Ask a BP\BPDer

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I just need to thank you for this thread and for your honesty. It's helpful in many ways, not the least of which is your demonstration that a person with BPD can also have self awareness.

 

A really interesting aspect of it IMO is that sensitivity, perceptive aspect that is so very highly tuned ... except almost always seems to be NOT present when it comes to the person being aware of themselves. Probably because of always being swept up in the heavy tides of their own emotion?

 

Thank you and your welcome.

 

You are on to an interesting point. I laugh at the shear irony of this fact. It always reminds me of that line in silence of the lambs when the main character says to Hannibal "why not point that high powered perception at yourself". I know now exactly why. I finally had to be honest with my self and try to imagine what other people felt because of my actions...

 

Not pretty.

 

Then I had to feel the guilt, again very ugly. Finally I had to analyze the reasons behind my actions. In short I really did wheel that laser beam around on my own mind...

 

I fell apart. I realized that I had been acting like a big child. I was so blind to the world's view of me that I just did not care about anything other than the moment. I was literally evil. Dumb enough to think the whole world was wrong, but smart enough to **** everything that moved, both literally and physically, and was doing it all for the right mixture of "feel good"...

 

Our high powered perception never turns off, but it is occasionally distorted to epic scale. We are instinctually aware I think that a monster is living inside and our drive to survive absolutely leads us to subconsciously avoid self inspection at all costs.

 

Thanks again and I hope that offers some insight.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I said sorry for using the words 'difficult people'

 

Oh my God, actually lolling...

 

Thank you for that, I take no offense at all, in fact difficult is a vast understatement.

 

Don't worry this old dog learned some new tricks, I don't get mad as easily anymore.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

how interesting. thank you for coming to share, HarmonyInDisonance. Yes, I remember your post thanks to Downtown bringing up the old thread that you were active on from years back. When I came here a few months ago, it was one of the threads I learned from in trying to deal with and understand a breakup I was going through.

 

your talk on God is very interesting to me, because I used ideas on God to help stop my OCD, which I battled in secret when I was around 7. I didn't know anything about the condition, or even that it was a known condition until I learned about it when I was much older. all I knew as a child was that I had to turn on and off the lights several times before entering a room.. and many other things. then I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I was afraid. and I was afraid to tell anyone. my family was not very religious or spiritual, but I still believed and felt something else was there that I could not see. there is a lot to the process, that I haven't even thought about in many years.. damnit I have to go to work, but to sum it up, I started with asking a question to my habits that I felt were so absolutely necessary. Because there was no explanation to these habits - only an extreme necessity to do them. So the question was - "Why would God wish me to do these things?" And my answer was - "He does not." Instantly, a revelation began!

 

Ok I have to go, goodbye and thank you for posting!

 

I am truly glad to hear that! Boy did I regret some of the things I said in that thread. If it helped even one person though the embarrassment was worth it.

 

It is funny you should mention the way God seemed to interact with you even before you understood the problem. I actually used to have episodes at night of intense anxiety. I would pray fervently and end up randomly flipping through the pages of the bible. I ALWAYS landed on s passage that applied directly. In fact, it was the only thing before medication that calmed me. It was the only way I could sleep at night for weeks straight.

 

I hate to say that I would stray far and wide after this, but I made a friend that never left my side...

 

I was in a situation once where I had to guard my life at all times. I could not let my guard down to eat or even use the bathroom. I had to shower in my shoes, and sit on the toilet with one leg out of my pants. Always ready to fight. Long story short, I ended up being overtaken by more than 20 or so people and beaten severely. I am hurting in my chest right now from my ribs being stomped in that day. I survived though. The other geeky white kid in the place had received the EXACT same treatment, but he died. I just watched, it didn't seem real.

 

BUT

 

I survived and that is not the only time my life has come to the brink. If my life was a movie, people would only call if fiction. Some how some way, a perfect way out would always present itself just before the moment of my demise.

 

Honestly I would never believe my life story. I would write a book, but the process of fact checking would probably land me in prison for the rest of my life.

 

No murder or anything sexual I assure you, but rather an accumulation of charges... Oh boy I am ate up...

