Husband cheated - now won't let me see his phone [UPDATE]

[Expectmore]

Mariam

First let me say hello and that you have reached out as a step in the right direction.

As a husband that has not cheated but but knows what its like to be cheated on I understand. I personally closed all my social media out of respect for my wife. I have no reason to hide my phone or email passwords.

My wife on the otherhand is not the same and it causes issues and temptation for her. If she wanders again I will be forced to leave her.

You must realize you Value and know that this is his problem. You can't change the way he thinks.

Only he can do that if he knows whats right and how good it feels not to hide anything.

 

You have everything to live for.. There are really good people in this world if you give them a chance to help you.

The people here at love shack are helpful and honest. We have all been through something or we wouldn't be here.

I don't know you but I care and wish you the best. You will find that most everyone here will give you hope and support to be able to love your self and know you are valuable and someone will love you the way you deserve.

[Mariam78]

Thank you very much for your kind words.

[Expectmore]

I know its hard when you just want to love some one and have them love you back but they put more energy into hiding there activity than just talking with you about what they feel they are missing.

[Raena]

I'm sorry he is doing this to you. True reconciliation after cheating involves transparency, openly discussing your concerns and therapy. He isn't doing that for you and it's not ok. To me it seems that your only option at this point is to walk away. If he isn't going to give you what you need to show that he's 100% in the marriage then why stay? You deserve better than that.

[What-2-Do]

First of all start here: Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

 

 

Your husband is still cheating and/or planning on it. He won't show you his phone because he's hiding things from you. It's time to move on because this man will never fulfill your needs again.

[BaileyB]

This man can't be trusted... You need to make your peace with the fact that he has cheated, is demonstrating behaviors that indicate he would like to cheat again, and the trust is gone from the relationship. If you stay with him and it happens again, you can't say that you didn't see it coming...

 

I would suggest that you seek support if you are really struggling. No man or no relationship is worth your life, of even your happiness such that you are not able to find joy in your own life with or without him. Good luck to you.

[MJJean]

He cheated on you physically at least once that you know of.

 

He goes online and has inappropriate interactions with other women.

 

He lies like a rug.

 

So, your husband is a liar and a serial cheater and you are just standing there, taking it. You aren't going to get reassurance he's stopped because he hasn't. Your options are to accept he cheats and turn a blind eye or leave.

[elaine567]

Since then I have found several comments to other women on Instagram where he says things like 'very sexy', 'beautiful', 'where do you live?' etc. I have created a couple of fake accounts on Instagram and used photographs of women I know he'd find attractive. He has come on to these fake women and asked one to come and work for him and be his girlfriend - claiming that he split from me a year ago because 'something was missing'. He kept saying he had stopped doing these things but I kept catching him out. He would always ask to speak to women on whatsapp. .

 

I am sorry but why are you still hanging on in there, how much evidence do you really need?

YOUR husband is not marriage material, probably never was.

He is what is known as a cake eater, he has you at home and gets his joliies elsewhere.

If you are suicidal get help ASAP, but this man is not worth ending your life over. YOU are worth more than this, plenty men out there would not do any of the stuff that this man has done to you.

He is no big deal - just get rid.

How can you love a man who thinks this little of you?

Walk away.

Enlist the help of friends and relatives and get yourself away and out of this situation, you will feel better as the "issues" that are crowding you will be less intense.

Start looking around you and appreciate life. Learn how to self soothe.

I know he is the centre of your world at the moment, but he doesn't deserve to be there. Start looking after YOU.

 

Self-Soothing and the Senses

 

Self-soothing usually takes place through the senses of sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste, as well as the kinesthetic sense (the sense of movement and body position that controls physical activities). Enjoyable sensory experiences signal the brain that there’s no emergency and that everything’s going to be okay. Here are some examples of how to self-soothe through each of the senses:

 

Sight: Go to a pretty spot in nature or a local park. Look at photos of beautiful art or go to a museum to see it. Buy or pick some flowers and put them where you will see them. Watch a video of lovely nature scenery. Color in a coloring book (a mandala coloring book is a good option for adults).

Sound: Listen to calming music. Listen to ocean or other nature sounds. Sing or hum a soothing song. Listen to a cat purr. Go outside and notice the birds chirping. Beat rhythmically on a drum.

Smell: Light a scented candle. Sniff some essential oil or perfume. Try a calming scent like lavender, orange, or bergamot. Cook a fragrant meal or bake something yummy.

