Husband cheated - now won't let me see his phone [UPDATE]

[Popsicle]

Why is he waiting for 3 weeks from now? What's so special about then?

[smackie9]

Pack your bags and go home to mother.

[Ms. Faust]

The WHOLE relationship sounds toxic.

 

She admitted her husband was both verbally and physically abusive. Do you blame that on her then too?

 

 

Each partner has a part to play and must take responsibility for their own actions. Something neither of them are doing.

 

Dollars to donuts this is one of those relationships where they are both abusing each other physically, mentally, emotionally. Especially with alcohol involved.

[sandylee1]

Why on earth would you reconcile with a man who put you through what he did. His actions last year are far worse than cheating. He accused you of harming your children. ... he had you arrested... you couldn't see your son at school performances.....NO APOLOGY would see me back with a man like him.

 

Why do you think this marriage is worth it? Love isn't enough. If he loved you.. HE WOULD NEVER have done what he did. His cheating is a drop in the ocean quite frankly.

 

Leave him. He's not a good man. A good father would not put his children's mother through what he put you through. Don't you have family or friends to make you see logically?

 

I find this terribly upsetting.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I guess it's hard to judge based on just one side of the story. I sometimes told him to 'get it elsewhere' because I was so hurt at the events of last year. I didn't see my kids properly for 5 months. It was at the point of me seeing them in a contact centre for two hours a week. I was a good mother but with my own issues. I never harmed them, I loved them and they loved me. I was devastated that he said otherwise just because I left him. He also lied and said I was stalking him just because I emailed and begged to see the boys. I was heartbroken. But he lied and said I threatened to have someone beat him up (I never did that!) when I only went to his office to try to sort things out. I spent two nights in a police cell on suicide watch and was dragged through courts in handcuffs in front of my mother who was crying. The case was dropped and my husband has apologised but I'm still so upset and feel like I'm traumatised from last year. Yes I slept with two other guys but I barely remember either because I was so drunk - I didn't want to live anymore if I didn't have my sons. I walked through town and remember some men taking me into a taxi. The next day I woke up not knowing what happened and I ran away. The other guy was a school friend. I only met him for comfort as I had no one. It was nice to talk about school and when we were kids, when I was happy. Again I drowned my sorrows so much with him that I slept with him and I don't remember. I'm not drinking anymore and attending AA. I'm just so devastated by this. I thought things were better. I pushed my husband away sexually through nothing but hurt on a few ocassions. But I also bought lots of sexy outfits and toys and dressed up for him, which he loved. I know I kept drinking and needed help but I'm just so upset at what he did and I don't know how to get over it. I thought we had fallen in love again and that it must be strong if we could do that after everything. This has just knocked me for six and I don't know what to do and don't want to talk to anyone because it's humiliating. Just looking for advice x

 

Advice? First address your alcoholism.....many of your issues...are a direct result of your drinking. I am willing to bet...that your separation and incarceration...and restricted visits with your children...were all a direct result of drinking. He had to have some kind of grounds to pursue his claims.

 

You basically gave up on the marriage and so did he. You are abusive, untrustworthy, and toxic...not only for each other...but for those kids.

 

As for advice for this marriage...easy. Divorce. Get a good lawyer...get yourself into therapy and stop drinking. Hopefully...the two of you can be civil and put the needs of the children first.

 

I am an advocate for reconciliation....but there has to be a relationship to reconcile....and quite honestly....you don't have one. There is no love, no respect, no trust, nothing.

 

I wish you the best....and I hope you take a deep and honest look at yourself and get the help you need to fix you. I won't get into trashing your husband....quite honestly...he isn't here...we don't know his side....and at this point what he does outside of your marriage...it is irrelevant.

[RRM321]

....and I hope you take a deep and honest look at yourself and get the help you need to fix you. I won't get into trashing your husband....quite honestly...he isn't here...we don't know his side....and at this point what he does outside of your marriage...it is irrelevant.

 

I tend to believe that often, it's the victim of abuse who looks like the crazy one. After years of being turned inside out and upside down how could they not? Alcoholism, addiction, depression, anxiety, and even suicide can all be reactions and escapes.

 

This is why I wouldn't cut the husband any slack - he quite possibly fits a ready profile of men who leave destruction in their wake, while easily stepping out of the wreckage in a nicely pressed suit.

 

A bedroom for two at the office... who does that?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh trust me... I am not cutting him any slack... It just wouldn't do anybody any good to criticize him. He isn't here to read it... So it doesnt matter. I could say all kinds of things about him. I just don't see the point. She is the one here reaching out for help and advice.

 

Please don't think I am taking his side against hers...

Because I am not. There is plenty of blame to go around in this relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry Mariam

 

My husband trainwrecked and said awful things about me so as not to look like "the bad guy" after we had already separated.

