Am I wrong to worry about my partner's ex of 30 years ago?

[girlygo]

For the last 8 months or so I had noticed a change in my boyfriend's behaviour. He was spending more and more time on Facebook, seemingly a bit more distant and well, just different from the person I know and love. He also spent a night, two separate times, away for work but had his phone switched off overnight.

 

A couple of months ago he forgot to log out of his Facebook account and I found a string of messages to his ex girlfriend, who he went out with 30 years ago for just 3 years but was besotted with her at the time because her parents stopped her from seeing him (he was a bit of a 'one' so to speak). Normally I wouldn't think anything of it but it turns out she divorced from her husband of 18 years (after an affair on both sides) two years ago, she is also a recovering alcoholic and is now wanting to split up with her latest partner. She is friends with my boyfriend on Facebook and they have exchanged numbers and from the messages, he has been talking to her frequently. She has also said that she has only ever loved two men in her life (my boyfriend and this other man) and the messages are too personal to be just casual.

 

I asked my boyfriend about her and he has denied speaking or messaging her, announcing that he only made friends with her because another of his friends had put her in touch. I don't understand why he is lying, but months later they are still in contact, bringing up stories of when they were together and her even saying that she thinks she has fallen in love with him again. I'm not sure whether this is just all online but I'm suspicious that they might have met up. He has also said that the woman is a ridiculous drunk, and he never speaks to her or has anything to do with her but, after spotting a number he'd rang a few times at odd times late at night I put it in Facebook and low and behold, her profile came up in the search results

 

My friend has now asked me to accompany her on a one week holiday abroad in 2 weeks because her friend has dropped out at the last minute. I would love to go normally but I am terrified that my boyfriend will cheat whilst I'm away as I have become so unconfident, worried and fearful of what he might do. Things have not been going great but if I go away I won't enjoy the holiday. I've said I will go but I know when I tell my boyfriend he'll be secretly disappointed that I'm going. I'm scared that he wants to be with his ex as I don't understand why he's keeping her a secret and lying about her if it's all innocent. If I mention her ever he just gets angry. What should I do? Stay at home at a vulnerable time in our relationship or just go on holiday even though I will not enjoy it and will constantly be worrying and wishing I could check up on what he's doing?

[PegNosePete]

Your boyfriend is certainly cheating. Whether it's emotional or physical cheating, I don't know. But certainly if he had opportunity to physically cheat I am sure he would've taken / will take it. As you say, if it's all innocent, why lie and cover it up?

 

If the relationship is relatively young (say under 2 years) then I would simply dump him. But if it's a long relationship that you want to save, then I would say there's 2 plans of action here.

 

1) Tell him you're going on holiday with your friend, then monitor his FB and phone messages, and see what he says to her. I'm sure they will make plans to meet and you can rest assured they won't be playing scrabble. You can also increase your surveillance: a VAR velcro'd under his car seat usually works wonders (cheaters almost always talk in their car). This will give you the "evidence" you need to confront him.

 

2) Confront him with what you have, which is not a lot but if you throw in a boat-load of self-confidence you can get the upper hand. Tell him you KNOW what is going on and if he doesn't come clean about EVERYTHING, you will dump him right now and never take him back. Tell him this is his ONE AND ONLY chance to save the relationship by being totally honest. No matter what he says, he will lie lie lie but you must stick to your guns until you get the truth. He will probably ask how you know, just say it's not relevant how you found out, you just know, so he might as well admit the truth. Don't let him turn it into an invasion of privacy issue. Keep the subject on what he's done/doing wrong. Then he will probably try to trickle-truth you, say that yeah he's talking to her but nothing bad, etc. He will reveal a few small details at a time, trying to get away with as little as possible. This is the point where you have to bluff and tell him you KNOW there is more to it than that. If you have nerves of steel then you can get the truth this way but you have to be prepared to say "you're dumped, get out" if he doesn't confess EVERYTHING.

[girlygo]

What's a VAR? We've been together for 7 years but we broke up once before 7 years ago for a year, when I strongly suspected he had cheated on me. It is strange why you would keep in touch with someone that you haven't been out with for years and if she was such a useless drunk, why would he keep in touch? I feel as though he is playing it down and exaggerating how 'bad' she is. When I'd pushed him further he said that she hasn't got anybody to turn to and he was just giving advice, that he was showing compassion which he said I don't seem to have! I said 'that's not my problem, what about me, your girlfriend'? I'm sure she has her family - I can't even believe that he could say that.

[clia]

Regardless of what he's doing, you are apparently in a relationship where you can't leave town for one week without worrying he's going to cheat on you. That sounds pretty miserable to me. Why are you staying in this relationship when the level of trust is so low?

[smackie9]

Girlygo you need to communicate with your BF with what you know, and express your concern about the content on those messages and his behavior. Make is very real for him that he needs to see how inappropriate this is, and how it is jeopardizing your relationship. If he doesn't get it straight, you will be going straight out the door.

 

If you don't step up, he will continue to step out.

[SunnyWeather]

I asked my boyfriend about her and he has denied speaking or messaging her, announcing that he only made friends with her because another of his friends had put her in touch. I don't understand why he is lying,...

 

the fact is, he is lying to you. how can you trust him?

 

without trust and respect, the relationship is doomed. whether you go on this trip or not doesn't matter, he is already cheating. I say stop putting your life on hold to figure out what HE'S going to do, and figure out what YOU are going to do. Do you want a man who is treating you like this? Don't you deserve to be in a relationship where both mutually respect and honor each other? If he wants her, let him have her. pfffft

 

Taking this trip might be a good way to get some space and signal the first phase of doing a 180

[d0nnivain]

Go on the trip with your friend. You can't save this relationship by watching your BF like a hawk. You already know he's lying to you. You need to come clean about what you read on FB & how upset it made you. See what he does.

 

the trip will either be a great test or it will distract you in the immediate aftermath of your break up. Either way it's a trip you need to take.

[pteromom]

He's acting differently toward you.

He lied about messaging with her.

She states she might be falling in love with him in a message (which indicates that there is more intimacy going on between them than what you are seeing.)

 

He's already cheating - at least emotionally. So not going on your trip isn't going to change anything.

 

You know what I would do?

 

I would go on your trip, and leave a voice-activated recorder in his car. When you get back, you'll be able to hear any calls he made to her, whether she was with him, etc.

 

Then you will have the evidence to confront him.