Visible Bras

[healingsoul]

My son is dating a precious girl that we like very much. She has always been very careful about the way she dresses usually wearing very conservative clothing. Yesterday she came over wearing a shirt with very large arm holes and her bra was totally exposed (a very lacy black bra). I have an 18 year old daughter who would have wore another shirt underneath (cami) or a tube like shirt/bra but never had her actual bra exposed. I was a little surprised because I had never seen her dress this way before.

 

When is it ever appropriate to speak to a young lady that is not your daughter. I am not a prude but I do think there are tasteful standards. His girlfriend would be embarassed and mortified if I said anything.

 

I hope this is not a new trend. Thank you ahead of time for being considerate of the fact that I am not trying to control or hurt the gf that we love dearly, I simply want to hear from other moms with teens in how they have navigated similar situations.

[eye of the storm]

With my daughter's friends, I would just say I can see your bra. They would either looked shocked or say "I know". Then I would just carry on with my day. It also matters how you ask. If you ask like it is a huge deal or you are embarrassed then she will react more strongly. I would always ask in the same way I would ask "do you know you have spinach in your teeth".

 

If the GF says yes, shrug and move on. Her clothing choices have nothing to do with you. And please do not say, "my daughter would wear such and such" that will start building walls.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My son is dating a precious girl that we like very much. She has always been very careful about the way she dresses usually wearing very conservative clothing. Yesterday she came over wearing a shirt with very large arm holes and her bra was totally exposed (a very lacy black bra). I have an 18 year old daughter who would have wore another shirt underneath (cami) or a tube like shirt/bra but never had her actual bra exposed. I was a little surprised because I had never seen her dress this way before.

 

When is it ever appropriate to speak to a young lady that is not your daughter. I am not a prude but I do think there are tasteful standards. His girlfriend would be embarassed and mortified if I said anything.

 

I hope this is not a new trend. Thank you ahead of time for being considerate of the fact that I am not trying to control or hurt the gf that we love dearly, I simply want to hear from other moms with teens in how they have navigated similar situations.

 

 

 

Wow, I just want to applaud your very careful effort at (learning about this) before you fly off the handle.

 

I am guessing that you will find, eventually, that such attire is somewhere near to the norm among her friends... and it is that influence more than anything else which found her in your presence looking as she did.

 

My gut feeling is also that her look wasn't far enough from today's fashion to warrant a speaking-to from a boyfriend's-mom who otherwise likes the young woman.

 

 

Though I'm sure that the most appropriate way to dissuade a repeat is to tell your son that you don't feel that attire was appropriate in your home.

[Tayla]

Usually social decorum is to address it in a whisper with the understanding that they are somewhat unaware of how the attire is assembled.

 

When my sons' friends came over with their pants hanging from their knees practically, I addressed it. That isn't fashion, that's fashion faux pas!

 

ANd yes These boys knew that in our house or out to dinner, we dress with regard to our community...I doubt Little Sally or Uncle Jeb want to see someones underwear or under clothes.

[Gemma1]

So it had big arm holes like a workout shirt? Those are meant to expose the bra. I can see how someone who hasn't seen that would find it distasteful, but that's how those shirts are worn. The bras are made to be seen. Usually it's somethjg you'd only wear around the house, not out in public. How old is she?

[healingsoul]

Your kindness brings tears to my eyes. I so appreciate you understanding my heart and that I am trying to learn. Thankfully I did not say anything and I have noticed that she is wearing more tube like bras/coverings with these types of shirts. I don't think it will be an issue.

 

Thank you so much for your response!!!!

 

Wow, I just want to applaud your very careful effort at (learning about this) before you fly off the handle.

 

I am guessing that you will find, eventually, that such attire is somewhere near to the norm among her friends... and it is that influence more than anything else which found her in your presence looking as she did.

 

My gut feeling is also that her look wasn't far enough from today's fashion to warrant a speaking-to from a boyfriend's-mom who otherwise likes the young woman.

 

 

Though I'm sure that the most appropriate way to dissuade a repeat is to tell your son that you don't feel that attire was appropriate in your home.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

... furthermore... to even BE a teenage girl in modern times involves so much more 'living' than was even possible back in (the dark ages - aka 1980, I'm sure)... and I suspect that there are SOME things you just **do** (because everybody else IS doing them) (and they are NOT particularly/directly *harmful* - as were the drugs in 1980, or 1960, or 2011...). (instead they are perhaps merely changing standards slowly and steadily)

 

 

The ("worth", really) of having a teenage son who has a (seemingly 'with-it') girlfriend in 2016 OF THE SORT which you adore, in general is difficult to really measure - but it feels of considerable value.

 

 

And consider, too, that sooooooooooo many of the rewards (and entertainment) from becoming parents relate to (just sitting there and feeling the contentment and satisfaction of your kids... while possibly and simultaneously trying to hide some of your own joy over their sometimes-wobbly progress) (who knows why?, about that last part - just, heaven forbid they should know your contentment - laugh)

 

So y'know, what IF (the fashion you report here) is just part of the uniqueness of both the times and the individual she is?

