Ask a BP\BPDer

[Summer3]

You seem to know a thing or two, any ideas for natural pain killers that actually work for moderate to severe pain?

 

It sounds like you have a lot of medical conditions and a proper doctor is important.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

My question:

 

What advice would you have for anyone hoping to maintain a close relationship (friendly, professional, familial or romantic) with someone with BPD?

 

Boundaries

 

In all cases you will have to maintain strong and clear boundaries. I hate to say this, but in the case of romance I would avoid unless already involved. The problem is that there is only so much you can do given the fact that it is impossible to always please a BPDer. You can truly mean well and it be grossly miss understood by the BPDer thus leading to a fight you never meant to start.

 

Self control

 

People with BPD can render a perfectly normal person insane in a number of minutes. I laugh to myself as I recall numerous occasions where I talked my wife around to my side, only to have her wheel around on me later in the day. You see many BPD people draw a unique skill from there tendency to mirror. They will sometimes sense something you don't even know about and rip it to the surface for you. I have done this with devastating affect. Our sensitivity also allows us to pinpoint the most lethal means of attack. No one is immune to such precise needling.

 

For example, here is a list of people I have personally caused to go full on mouth foam. (I mean literally)

 

2 judges

a preacher

more police officers than I will ever recall

Same goes for correctional officers

Probation officers

And the coup de grace

A full bird colonel that had never been seen flustered...

 

 

 

Just be very careful. I say again, I would avoid a BPDer as a potential partner due to the web of eccentricities that you will have to expertly navigate. Self control is super important as you may at some point be tempted to give them a taste of their own medicine. I would not advise that by the way. Conviction changes everything. You may want to make a point, but a BPDer preparing to actually get physical truly believes their crazy view is in the right. Intense emotions create a kind of wild strength that is best unprovoked. Trust me, a guy tried to "handle" me once when I flipped out. I weigh about 150 now and then. He weighed about 230 or so. He wrapped me up to pile drive me and I actually managed to reverse it by lifting him all the way up and drop him backwards on his head. He got a trip to the ER, I got an ego boost...

 

JUST BE CAREFUL, seriously I worry about people messing with someone like me, or rather like I used to be. God bless.

 

Yay, time to clean house, don't sound so scary now do I

[Otter2569]

My ExGF and love of my life has BPD, depression and maybe a few other things. It was the best and worst experience of my life. I am angry, sad and hurt beyond belief. I am also relieved and thankful to have her out of my life.

 

It feels like a curse to have the only woman I truly ever loved become a destructive monster. In order to save myself I finally got out but there isn't a day that goes by where I don think of how amazingly wonderful and completely toxic she was.

[dreamingoftigers]

My question:

 

What advice would you have for anyone hoping to maintain a close relationship (friendly, professional, familial or romantic) with someone with BPD?

 

Well, ......RUN!

 

Short of that, the books "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Sometimes I Act Crazy" give a better picture of the disease and what loved ones can do.

 

Join a support group too.

 

To be frank, I can tell from a mile away if someone has BPD, with BPD your instincts get razor-sharp at sensing insecurities etc.

 

The number one thing I notice with a fellow BPDer is that emotionally I feel "swirled around" inside after talking to them for even just a few short minutes.

 

I think that many average folks feel attracted to that energy, and it sucks them in. Perhaps for awhile the BPD person makes you feel "very alive" or heroic of sorts.

 

For me, I realized exactly what she was quickly. She had the worst case of it I had ever seen. Instead of being drawn in, I didn't want to wake up the parts of my brain that could recall and perceive the level of suffering I used to go through. I haven't emotionally flooded in over half of a decade. I have no desire to. It can be very very painful.

 

So instead my guard went right up. And she kept asking me why I was being rude to her. I wasn't actually being rude at all, and recognized the suggestion of this was to get me to soften to her. I knew exactly what it was: she couldn't get a "read" on me. And to a BPD person, it is a deeply personal rejection to not have someone be like an open book to you.

