Separation approaching

[danny11]

So its been 3 months when hell started, We been married about 10 years been together a total of 22 years we got together young I'm 38 she's 35.

 

We have one 10 year old child, so about 4 months ago she started a new job and the pay was very good, myself i pretty much stay home and invest in property but i don't go to an office so lets say i work from home. We never had abuse in our relationship we never had money problems, our home is paid off as well as other rental properties we own.

 

The schedule at her new job is kinda crazy she wakes up at 3 a.m. and gets off at

2 P.M. so she is always tired naps a lot and goes to bed around 8 p.m. some times earlier.

 

I think thats where the disconnection started she just got more into work as 1-2 months passed i notice she was being so different very distant, she told me she felt strange as if she was depressed i didn't think much of it figure it would pass two weeks later I'm picking at it again irritated by the lack of emotion towards me at this point i notice she's trying but it seems forced, sex was good the first week of december but after that it went down and now there is no sex.

 

I have had issues with controlling to what extent well i didn't think it was bad but she has told me its the little things and she feels a little resentment, With all this she hits me with she needs space of course my first reaction is to be mad WTF do you mean space your at work all the time you want more space.. I wasn't understanding at all I'm not an idiot need space means either your having an affair or want to have one and on rare occasions they actually do need space.

 

I got mad but backed off a week later I'm picking at it again and she says the same thing she thinks something is wrong she feels different, so i get suspicious i start thinking the new job changed her since we seem to be fine before it, right away i think she met someone at the job, SHE SWEARS thats not true. there is not change in her schedule there isn't nothing odd i went threw both her phones nothing suspicious and i have confronted her about 30 times about someone else to the point that she's over the edge past annoyed and frustrated in our marriage.

 

I know i have handled this like an idiot i honestly didn't know what to do but panic as many who get hit with i need space, now i got my act together but its too late were gonna seperate or as she says TAKE A BREAK to better ourselfs.

 

I put our main house on the market as a scare tactic and can you believe it sold in 1 day WOW, she was a little upset but never said hey lets fix the relationship together don't sell the house, so now I'm moving me and my daughter are moving to another state and she's moving in to her moms. 5 months ago we were gonna move together and everything was fine! her new job changed it all. what pushed her over the edge who knows.

 

All this has happen in a matter of 2 months and the initial change happen about 3-4 months ago, i have asked her lets fix our issues together i have offered to go to counseling she's declined everything, she says she doesn't want to lose her family but she needs to be herself by herself she says she feels I've controlled our whole lifes and she just wants some time to be herself.

 

She says she needs to feel that she misses me and that she can't live without me,but I'm just thinking damn is it even possible your gonna feel that way.

 

So i guess we separate and just hope we miss each other enough to want to reconcile, i have did all research and i am certain there is no other man will there be one soon maybe i don't know.

 

Strange thing is she wants nothing! no money no homes she's taking her new car which i just bought her in november and a few things and a checking account that only has like 7k in it. As far as my daughter, me and her have a super bond so we decided she comes with me.

 

WHAT IS GOING ON? i know first thing to think is she's having an affair of some sort... but when? ive tracked all her time checked all her phones, gps her location 2-4 times a day and yes i know its like being a stalker and trust me i was never like this but she just has pushed me to believe anything can be going on.

 

So on March 12 2016 I'm leaving with my daughter a good amount of cash and a uhual, to relocate to another state and the wifes not coming.

 

On valentines she told via text, with all that is happening I'm realizing how much i love you, then she said once you and my daughter leave i don't think i will last long and i will follow. the gave me hope but nothing changed still distant still needs space.

 

anyone? advice? what does the future hold for me, I'm not dumb and I'm not leaving with high hopes I'm trying to tell myself its over i don't want to set myself up for failure. At this point i can't even bring up the subject because she just so frustrated talking about the same thing...she tells me all she need is a little time she says she's done everything I've asked for 22 years can i just give her a little time.

 

 

And yes we been together for every year and almost everyday never did much of anything separate, to be honest i can use space too but i don't want nothing to screw up the family.

[KBarletta]

My advice would be to move on as if you are headed for divorce. That does not mean it HAS to happen, but that you can prepare yourself for whatever is to come. That means talk to a lawyer, do your best to get custody of your daughter (legally, not just physically), protect your assets (she may say she wants nothing now, but that could change once reality sets in.

 

The fact that you have been together so long may be feeding into some sort of midlife-crisis style feeling for her, a feeling of wanting to experience something other than what she has had for most of her life. She may snap out of it and realize what she is losing, but I wouldn't wait around for her to do that, nor would I recommend begging her back, because that would only serve to push her further away. I would do your best to move on, protect yourself, take the best possible care of yourself and your daughter, and see how things play out.