 

 

It is a more-evolved, and more-individual display/expression than was a younger family member of mine who would always want "spaghetti with NO sauce" even when going out to an Italian restaurant.

 

 

And, just guessing, the, uh, underwear you described at first is probably a lot more fortress-like in its make-up than were the underthings you might have been wearing at the same age. So as somebody said, it really IS likely meant to be visible... and it doesn't likely pose the (threat of showing more than is legal) which one's mind might first be concerned about.

[Qboro90]

As someone mentioned above, kudos to you for being a cool mom and parent and reaching out on a forum for outside perspective about this question.

 

A couple things that others haven't mentioned here. You didn't mention how old your son was in your Op. I'm going to assume he's a teenager, 14-17? Or is he older than your daughter?

 

You made a point to say that she is a precious girl who your family likes very much. Assuming that this side bra showing top outfit was worn over just once, then I think it would be careless and unnecessary to think anything about it. Since you said she typically has always dressed conservatively around your house then you should know that she cares about your opinion of her and tries her best to show respect for her boyfriends parents and home.

it sounds like they're been dating for a descent amount of time if you've formed this opinion of her. Which is relevant because if she wore this top to your house and has always dressed/acted appropriately before this, then it's safe to assume that she had absolutely no idea you would even take notice of this, or see it as something inappropriate.

 

I'm all for parents having rules, standards for their kids and home, but there's also the flip side of being able to understand that things which may have been frowned upon or taboo during your teenage years, may not necessarily be that way now. While you are free to have expectations for those brought Ito your home... I think that you are also aware enough to think back to when you were your sons age and how a dress or skirt you may have worn to a boyfriends house at that time, may have been nothing at all to you, yet that boy's mother may have thought you were an easy girl who showed off too much skin. And that's with just a dress an inch above the knee, or when bikinis came into style.

 

I know this is big picture type stuff. I'm just trying to illustrate how this girl wasn't going anything that can be attributed to having bad character or a red flag... It's just how girls tend to dress nowadays. Especially if she was at, or went to the gym or was just doing something of that nature. I highly doubt she would wear that to church, or over for Christmas dinner because that's obvious.

 

More importantly I don't think you should say anything to this girl because 1. It's not going to do anything but embarrass her and make her feel uncomfortable or worried about coming over to your house in the future. Young girls, as in sure you know, do not want to go to their boyfriends house if they feel like his mom doesn't like her or is nit picking things she would never even think of. And when she does come over she's going to be tense and on edge. If anything you want the people your kids date to feel respectful yet comfortable around you, your family and your home.

 

Remember, it's always better to have them at your house and be a little annoyed at the noise or whatever, than it is to have your son always leaving to socialize and go on his dates. I have a younger sister and growing up the first BF she brought to the house at 17 (2 older brothers so we didn't help that lol) was embarrassed over something silly by my dad during dinner. From there in for a while my sister felt nervous about bringing him over to the house despite him being a nice harmless guy. All I'm saying is look at the big picture and it's important your son, and dau know that the friends and relationships they bring into your home are going to be welcomed and it won't be an uneasy or nerve wracking experience that they begin to avoid.

 

Lastly... Your son is the one who is your responsibility. How do you feel about your sons character and maturity? Has the girls he's brought home, or the friends he's had growing up made you question his judgment of character? If this girl never wore that top would you think your son picked a nice girl to go out with? If so then she could wear a thong and lace bra over for Easter dinner and you should know that your son would break up with her and think she's crazy without having to get involved or say a word.

 

You also have an 18yo daughter who your son can look at as what a classy and independent, smart girl is like day to day which I'm sure influenced him in some way. If he wasn't sure his Gf was some one that you and his sister would approve of then he wouldn't bring her home and introduce her. So trust that you've done a good job and allow your kids to experience dating without interfering unless it's something glaringly abhorrent.

 

Who knows... Maybe your son actually had a conversation with his gf after that day and said "hey listen, in the future, just wear a tank top or t shirt if you come over after the gym. As much as I want your boobs to be hanging out all the time, it's not exactly what I want my parents and sister seeing from my gf"

 

Sounds like you're a pretty in tune and loving mom so try looking at it as if that possibility above is more likely than not.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If he has a girlfriend you really like, who you think is a great girl, then she's worth her weight in gold, for the happiness she brings to your son's life, and the lack of drama she brings to yours.

 

A top showing a bra is truly no big deal. I wouldn't risk damaging the great relationship you have by even mentioning it, to either her or to your son. If my partner's Mother mentioned that she thought my clothing was too revealing I'd be mortified and think she was very rude, it would make me think she was a prude or that what I wore was more important to her than my integrity as a person.