 

I just explained to her that therapy makes me a little unreadable or unemotional seeming. After that she very much warmed up to me. After she left my home, to go back to her abusive relationship, my husband was quite effected. He said she very much reminded him of his biological mother. Which was interesting because he met me when I was a complete disaster. The BPD and depression was the worst it ever was, and here he was, attracted to me

[Emilia]

Whenever I feel that someone is trying to seep through my boundaries, my shield goes up and I take a couple of steps back. I'm not saying it's necesserily BPD, I can just feel as if that person is trying to get through or something. To my knowledge they haven't succeeded for a while, it doesn't upset me I just walk away.

 

My ex gets in touch every now and then. I've been trying to cut him out of my life in the past two years and finally may have succeeded. I gather he has lost friends, he lost his last job for doing something impulsive and stupid. It took me 4 days of fighting to shake him off but I think he's gone for real this time.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I am glad I started this thread. It seems to be helping people to at least sate some of their curiosity. I am also very very pleased that things have been nice and peaceful...

 

Of course I do have to admit that I kinda started the stink myself last time around, lol. Maybe after three years of intense mental training I am finally able to be an adult about these things.

 

A very smart regular told me to focus on helping others when I could. I am quickly coming to see that helping people IS my therapy. Its funny I've always been so selfish and focused on myself.

 

I am trying to see good as an energy that travels all the world over. If I can add more positive energy to the world I have done good, whether it benefits me or not.

 

The funny thing is that I am starting to see benefits I did not expect. I guess you just cannot out give God, he's stubborn that way

[ChickiePops]

I started out with a similar set of views myself a long time ago. The journey to now is something that I honestly believe could only have been orchestrated by a wise and understanding God. If any of the elements of my life had been a little different I do not know if I would have arrived here.

 

If it's not your thing I understand, but if you are not opposed to it praying can help. I believe in a God who believes in me. He left me to make my own choices, but I always went the other way. He patiently left the way open for me every time and tried to coax me over. It took a long time for me to see a pattern in the chaos.

 

I realize that I've strayed a bit from purely academic minded solutions, but again, I believe. I cannot convince him and neither can you, but if God convinced me that his way was best he can convince him too. Any parent will tell you that when your child desperately needs something, they will move almost any mountain to obtain it. God feels the same. So implore him to work on your ex with all his wisdom and a universe of tools at his disposal.

 

Above all else! Be safe. You cannot save everyone. Trust me, a thousand thoughts are behind those words, sometimes you can't even save one...

 

Do not give up on yourself though. We all have souls that are made to intertwine. There is another out there whose soul can meld with your own. You'll never find that someone though if you are not looking.

 

A cube can be a square if your just looking for a square. By simply changing our perspective a little we see a new depth to the picture. I have encouraged my wife to find love and I suggest you do as well... When you are healthy and ready.

 

Just do me a favor okay, do not be a sacrificial lamb, your ex is described as having some very dangerous traits. My parents taught me that mental health disorders were 99 percent BS. I believed this even after years of being consumed by my illnesses.

 

I am worried for you as you seem very depleted. That and I know full well what one of "us" can do to a person.

 

He is an atheist and so am I. So the prayer thing is out..no offense.

 

I have already given up on myself. I have no idea how to come back from that.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

He is an atheist and so am I. So the prayer thing is out..no offense.

 

I have already given up on myself. I have no idea how to come back from that.

 

None taken. It is worthy of note that I was an atheist too. In fact I set out on a "quest" of sorts in order to find proof that God was a lie. It turns out that it does not work that way. Funny thing is, the more I dug, the more I found myself doubting my convictions.

 

Not to push, but do a little research on these.

 

A fountain was found dedicated to Pontius Pilot, carbon dated to match biblical timeline.

 

Look into original translations or the bible. As in Hebrew or Ancient Aramiach (spelling may be wrong).