 

This is why I find people like chikiepop so impressive. Whether what I felt was all me being crazy or not I honestly cannot say, but it saved me either way, so I am grateful!

[jesslindy]

I wanted to say Thank You very much for posting this thread. I have been dealing with, although unaware of exactly what for years, this very problem in my last realtionship.

 

It is refreshing to hear someone self-aware in a completely honest way about this.

 

What I find the most maddening about my situation, is that she is self-aware to a point, but will refuse to admit, even after admitting it. I'll explain.

 

1. A lie is told, usually to promote her false agenda.

2. I'm certain she knows, before it is spoken, that it is a lie.

3. I confront her about the lie.

4. She says she wasn't lying.

5. I ask a series of very easy to understand and answerable questions, akin to how I would talk to a 5 year old, and she starts to realize the lie.

6. She then states, "It's not a lie if I beleive it to be true". Or just flat out says she wasn't lying again.

 

All the while, generally speaking, saying she isn't a liar, isn't a cheater, but she does both, all the time.

 

Although my pain is bad, and my anger is worse, I feel like literaly tons weight has been lifted off of me. I was going crazy.

 

I had a headache 3-4 times a week, I haven't had NOT ONE since she left.

 

I was self-medicating with dope. It was the only way I could sleep, think clearly, be calm, not have a headache, and just generally make it through the night after work without losing it.

 

The lady who cuts my hair, who sees me 1.5 times month, doesn't know me from Adam, said to me yesterday, "You seem happier, what happened?".

 

Although I didn't see the "manic" part of this very often, it was a suddle chip away at me kind of thing for years. The discounting of me added up over time, to where I no longer cared.

 

Again, thank you very much Harmony, and everyone else. This thread is helpful. Like Downtown said once, it's very helpful to just talk about this over and over, in any forum you can, until it solidifies in your brain. I was going insane, I was not the person I really am, and my name has been be besmirched all over town. With things I've never said, never did, and was never even a part of. Its very damaging to have someone so out of touch with reality, that can just rewrite history in their favor, even minutes after it happened. All the while being surrounded by lapdogs in her friends and family that don't have the balls to tell her to her face what she is, and what she is doing, because they know exactly what will happen if they do. It's sad, and something I'm glad to be distancing myself from to be honest.

 

Thanks again. I greatly appreciate it.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I wanted to say Thank You very much for posting this thread. I have been dealing with, although unaware of exactly what for years, this very problem in my last realtionship.

 

It is refreshing to hear someone self-aware in a completely honest way about this.

 

What I find the most maddening about my situation, is that she is self-aware to a point, but will refuse to admit, even after admitting it. I'll explain.

 

1. A lie is told, usually to promote her false agenda.

2. I'm certain she knows, before it is spoken, that it is a lie.

3. I confront her about the lie.

4. She says she wasn't lying.

5. I ask a series of very easy to understand and answerable questions, akin to how I would talk to a 5 year old, and she starts to realize the lie.

6. She then states, "It's not a lie if I beleive it to be true". Or just flat out says she wasn't lying again.

 

All the while, generally speaking, saying she isn't a liar, isn't a cheater, but she does both, all the time.

 

Although my pain is bad, and my anger is worse, I feel like literaly tons weight has been lifted off of me. I was going crazy.

 

I had a headache 3-4 times a week, I haven't had NOT ONE since she left.

 

I was self-medicating with dope. It was the only way I could sleep, think clearly, be calm, not have a headache, and just generally make it through the night after work without losing it.

 

The lady who cuts my hair, who sees me 1.5 times month, doesn't know me from Adam, said to me yesterday, "You seem happier, what happened?".

 

Although I didn't see the "manic" part of this very often, it was a suddle chip away at me kind of thing for years. The discounting of me added up over time, to where I no longer cared.

 

Again, thank you very much Harmony, and everyone else. This thread is helpful. Like Downtown said once, it's very helpful to just talk about this over and over, in any forum you can, until it solidifies in your brain. I was going insane, I was not the person I really am, and my name has been be besmirched all over town. With things I've never said, never did, and was never even a part of. Its very damaging to have someone so out of touch with reality, that can just rewrite history in their favor, even minutes after it happened. All the while being surrounded by lapdogs in her friends and family that don't have the balls to tell her to her face what she is, and what she is doing, because they know exactly what will happen if they do. It's sad, and something I'm glad to be distancing myself from to be honest.

