lilyrocks9956 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) So my biological parents divorced when I was a baby due to my bio. dad cheating on my mom. As soon as she found a love letter from my now ex step-mom, she showed him and took off in her car with my brother and I, immediately filing for legal separation then eventually divorce. Fast forward a few years later she met my now step-dad. He was a wonderful guy from Australia and he helped my mom in so many ways with helping with money, being there for her, etc.. He proposed and they got married in Dec. of 2001. Another fifteen years pass, my mom is having marriage problems again. The good thing is my step-dad hasn't cheated but he's become this really anti-social grouchy man who can be really scary at times. I love him and I've called him dad rather than by his name (so does my brother), and he's been there for us and I'm grateful for that. He tends to get really angry and yell.... my friends don't like coming over because of it. He and my mom are always arguing over money and he sometimes takes stuff out on my brother and I. He's even grabbed my face before and told me to die (granted he was talking about a video game but my mom says that doesn't matter and he shouldn't have said that). He's made me cry on several occasions and it's really been depressing. My mom is torn between whether she wants to stay married or not and feels unhappy. I hate seeing her like this and I feel like half the time it's because of me since I always go to her whenever my step-dad and I get heated. Any advice please? She's already threatened divorce and now of course he's on good behavior because he doesn't want to. I'm mixed about the situation. It's like relief and sadness if he were to go if that makes any sense I know I was a baby but I've already been through a divorce once before with my biological father and it hurts.. I hope you guys don't think I'm wanting attention or pity. It's not like that. I just need advice on how to deal with my mom and step-dad fighting and facing another possible divorce. My mom says as long as he keeps the good attitude she'll give him a chance so they haven't gotten any papers yet but he's hot and cold so I wonder how long it'll last before she's done completely and decides to contact an attorney Edited February 25, 2016 by lilyrocks9956 Link to post Share on other sites
MissCongeniality Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 So my biological parents divorced when I was a baby due to my bio. dad cheating on my mom. As soon as she found a love letter from my now ex step-mom, she showed him and took off in her car with my brother and I, immediately filing for legal separation then eventually divorce. Fast forward a few years later she met my now step-dad. He was a wonderful guy from Australia and he helped my mom in so many ways with helping with money, being there for her, etc.. He proposed and they got married in Dec. of 2001. Well that sounds almost like a romance novel. Another fifteen years pass, my mom is having marriage problems again. The good thing is my step-dad hasn't cheated but he's become this really anti-social grouchy man who can be really scary at times. I love him and I've called him dad rather than by his name (so does my brother), and he's been there for us and I'm grateful for that. He tends to get really angry and yell.... my friends don't like coming over because of it. He and my mom are always arguing over money and he sometimes takes stuff out on my brother and I. He's even grabbed my face before and told me to die (granted he was talking about a video game but my mom says that doesn't matter and he shouldn't have said that). He's made me cry on several occasions and it's really been depressing. My mom is torn between whether she wants to stay married or not and feels unhappy. I hate seeing her like this and I feel like half the time it's because of me since I always go to her whenever my step-dad and I get heated. Your mom should throw him out of the house and change the locks. Let me explain how your step dad thinks. You are an object to him. In his mind he may like you more than the family dog but not more than his own car. In his mind your not a person just property. Now he may care about 'property' most people do like their things. However that doesn't mean he'd care if... well imagine you own a vase or pretty antique. Naturally you love the antique and take care of it but if it smashes and can't be fixed what happens? You sweep it up throw it out and get a newer one. Any advice please? She's already threatened divorce and now of course he's on good behavior because he doesn't want to. I'm mixed about the situation. It's like relief and sadness if he were to go if that makes any sense Let the divorce happen. Do you know how lucky you are to have a mother who looks out for her kids? I hope you guys don't think I'm wanting attention or pity. It's not like that. I just need advice on how to deal with my mom and step-dad fighting and facing another possible divorce. My mom says as long as he keeps the good attitude she'll give him a chance so they haven't gotten any papers yet but he's hot and cold so I wonder how long it'll last before she's done completely and decides to contact an attorney Let me explain something to you he could take months or years to snap again and then you know what happens your mom will give him a second chance. It doesn't even have to be physical do you get that? He could wear your mom down emotionally if he hasn't already and by then she's his bitch and you'll never get away from him. I know I probably sound like a bitch right now but the last thing you want is for this cycle to continue. You need to get away from him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyrocks9956 Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) Well that sounds almost like a romance novel. Your mom should throw him out of the house and change the locks. Let me explain how your step dad thinks. You are an object to him. In his mind he may like you more than the family dog but not more than his own car. In his mind your not a person just property. Now he may care about 'property' most people do like their things. However that doesn't mean he'd care if... well imagine you own a vase or pretty antique. Naturally you love the antique and take care of it but if it smashes and can't be fixed what happens? You sweep it up throw it out and get a newer one. Let the divorce happen. Do you know how lucky you are to have a mother who looks out