compulsivedancer Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 For a variety of reasons, my ex and I have never made our divorce official, though we've been separated about 16 months. My boyfriend moved in with me in January, and I found out recently that I'm pregnant (about 8 weeks). It is totally possible for me to do a divorce by affidavit in about one month. I called today to ask a question about the paperwork that states my ex is not the baby's father - and discovered that I have to wait until after birth to get divorced. What kind of idiotic rule is that!? If all three of us know it's my boyfriends' and no one is contesting it, why the hell can't we get the divorce!? So now my married name will be on the child's birth certificate. I'm tempted to just not check the box that says "pregnant," take care of the divorce now, and do the not-the-daddy paperwork after the baby is born. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I'm tempted to just not check the box that says "pregnant," take care of the divorce now, and do the not-the-daddy paperwork after the baby is born. I would too.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 A lawyer told you that? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 compulsive, CONGRATULATIONS! i remember your story and i am SO happy for you!!! congratulations, sweetheart! i wish you and your little family all the best and i wish you blissfull and healthy pregnancy. on topic -- i do have a question... if you check the NOT pregnant box and divorce in about a month or so... and THEN marry your partner - will you still have to prove paternity or does your partner (and possible husband) get automatically recognized as the child's father? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) Wow!!! Having followed your story for so many years, it's hard to believe so much has happened in relatively so little time. It is encouraging, actually. Does compulsivemusician know? I assume he does since you said all parties agree. However it works out, you will have the family you have wanted. I wish you happiness Edited February 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Change your name by deed poll? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Did you ask a lawyer about this, and if there's any way around it? It does indeed seem like an idiotic rule. Change your name by deed poll? If there's no way around it, I second this idea. It's very simple to change your name, whether you're married or not. There's actually no such thing as a "deed poll", anyone who sells you one is simply selling you a piece of paper saying that your name is changed... but it can make some things easier. All you have to do to change your name "officially" is to tell people that you've changed your name. But a "deed poll" (even though it's not "legally binding") can be useful for changing your passport, drivers license, etc since they tend to accept them, even though any muppet on the internet can set up a deed poll printing service. Once you've got one official document changed, you can use that to change the others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 Thank you all for the well-wishes! I haven't consulted a lawyer yet. I was planning to do the divorce without a lawyer, since it's very uncomplicated. The difficult part is the real estate plan, and we're actually doing that after the divorce through a real estate lawyer, instead. However, with this complication, I'm not sure. Any child born within 300 days of a divorce is presumed to be the ex's. I'm not sure how it would work if you remarried right after, but we haven't quite gotten there, so that's moot for now. Yes, CM is aware of this. He actually said he's not surprised, since it is one of my main dreams. I'm thinking if we do the paternity paperwork after the fact, it might cost a little extra, but it would be worth it. Not only do you have to wait until it's born, but you have to wait another 180 days or so, so the earliest I could get a divorce would be over a year from now. That's not really fair to any of us, and I know my ex's girlfriend is not happy that he's still married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 What if your ex were to file against you? I'm pretty sure your pregnancy couldn't prevent that going through. Definitely consult a lawyer, I'm sure there's a way around this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 A lawyer told you that? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Realized I didn't answer this. The county clerk told me this. She asked the judge. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I also think the father of the baby gets added to the divorce as a third party if it's the state I think it is... I would file the divorce and not check the box.. Do you have to wait a year before the divorce can be granted, I know in my state we are a 31 days divorce state but in the state above me you have to be separated for one year first 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 I also think the father of the baby gets added to the divorce as a third party if it's the state I think it is... I would file the divorce and not check the box.. That's what I'm thinking. If I do that, I'm wondering if I can just put my boyfriend's name on the birth certificate, or will I also need to turn around and file the paperwork once the baby is born and has a social security number? Do you have to wait a year before the divorce can be granted, I know in my state we are a 31 days divorce state but in the state above me you have to be separated for one year first In the county I'm filing in, you turn in the papers and they schedule a hearing. If nothing changes, you can submit a follow-up 30 days later. A judge then looks at it, and if he's okay with it, he cancels the hearing and grants a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I've got no advice. I just want to add my congrats and best wishes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) I was separated, but not divorced, for over a year