 

The bible states that the earth has been remade before, so it is verrry old. Oddly enough the moon is not. It was stated in the bible that new lights were hung. Sure enough the amount of cosmic dust the moon has accumulated since its creation matches a biblical timeline.

Check into the first lunar landings they expected several feet of dust, like about a billion or two years worth.... They found about 3 inches, making the first burn down unnecessarily long.

 

Also consider the fact that among all religions, Christianity has been attacked more than any other, possibly indicative of an active enemy in the background.

 

It is possibly of the most importance in this matter to simply consider what we are capable of. With enough time we can create entire worlds. While it is not legal, we have the ability to produce AI. Plunk an AI entity into a man made construct and simply leave it be. Boom, congratulations you just created sentience and a world for it to live in...

 

Most people have trouble believing we are all that there is in the universe, but the idea that another being existed first and surpassed our current abilities is unthinkable... When it is possible in our time to create an entire world, how can we instantly dismiss that we were created in this same manner?

 

Just some food for thought, again I'm not trying to push.

 

Oh and BTW...

 

DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF

 

I believe you can rise up from this. And that is not even putting God in it, that's just what I believe.

 

Good luck and I'm here a lot, feel free to PM me, I don't want to see even one more lost to us. Sadness has taken many, it is high time to fight it!

[Emilia]

He is an atheist and so am I. So the prayer thing is out..no offense.

 

I have already given up on myself. I have no idea how to come back from that.

 

Why? Why do his challenges cause this in you?

[dreamingoftigers]

He is an atheist and so am I. So the prayer thing is out..no offense.

 

I have already given up on myself. I have no idea how to come back from that.

 

Perhaps a reading from "The Brain That Changes Itself" would be more appropriate.

My husband appreciated that book very much. He felt very hopeless against his addction(s). That and The Flip Side were pretty decent literature.

[ChickiePops]

Why? Why do his challenges cause this in you?

 

My mom attempted suicide multiple times before she died. I suppose my illogical, emotional child side believes that I wasn't important enough for her to want to live for. I couldn't help her and I couldn't help him either. I wasn't important enough to him.

 

My head knows that's stupid but my heart hasn't caught up yet.

[unevenXchange]

Hello all and thanks OP for your transparency,

 

How long does it take to be officially diagnosed as BP?

[ChickiePops]

I have zero interest in anything religious. Never have, never will. That will not change. Just for the record. If I was though, I'd be Jewish. I was Bat Mitzvahed but I haven't been to temple since my moms funeral.

Edited March 4, 2016 by ChickiePops

[anika99]

As another BPD sufferer I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

 

I do not have Bipolar etc. But have been treated for BPD, later re-evaluated and then told I no longer have enough of the traits to be considered BPD. (Thank you treatment)

 

I cannot answer to the meds, as I do not take any currently and have only been prescribed Dexedrine for ADD-like symptoms (focus etc). For a brief period I was given Wellbutrin to deal with a low-grade depression, but that seemed to turn me into a raging lunatic. So I had to stop it after less than six weeks.

 

Demonizing spouse: prior to treatment, I did see him (and previous relationships) as being somehow able to "take it" from me. As in, if I did something awful or brought them to tears, it was "okay" because they should be able to see I was "distressed." But if they did something to distress me it was because they were truly, awful as Hell people that had no care or consideration for me and deserved whatever they got. Not rational.

 

As for whether the triggers were "set" or "random" is almost abstract. You see, to the one in active BPD, the triggers are perfectly logical and rational. In fact "how can you not see this would trigger me?"

 

It could be something as simple as hearing a "tone" or seeing an "expression" that isn't necessarily even present. Because if I feel it is, than it MUST BE. It is hard to really articulate beyond that. Emotions fly around constantly and define reality. So if I am feeling sad, this means something sad happened. If I am happy in your presence, it must be because you are wonderful, magical, amazing in every aspect. Until you aren't. And since my frontal lobes are out of sync (and I don't know it until I have EMDR therapy) I cannot see you as any more than these two points. You are an animal viciously attacking me and wounding me or you are my Savior making me feel so special because you are so amazing, nothing could ever come between us. And because I am BPD with a massive abandonment trigger, I can't stand you leaving either way.....