 

Best of luck.

[VirtualHope]

I'm so sorry for your current marital situation. It sounds like you've done all you know how to do to keep the two of you together and avoid a separation. And while I can sense your anxiety and frustration, I applaud your willingness to surrender control and your own desires to give her the space and time she needs to process her thoughts and emotions and possibly any experiences that led up to the breakdown of your marriage.

 

However, I also believe that marriages are meant to be forever and are worth fighting for. It seems like you feel the same way. []

 

I know things may look bleak right now, but I believe in a God who can do the impossible in all situations. Please be encouraged. I'll be praying for your marriage.

Edited February 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Commercial link redacted

[Mr. Lucky]

So its been 3 months when hell started, We been married about 10 years been together a total of 22 years we got together young I'm 38 she's 35.

 

If my math is correct, she was 13 when you first got together ???

 

I think KB nailed it, she may simply feel she's never experienced anything - or anyone - else. The disconnect must be pretty profound, don't know too many parents that would walk away from a 10-year old child. Has she been assessed for depression? Some of what you've described indicates a disassociation that's common with mental disorders.

 

Be prepared that she may want to reconcile - after having been with someone else. You'll have some decisions to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

I agree with the previous posts but for this to happen all of a sudden there may be another senario.

 

If it's a workplace affair they are much harder to detect if they are using company email, phones, etc.

 

I hope that's not the case and if it isn't your best bet is to back completely off and work on your own life.

 

I'd file sooner than later while you may get better terms. You can always back off if circumstances change or reconnect after the divorce but do not put this off.

 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[danny11]

If my math is correct, she was 13 when you first got together ???

 

I think KB nailed it, she may simply feel she's never experienced anything - or anyone - else. The disconnect must be pretty profound, don't know too many parents that would walk away from a 10-year old child. Has she been assessed for depression? Some of what you've described indicates a disassociation that's common with mental disorders.

 

Be prepared that she may want to reconcile - after having been with someone else. You'll have some decisions to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Wow thanks for the response, she knows how I feel about cheating it's something I find un forgivable.

 

I just don't know I'm so so confused, she was packing stuff in my daughters room and she shows no emotion.

 

Every morning before work she kisses me good buy and tells me to have a good day, but she does not kiss me good night.

 

If I for even the smallest reason bring up the problem, she instantly get frustrated she avoids that conversation at all cost and now I do to since it creates so much tension.

 

What I find crazy is how can we not talk about what is happening, in my eyes it's the worst thing and it's gonna change all our life's and she wants to just ignore it and take her space and me and my daughter will figure out what we do. I tell her to give it thought that it's just so selfish of her I don't care about giving her the space but not like this. Too many loose ends no gaurantees no set date simply me and my daughter appear to be her option B.

 

Horrible

[danny11]

I agree with the previous posts but for this to happen all of a sudden there may be another senario.

 

If it's a workplace affair they are much harder to detect if they are using company email, phones, etc.

 

I hope that's not the case and if it isn't your best bet is to back completely off and work on your own life.

 

I'd file sooner than later while you may get better terms. You can always back off if circumstances change or reconnect after the divorce but do not put this off.

 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

 

 

 

I've gone threw her work phone and work emails found nothing, I have zero evidence

 

Don't get me wrong sometimes I hope she is having an affair just so it can clear things up for me because an affair for me it's a no brainier I'm done forever.

 

 

I just can't get the evidence and she's denied it to death her mom has said no other man and her sister told me as well.

 

 

I knew none of his matters there could still be something going on but I haven't been able to find nothing, she doesn't text or talk to no one when she's home with me her face book only follows a few people and her Facebook chat is just family and 1-2 female friends

 

So not sure not denying she might be fooling around but I just don't see how

[Marc878]

One other thing if it is cheating they do lie so a voice activated recorder in her car may tell you what you need to know.

[Marc878]

Either there is nothing going on on someone's real smart. Prepaid or burner phones are not traceable.

 

It's very odd this happened that quick. Your gut instinct is usually never wrong. Maybe not 100% but.........

[Marc878]

For a mother to let her daughter go like this is highly unusual as well. If there's not another man in the mix in this senario it would be a first but I guess it could happen just not likely.

 

Blood is thicker than water so don't put much stock in her family telling you anything. They will back her no matter what.

 

Separation is usually a bad thing. Prep for divorce or to have time for someone else.

 

I would say you are ahead of most istead of living in denial you forged ahead. So keep going.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

If I were you I'd do the 180 and avoid as much contact as possible. Work on yourself. Get a gym membership anything to take your mind off this.