 

Thanks again. I greatly appreciate it.

 

Your welcome, and you are probably doing the right thing. If a person with BPD or BP is unwilling to even entertain the idea that they need help, then there is really nothing to be done, but wait.

 

Man, I feel like crap. Its off topic I know, but damn. 3 of 4 kids are as sick as I am right now. 1 bathroom. It is going to be a long day...

[ChickiePops]

Sorry if I offended you. I was trying to offer some science to support a reality that actually offers some hope. As for myself, it is my belief, not my religion, that keeps me going. If I thought it all ended with nothing more than a long sleep I would just off myself now.

 

That being said, for you to go it without that comfort, even if I'm nuts and its all a lie, that's just impressive.

 

How the hell do you endure, when you expect only to receive death at the end of this journey.

 

I'll say this, do not get too down on yourself. You honestly seem to be much stronger than me, much like my wife. I can barely contain myself at any perceived slight and yet people like you deal with someone like me for all that time. I just don't know how you do it...

 

You certainly have my respect as a tough cookie

 

Thanks. I know I'm tough, but I'm also numb a lot of the time. He's the only person who makes me happy. I hate it.

[Emilia]

Thanks. I know I'm tough, but I'm also numb a lot of the time. He's the only person who makes me happy. I hate it.

 

You need to widen your social circle. Literally to speak to complete strangers more. Go to meetup events, etc. Appreciate different people for different things. You have to cut him out of your life and become vigilant to spot similar men early on.

[ChickiePops]

You need to widen your social circle. Literally to speak to complete strangers more. Go to meetup events, etc. Appreciate different people for different things. You have to cut him out of your life and become vigilant to spot similar men early on.

 

Sadly I work intense hours at the moment and I don't have much of a social life at all. My job is up in mid-April and I'll have 2 weeks off before the next one starts so my friend and I have been talking about getting away for a day or two.

 

Meeting people has never been an issue for me, I'm pretty friendly. I just don't have the time or motivation at the moment. When I'm home I just want to sleep.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Still sick... Still have a migraine. I just want to sleep, but with 4 kids running around I just can't be sick. This is a special kind of hell that only parents get to experience.

 

Gotta go getting sick again.

[Otter2569]

Curious to know: when you are in a good relationship do you recognize the stress and damage that you do to your partner?

 

When the person that you claim was the love of your life walks out on you because of the emotional instability and constant turmoil, do you ever feel remorse and the need to apologize?

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Curious to know: when you are in a good relationship do you recognize the stress and damage that you do to your partner?

 

When the person that you claim was the love of your life walks out on you because of the emotional instability and constant turmoil, do you ever feel remorse and the need to apologize?

 

 

I cannot speak for everyone, but I do see the damage I do. I am also rather unusual for a person with severe BPD in that I am aware of so much. All I know is that my wife has been able to keep herself together long enough to whether most episodes all the way through. With extraordinary patience she talks to me in simple terms like one talks to a child. Leading me via a series of very simple one to one metaphors that all reinforce the same truth. Eventually my emotions calm down enough that I begin to see the pattern. Essentially she uses hyper-rationalization to force me into purely logical reckonings. I see the same point made with logical processes, but I see many iterations of it all a slightly different flavor. She knows I will not wrongfully answer a question. That would be in direct opposition to my nature, which is to be a know it all . My pride as an intellectual simply will not allow me to answer wrongfully if I know the correct answer. I simply cannot and will not go back on my word as a smart guy, so bending my answers to fit my truth is evidence apparent that I am wrong anyway, so instead after a while I yield. An apology is always in order and thus I give one. Unfortunately my wife has heard far too many of these.

 

I hope that makes sense. The truth is that the incredible one here is not myself, but rather my wife who seems to have walked right out the bible. Clear headed and honest to a fault.

 

Bear in mind that attempting this with another BPDer could be catastrophic as most are either unaware or simply too volatile for this too work. Consider also the danger of engaging a person who is railing against you. I personally have been known to go physical in a variety of situations. I have hit my wife, I have also hit grown men three times my size. When I get into certain levels of psychosis it is best to simply call the professionals.