 

Now, post-treatment, I have a tendency to take things more personally than the average person..

For instance tonight, husband says to me "I don't know why people drink from two straws at once, it only gives you a bunch of air bubbles." As I was drinking from two straws.... It hit me weird. Not as bad as the old days, but I heard that sting of "I'm being attacked." He saw it too. He said right after, "I wasn't aiming at you but I just don't understand the two straws thing, it was just something to say." I said "I know. I do." It was odd because I haven't had a "hit by the pitch moment" in awhile.

 

Wow this is a great thread and it has brought so many memories of life with my BPD partner. DOT I really recognized my ex in your post and I'm wondering if you or the OP could give your feedback.

 

My partner also seemed to view the people close to him as either all good or all bad, depending on what he was feeling in the moment. I cycled through these 2 extremes with him over and over again throughout the duration of our relationship. One day I would be the bested greatest person he ever met and the next I might be biggest most evil b*tch in the entire universe all because of something as inane as I expressed an opinion that didn't agree with his or I wanted to spend some time alone reading a book. It was madness to me and sometimes I felt like I was going mad.

 

I used to always question his ability to love. After he had spent himself, verbally and emotionally attacking me until I was practically in a heap on the floor, he would become filled with remorse and swear to the heavens that he loved me like he had never loved another. I knew he had remorse, I could see the torment in his face but I just couldn't understand how he could say he loved me, partially because I didn't see how a person could deliberately deeply wound someone they claimed to love but also because of this extreme splitting. People were always way up on his pedestal or nothing more than scum on his shoes. I would think he doesn't even see people for who they really are. He imagines who they are based on whatever he's feeling. He assigns traits and qualities to people according to his emotions. I would think he can't possibly love me because he doesn't even see me, he just projects onto me. I don't know how to explain what I'm saying but I guess I always wondered and still wonder to this day if a person with BPD can really love anyone truly? Sometimes I think yes and sometimes I think how? How can they love when they are so engulfed in their irrational thinking that they can't even decide if the person they love is good or bad? Can someone explain this?

 

P.S I speak about this partner in the past tense because he died 4 yrs ago but I still love him and miss him every day.

[Emilia]

My mom attempted suicide multiple times before she died. I suppose my illogical, emotional child side believes that I wasn't important enough for her to want to live for. I couldn't help her and I couldn't help him either. I wasn't important enough to him.

 

My head knows that's stupid but my heart hasn't caught up yet.

 

I am very sorry to hear this, I can't even imagine what that must be like. I had a very suicidal father who when he used to drink would talk about killing himself - but that got better.

 

I was trying to work out where your codependent tendencies come from and this is the answer. The reason you feel the way you do is - like most of us here - you have trouble with boundaries. You don't know when to pull back and think the other person is leaning on you too much, hurting you too much, crossing the line too much. You need to learn to appreciate that your mum or your fiance are separate people whose traits, mistakes, problems and self-esteem have nothing to do with you.

 

People deserve autonomy. This isn't about helping. Help when it crosses boundaries is damaging, it does the opposite because it's like pulling a rug from under another person's feet. My sister is in a co-dependent relationship and I can see how that has taken her boyfriend's confidence away. My sister is a caring person but she has become like a mum to him, he is 40 and incapable of making decisions for himself. This is because my sister's codependent control has taken that away from him over the years. She means well but she doesn't respect his boundaries.

 

Caretaking is about control. If you were brought up in a family when another person's pain dominated, you need to learn how to say stop to others' pain being loaded onto you.

 

Being treated badly because the other person is in pain is not acceptable.

