Do men chance their mind about wanting kids?

[trudy]

So, my guy finally popped the question. I've been with him 3 years, love him to death and we have a great relationship that's the envy of our friends. After several bung relationships, this guy really is the love of my life - funny, charming, devoted and clever. We;ve lived together for ages and marriage seems a natural progression. But ... well, there's the little question of kids. He doesn't want any. No-chance, dead-set, announced-it-about-2-dates-into-the-courtship doesn’t want any. His freaked out, mad as hell (not with me, but with the world) reaction when I thought I might be pregnant a year ago showed that attitude hasn’t changed. In fact, his over-the-top reaction nearly destroyed our relationship, and I ended up making it clear that any obligations he had toward a child of ours would end with my refusal to have an abortion. I also suggested that if it was that big a deal, he could get a vasectomy - he's yet to take me up on that!

 

Now, when I started going out with him, I didn't think that was a problem at all. No kids? No problem! I never thought I'd want to marry him. Heck, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone, let alone have children! But love changes everything ... See, now I can imagine a day when I will want kids. Not now. I'm 29 and my guy is 33, so we've got lots of time, but some day, maybe. Only he is so adamant that I doubt he will change his mind.

 

Prior to this proposal (okay, engagement now…), we had what I thought was an agreement. I would stay with him unless and until my desire to have children outweighed my desire for him. He hoped it would never happen, and I had no idea if it would. Now he wants to marry me anyway, and on the same grounds! I just don’t know what to do. Part of me thinks that he is trying to add another barrier to me leaving, if I do want kids. Another part wonders if maybe, just maybe, he’s contemplating changing his mind. I don’t know that I could ever leave my guy, but I also don’t want to be trapped by his unwillingness to have kids and end up being bitter and twisted. But then, I could leave, break both our hearts, and not be able to have kids…Argh!

 

Would leaving at 35 even be feasible? I don't know what to do...

[Mr Spock]

Wow....you need to come to an agreement. This is going to be a deal breaker for both of you. Don't accept his proposal if you can't accept the fact he does not want kids, it's BOTH your choice. "accidentally" getting pregnant will cause your marriage to split, and you sacrificing your need to have children will end it too.

 

 

What you're proposing is kind of pointless. Get married? What you'll get is BIG therapy bills when the dust settles.

 

 

Do not marry him.

[Tony]

I've seen this situation a hundred times. You even admit yourself he's not likely to change his mind. The anger and resentment that will build up in you because YOU denied yourself the opportunity of fulfilling your dream of having children will cancel any and all love you may have ever had for this man.

 

Perhaps the two of you should see a competent counsellor or therapist to go over this before you make a final decision. But give a LOT of thought to this. I know you love this guy but that will die real fast becase, I think, the desire in women to have children trumps romantic love. Romantic love is nature's way of bringing two humans together for procreation. If neither of them want children, they get by on the cheap side without sleepless nights and that's a bonus. But that doesn't happen often.

 

You will regret having married this man all the days of your life if the opportunity to have children is taken away. Why women want to change men....or think they will change....after marriage is beyond me. I will never understand that.

[Jlmic1]

I completley agree with the previous posts.

 

If he doesn't want kids, and he's adimant about it, at 33 years old he is very unlikely to change his mind.

 

I have never wanted kids, and the fact that I met and married the man of my dreams hasn't changed that. I doubt it will change for him either.

 

That's a huge decision, and I honestly don't think that you should marry a man who doesn't want children, when you do. It sounds as though he is dead set on this.

 

Just my opinion, good luck!

[westernxer]

Don't get knocked up "accidentally," or he's really gonna freak out.

[moimeme]

I agree with the others but just want to remark on this:

 

See, now I can imagine a day when I will want kids

 

Is that a vague 'imagine' or do you feel the craving starting? I've never been subject to the 'mommy urge' so I was the one who stipulated that my marriage not go ahead if he had other ideas. The marriage is over - but not over kids. To this day, I've not changed my mind about having kids and have never regretted the decision. I have a couple of friends who had wanted kids but things didn't work out for them at the right time and they decided they could live without having kids of their own.

 

So it's really in the end about whether or not your imagining is the beginning of the baby urge or not.