[WaitingForBardot]

A little bit different situation, but back in the dark ages when the braless look was de rigueur, my sister went to live with our uncle/aunt's family for the summer. The day she arrived, my uncle took her aside and privately, without malice, indignation, or contempt, pointed right at her breasts and said "Those are to be covered when you live with us." So she complied without taking offense and spent the first of several enjoyable summers at their home.

 

As someone mentioned above, it's all in how you say it.

[healingsoul]

I love what you said about how I feel about my son's maturity and knowing him if he thought it was questionable he WOULD have the conversation with her, so thank you for reminding me to trust my own son.

 

As someone mentioned above, kudos to you for being a cool mom and parent and reaching out on a forum for outside perspective about this question.

 

A couple things that others haven't mentioned here. You didn't mention how old your son was in your Op. I'm going to assume he's a teenager, 14-17? Or is he older than your daughter?

 

You made a point to say that she is a precious girl who your family likes very much. Assuming that this side bra showing top outfit was worn over just once, then I think it would be careless and unnecessary to think anything about it. Since you said she typically has always dressed conservatively around your house then you should know that she cares about your opinion of her and tries her best to show respect for her boyfriends parents and home.

it sounds like they're been dating for a descent amount of time if you've formed this opinion of her. Which is relevant because if she wore this top to your house and has always dressed/acted appropriately before this, then it's safe to assume that she had absolutely no idea you would even take notice of this, or see it as something inappropriate.

 

I'm all for parents having rules, standards for their kids and home, but there's also the flip side of being able to understand that things which may have been frowned upon or taboo during your teenage years, may not necessarily be that way now. While you are free to have expectations for those brought Ito your home... I think that you are also aware enough to think back to when you were your sons age and how a dress or skirt you may have worn to a boyfriends house at that time, may have been nothing at all to you, yet that boy's mother may have thought you were an easy girl who showed off too much skin. And that's with just a dress an inch above the knee, or when bikinis came into style.

 

I know this is big picture type stuff. I'm just trying to illustrate how this girl wasn't going anything that can be attributed to having bad character or a red flag... It's just how girls tend to dress nowadays. Especially if she was at, or went to the gym or was just doing something of that nature. I highly doubt she would wear that to church, or over for Christmas dinner because that's obvious.

 

More importantly I don't think you should say anything to this girl because 1. It's not going to do anything but embarrass her and make her feel uncomfortable or worried about coming over to your house in the future. Young girls, as in sure you know, do not want to go to their boyfriends house if they feel like his mom doesn't like her or is nit picking things she would never even think of. And when she does come over she's going to be tense and on edge. If anything you want the people your kids date to feel respectful yet comfortable around you, your family and your home.

 

Remember, it's always better to have them at your house and be a little annoyed at the noise or whatever, than it is to have your son always leaving to socialize and go on his dates. I have a younger sister and growing up the first BF she brought to the house at 17 (2 older brothers so we didn't help that lol) was embarrassed over something silly by my dad during dinner. From there in for a while my sister felt nervous about bringing him over to the house despite him being a nice harmless guy. All I'm saying is look at the big picture and it's important your son, and dau know that the friends and relationships they bring into your home are going to be welcomed and it won't be an uneasy or nerve wracking experience that they begin to avoid.

 

Lastly... Your son is the one who is your responsibility. How do you feel about your sons character and maturity? Has the girls he's brought home, or the friends he's had growing up made you question his judgment of character? If this girl never wore that top would you think your son picked a nice girl to go out with? If so then she could wear a thong and lace bra over for Easter dinner and you should know that your son would break up with her and think she's crazy without having to get involved or say a word.

 

You also have an 18yo daughter who your son can look at as what a classy and independent, smart girl is like day to day which I'm sure influenced him in some way. If he wasn't sure his Gf was some one that you and his sister would approve of then he wouldn't bring her home and introduce her. So trust that you've done a good job and allow your kids to experience dating without interfering unless it's something glaringly abhorrent.

 

Who knows... Maybe your son actually had a conversation with his gf after that day and said "hey listen, in the future, just wear a tank top or t shirt if you come over after the gym. As much as I want your boobs to be hanging out all the time, it's not exactly what I want my parents and sister seeing from my gf"

 

Sounds like you're a pretty in tune and loving mom so try looking at it as if that possibility above is more likely than not.

[healingsoul]

You are so right! And this is probably why I held my mouth shut, because she is worth her weight in gold! She brings my son great happiness and can even cheer him up when he is in the dumps. Thank you so much for the proper perspective.

 

If he has a girlfriend you really like, who you think is a great girl, then she's worth her weight in gold, for the happiness she brings to your son's life, and the lack of drama she brings to yours.

 

A top showing a bra is truly no big deal. I wouldn't risk damaging the great relationship you have by even mentioning it, to either her or to your son. If my partner's Mother mentioned that she thought my clothing was too revealing I'd be mortified and think she was very rude, it would make me think she was a prude or that what I wore was more important to her than my integrity as a person.