when my son was born. Since I didn't have the money to file before his birth. My exH's name went on the birth certificate originally. When I found out I could do my own divorce, I asked the clerk and was told to add to my paperwork that DS, name and birthdate, was not issue of the marriage. Once the divorce was final, 3 months after filing, and the fact that DS was not issue of the marriage was on record and part of the divorce orders, I was able to fill out the Affidavit of Parentage and have the birth record ammended. I went to court to help a friend with her divorce recently and a couple ahead of her case had the same problem, only they were divorcing while the wife was still pregnant with her AP's child. The hearing was set so that they could inform the judge of the paternity and ask that the divorce be finalized and the paperwork include that the child is not issue of the marriage and is, in fact, the child of XX.The whole thing took about 20 minutes and was done. Definitely further investigate. It's entirely possible you can get before a judge and have everything made right before the baby is born. You could also just not check the pregnant box and get the divorce done before the birth, not tell the hospital staff you were married and divorced less than 300 days ago, and just have your baby's father there to do the birth record paperwork. Of course, if you plan on marrying your baby's father, you could get the divorce done before the birth and be married by the time baby makes it's appearance. Edited February 26, 2016 by MJJean 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 That's what I'm thinking. If I do that, I'm wondering if I can just put my boyfriend's name on the birth certificate, or will I also need to turn around and file the paperwork once the baby is born and has a social security number? Well, I was not married to an ex, but my "husband" and I are technically not married. We are one of those "practically married" people. You can see in my location what state I am in. My SO's name is on the birth certificate and my daughter has his last name (I am still going by my maiden name). The day after my daughter was born a social worker came in and gave us paperwork for the birth certificate as well as an affidavit that my SO and I had to sign. It basically said that he is acknowledging he is the father. Had we not signed the affidavit if something were to happen to us then he would have no rights to our daughter, and we would have to do the whole paternity thing. I would imagine (or hope) your state has set up something similar. Good luck!! Congrats with your pregnancy!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I would file the divorce and not check the box.. Personally I would not lie on a legal document. Even if you can claim ignorance "I didn't know I was pregnant honest judge"... still... it's lying on a legal document which is perjury and could come back to bite you in the ass. I would consult a lawyer and get it done above board. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Filed at the beginning of March. I'll be officially divorced in a couple of weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) [] CM and I separated in Oct. 2014. We were not initially sure whether we were done, but we had made that decision by the end of 2014, and both agreed that we could date other people, while we worked on finalizing our divorce. Due to some difficulties with our house, it took a long time for us to figure out how to get the divorce worked out, which is why I'm just now finalizing it. But both of us have been in long-term relationships with other people since March of 2015. Both of our partners are aware of our legally married status. (I told my boyfriend on my first date. Incidentally, though he and his ex had been separated for well over a year, his divorce was not finalized until about 6 months after we started dating, due to working out a custody agreement with his ex). My ex and I are on good terms, and while I'm sure it's bittersweet, he is happy for me that I have the life I was looking for, and he is doing pretty well on his goals in life, too. His girlfriend will be moving in with him here in the next month or two. Except in the most legalistic sense, my current boyfriend is NOT an OM. He is the one and only man I am with, despite my legal status. As far as all three of us are concerned (four, if you include CM's girlfriend), the marriage is over, and we would have been divorced a long time ago if we could have figured out how to make it go faster. Edited March 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator response to deleted post redacted; background information retained for context ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 we would have been divorced a long time ago if we could have figured out how to make it go faster. How did you do it in the end? There were quite a few different suggestions on this thread, just wondering which route you took to get the divorce filed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 How did you do it in the end? There were quite a few different suggestions on this thread, just wondering which route you took to get the divorce filed. I didn't check the box. Both my ex and my boyfriend were okay with it, and it was really important to me. I'm only 10 weeks along, so it's not obvious or anything. If I have to do more paperwork after the fact, I will. I know it might sound silly, but it was really important to me not to be married to someone else when I give birth to my boyfriend's baby. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I know it might sound silly, but it was really important to me not to be married to someone else when I give birth to my boyfriend's baby. That doesn't sound silly at all to me. I'm sure your BF feels the same, I certainly would if I were him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I would too.... Me too. Fully agree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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