Is it too late to get a close friend when you're 30+?

[risjurad]

I don't have any "real friends" to speak of. I'd like to know if folks have detailed instructions on what they'd do to make "real friends". Or at least hold on to them. I'm looking for time lines, and things to look out for. If nothing else, some of these issues can spill over into finding and holding on to a girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

I used to go to Meetups and social events... eating at a restaurant, bars, video gaming socials, conventions, movies, etc. For the most part, I would chat with the group, but that's it. We don't exchange contact info (unless a host/ess gives it out so we can call/txt to let them know we're running late for an event), and we really only talk when we meet in person.

 

 

 

 

For acquaintances, I may barely know their name, to knowing where they live, work, what some of their interests are. For me, the threshold that turns an acquaintance into a "real friend" if we actually talk over the phone, email, and/or txt about every other day to about twice a month. We can talk about some things outside our initial interests like mortgages, relationships (other friends, marriage, gf/bf), politics, tech, etc.

 

 

 

 

I believe I may have had some, but ever since I moved to a new region, they stopped contacting me, and I haven't spoken with them in years and years. And no, I don't count talking through Facebook.

 

 

 

 

I get the vibe that when I get invited to a party or event (excluding Meetup since they generally take whomever signs up), I don't get invited back b/c it may very well be something about me. OTOH, it could be they did that just that one time as well, but no way for me to know.

[d0nnivain]

I made some great friends as an adult through organizations, groups with more structure then Meetups where you see the same people routinely as you work with the organization to achieve a common goal.

 

I made friends through business groups, through alumni organizations & through charitable organizations.

[risjurad]

I made some great friends as an adult through organizations, groups with more structure then Meetups where you see the same people routinely as you work with the organization to achieve a common goal.

 

I made friends through business groups, through alumni organizations & through charitable organizations.

Can you provide specifics on how folks go about this?

 

 

The problem with just using Meetup is after the Meetup is done, no more contact till the next meet up. If I move away from the region, no more contact, ever.

 

 

Is it like dating, but keeping things platonic in where if you'd like to get to know the person more, you call them or ask them if they'd also like to hang out, check out an event together, go grab food or a drink together? At what point can you do this? After 1 meeting? After 3 meetings? What would be coming off as too aggressive? What would be too passive?

[preraph]

I think maybe at the meetup, you strike up a conversation about a movie or a restaurant and see if anyone is interested in it. If someone says, oh, yes, I want to see that, say, Well, I was planning on going soon. I'd love some company. You have to establish a common interest.

 

Also, you can use the meetup to invite those people to your own private party or other get-together. I was only on one meetup group, but they had it where anyone could suggest their own meetup and see who rsvp'd. Of course if you have access to anything fun, like own a boat, something like that, you can invite people to go out on it with you.

 

I guess a lot of people at meetups are like you, having trouble getting the ball rolling, so I imagine they'd appreciate any suggestions that you made.

[Satu]

Learn to be a good listener.

 

Good talkers are ten a penny.

 

Good listeners are rare.

 

Take an interest in people, and give them the gift of your attention.

[d0nnivain]

In each of the arenas I mentioned: work, charity & alumnae I would go to the regularly scheduled event every week or month & talk to people there. Then I would work with them on some king of committee or board. Again, we had regular events where we had to meet; attendance was required. After a few months I might suggest doing something together immediately after our meeting. Hey wanna grab a drink? The Q was immediate, like getting a drink after work. From there maybe, we'd have a phone call or two. Then I may throw out there getting together for a purely social purpose.

 

I move slowly on this stuff but the request can be after you have known the person for only a few weeks.

[olivebranch]

I've made really good friends in my late 20's and early 30's. It takes time so be patient... But ideally yes you've kinda got to figure out a group that meets regularly.

 

I think go for what you are the most interested in and keep showing up over and over again, with your primary focus being on developing your knowledge around a particular passion. There you will find like minded people and something to get excited about and keep excited about... That commonality or those commonalities will serve as glue to hold your interest and that way there is also less pressure on delicate potential relationships forming.

 

You'll always have the interest/cause/passion to fall back on, even when it seems lonely and bleak in the beginning. Count on it taking up to two years to really begin to form a network. You'll probably feel very encouraged after a year, even six months in could be feeling not bad/pretty hopeful.

 

Generally, though, you need to discover or hone in on your passions and what you enjoy doing most, or find a group that meets to solve a common issue/problem... It could even be something like al-anon or aa or na ( if that applies. )

Edited February 26, 2016 by olivebranch

[losangelena]

Don't wait for people to invite you to things. You think of something you want to go do, and you invite them. Be proactive. Don't just show up, ask questions, be inquisitive, show interest.

[ExtraSpice]

I am not in my late 30s but I am sure it is possible. I needed to expand my social circle so I tried meetup as everyone suggested it. At first I didn't really think it would yield any results but I did make a friend through meetup.

 

The way it happened is we were talking about where we live and this guy lives very close to me. Seemed like we were around the same age. I am usually hesitant on initiating. I didn't know exactly how it would come off. But at the end of the meetup he suggested we should hang out since we live so close. We exchanged numbers and we have hung out a few times.

 

So I would say go to a meetup which interests you, try to be a regular at it. As you get more comfortable and develop better interactions with the people there you can suggest hanging out after.