Is breaking up via text ever acceptable?

[Simon Phoenix]

You do make a fair point, and obviously I was appreciate the girl didn't just go AWOL on me. We've all had that happen and it sucks. And the point about being broken up with "badly" is a valid one. In my experience it's been much tougher to get past a situation when everyone was really nice and respectful.

 

Yep, it's the whole "cruel to be kind" thing. I think in a lot of situations it's "nicer" to be clear about what's going on instead of trying to let them down easy. Letting them down easy can cause even more angst because it fuels hope.

[amj1979]

I think it is if it's not a relationship. If you've hung out a handful of times only and you feel it isn't going anywhere, are you going to make arrangements to meet up or just end it quickly?

 

 

I'm starting to accept the idea of ending things via text if it's truly a casual or short-term thing. It's honestly just not something I've encountered before and wasn't sure what the popular opinion is on it. With my specific situation I'm still on the fence and feel a phone call would have been more respectful. Or at least waiting until I'm not in the middle of work to send the text so I can appropriately respond. That's the part that to me seemed a little cowardly. An in-person ending would in no way have been necessary or desired, and it frankly would have been overkill. I do think the girl in question wouldn't have felt confident/comfortable enough to do it any other way than via text, so that was probably the biggest reason it happened the way it did. As others have stated, and I agree with them, ending it somehow is much better than just fading away or ghosting.

[amj1979]

I think it is if it's not a relationship. If you've hung out a handful of times only and you feel it isn't going anywhere, are you going to make arrangements to meet up or just end it quickly?

 

If you're just dating then ending it via text is fine.

 

However, If you're in a relationship of 2/3months+ then it should be face to face. Dumping via text to me is the cowards way out, very selfish and in my eyes shows a complete lack of respect to the dumpee - says a lot about the dumper as a person actually.

 

 

I agree with you in terms of the extremes...first couple dates versus an established relationship or exclusive dating. My situation felt somewhat in between. Definitely still in the beginning stages, but we'd spent a lot of time together in addition to daily texts and/or phone calls. Thus I felt a phone call would have been in order, not a text while I was at work. As I mentioned in another response in this thread, that's the part I felt wasn't cool.

[amj1979]

Yep, it's the whole "cruel to be kind" thing. I think in a lot of situations it's "nicer" to be clear about what's going on instead of trying to let them down easy. Letting them down easy can cause even more angst because it fuels hope.

 

 

I completely agree. Nothing feels less like true closure than the "I'm just not ready for something serious right now" or "I need to focus on me" lines we've all heard before. They imply the door might still be open in the future, and it doesn't address the actual issue. I'd rather a girl just tell me she doesn't feel a romantic connection, or something along those lines. It's an ego bruise to be sure, but there will always be someone down the road who feels differently.

[BC1980]

I'd say it depends on the situation. I have a difficult time speaking in absolutes about anything though. IMO, a 6 week relationship doesn't warrant a sit down conversation. Maybe a short phone call at the most. As others have mentioned, the outcome is the same. As I've reflected back on my breakups, I've never really felt that hurt about the method of the breakup. I don't even remember some of them. I mean, there's no good way to do it. I judged the relationship based on the totality of what occurred during it.

 

At times, I have wished that my recent ex didn't do a sit down, face to face breakup because it was difficult to leave that night. It was awful to cry in front of him. I think that is what I most remember about our breakup and what I wish to forget. I remember a poster on LS that was asking if he should drive an hour to break up with someone, knowing that she would be excited about him coming to see her. That sounded awful to me. I voted for him to call her.

 

So if you are speaking in general terms, my answer would be that it depends on the situation. If you are speaking about your situation specifically, I don't think there is a problem with breaking up via text after 6 weeks.

[BC1980]

I completely agree. Nothing feels less like true closure than the "I'm just not ready for something serious right now" or "I need to focus on me" lines we've all heard before. They imply the door might still be open in the future, and it doesn't address the actual issue. I'd rather a girl just tell me she doesn't feel a romantic connection, or something along those lines. It's an ego bruise to be sure, but there will always be someone down the road who feels differently.

 

The problem is that people don't say what they are feeling outright because they often feel it's too harsh or don't want to hurt your feelings. You have to learn to read between the lines and realize that "not right now" means NEVER. "I need to focus on me" means NEVER. All of that BS is code for NO, NEVER, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

I actually tired to be very upfront with a guy one time. He was interested in me, and I told him that I wasn't sexually attracted to him. Word for word that's what I told him. He iced me out and never spoke to me again. I would try to talk to him, and he would walk away. Completely ignored me, and we had been friends before that. I went to Thanksgiving at his parent's house one year. We were legit friends before that. So yeah, being direct sometimes gets you into trouble. You can't really win when you don't want to date someone or are going to break their heart. You will always be the bad guy in that situation. I've tried the indirect method and also gotten cr@p results. There's a guy that likes me right now. He gave my number to a friend to give to me. I told the friend to tell him I wasn't interested, and I never called him. The guy still creeps around me at work. Still tries to talk to me. So what to do? I think the idea that all breakups need to be face to face is overrated. Letting someone down gently is overrated.

[AnnaGem]

6 weeks isn't very long.. I "dated" someone for 6 weeks and we only went out a handful of times, weren't exclusive, and never spoke on the phone. I saw no need to meet face to face to decide that we weren't going to continue seeing each other..