Touch: Take a warm bath or shower. Wear soft, comfortable clothes. Pet a (willing) animal. Snuggle in a soft blanket. Use a heated shoulder wrap. Go outside and feel the breeze on your skin.

Taste: Sip herbal tea, such as chamomile. Drink hot cocoa. Suck on a lollipop or mint. Savor a piece of chocolate. Enjoy a delicious meal.

Kinesthetic: Rock in a rocking chair. Go for a gentle stroll. Play with a fidget toy. Dance or sway to calming music. Do some stretches. Toss or bounce a ball.

You have to experiment to find which self-soothing activities work best for you. Everyone’s different – and what’s soothing to one person might be unpleasant or irritating to another. But generally speaking things that are soothing are warm, dark, quiet, mellow, sweet, soft, rhythmic, or cuddly.

[sandylee1]

I think counselling would help you to find the strength to move forward.

 

He's still cheating

He doesn't respect you

He'll keep doing this until you stop accepting it

He'll keep it, unless he faces any consequences

 

 

Prepare for a life without him and start instigating the 180.

 

You can't control others, .only yourself. Start knowing your worth and stand up for yourself.

 

If you mentally detach from him, you'll stop giving a damn whatever he's up to.

 

I suspect if you discussed seperation, he'd go into panic mode.

 

Did you get any help following his affair? Like marriage counseling.

 

Did he understand how devastated you were?

Because if he really did, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing.

 

He's basically trawling for new women right under your nose.

 

Can you go away for a few days. Get some space away from him. Because he knows you fear life without him. Show him you can do just fine.

 

You'll find the 180 in this list of FAQs

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Frequently Asked Questions for the Betrayed Spouse

[Friskyone4u]

Mariam,

 

The first non negotiable demands for you to be making for any thought of reconciliation are

(1) complete and total verifiable no contact

(2) total transparency of everything electronic he owns

 

There is absolutely no reason that he should not be begging you to give him the gift of another chance. Instead, he is basically telling byou that he has the right to do anything he wants and it is none of your business.

 

You need to see an attorney and I would let him know you are doing that. That make make him decide his marriage is more important than his secret phone life.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know you feel terrible. Yes he is still cheating and is not going to stop. You have to get yourself together and leave him for your own sanity. No man is worth what he's putting you through. Also I see from your other thread he has hit you. It is time to go.

Edited November 28, 2016 by stillafool

[dreamingoftigers]

I suggest checking out chumplady (Google it)

 

She also has a book called Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.

 

There isn't something "missing" in your relationship besides a decent husband.

 

I don't think you would ever put your husband through this ver "something missing."

 

What a load of crap.

 

If there was "something missing" the mature and decent thing to do is figure out what that is and come to YOU with that information.

 

And of course you are suicidal after all of this and of course he's dismissing it. Because that's the kind of piece of work he is. Completely ignorant of others suffering.

 

I am not actually suggesting this, but I would have curb-stomped his phone just because he's such a jerk.

[dreamingoftigers]

I left my husband on Feb 28th this year. Our marriage was horrible. He had joined several dating sites, asked women to meet him, hit me and would allow our sons to talk badly to me. He would not leave so I had to, but I didn't take our sons because they went to school locally, he was a good father to them and I said I would still collect them from school everyday, make their meals, do homework etc.

 

I'd just return to my parents afterward to avoid arguing with my husband. However, when I left, my husband had an 'anti molestation' order taken out against me. This meant that I could not go back to the family home to collect any belongings, nor see my children unsupervised. I have NEVER harmed my children in any way. After that it was weeks before I saw them again. My husband would not allow me to see them or even speak to them on Mother's Day. I wasn't allowed to go to their school sports day or their Easter show where my 5 year old boy spoke on stage.

 

I eventually saw my boys for just three hours on a Sunday - 'supervised' at the home of my in-laws. I called and emailed my husband every day, crying and begging to see my children more often. He asked me to only contact him through a solicitor. But I asked why and continued to beg to see them. Days later, the police arrived at my parents home where I was staying, took me to the police station, questioned me and then arrested me because my husband had said I was stalking him and that he felt 'fear and alarm'. He lied and said I had threatened to have someone attack him. I was in shock and said I had only been begging to see my sons, was never nasty, threatening etc and in most correspondence I had wished my husband nothing but the best.