 

speaking of psychosis

 

If a BPDer or BPer is showing signs that they are in psychosis then DISENGAGE you are taking a risk at this point. In full on psychosis I may not even see who you are, I may be back in Wrightsville, or Alto, or even worse. In this state I will turn on myself 90% of the time, IF, left alone.

 

The exception of course is when your child is the patient. In this case my heart goes out to you. You will have to be and do whatever it takes to manage your child's symptoms. That could be physically restraining them or what have you, but obviously you cannot simply leave them be.

 

So to summarize.

 

I do see the damage.

 

My wife basically leads me through a concentric circle of logic that ends in the middle at the truth.

 

Do not engage if the patient has lost touch with reality, ie psychosis.

 

Well that's it for me, I am gonna try to see the doctor today as I am fully miserable. I'm sick, my hips and knees are in agony and I almost just kinda wanna die... Since I recently developed another bleeding ulcer, it looks like I am back to walking the razors edge again. I cannot take over the counter anything for pain, so back to good old narcotics... Yay.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

As of today you guys have seen me in all three stages of my cycle. (I always feel a little strange when I put it that way, being a guy, I joke with my wife when we are fighting that we have "synchronized" ) I was manic when I started, normal for the following week, and as of yesterday depressed. Its gonna be a bad one too. Like really really bad. My energy has taken a hit unlike I have ever felt. Everything hurts worse. I am also sad, just really sad. This is chemical in nature. There are plenty of real reasons to be depressed, but I try to stay positive normally. BPD however will likely step in and try to tell me that these feelings are real and MUST be because of this that and the other. While these real world issues certainly have bearing I do not normally let them get me down.

 

Depression weakens my resolve though and my BPD tries to tell me its all real.

 

I really cannot describe the labyrinth one with both BPD and BP must walk through. The two disorders play off of each other with exponential returns, all of them bad. It can spiral and spiral, each feeding the other, until...

 

Well until your laying in Erlanger again, covered in your own blood, signing an order to keep all family away for their safety. Knowing you hurt the person you love, knowing your children are hurt and confused. Just knowing everything that you did. Hell I once confessed to a murder I made up. just to try and get the death sentence, or at the very least life in prison. I have gone this far to separate myself. My family will not allow it to happen though. I love them and they love me, but if I fail they will perish. So I do the impossible. I walk the Labyrinth and I do it with my head high. It sucks, but I keep on believing. I go about in the world as a sacrifice to the peace, holding it all in, keeping it all under control. It hurts, but it is worth it.

 

So again all three cycles you have seen, with my BPD wanting to tear me apart the entire time. I bet it did not seem that way. People with BPD have the capacity for destruction, of that we are all certain. But...

 

People with BPD also have a chance to serve the greater good, and if you believe in him, God. We have the chance to understand almost anyone as we have felt everything, real or not... We know the extremes of the human spectrum. When life takes a person there, we can step in to help, having been there ourselves, even if it wasn't real. Real of not it feels the same.

 

I just thought it would be nice to show that people with both disorders can make it. I just hope it gets easier. These days I have to keep the image of the word control in my minds eye at all times. This is a very constant reminder to flip over to logic if emotional intensity should increase in any direction too quickly. It allows me to keep my temper and even to fine tune responses to keep them in line with the expected norm.

 

Thank you everyone for reading and thank you for your interest. Given the views I seem to be able to generate regularly I am actually considering writing a book.

 

I wonder if I wrote a book who would be willing to buy it?

 

And yes I'm fishing

[bluefeather]

I would. And if this random person online would, I bet many more would too. It might even be easier these days with something like Amazon digital book sales. I've bought a few books that way, specifically from suggestions on this forum.

[Otter2569]

All I know is that my involvement with my BPD GF (or what ever she has) was the best and worst time of my life.

 

When the cycle started to go bad it was a continual disintegration on all levels. I am very easy going and hate fighting so for me it was a torturous, mind bending situation that I needed to get out of.

[Emilia]

Sadly I work intense hours at the moment and I don't have much of a social life at all. My job is up in mid-April and I'll have 2 weeks off before the next one starts so my friend and I have been talking about getting away for a day or two.