 

Every scenario is different, but I can totally understand scenarios where breaking up via text would be acceptable

[amj1979]

The problem is that people don't say what they are feeling outright because they often feel it's too harsh or don't want to hurt your feelings. You have to learn to read between the lines and realize that "not right now" means NEVER. "I need to focus on me" means NEVER. All of that BS is code for NO, NEVER, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

I actually tired to be very upfront with a guy one time. He was interested in me, and I told him that I wasn't sexually attracted to him. Word for word that's what I told him. He iced me out and never spoke to me again. I would try to talk to him, and he would walk away. Completely ignored me, and we had been friends before that. I went to Thanksgiving at his parent's house one year. We were legit friends before that. So yeah, being direct sometimes gets you into trouble. You can't really win when you don't want to date someone or are going to break their heart. You will always be the bad guy in that situation. I've tried the indirect method and also gotten cr@p results. There's a guy that likes me right now. He gave my number to a friend to give to me. I told the friend to tell him I wasn't interested, and I never called him. The guy still creeps around me at work. Still tries to talk to me. So what to do? I think the idea that all breakups need to be face to face is overrated. Letting someone down gently is overrated.

 

 

I think the way someone handles being broken up with is indicative of their personality and independent of how that message was conveyed. Someone who is immature or creepy will be that way no matter what, so in those cases they probably don't deserve (and can't handle) face-to-face breakups. The girl who ended things with me via text, regardless of whether or not handling it that way was respectful enough, was at least considerate in the sense of being direct and saying she just didn't feel a romantic connection. Her words and actions leading up to that definitely sent mixed messages, but at least her decision to end things was to the point. Yes it sucked to hear, however I had all the info I needed to move on without lingering doubts. I agree that letting someone down gently is almost disrespectful because it shows a lack of empathy. When you enter a dating situation you accept the responsibility that comes with it, including and especially if you decide to end things. Be a grown-up and communicate your feelings, even if it you risk hurting the other person's feelings. I believe that's far more respectful.

[amj1979]

6 weeks isn't very long.. I "dated" someone for 6 weeks and we only went out a handful of times, weren't exclusive, and never spoke on the phone. I saw no need to meet face to face to decide that we weren't going to continue seeing each other..

 

Every scenario is different, but I can totally understand scenarios where breaking up via text would be acceptable

 

 

 

 

I agree with you in general but do feel it depends somewhat on the nature of the connection over those 6 weeks. You can be "dating" someone for 6 weeks and only briefly hang out a couple times with not much contact in between. The other extreme can happen as well, of course. In my situation, starting a week before our first date and continuing until things ended, one of us contacted the other every day. I'd say it was 60% texting and 40% phone calls. Unintentionally, none of our dates were less than 4 hours long and we actually spent 10 hours together on Valentine's Day. The girl perpetuated things as much as I did. In fact, she was the one who wanted to reconnect prior to V-Day after initially ending things. I was under no illusions of a relationship or even exclusive dating, but we were definitely past the first/second date phase. That said, as I've mentioned I think the girl probably didn't feel she could express herself as well verbally be it in person (which I was in no way expecting) or even over the phone.

[BC1980]

I think the way someone handles being broken up with is indicative of their personality and independent of how that message was conveyed. Someone who is immature or creepy will be that way no matter what, so in those cases they probably don't deserve (and can't handle) face-to-face breakups. The girl who ended things with me via text, regardless of whether or not handling it that way was respectful enough, was at least considerate in the sense of being direct and saying she just didn't feel a romantic connection. Her words and actions leading up to that definitely sent mixed messages, but at least her decision to end things was to the point. Yes it sucked to hear, however I had all the info I needed to move on without lingering doubts. I agree that letting someone down gently is almost disrespectful because it shows a lack of empathy. When you enter a dating situation you accept the responsibility that comes with it, including and especially if you decide to end things. Be a grown-up and communicate your feelings, even if it you risk hurting the other person's feelings. I believe that's far more respectful.

 

Looking back, I think I was harsh to tell the guy I wasn't physically attracted to him. I don't think it was necessary. However, at the time, I honestly didn't see anything wrong with it, which is probably because I was an immature 20 year old. I also knew the guy pretty well, so maybe I made a miscalculation there. It's just hard to break up with people. There's no nice way to do it. I think it's best to just cut to the chase and be firm. Ironically, that seems cruel, but, in the overall scheme of things, it's what is best for both parties. Crying, begging, having a drawn out conversation. . . . all of that is not beneficial and is the danger of an in person breakup.

 

When I think back on my recent ex, I now realize how difficult it must have been for him to breakup with me. I don't envy him in that regard. It's got to be hard to know you are going to crush someone and to watch them cry. I get why people don't want face to face confrontations when it comes to that. I just think all of this is extremely difficult, and maybe we shouldn't be so judgmental when it comes down to the method for breaking up. Unless it's just some horribly awful way of doing it, I wouldn't think too much of it. I wouldn't hold it against someone or use it to judge their overall character.

 

I think this girl was to the point, which is great. That is important. Just be honest with people. Don't lead them on. Don't try to leave the door open. I've learned that lesson the hard way over the years.

[BC1980]

I agree with you in general but do feel it depends somewhat on the nature of the connection over those 6 weeks. You can be "dating" someone for 6 weeks and only briefly hang out a couple times with not much contact in between. /QUOTE]

 

I also agree with this, which is why I think it's so situational. There could be cases of being with a person for years who is abusive, and it's best to simply ghost one day. There are so many different possibilities.