my wish is for him to be happy. He knows this too I have told him, for him to think of proposing mean she must be a very special woman.

 

He can easily blow my mind and he knows this very well.

[Gigi2015]

He didnt spend vday with me.

He came over and stayed an hour.

I don't know what he told her, how he managed to come and spend an hour with me. As I said he never speaks of her and I never ask.

Yes he is not allowed to dictate my life but I guess he cant help himself and be jealous. Could be curiosity or maybe a way for him to convince himself that its best to stay away. I am not sure. I am honest. I do see other people, I havent stopped myself from going out with guys or meeting anyone.

 

He's not allowed to dictate your life? Yet you were present during his "one hour" availability on V-day? You don't see other people? He's got someone else who he dedicates MOST of his time to. He CHOOSES to do this. Sorry--you're lying to yourself....from the outside it seems you're available and you'll will be waiting for him. Skip the bravado...

[lychee]

He's not allowed to dictate your life? Yet you were present during his "one hour" availability on V-day? You don't see other people? He's got someone else who he dedicates MOST of his time to. He CHOOSES to do this. Sorry--you're lying to yourself....from the outside it seems you're available and you'll will be waiting for him. Skip the bravado...

 

I'm sorry but did you read my post? I had a date for vday, I cancelled because I had a cold. There was no vday to have. He came over on his own and informed me he was on his way. I'm not lying to myself, I am more than aware. I also knew I was going to be judged because this is a very sensitive topic. I havent stopped myself from dating. My prior relationship lasted longer than his current one.

[Lady2163]

My best friend ( guy ) and I have always been very close ever since we were teens. We always had a crush on each other, time did nothing to change that. We never did go out. We never had sex, never even kissed. Once we started dating ( late teens ) things changed, we'd get jealous/posessive of each other..we'd take breaks from our friendship.

 

Today we are late 20's.

I am single ( for now a few months ) and he is dating the same girl for now almost 5 years. He's currently been thinking of proposing, so it's very serious.

 

we are still friends, we don't communicate as much but when we do it's like it's always been : flirty but nothing more.

 

We had our 10 year HS reunion last weekend. We hadn't seen each other in person for about 2 years. We always kept in touch briefly through facebook & twitter.

 

When we met up for the reunion ( his gf didn't come along ) it was very emotional & flirty. We ended going to the reunion much later than planned. We decided to go get coffee instead and sit & talk. We had so much fun. We laughed and talk memories. Right then and there he said he had something he needed to come off his chest. He basically told me he always loved me, that I was the one that got away. That he always wished we had had a chance but because we were always dating other people he thought it would be best to keep quiet instead of maybe ruining a special friendship.

 

I was speechless but I managed to say the same. I managed to say I also was very much in love with him for as long as I could remember.

 

It felt great to share this but also extremely sad.

 

We don't live in the same city anymore, we don't even have the same friends. We both moved on with our lives but we still very much have that special link.

 

Here's the dirty part.

 

We started texting/calling & facetiming since.

Always when she's not around ( oh yes, they live together ) nothing "raunchy" has happened. We do flirt a lot more. We have been talking every day since our reunion, on valentines day he managed to come and see me ( I dont know how he explained it to her, I didnt ask ) and flat out told me he felt jealous ( I had a vday date but had to cancel because I had a cold, he came and kept me company for an hour almost ) He says he cant stop thinking about me, sometimes after our conversations he cant even fall asleep because I won't leave his mind. He's told me a lot of beautiful things that seriously crush me everytime I think I'll never have the chance to be with him.

 

And then, theres his gf ... he never talks about her. He mentioned once at the reunion but thats it. Said she never would approve of our friendship ( with reason ).

 

We havent had sex and we havent kiss. That day he came to see me, we both wanted to kiss each other so bad but he left before things started getting out of hand. ( we cuddled, we hugged)

 

I'm so mad at myself and at him for never attempting anything before.

 

I do believe it's emotional cheating and I do consider that cheating. I just know nothing else will ever happen between us. I don't want him to lose what he has but also wish we had a chance.

 

Thoughts?

 

Lychee, welcome to Loveshack. Just so you know, support does not always come without confrontation. As much as you would like people to just tactfully tell you what you want to hear, that isn't going to happen when you're courting infidelity.

 

You aren't cheating. But he is awfully close to it. He's having a relationship/friendship that is taking away from his primary relationship. And both of you know the girlfriend wouldn't approve. If she found out, while,it should make her run for hills, I think she'd probably be so angry and hurt that he might be guilted into marrying her. And she isn't the one for him, so fast forward to your 20 year reunion and now he is miserable with her and there are a couple of kids in tow.

 

But, he may not be as close to proposing as he said he was. After five years and now living together and age 28 expectations are there. I realize I'm old, but if at my ten year reunion a classmate had said they were in a five year relationship and not even engaged yet, I would have secretly rolled my eyes.

 

You have a history with this man and history is hard to fight. But, your history is that of childhood and young adulthood. That isn't real life.

 

I don't think you should "never talk to him again for the rest of your life". But I do think you need to tell him that he needs to keep the friendship G rated and to back off as long as he is with her. Life is risk. He needs to take the plunge and either marry her or end it and see if you two were meant to be together.