for her kids? Let me explain something to you he could take months or years to snap again and then you know what happens your mom will give him a second chance. It doesn't even have to be physical do you get that? He could wear your mom down emotionally if he hasn't already and by then she's his bitch and you'll never get away from him. I know I probably sound like a bitch right now but the last thing you want is for this cycle to continue. You need to get away from him. I don't think you're being a bitch. I agree that she probably does need to divorce him considering the situation (my brother and sister in law even leave for multiple nights sometimes just to get away from our step-dad and I admit I wish I could leave... they're currently fixing up a trailer that was passed down to them and moving out) but I can't tell her what to do. The problem is she's a stay at home mom and he takes care of all the money, meaning she'll have to get a job and pay off a lot of joint debts and secure a house and car before she could file for divorce. The thing that scares me is within that time he'll try to convince her to stay and like you said boom she decides not to divorce. My brother and I have both told her how we feel when she asked us how we feel about a divorce and really I guess it just depends on when she decides she can't do it anymore no matter what. Edited February 26, 2016 by lilyrocks9956 Link to post Share on other sites
MissCongeniality Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) I don't think you're being a bitch. I agree that she probably does need to divorce him considering the situation (my brother and sister in law even leave for multiple nights sometimes just to get away from our step-dad and I admit I wish I could leave... they're currently fixing up a trailer that was passed down to them and moving out) but I can't tell her what to do. The problem is she's a stay at home mom and he takes care of all the money, meaning she'll have to get a job and pay off a lot of joint debts and secure a house and car before she could file for divorce. The thing that scares me is within that time he'll try to convince her to stay and like you said boom she decides not to divorce. My brother and I have both told her how we feel when she asked us how we feel about a divorce and really I guess it just depends on when she decides she can't do it anymore no matter what. You should at the least get out. Your mom needs time away from him time to make a plan to leave. Also with the right lawyer and defense/evidence your mom can divorce him and not have to pay a dime. I recommend going on Amazon and purchasing some reading material on leaving abusive marriages. Edited February 26, 2016 by MissCongeniality 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyrocks9956 Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) You should at the least get out. Your mom needs time away from him time to make a plan to leave. Also with the right lawyer and defense/evidence your mom can divorce him and not have to pay a dime. I recommend going on Amazon and purchasing some reading material on leaving abusive marriages. That is some good advice. I'll definitely bring that up at the appropriate time, also I'm not sure if you misunderstood but he doesn't hit her or anything they just get into bad arguments and he can get verbally very angry. We are wanting to move at some point this year due to other reasons and he's not been very cooperative (lack of effort, trying to stall, etc.) that's been putting a strain on the marriage as well, she's even talked about if he doesn't cooperate we're going without him. Edited February 26, 2016 by lilyrocks9956 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 That is some good advice. I'll definitely bring that up at the appropriate time, also I'm not sure if you misunderstood but he doesn't hit her or anything they just get into bad arguments and he can get verbally very angry. We are wanting to move at some point this year due to other reasons and he's not been very cooperative (lack of effort, trying to stall, etc.) that's been putting a strain on the marriage as well, she's even talked about if he doesn't cooperate we're going without him. Please understand that verbal and psychological abuse can be very, very damaging. It's sounds like your mother is suffering the effects of this now by staying and expressing fear over finances. Your brother is learning how to manipulate, control and abuse a woman and you're learning to put up with abuse in order to be a kept woman!! Your mum needs to find a way to support herself and you and your brother and start teaching you by example how to stand up to emotional bullies like this by walking away and refusing to put up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 This is a long shot, but I'll throw it out there anyway - did your step dad make a gradual change over the years? Or was he a great guy for most of it then made a rapid change? If it's the latter, your mom should take him to a doctor and rule out any medical issues before she seeks divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 It's not up to you whether she divorces him and she shouldn't leave it up to you either. Since he was good for a long time and now he's gotten angry, it could be anything, from him being depressed or stressed about his job or money to he and your mom just don't have the same relationship they once did. You can't fix any of this. It's not you. Since he was good for a long time, I think they should go to marriage counseling before calling it quits. Maybe family counseling to include the kids. You might bring that up with your mom or your dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Op, I sense your quandry. You are the young adult split in two by this parental discord. I feel for you. Can a family meeting be called? Perhaps going out for a walk... and allow each person to air this concern. Its so challenging when financial matters seem to supercede the greatest values... family and amicable living. Your step dad sounds like he is at wits end on this...can you offer to help out in some ways? Maybe offer to do some chores that your parents normally attend to. Tell them to set a date night, and you'll tend to the home. Sometimes they just need to rekindle what created their marriage vows... Again, sorry that your caught in the cross fire... I'm sure this is a bump in the road and not a slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
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