[Thinkalot]

Everyone has given you top advice already- I think you need an agreement on this, and to examine how much you want kids, or will want them. Otherwise you are entering a marriage with one big time bomb under you.

 

I dont want a child right now myself, but know I will someday, and would not have just married my husband if he had said he didn't want any...ever. He is on the fence himself...he can imagine having them, and yet, if I was to say to him, nope- i dont want kids, he'd be ok with that too.

 

A friend of ours recently left her husband because he did not want a kid...and a close friend of mine just left her partner, because he said he would never want children. This kind of thing is a deal breaker.

 

good luck!

[Grinning Maniac]

What do you mean do they change their mind? That's a pretty impossible question for us to answer about *your* fiance isn't it?

 

As a general rule....no, why should he? He's made it crystal clear that he doesn't want kids. Any ifs, ands, or buts he's given you have likely been to appease you. Come on. Think about it. After all his insistance that kids are a no-go, he reverses it after a fight? Wow that'll really hold up.

 

Look babydoll, it seems like you're starting to itch for kids and that's probably not going to go away. Your guy has said he doesn't want kids. If you do...what more is there to discuss? Enjoy the relationship for a while longer and then leave so you can pop out some crotch-rats. Hopefully you won't rush it and pick a sucky dad.

 

This guy isn't it.

 

If you somehow "convince" him to go ahead with being a dad, your relationship will spoil like milk. Some people just don't want kids. Lord knows I don't ever. I can relate about the vascectomy thing too. I'm afraid of getting that done, as much as I hate the idea of parenthood. I think all men are scared the surgeon will sneeze and we'll never get a hard-on again. No matter how unlikely they tell us the chances of that are...it's still in the back of our minds. So it doesn't mean your guy's "keeping his options open". It probably means he's trying to keep his tube steak operational. I'm afraid I'd get Freddy Krueger as my surgeon....

 

So yeah...this is probably the beginning of the end, unless you're willing to live without kids. But trust me, the one thing you DON'T want is to "nudge" him into being a dad.

[westernxer]

They won't even give you a vasectomy unless you've had kids or are past your prime, at least that's what I've heard from a couple of doctors. Sometimes they make you see a psychologist, too, just to be certain you won't change your mind.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but from what I understand, if the guy is young and without kids, they won't give him the snip, period.

[Jlmic1]

Originally posted by westernxer

They won't even give you a vasectomy unless you've had kids or are past your prime, at least that's what I've heard from a couple of doctors. Sometimes they make you see a psychologist, too, just to be certain you won't change your mind.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but from what I understand, if the guy is young and without kids, they won't give him the snip, period.

 

That is very true. They wont "tie a womans tubes" if she's too young and without children either.

 

I've known two men who have tried to have vasectomys and the doctors wouldn't do it for them. I think you have to be married, and already have kids, and if you don't already have kids, you actually need your wifes permission on paper.

 

The same goes for women with getting the ol tubes tied when you don't have kids.

[moimeme]

That is very true. They wont "tie a womans tubes" if she's too young and without children either.

 

I've known two men who have tried to have vasectomys and the doctors wouldn't do it for them. I think you have to be married, and already have kids, and if you don't already have kids, you actually need your wifes permission on paper.

 

I don't believe this. I do NOT believe this. I suggest that anyone who wants to get snipped check for him or herself rather than listen to rumours. You may have to hunt around for a physician who doesn't think that tubals and vasectomies 'violate their moral principles' but there have to be some left down there. If not, move to Canada.

[westernxer]

You can find it right here... it's no rumor:

 

http://www.infoforhealth.org/pr/j44/j44chap8.shtml

[trudy]

Well, I should make one thing clear: I didn't "try" to get pregnant and I would *never* do that. We had a condom accident, I took the morning after pill, and then my period was late a couple of days. My guy freaked, and we talked about how long I should wait before going to the doctor. He strongly implied I would have to have an abortion if pregnant, I pointed out I'd already told him, 3 years ago when we started having sex, I wouldn't do that, and he basically begged me to do so nonetheless. Thank God, I wasn't pregnant. But it was the beginning of my rethink about how I would react to being pregnant, and I started to ask myself whether I would want a child.