 

This is a very important point to get right if you want to get better, this is how I climbed out of the dysfunctional mess created by my upbringing originally. My sister has no hope in hell right now, she isn't pulling herself out of the fog.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Emilia

[ChickiePops]

I am very sorry to hear this, I can't even imagine what that must be like. I had a very suicidal father who when he used to drink would talk about killing himself - but that got better.

 

I was trying to work out where your codependent tendencies come from and this is the answer. The reason you feel the way you do is - like most of us here - you have trouble with boundaries. You don't know when to pull back and think the other person is leaning on you too much, hurting you too much, crossing the line too much. You need to learn to appreciate that your mum or your fiance are separate people whose traits, mistakes, problems and self-esteem have nothing to do with you.

 

People deserve autonomy. This isn't about helping. Help when it crosses boundaries is damaging, it does the opposite because it's like pulling a rug from under another person's feet. My sister is in a co-dependent relationship and I can see how that has taken her boyfriend's confidence away. My sister is a caring person but she has become like a mum to him, he is 40 and incapable of making decisions for himself. This is because my sister's codependent control has taken that away from him over the years. She means well but she doesn't respect his boundaries.

 

Caretaking is about control. If you were brought up in a family when another person's pain dominated, you need to learn how to say stop to others' pain being loaded onto you.

 

Being treated badly because the other person is in pain is not acceptable.

 

This is a very important point to get right if you want to get better, this is how I climbed out of the dysfunctional mess created by my upbringing originally. My sister has no hope in hell right now, she isn't pulling herself out of the fog.

 

Thanks Emilia. I'm sorry for your pain as well.

 

I know I need to stop seeing him. I need to scrape myself off the ground. I. Red to work off the depression weight I've gained and put myself back out there. I have dated since him but not seriously.

[Emilia]

Thanks Emilia. I'm sorry for your pain as well.

 

I know I need to stop seeing him. I need to scrape myself off the ground. I. Red to work off the depression weight I've gained and put myself back out there. I have dated since him but not seriously.

 

Don't worry about dating. The most important thing is to separate yourself from him (no contact) and work on maintaining boundaries with difficult (sorry Harmony) people. Good luck.

 

No Contact.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I just need to thank you for this thread and for your honesty. It's helpful in many ways, not the least of which is your demonstration that a person with BPD can also have self awareness.

 

A really interesting aspect of it IMO is that sensitivity, perceptive aspect that is so very highly tuned ... except almost always seems to be NOT present when it comes to the person being aware of themselves. Probably because of always being swept up in the heavy tides of their own emotion?

[bluefeather]

how interesting. thank you for coming to share, HarmonyInDisonance. Yes, I remember your post thanks to Downtown bringing up the old thread that you were active on from years back. When I came here a few months ago, it was one of the threads I learned from in trying to deal with and understand a breakup I was going through.

 

your talk on God is very interesting to me, because I used ideas on God to help stop my OCD, which I battled in secret when I was around 7. I didn't know anything about the condition, or even that it was a known condition until I learned about it when I was much older. all I knew as a child was that I had to turn on and off the lights several times before entering a room.. and many other things. then I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I was afraid. and I was afraid to tell anyone. my family was not very religious or spiritual, but I still believed and felt something else was there that I could not see. there is a lot to the process, that I haven't even thought about in many years.. damnit I have to go to work, but to sum it up, I started with asking a question to my habits that I felt were so absolutely necessary. Because there was no explanation to these habits - only an extreme necessity to do them. So the question was - "Why would God wish me to do these things?" And my answer was - "He does not." Instantly, a revelation began!

 

Ok I have to go, goodbye and thank you for posting!

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I have zero interest in anything religious. Never have, never will. That will not change. Just for the record. If I was though, I'd be Jewish. I was Bat Mitzvahed but I haven't been to temple since my moms funeral.

 

Sorry if I offended you. I was trying to offer some science to support a reality that actually offers some hope. As for myself, it is my belief, not my religion, that keeps me going. If I thought it all ended with nothing more than a long sleep I would just off myself now.