 

Begging, pleading, talking will not get you anything.

 

It won't be easy but it does work. She's decided to end it so avoid falling for her breadcrumbs. They are probably meaningless and may be used to keep you as plan B if what she's up to doesn't work out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I knew none of his matters there could still be something going on but I haven't been able to find nothing, she doesn't text or talk to no one when she's home with me her face book only follows a few people and her Facebook chat is just family and 1-2 female friends

 

So not sure not denying she might be fooling around but I just don't see how

 

Danny, as tough as it is, I'd stop looking. You've got bigger issues in your life than playing private detective and, as often happens, there will be developments that bring clarity to the situation.

 

As hard as this is on you, it will be harder on your 10-yr old. New home, new school, new friends and no Mom closeby will be a big transition. Make her your focus, she needs you to be strong for both of you.

 

Your wife will do what she will do. Take care of you and yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

There's something missing here. There is another piece of the puzzle that hasn't come to light here yet.

 

 

This is almost reminding me of another thread in the marriage section. Has your wife recently been started on Prozac or another SSRI anti depressant??

 

 

Otherwise is there more to this story that you haven't mentioned yet? Has there been any incidents of abuse? Any addiction or chemical/alcohol abuse? Have you been chronically unemployed or underemployed? Have you simply been an A-hole for years? Any elephants in the room that have not come to light yet?

 

 

Absent of abuse, addiction, chronic employment etc etc normal, healthy women with minor children do not just pack up and leave their home and family and minimize their relationship with their children unless there is another man (woman?).

 

 

I agree with Mr Lucky that at the moment your priority needs to be lawyering up and protecting your property, assets and relationship with your child before playing jr detective.

 

 

Once you have your wagons circled and your assets protected and a divorce plan in place, then you can hire a PI if you want to get to the bottom of everything, but for now you need to be on the defense to protect yourself.

 

 

Whatever is going on, she is serious and you must assume she is gone and not coming back. Whether she is just a garden variety "Walk Away Wife" (look up that term and become familiar with it) or whether she has another man that she is going to be moving on with, that you need to protect yourself is the same.

[danny11]

UPDATE

 

 

ok so I checked the phone records and ran into some text record

 

 

She's been texting a male co worker every minute everyday since December 1

 

So I guess that's the missing piece

 

Confronted her at first she said it was a female

 

I called the number it's a male, confronted her again she said she needed someone to talk too and had no one that it's just a friend.

 

So what do you guys think, I kicked her out the house she got clothes and left

 

I actually feel good, feel like this clears everything from me, funny how she says that talking to him wasn't the cause for our disconnect that she's been unhappy and I told her but if you weren't having an affair we could of fixed the issues but since now you have a new boyfriend I don't matter, she insist it's just a friend but they text a whole lot like insane month of January 509 text

 

 

What's you guys think

[Mr. Lucky]

she insist it's just a friend

 

So she's deceived you about everything up to this point but is telling the truth about this ??? Not very likely.

 

People lie to protect things that are important to them. People, myself included, have been telling you clarity is coming and now it's here, you're starting to see what's actually motivating her to move out and abandon her family. Plan accordingly.

 

Knowing is better than not, but doesn't make it hurt any less. Sorry this has happened to you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[testmeasure]

"What is, is. What is not, is not, nor can it be." - Parmenides.

 

"Nothing exists but change." "You can not step in the same river twice, it is different each time." - Heraclitus

 

Parmenides - nothing exists without change.

Heraclitus - nothing but change exists.

 

Neither are probably true. These are "translated" words we babbled more than 2500 years ago.

 

Do your best to save it. If it can't be saved, focus on the kid. Kids are important, and both parents are to them.

 

Now a personal take. This doesn't sound good. This isn't great. This isn't your doing. If it's not, that makes me lean toward you. I want to say, just go. If I didn't take sides, I'd be equal about the kids. Somehow, things seem better on your side. This is still me saying go.

 

Start playing a primary role in your child's life. Start documenting this. Take primary charge of your 10 year olds life and document it. (At 10 years old that might take after school involvement etc..?)

 

Keep a parenting journal. Turn the time/date stamp on for your camera. Start preparing to show that you're a true parent.

 

Please, tell people here more about the custody case as it develops. This is a complicated late game situation that I have no experience to offer for with a single child of a much younger age, but I could hope there are others here who have more sophisticated ideas.

.

[road]

UPDATE

 

 

ok so I checked the phone records and ran into some text record

 

 

She's been texting a male co worker every minute everyday since December 1

 

So I guess that's the missing piece

 

Confronted her at first she said it was a female

 

I called the number it's a male, confronted her again she said she needed someone to talk too and had no one that it's just a friend.