 

The allegations were enough to have my daughter temporarily removed from my care when she was just two.

 

He wasn't expecting that to happen. He wanted a better shot at custody and figured that by making me seem "kinda bad" that maybe I wouldn't be given sole custody and he could share custody. (Because frankly he was really really frigging stupid about the whole thing.) He really didn't expect BOTH of us to temporarily lose custody.

 

I was actually given an apology on behalf of the government for the circumstance (there were some definite problems wuth the handling of the case) and they gave her back earlier than the temporary guardianship order was up.

 

I don't talk about it very much as it was deeply wounding and humiliating. Plus so many would assume I "must have been" abusive or neglectful to my daughter which wasn't the case at all. I deeply love her and always cared for her very well. I fought like a demon to get her back ASAP. I made it more than a full-time job and retained a $300/hr lawyer. At the time I worked as a cleaner.

 

Ditch the alcohol. So fast. Don't look back.

That was a major asset to me in my custody fight was that I didn't drink AT ALL and had never done a hard drug in my life (I smoked pot a couple of times 15 years prior to having my child....). So when they tested my hair and found......nothing, it went a long long way to getting her back. As well, I went and got it done myself instead of waiting for them to enforce the request. Best $200 I ever spent.

 

My husband rescinded his statements as well, but by then it was far too late. Ugh. Even starting to crawl through these memories is highly triggering.

 

The only good thing that came from the situation was that it was a very real wakeup call for him. His daughter meant the world to him.

 

I totally understand the other men. And the alcohol.

The day after my daughter was seized, I woke up with a splitting headache that didn't go away for a week. If it wasn't for the sliver of hope that I would get her back, I would have travelled down many dark roads I am sure.

But one thing pulled me through: they could never take away the fact that I was her mother. They could take her away but in every way I focused on being her mother. If they would have taken her permanently, and restricted all contact with her, I would have dedicated my life to improving the world she was going to grow up in. They could rip apart my character, they could put my child through trauma and into a foster home, they could disrupt my employment and I could go bankrupt laying legal fees but they could never, ever take the fact that I was her mother. In fact, at the time there was a serious problem with children dying in foster care in this province (if you can believe that!). I decided if something like that happened I would spend the rest of my life helping other children in my daughter's memory.

 

To have your children taken is horrendous (if it isn't deserved).

 

As for your husband: what do you need to do to get your children from him?

 

Because if what you are saying is 100%, that is a serious thing.

 

Russian chick be damned, she's the tip of the iceberg.

[S2B]

I see you're going to AA. Good for you. Do all your step work and face your fears and become the woman you were meant to be - unaltered.

 

Do that first and see how things go from there.

 

Without being altered you may get a clear idea of what's best for you. See a trauma counselor if you can to sift through that pain that caused you to drink.

[Mariam78]

I found out last week that my husband had cheated on me. He had sex several times with a young woman in the bedroom in the offices that he owns. She is much younger than me. After telling me how much he loved me on Valentine's Day, he spent the following night with this girl at his office. He told me that they had gone for dinner, talked for 8 hours, drank wine, danced and had lots of sex. At the time however, he told me was going to the spa then going to bed early. I'm distraught and can't even get out of bed today.

 

The problem is, although he says he is really sorry, I have asked to be allowed to look at his phone because I need total transparency now. But he says no and gets angry. He used to keep it on the bedside table at night but now hides it. He says it's because - even though there is nothing to find - I'll read one tiny little thing and make something out of nothing. He also says he has blocked her number but if I see her number I'll contact her.

 

I just feel that after such a betrayal I need him to show me everything so I can trust him again. But he won't do it.

 

Also, he met this girl at a coffee shop beside his offices. He goes there to have meetings with his staff and it sounds like he spends most of his day there. He knows all the staff, gets free coffee and I think he likes everyone knowing him there. However, not only did he meet the girl he has sex with there, he also met another girl there who he told me he wanted to have sex with. I saw texts where he tells her she is perfect for him and how he couldn't wait to see her.

 

I've asked him to go to a different coffee shop because it upsets me that he came on to other women there and they'd know to go back there to find him. He said ok. But the very next day I went to town to surprise him - spent ages getting ready - and he was sitting in the same coffee shop again.

 

So I just want to know:

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to let me see his phone, bank statements etc?

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to stop going to the coffee shop where he met other women?

 

Thank you.

[elaine567]

I thought his plan was to leave you in three weeks, is that cancelled or is it still ongoing?

[PegNosePete]

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to let me see his phone, bank statements etc?

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to stop going to the coffee shop where he met other women?

Unreasonable? No. Madder than a box of frogs? Yes.

 

This kind of thing should be an instant deal-breaker to any kind of reconciliation. Tell him he had a chance to be a decent husband but he's blown it and now you're going to divorce him and it's too late to stop you.