 

That being said, for you to go it without that comfort, even if I'm nuts and its all a lie, that's just impressive.

 

How the hell do you endure, when you expect only to receive death at the end of this journey.

 

I'll say this, do not get too down on yourself. You honestly seem to be much stronger than me, much like my wife. I can barely contain myself at any perceived slight and yet people like you deal with someone like me for all that time. I just don't know how you do it...

 

You certainly have my respect as a tough cookie

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Hello all and thanks OP for your transparency,

 

How long does it take to be officially diagnosed as BP?

 

Your perfectly welcome. It can take different amounts of time, mainly due to the prerequisite research that must be done on the patient. If records are readily available and the patients loved ones are honest and candid it can happen very quickly.

 

Normally the diagnosis is more about your past behavior and any patterns you've established. I mention loved ones being candid, because their perception of most "episodes" is much more reliable than that of the BPDer.

 

Which reminds me, you might insist that your spouse, parents, whomever knows you the best, come with you to see the counselor. They will likely be able to describe the splitting much better than the patient.

 

Other factors are involved, but its mainly about how long it takes to gather the necessary data on the patient's history.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I am very sorry to hear this, I can't even imagine what that must be like. I had a very suicidal father who when he used to drink would talk about killing himself - but that got better.

 

I was trying to work out where your codependent tendencies come from and this is the answer. The reason you feel the way you do is - like most of us here - you have trouble with boundaries. You don't know when to pull back and think the other person is leaning on you too much, hurting you too much, crossing the line too much. You need to learn to appreciate that your mum or your fiance are separate people whose traits, mistakes, problems and self-esteem have nothing to do with you.

 

People deserve autonomy. This isn't about helping. Help when it crosses boundaries is damaging, it does the opposite because it's like pulling a rug from under another person's feet. My sister is in a co-dependent relationship and I can see how that has taken her boyfriend's confidence away. My sister is a caring person but she has become like a mum to him, he is 40 and incapable of making decisions for himself. This is because my sister's codependent control has taken that away from him over the years. She means well but she doesn't respect his boundaries.

 

Caretaking is about control. If you were brought up in a family when another person's pain dominated, you need to learn how to say stop to others' pain being loaded onto you.

 

Being treated badly because the other person is in pain is not acceptable.

 

This is a very important point to get right if you want to get better, this is how I climbed out of the dysfunctional mess created by my upbringing originally. My sister has no hope in hell right now, she isn't pulling herself out of the fog.

 

She's right, there is literally nothing for me to add other than that I am sorry. I feel like the ******* here as I have almost put all of my children in your place. I really am sorry...

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Don't worry about dating. The most important thing is to separate yourself from him (no contact) and work on maintaining boundaries with difficult (sorry Harmony) people. Good luck.

 

No Contact.

 

I agree, not sure why your sorry though. I stated myself that she should be healthy and in the right place first, or was that someone else?

 

Ahem, well either way, she's right, if you are done, be done. BPDers that are unwilling to even begin treatment can be very dangerous. Also, you just do not deserve to suffer like that. I don't think anyone does.

[Emilia]

She's right, there is literally nothing for me to add other than that I am sorry. I feel like the ******* here as I have almost put all of my children in your place. I really am sorry...

 

There are very few things we have choices over in life I think. Everyone has their burden, mine was to be born to parents with strong alcohol issues in their background, narcissism, etc. Nothing even remotely unusual. I'm sure you do your best for the kids. Being loved is the main thing! That was what I missed growing up.

 

A vast number of people die in war, hunger, poverty, let's not forget.

[Emilia]

I agree, not sure why your sorry though. I stated myself that she should be healthy and in the right place first, or was that someone else?

 

Ahem, well either way, she's right, if you are done, be done. BPDers that are unwilling to even begin treatment can be very dangerous. Also, you just do not deserve to suffer like that. I don't think anyone does.

 

I said sorry for using the words 'difficult people'