 

My guy knows that I may want children one day. He keeps saying he does not. That, however, has not stopped *him* proposing to *me.* He knows my views on the subject, so this makes no sense. I was perfectly happy just living with him - or, maybe not perfectly happy, but content to continue with the relationship. I never expected he'd ask me to marry him. I'm delighted, flattered, excited, but confused.

 

But I agree: we have to talk. We're both saying that "we have time" to work this kind of thing out, but we don't. I'm currentlycontemplating whether I do want kids, or whether it's just an excuse I'm manufacturing to create some drama in my otherwise peaceful life. If I decide I may want kids, though, I agree - I will have to leave him eventually. I'll just have to work up to breaking our engagement and walking away from a fantastic relationship.

[maja]

Trudy, you do have a tough decision to make if you do decide to have kids. But to me it already sounds like you do want too, but you are slightly changing your mind because the love of your life doesn't. I hope all works out for you, but think if in 10 years your relationship falls apart for some other issues and you didn't have a baby, you will most likely hate yourself for that and regret your decision. I would also strongly advise you both see a counselor. Maybe he went through some trauma as a kid that is making him not wanting kids and maybe this can all change with the proper help. Did you ever think to yourself that if you do have a kid by him what kind of a father would he be? If he doesn't like kids or doesn't want any, he might not like his own as well.....I wish you best of luck!!!!

[Jas]

Originally posted by westernxer

You can find it right here... it's no rumor:

 

http://www.infoforhealth.org/pr/j44/j44chap8.shtml

 

I don't see anything on that page supporting the theory that you have to have kids, be past your prime, or get your partner's consent. Only recommendations and rationale of what precautions to consider.

[krbshappy71]

Great advice here. Yes people change their minds, no you can't HOPE he will and just move along through the motions because you are excited about the engagement. This is huge. Can you two at least discuss it or does he flip out on you? Flipping out isn't good, you two need to be able to talk about it, the pros and cons for both of you. I told my bf "no kids no way" when we first got together. Then we had a major turning point and I changed my mind. He wanted kids but was fine either way. His major "no way" was marriage. He made it very clear from day one there would not be marriage in our future. We can talk about it, though, about why he doesn't want it, his fears, the pros and cons for both of us. The only reason I can handle his stance on no marriage is because I truly can talk to him and listen to him about the topic. If he were to just shut me out I'd probably chalk him up to a commitment-phobe and move on, HA! Anyhow the point is, this is huge. You NEED to have this conversation, not to make him commit to allowing kids, to discuss it and to know you can talk about it openly. People do change, heck you may even change your mind yourself, later. But the discussion should still happen just so you both know what you are getting into.

[Jolene]

Children deserve two parents. A single parent family is a much different dynamic than a supporting and loving couple. If you get pregnant by the partner you are currently with, he will leave you or at the very least he will not leave you but he will be miserable with you for the rest of your lives. You know you deserve more and so would your innocent child. Your partner will not change his mind, because he has already decided that the relationship is all about him and what he wants. His reaction when you had a scare already confirms his selfishness. Move on if you want to have a baby. It's a tough decision. Don't make a mistake. You will resent him either way, I think. Parenthood is not as rosy as you might think.....it's important to have as much support on the other side as possible, and I don't mean child support (that is secondary to your personal, financial and social welfare!)...good luck!

[lindya]

I think you have to paint worst case scenario, tell yourself "this really is what could happen" and try to figure out whether you could live with that outcome.

 

Here's one. Wanting kids, meeting someone who says he definitely doesn't want kids, falling in love with him. Agreeing, out of sheer love for this guy, to sacrifice the desire to have kids. Spending the next 20 or so years with him. Hitting menopause. Hearing him start to mull over that actually he kind of regrets never having kids. Listening to him justify (or not bother justifying) why he's decided to leave you for someone whose biological clock hasn't stopped ticking.

 

It's a crap picture to paint I know, but one of life's tragedies is that sometimes the people you love do change in exactly the way you want them to change....the catch being that they change much later than you hoped the would - and for someone other than you.

 

Be very careful what you do here, Jolene. Shared goals are as important as (and probably more conducive to a lasting relationship than) romantic love. Like Moimeme, I just never have had that strong broody urge - but I understand that it's almost like an ache, and that ache might last a lot longer than what you feel for your boyfriend just now.