[SSJROMANCE]

Let me get this straight. He cheats on you, lies to you more than once and hides his phone. All major red flags.

 

Brace yourself because you will not like what I have to tell you. If he has nothing to hide and felt remorseful for what he has done he would be HANDING the phone to you and trying to prove himself innocent. These are NOT the actions of an innocent man. I don't know all the facts but what your husband has giving you is the trickle truth. Has told you enough to try and make this go away. I suspect that your husband is a serial cheater and that this girl is NOT the only girl he has cheated on you with as evident in his other text messages. I suspect he has been cheating on you for quite some time and it's so addicting to him he cannot control himself nor want to lose control over the situation.

 

As in other post one lady asks what should I think about a man who has been with 100 women. This is what what you should think. Once a player always a player. I don't know anything about his past but I would be willing to bet the house that your man has always been a player.

 

I'm sorry but I think the more you dig into this the more you will find the truth. Don't let him get away with the trickle truth. Dig and dig and dig until he comes completely clean. This man has A LOT of skeletons in his closet. I think the marriage is over - I don't know if he ever loved you or respected you. Go see a lawyer ASAP and get out.

 

FYI - you are NOT being unreasonable and in fact you have let him off EASY. Find the truth or he will continue what he has been doing for what I suspect is for years.

[Space Ritual]

I found out last week that my husband had cheated on me. He had sex several times with a young woman in the bedroom in the offices that he owns. She is much younger than me. After telling me how much he loved me on Valentine's Day, he spent the following night with this girl at his office. He told me that they had gone for dinner, talked for 8 hours, drank wine, danced and had lots of sex. At the time however, he told me was going to the spa then going to bed early. I'm distraught and can't even get out of bed today.

 

The problem is, although he says he is really sorry, I have asked to be allowed to look at his phone because I need total transparency now. But he says no and gets angry. He used to keep it on the bedside table at night but now hides it. He says it's because - even though there is nothing to find - I'll read one tiny little thing and make something out of nothing. He also says he has blocked her number but if I see her number I'll contact her.

 

I just feel that after such a betrayal I need him to show me everything so I can trust him again. But he won't do it.

 

Also, he met this girl at a coffee shop beside his offices. He goes there to have meetings with his staff and it sounds like he spends most of his day there. He knows all the staff, gets free coffee and I think he likes everyone knowing him there. However, not only did he meet the girl he has sex with there, he also met another girl there who he told me he wanted to have sex with. I saw texts where he tells her she is perfect for him and how he couldn't wait to see her.

 

I've asked him to go to a different coffee shop because it upsets me that he came on to other women there and they'd know to go back there to find him. He said ok. But the very next day I went to town to surprise him - spent ages getting ready - and he was sitting in the same coffee shop again.

 

So I just want to know:

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to let me see his phone, bank statements etc?

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to stop going to the coffee shop where he met other women?

 

Thank you.

 

No you are not being unreasonable at all.

 

Given what you have written, you obviously have a remorseless husband who has little to no respect for you at all. And he will either flat out refuse, or Trickle Truth you and drive you crazy.

 

Cheating is bad enough, but not even caring to offer you transparency after discovery is indeed foul.

 

I think what you need to do is decide how much this you can accept. I doubt you can accept much of it, nor should you. So call his bluff and see an attorney and file for divorce. This husband of yours needs a dose of reality and there is nothing that says reality like filing for a divorce. Hell have him served at the Coffee Shop! He'll crap his knickers.

[Emilia]

I am very sorry that you are going through this trauma. It must be devastating. I think that you can't trust this man and that you need to end your marriage.

[Emilia]

I have just seen your other thread. He has abused you, you need counselling to work out why you allow yourself to get into situations like this

[Mrs. John Adams]

Time for you to take back your power. Get out of that bed and take control of your own destiny. You now call the shots.

 

No transparency? No phone? No remorse? No contact?....No marriage.

 

See a lawyer....find out your rights and proceed to serve him papers. You can ALWAYS change your mind....but he needs a good dose of his own medicine.

 

He took all control from you...he has been cheating...and now he is throwing it in your face.

 

Saying I am sorry...is not remorse. Remorse means taking ACTION. It means PROVING that you are sorry to the one betrayed. It means doing EVERYTHING you can to make them feel safe. It means Transparency...with EVERYTHING...phones, computers, passwords, schedules. It means no contact of any kind with affair partners.

 

I am truly sorry that you have to endure this.

[Dancewithme]

I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds excruciating. Why do you need to see his phone, there's nothing else to know. You already know he is a liar, a cheater, and is acting shady as hell right now. He obviously is up to no good.

 

So now, it's all on you. What are you willing to put up with? Life is too short to be disrespected, lied to and cheated on. Why should you have to play detective to your husband when he's told you himself what he's been up to?