 

The policewoman agreed but said that because my husband said he felt 'fear and alarm' they had to arrest me. I spent two nights in prison. My husband had taken my children, lied about me and had me jailed and prosecuted. Last month, he got back in touch and said he was sorry, he loved me and wanted us to get back together. He acknowledged his lies and treatment. I said no but he kept telling me how much of a mistake it had all been, he was angry at me for leaving him etc, he'd changed, his business had gone bust and he only cared about me.

 

I know he was, and is, genuine, but I can't stop thing about what he put me through. I was suicidal when I thought he'd taken my boys forever. I love him and want to put it behind us, but it was such an awful series of things that he did and I'm struggling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Oh my God!

 

Just stop!

 

There is no conversation you could have with this guy that will make him consider you one iota.

 

Staying in this relationship is just shopping for trauma.

[Robert]

Note from moderation: we've merged a new thread with older ones for context.

 

~6

 

[PegNosePete]

It's ruining my life

No. At this point, you are the only one ruining your own life.

 

You let him get away with it in August 2015.

You let him get away with it in Feb 2016.

And you're letting him get away with it in Nov 2016.

 

You keep letting him get away with it, yet you think it's his fault that you're in pain?

 

You need to follow the advice you were given in Aug 2015 and Feb 2016. Dump this lying cheater and never look back.

 

Otherwise you'll be back here in Feb 2017 or June 2018 with exactly the same story, over and over again.

[anika99]

Oh my God!

 

Just stop!

 

There is no conversation you could have with this guy that will make him consider you one iota.

 

Staying in this relationship is just shopping for trauma.

 

agree so much. This guy isn't just an unremorseful cheater, he is cruel and bordering on psycho. Any man who would put his wife and children through that cannot be redeemed. Please plan to leave this marriage ASAP but take your kids with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's ruining my life to the point where I don't want to go on anymore.

 

I'm hoping you mean you don't want to go on with the marriage any longer.

 

No. At this point, you are the only one ruining your own life.

 

You let him get away with it in August 2015.

You let him get away with it in Feb 2016.

And you're letting him get away with it in Nov 2016.

 

 

Amen.

 

Mariam78, let's say someone knocks on my door and, upon my answering, punches me square in the face. Next day, another knock and still somewhat in disbelief, I open the door to another punch. Third day, another knock.

 

Would you recommend I answer the door?

 

Please start thinking about yourself and what a healthy future looks like. Hope you keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

Mariam, I get that it's scary but you NEED to find some supports and legal representation.

 

This man will stop at nothing to destroy you from the inside-out to keep acting on his dark impulses.

 

He will threaten, lie, cheat and not give two craps unless it effects HIM negatively.

 

You need to be able to reframe him as not being in control of you, but as a child trying to gain control by throwing tanrums, biding and sneaking and yelling and screaming. If that fails, he lies and lies and lies like a brat.

[WilyWill]

I can't even read this stuff. Your husband is an evil, sick freak who has no business being married to anyone. He's incapable of empathy, decency or anything that doesn't serve his own interests.

 

Get a lawyer, get out. Protect yourself and kids from this monster.

[sandylee1]

Why on earth did you get back with him after all the lies he told to the point that you were arrested?

 

Cheating is the least of what you've had to deal with.

 

Now you have a criminal record and you had to have supervised visits with your kids, when he's the abuser.

 

Forget his women and his phone and leave him. Until you do, you will be in a cycle of abuse and mistreatment.

 

He doesn't respect you and he doesn't want your sons to respect you either.

 

He's a horrible man.

[merrmeade]

Two nights in jail? He twisted everything to use the judicial system against you, used his children to manipulate you, then recanted and no one knows this but you?

 

Lady, you need help learning to protect yourself. You need proof of his lies to show others. Why haven't you recorded any of these confessions of his?

 

Agree with others that the dysfunctions in your relationship and each of your worst behaviors are being reinforced and enabled by the other partner. Get help understanding this and protecting yourself. You did not deserve to be made a criminal and kept from your kids.

[spanz1]

ya know, those Iphones are very fragile. One careless bump and they fall on the floor glass side down and shatter! just sayin..be careful with it!

[oldshirt]

Your husband is a bad person and he does bad things as a lifestyle choice.

 

You cannot have a healthy, happy marriage with someone like that. Talking about it and venting about it will not change anything. Your options are either live with the abuse knowing that you will always be cheated on and mistreated.

 

Or get away.

 

He will not change. he is rotten to the core and will always be.

[Married1988]

If I were you I would have left a long time ago. It's hard enough to reconcile with a remorseful spouse. It appears your spouse just doesn't care or respect you. You don't deserve what this man has put you through.