 

Meeting people has never been an issue for me, I'm pretty friendly. I just don't have the time or motivation at the moment. When I'm home I just want to sleep.

 

My point exactly. You have to want to move on.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Wow... Well guys I ended up losing control again. I just hate this. I am trying so hard. The guilt, the shame, and the truth are painful. I did not hurt anybody physically, but the emotional wounds run deep. I'm sitting here now, with tears in my eyes, listening to some good Godly music. I can't help but feel, like those promises are too good for me. Salvation is free for everyone, but what right have I?

 

 

I know I have to pull out of this. It just hurts so bad. My body is feeling the effects also. In full active BPD, my anger can have devastating effects on me even if I contain it. My muscles tense up to the limit, its like every past threat returns to the surface pouring energy into my body for a fight that should not be happening...

 

 

So here I sit thinking of everything I've said. I have to get it together. I have to summon strength I do not have right now. I simply MUST.

 

 

My kids are starting to see me as dangerous. I'm losing them.

 

 

There has to be a way to stop this from happening ever again. I know there is actually, but can I get strong enough fast enough? With every episode that occurs damage is done.

 

 

Hmmm, I just recognized a correlation actually that may have helped trigger this episode.

 

 

Back to the drawing board.

[whichwayisup]

You're working through it by writing. Keep doing this on here!

 

And yes, if you write a book, I'd certainly buy it!!

 

Always remember your wife and kids do love you, even though things are rough right now, they support you.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

You're working through it by writing. Keep doing this on here!

 

And yes, if you write a book, I'd certainly buy it!!

 

Always remember your wife and kids do love you, even though things are rough right now, they support you.

 

I am trying. I actually have not been on medication for about 1 year. I have exhausted local options for treatment. I also found that every place I have access to seems to want to over prescribe. I was so stoned every day that I was worthless to anyone. That is not gonna cut it. I have too much to do to be stoned out of my mind.

 

So I called around and ended up contacting a place in Florida by mistake. I don't know why, well I do really, but I broke down a little. After hearing my story they decided to try to help me. They actually provided a list of resources I was not aware of. I may have to go a little out of my way, but its time. Its time to get real healing for my self and my family. As such, I am looking into support groups that include family members. It would give me and my family perspective to see and hear of others going through the same thing.

 

This is bad I am being offered good work and I cannot take it. I mean a really good job. People that know me say I am brilliant, but it won't matter if I cannot be consistent.

 

My very small group of friends is moving on, starting businesses and becoming successful. These are not people that you would normally expect to pull it off either. We were all druggies, three of us decided to grow up. I want to, but I keep hitting the reset switch every time I have an episode.

 

I swear though, by my own soul, I will beat this thing or literally die trying.

[frigginlost]

I am trying. I actually have not been on medication for about 1 year. I have exhausted local options for treatment. I also found that every place I have access to seems to want to over prescribe. I was so stoned every day that I was worthless to anyone. That is not gonna cut it. I have too much to do to be stoned out of my mind.

 

So I called around and ended up contacting a place in Florida by mistake. I don't know why, well I do really, but I broke down a little. After hearing my story they decided to try to help me. They actually provided a list of resources I was not aware of. I may have to go a little out of my way, but its time. Its time to get real healing for my self and my family. As such, I am looking into support groups that include family members. It would give me and my family perspective to see and hear of others going through the same thing.

 

This is bad I am being offered good work and I cannot take it. I mean a really good job. People that know me say I am brilliant, but it won't matter if I cannot be consistent.

 

My very small group of friends is moving on, starting businesses and becoming successful. These are not people that you would normally expect to pull it off either. We were all druggies, three of us decided to grow up. I want to, but I keep hitting the reset switch every time I have an episode.

 

I swear though, by my own soul, I will beat this thing or literally die trying.

 

Harmony,

 

As a person who once dated a BPD female, and who's closest friend is a full-blown BPDer just now coming out of the fog after years of therapy, I just wanted to speak-up to you.

 

You are doing great!! Keep fighting!! Take a step back when those demons appear and think of this thread you started. Do you realize how many people you have helped? Focus on that logically... what you bring to the table is worth it.

 

Best to you.