 

I was laughing as I typed this. My mother still saw her high school boyfriend at class reunions many times. She always went without my dad ( scheduling problems) and sometimes he was without his wife. Nothing ever happened and they were comfortable with each other. They weren't meant to be together and their relationship was one of childhood, not adulthood.

 

Don't settle. Don't let him treat you like a second class girlfriend.

[burnt]

Tell him to figure out his sh*t and come back to you only if he's available.

He is available; he seems to be for OP. That's the problem. It sounds like he always has been and will probably be.

 

You know you are his side piece.

I don't think so. It sounds like he sees OP as his first love and will always reserve a special place for her.

The problem is, it sounds to me that he will treat all the other women in his life as his second side dish.

 

Start dating other men. So what if he gets jealous, he's already taken. He has no right to dictate your life.

No, don't date other men, until you figure out why you two keep getting involved with other people, while you harbor this strong an affection for each other.

 

OP,

in case I failed to communicate clearly in my first post,

you two have something special, could be the relationship of a life time.

But if that's not the case, you two MUST NOT be in contact as friends from this point on. That chemistry you two have will act as fire to kill anyone else around.

[Doublegold]

Gosh I hope he doesn't marry this woman. It would be unfair to her and himself. He has feelings for you--an engagement would be a disaster.

 

 

Contrary to what many believe, I personally feel-- if you have an affair, you are not in love with your partner/spouse. I would never ever risk losing and hurting someone I loved for a meaningless romp. I suppose someone could have a ONS type mistake etc, but to actually bring someone else into your primary relationship does not show respect-- let alone love.

 

 

That being said, gosh I hope he doesn't marry this woman. It would be unfair to her and himself. He has feelings for you--an engagement would be a disaster.

 

 

Take Care!

[wmacbride]

Whatever you decide, you will have to live with it.

 

Right now, he is cheating on his SO to whom he has proposed marriage, and yet he has also told you he loves you.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that if he wants to see where a relationship with you might go, he needs to break things off with her first, and stick to that.

 

No seeing him while he puts things in place, makes his plans, etc.

No contact at all until he is on his own.

 

If he does that, then maybe you two might have a chance. If he doesn't, then you likely never did.

[LivingWaterPlease]

lychee, I also agree that you should tell him you don't want to continue to see him while he's with his gf. You're risking getting involved more deeply with him, now that both of your feelings are out in the open.

 

But, listen, if he ends up proposing to gf and staying with her, don't waste any part of your life grieving that he got away. It will be for your best. If he marries her feeling about you the way he does, well, that's not the kind of man you want to be married to.

[lychee]

To be clear he is not engaged, he hasn't proposed yet.

Also, he has never discussed leaving her, we have never talked about any of that. When we talk it's about the past or about what we wish we had.

 

I think he is comfortable with her and she does make him happy, he has said that she is special and she's his longest relationship to date.

 

This post was never about how to break them up or him leaving her. Its about my sadness and how we will probably never be together.

 

I'm not plotting to get him.

 

We have never kissed, never had sex and as long as he is with her we never will.

 

We had a pretty cold conversation yesterday which is easy to assume that he is starting to feel guilty as much as I'm starting to get annoyed of this situation.

 

Thanks for your posts.

Edited February 25, 2016 by lychee

[jenkins95]

To be clear he is not engaged, he hasn't proposed yet.

Also, he has never discussed leaving her, we have never talked about any of that. When we talk it's about the past or about what we wish we had.

 

I think he is comfortable with her and she does make him happy, he has said that she is special and she's his longest relationship to date.

 

This post was never about how to break them up or him leaving her. Its about my sadness and how we will probably never be together.

 

I'm not plotting to get him.

 

We have never kissed, never had sex and as long as he is with her we never will.

 

We had a pretty cold conversation yesterday which is easy to assume that he is starting to feel guilty as much as I'm starting to get annoyed of this situation.

 

Thanks for your posts.

 

Hang in there lychee. I'm very impressed by your posts. Whatever happens, you have a great future ahead! I wish you nothing but the very best

[lemondrop21]

Hang in there lychee. I'm very impressed by your posts. Whatever happens, you have a great future ahead! I wish you nothing but the very best

 

Agree with jenkins! Try not to take the backlash too personally. You're in a tough situation that I think you are handling most gracefully. I am cheering you on.

[lychee]

jenkins95 & lemondrop21

thank you so much for your kind words, it has been most helpful.

I have never been in this kind of situation and would never be able to share this with anybody else.

[dubliner]

Your story is eerily similar to mine except me and he did date and it ended.

One thing I will say, from my own experience, now the cat is out of the bag it's never going to be the same. The boundaries have been relaxed. You two cannot be just friends, ever, it will be emotional hell.

 

He is cheating on his gf, and you will forever be the elephant in the room if he goes ahead and marries her. It's unfair on all involved. Especially the unsuspecting gf who at any moment could have her world blown apart.

 

Personally I feel you should tell him that you both need to go no contact while he sorts himself out, decides for himself which path he wants to take his life on.

He may be in love with the fantasy of this imaginary relationship with you, on the other hand it could be a wonderful pairing, however you can't forever be 'the one that got away' right in his face, he should be 100% committed to his future wife not reminiscing and playing fantasy future 'what if' games with you, this will only serve to keep the two of you bonded and destroy his relationship with her.