 

I agree with the poster who told you to divorce this man, and have him served at the coffee shop.

[Dreamworld]

I am so sorry you are going through such pain.

Trust me, I know how you feel, as I was married to a man who acted much like your husband.

 

And no I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He cheated and if he is truly sorry and wants your trust back he needs to be completely transparent and he is not doing that at all. From what I can feel from your post, if it is not this girl, it will be someone else this time, and so on and so forth. And he doesnt even seem to care that you know.

 

I haven't read your other posts but I am angered at how disrespectful he is being to you. How can he just talk about wanting to have sex with another woman and then keep going to a place where he will see her all the time? It is like he is rubbing his affairs in your face because he knows you are not going to leave him or do anything drastic.

 

The cheating is one thing, but the way he is treating you about it bothers me more. He has no respect for you. I think you need to walk away. That would be the most respectful thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am so sorry you are going through such pain.

Trust me, I know how you feel, as I was married to a man who acted much like your husband.

 

And no I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He cheated and if he is truly sorry and wants your trust back he needs to be completely transparent and he is not doing that at all. From what I can feel from your post, if it is not this girl, it will be someone else this time, and so on and so forth. And he doesnt even seem to care that you know.

 

I haven't read your other posts but I am angered at how disrespectful he is being to you. How can he just talk about wanting to have sex with another woman and then keep going to a place where he will see her all the time? It is like he is rubbing his affairs in your face because he knows you are not going to leave him or do anything drastic.

 

The cheating is one thing, but the way he is treating you about it bothers me more. He has no respect for you. I think you need to walk away. That would be the most respectful thing.

 

I encourage you to do so.

 

Of course, OP does not deserve to be cheated on and disrespected like this. Not at all. But it's safe to say there is a lot of drama and betrayal on both sides.

 

OP, please leave this man. Your marriage is toxic to you both, and to your children. You and those children deserve a lot more peace and happiness in your life.

[smackie9]

Unfortunately his abuse has given you no strength to leave. I agree you need to go to counseling to sort out your situation in your head so you will have the ability to get you and your children out of this toxic relationship.

 

Trust me on this, your husband has a problem that he won't address, so that being said, he will just go out of his way to cover his tracks. He can simply get a second phone, another FB account, a new email address, and will find other women to have sex with when he goes to a new coffee shop to have his meetings. He isn't going to stop just because you found out. Like I said he has a problem, his problem is he only cares about himself.

[Liam1]

I

So I just want to know:

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to let me see his phone, bank statements etc?

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to stop going to the coffee shop where he met other women?

 

Thank you.

 

No. Absolutely not, you are not being unreasonable in any of your requests.

[William]

One of our moderators merged content relevant to a current thread by this thread starter so background material should be in place here to assist in providing comprehensive advice. We did some editing to add paragraphs for clarity. Please continue the discussion here. Thanks!

[Amy4663]

Hi Miriam 78 ,

I am so sorry you are going through this... you sound like a wonderful woman/wife and you definitely deserve happiness and peace of mind. Have you considered getting some counseling? If not for both of you, maybe you can go alone. This way you have someone in your corner who can provide you with the support you need. I know it can be expensive, but many local churches offer free counseling so that might be a good place to start as well. You are an extremely strong woman to be going through this and I will be praying for you!

[Mariam78]

Hi everyone,

 

Will try to keep it brief.

My husband cheated on me this year. He slept with a younger women a few times in his offices - he is self employed. He confessed to this when I found messages on his phone to a different woman telling her how cute and smart she was and how he couldn't wait to see her. Since then I have found several comments to other women on Instagram where he says things like 'very sexy', 'beautiful', 'where do you live?' etc. I have created a couple of fake accounts on Instagram and used photographs of women I know he'd find attractive. He has come on to these fake women and asked one to come and work for him and be his girlfriend - claiming that he split from me a year ago because 'something was missing'. He kept saying he had stopped doing these things but I kept catching him out. He would always ask to speak to women on whatsapp. This morning I asked if he'd quickly show me his whatsapp - just to reassure me. He said 'yeah I'll show you downstairs in a minute' I said 'can you just show me now? Why do I have to go downstairs and then you show me when you come down?' He refused to let me see anything claiming I'd take things the wrong way and make a fuss about nothing. Prior to his cheating we both let the other one know our passcodes. He changed his passcode when he started cheating in February and has never let me know it since then. I'm devastated and feel suicidal from everything that's happened in the last two years. I love him but I can't go on if he's refusing to show me anything. I need reassurance that he's stopped but he refuses and gets angry at me. I get really upset then he says he's going to block me on his phone and he won't come home and stays at his office. It's ruining my life to the point where I don't want to go on anymore.