[mcjordan]

I am trying. I actually have not been on medication for about 1 year. I have exhausted local options for treatment. I also found that every place I have access to seems to want to over prescribe. I was so stoned every day that I was worthless to anyone. That is not gonna cut it. I have too much to do to be stoned out of my mind.

 

So I called around and ended up contacting a place in Florida by mistake. I don't know why, well I do really, but I broke down a little. After hearing my story they decided to try to help me. They actually provided a list of resources I was not aware of. I may have to go a little out of my way, but its time. Its time to get real healing for my self and my family. As such, I am looking into support groups that include family members. It would give me and my family perspective to see and hear of others going through the same thing.

 

This is bad I am being offered good work and I cannot take it. I mean a really good job. People that know me say I am brilliant, but it won't matter if I cannot be consistent.

 

My very small group of friends is moving on, starting businesses and becoming successful. These are not people that you would normally expect to pull it off either. We were all druggies, three of us decided to grow up. I want to, but I keep hitting the reset switch every time I have an episode.

 

I swear though, by my own soul, I will beat this thing or literally die trying.

 

Am I correct in understanding that you have been diagnosed as Bipolar and are on no medication? I know the side effects can be brutal and it takes time to find a non-zombie-inducing combo. But honestly, being on no medication.....I can understand why you are struggling, and I worry for you and your family.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Harmony,

 

As a person who once dated a BPD female, and who's closest friend is a full-blown BPDer just now coming out of the fog after years of therapy, I just wanted to speak-up to you.

 

You are doing great!! Keep fighting!! Take a step back when those demons appear and think of this thread you started. Do you realize how many people you have helped? Focus on that logically... what you bring to the table is worth it.

 

Best to you.

 

Thank you for your support. I am gonna keep going, but I am not feeling it right now. When I started this thread I set a few rules for myself. First of all I will continue to write in this thread regardless of my current state. I want to follow through with something worthwhile. I really want to help people. I realized that suffering is the same for all. There are other families out there going through this and worse. That really bothers me. The idea of children being subjected to violent outbursts or worse really bothers me. I opened up my mind and heart to the world as being one giant organism or sorts. Good and evil, love and hate, these are not some flimsy metaphoric ideals. There are actually a type of energy, think about it...

 

Energy is a force that causes physical action.

Emotions cause physical action.

 

A person displays love towards another and they react, normally.

A person displays hatred and they react.

 

Also bear in mind that calories and electrical energy are consumed in the creation of emotion. That energy is then transferred to another, who in turn expends calories and electricity in their brain in response. At this point and exchange begins, consuming and transferring energy.

 

So in a sense, when I add positive energy to anyone's life, I am improving my own. This is because I am a member of the human race and the way I see it, we are all in this together.

 

I just want to see the day when my contributions outweigh that which I have taken.

 

Thank you again for the kind words, it always makes feel better although with a tinge of guilt. I feel bad sometimes when I receive support like that. I just wish my family could get that as well, they are the victims here.

 

Alright I need to get some more work done. Its not easy, my body hurts like hell and so does my heart. To me this is "man" time. Time to man up and keep truckin.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Am I correct in understanding that you have been diagnosed as Bipolar and are on no medication? I know the side effects can be brutal and it takes time to find a non-zombie-inducing combo. But honestly, being on no medication.....I can understand why you are struggling, and I worry for you and your family.

 

Yes I am Bi-Polar 1 with exceptionally pronounced and prolonged mania. I am also diagnosed with BPD.

 

I have learned how to recognize which disorder is causing which symptoms, but managing it is a minefield.

 

I have my mental health issues, which play off each other in very bad ways. I also have chronic pain issues. I am also a drug addict. The "coup de grace" I have a bleeding ulcer.

 

So, no medication for bi polar. I cannot take anything at all for pain, no NSAIDS, no narcotics, nada. I have tried to manage with my own techniques, but I am losing this battle. I am ready to get real help.

 

I am getting serious about my treatment though. I am weak. I tried, but I will simply never be that strong alpha male type. I just cannot do it alone.

 

I am a wishy washy emotionally sensitive wreck. My anger is litterally going to kill me one day. My chest has started hurting a lot and I feel a pressure there all the time now.

 

Like I said, "or die trying".