 

So what do you guys think, I kicked her out the house she got clothes and left

 

I actually feel good, feel like this clears everything from me, funny how she says that talking to him wasn't the cause for our disconnect that she's been unhappy and I told her but if you weren't having an affair we could of fixed the issues but since now you have a new boyfriend I don't matter, she insist it's just a friend but they text a whole lot like insane month of January 509 text

 

 

What's you guys think

 

 

 

 

She is having an affair.

 

 

You have to decide if you want to divorce or save your marriage. Two totally different advice you will need so decide and tell us what do you want to do.

[oldshirt]

Yep that is the missing piece. Now you know.

 

 

Take this over to the infidelity section and get a game plan for where to go from here.

[danny11]

She insist it's a friend and says she just needed time away from me

 

The situation is out of my hands I'm gonna do no contact just as needed for my daughter

 

I have no intention on saving the marriage since I didn't create this mess

 

 

I just hate how now she points out a lot of negative stuff about our marriage to justify her actions, it doesn't sound like she's willing to work on or marriage

 

All she says is IM NOT IN LOVE WITH NO ONE I would want us to make this work but I need some time away from you for a bit

 

 

I don't know what to think and at the same time not giving it much thought I'm just moving forward with my plans

 

Discovering her text didn't change nothing I didn't get sad I didn't cry it was just fuel to my fire and more energy to move forward.

 

Now is this an affair I would say so it's just to many text to be just friends she told me she is going threw a lot and I have a lot of friends and family to talk to while she has no one and she just needed someone she can talk to.

 

I guess it could be valid but a man?

 

I'm just sick of her honestly she hasn't showed me any care since November and little by little I emotionally disconnected to the point where I feel a little resentment and maybe bitter and betrayed, do I sill love her? Maybe underneath all these bad emotions but I don't feel

Love right now? Is this normal? Will I wake up one day and think damn I love her? Or am I done emotionally? I guess it's a good thing if I'm moving forward.

[kgcolonel]

Have you asked her to show you the texts....tell her that if this isn't a physical affair (PA) she should have no problem proving it, at any rate, I would catagorize this as an emotional affair....(EA).

 

BTW...where did she go when you kicked her out?

[danny11]

Have you asked her to show you the texts....tell her that if this isn't a physical affair (PA) she should have no problem proving it, at any rate, I would catagorize this as an emotional affair....(EA).

 

BTW...where did she go when you kicked her out?

 

 

 

She went to her moms, now didn't get around to asking her to show me the phone I just kicked her out told her everything makes sense now.

 

She didn't seem too upset just like with no strength we both are tired we been fighting for over 2 months already almost everyday things are just to toxic

 

As far as the affair or friend I don't even care there's so much drama I don't feel the pain at least not yet I feel a relieve.

 

The only thing I'm upset about is my daughter having to go threw this but hey it wasn't my doing and even if I made mistakes I was still willing to work on the marriage but how much can a person take.

 

All in all right now I just feel

Overwhelmed, moving packing finding a home signing up my daughter for school feels like a lot.

 

Very confused emotionally is maybe where I'm at and tired and that's where I feel she's at we're both extremely tired.

 

And of course she reached out to someone else for support what ever it is I think it bad wether a friend or not but its out of my control that's her problem

Not mine

[dreamingoftigers]

If it was appropriate communication she would have lied about the "friend" being female.

[kgcolonel]

If it was appropriate communication she would have lied about the "friend" being female.

 

Do you mean she wouldnt have lied about the friend being female?

[danny11]

Packing today and I get waves of the thought of those text, it feels strange how do I know if I still love her or if I'm just upset about the situation..

 

 

It's strange to me never have I been threw a break up this is my first serious break up in my whole life wow

 

A lot of mixed emotions

 

 

My daughter text her and asked her why did this happen

 

What happen to our happy family

 

The wife said me and daddy are not happy together

 

Mommy needs some time apart for daddy right now

 

 

The wife told me last night via text that I should let the text situation

go because it's absolutely nothing

 

Then she said this

 

I would want to make this work with us

 

I just need to be away from you for a bit

 

 

WHAT DO I MAKE IF THIS

 

Why is she still throwing hope to this pile of nonsense ??

[kgcolonel]

I think at this point I would throw myself completely to enriching my time with the daughter and myself....If she decides to do the "heavy lifting" whatever that may be, then address it otherwise, focus on you two.....

 

By that time, you may have already decided to move on and start anew...don't give her breadcrumbs or any commitment as to what you're going to do. Don't tell her you'll wait and anything like that, just do you until you decide which options left to you are the most desirable.