Issues with finances

[starla33]

So boyfriend and I are planning on moving in however lately I feel like I'm spending a ton of money on groceries etc. He does pay when we go out (which is not that often) and btw makes almost double what I make, but has yet to pay for groceries or help me with them.

 

I have told him multiple times now that I'm upset I'm spending so much money and he says we will figure out a plan when we move in together for this. I'm really frustrated because I was raised in a culture where the man is usually the one that pays (i get it it's not like that here and as "millennials" we can't expect that anymore).

 

I'm really not sure how I can make it clear to him that I'm starting to resent him over this and if this does not change I'm frustrated and walking

[Wewon]

Why are groceries an issue if you aren't living together yet?

 

Money issues are one of the most volatile issues in a relationship and because of that they should be approached in a objective and cool-headed way as possible.

 

So I would suggest sitting down and hashing out 2 things:

 

1) A method (system) for handling money that you both can live with.

2) A budget that supports that system.

 

The first part is important, this is where people decide on things like one bank account versus multiple accounts. How do you handle large purchases? How do you invest? Do you build an emergency fund? How do you handle luxury items? This is the most difficult and humbling parts of the process. A lot of people go into it with their respective attitudes and upbringings and have to adjust to another person.

 

This is also when people realize that they may be part of the problem. It starts to come out who really is the responsible saver and who is the carefree spender. Because of this you might want to get a handle on any budding resentment until you have this information in front of you.

 

The budget is simply math. You have the numbers in front you and you set them up.

[No_Go]

Ugh I have similar experience, but in my case boyfriend was buying the groceries but I, partially out of generocity, partially out of guilt start paying 75% of the dates out. So he was costing me >$100 a week before we moved in. I resented him for that and because he's terribly irresponsible spender (i.e. asking him why he's buying expensive stuff (instead of saving) he'd respond: 'Because I always wanted to and finally have the money' WHAATTT? You're 40, not a spoiled toddler, dude).

 

 

Now living together is better, or I hope so, he is paying the bills and asking me for half in the end of the month, I wonder is the half really half or he's abusing me financially...

 

 

On your question: ask him NOW to make a budget. You don't need to wait until you move in. Each contribute 1/2, that's it.

 

 

So boyfriend and I are planning on moving in however lately I feel like I'm spending a ton of money on groceries etc. He does pay when we go out (which is not that often) and btw makes almost double what I make, but has yet to pay for groceries or help me with them.

 

I have told him multiple times now that I'm upset I'm spending so much money and he says we will figure out a plan when we move in together for this. I'm really frustrated because I was raised in a culture where the man is usually the one that pays (i get it it's not like that here and as "millennials" we can't expect that anymore).

 

I'm really not sure how I can make it clear to him that I'm starting to resent him over this and if this does not change I'm frustrated and walking

[starla33]

I really don't think it is right to expect someone to pay half if you are making 45% more than they are salary wise.

[starla33]

Why are groceries an issue if you aren't living together yet?

 

Money issues are one of the most volatile issues in a relationship and because of that they should be approached in a objective and cool-headed way as possible.

 

So I would suggest sitting down and hashing out 2 things:

 

1) A method (system) for handling money that you both can live with.

2) A budget that supports that system.

 

The first part is important, this is where people decide on things like one bank account versus multiple accounts. How do you handle large purchases? How do you invest? Do you build an emergency fund? How do you handle luxury items? This is the most difficult and humbling parts of the process. A lot of people go into it with their respective attitudes and upbringings and have to adjust to another person.

 

This is also when people realize that they may be part of the problem. It starts to come out who really is the responsible saver and who is the carefree spender. Because of this you might want to get a handle on any budding resentment until you have this information in front of you.

 

The budget is simply math. You have the numbers in front you and you set them up.

 

Because he is at my house 6 days a week eating my food that I buy for both of us yet pay for completely

[No_Go]

If the difference in the disposable income (not salary, this could be misleading if he's paying eg debt or alimony) is big, than adjust the ratio, i.e. Not 1:1!but in your case 2:3 (you 2 parts, he 3)

I really don't think it is right to expect someone to pay half if you are making 45% more than they are salary wise.

[starla33]

If the difference in the disposable income (not salary, this could be misleading if he's paying eg debt or alimony) is big, than adjust the ratio, i.e. Not 1:1!but in your case 2:3 (you 2 parts, he 3)

 

he has no debt and no kids and hes hoarding all his money and saving it for the future. if he keeps going this way it will be a lonely future for him

[d0nnivain]

Then stop feeding him. When he says what's for dinner say you have no food.

 

Also take him grocery shopping with you.

 

If he doesn't pay & this is an issue for you, don't move in with him.

[starla33]

Then stop feeding him. When he says what's for dinner say you have no food.

 

Also take him grocery shopping with you.

 

If he doesn't pay & this is an issue for you, don't move in with him.

 

yeah but then i starve too if there is nothing in the fridge. Honestly groceries cost me about 130-150 bucks a week lately for both of us. We live in an expensive city.

[MightyPen]

Do a budget together.

 

Make sure you are in agreement (i.e. you aren't shoving it down his throat, nor he yours). You'll have to make compromises, as will he.

 

Who pays for groceries? Cable? Heat? Budget it all out and agree.

 

You'll have to decide if his higher salary should equate to him paying more of the bills. I could see going either way on that. On one hand, yes he might have more "fun money" but you're both saving (in theory) the same amount by having someone to split rent, utilities, etc.

[xxoo]

Buy your regular amt of food for the week.

 

On the 3rd day of the week, when you run out of food early, go to the store together and replenish the fridge and pantry.

[basil67]

You need to set some boundaries.

 

Tell him that you can no longer afford to pay for the food for both of you. If he wants to eat with you at night, he needs to contribute x% of the food bill.

[basil67]

yeah but then i starve too if there is nothing in the fridge. Honestly groceries cost me about 130-150 bucks a week lately for both of us. We live in an expensive city.

 

Nobody is suggesting you starve. If you can't afford enough food for both of you, then just buy what YOU need. Give him the choice of contributing financially or eating elsewhere.

[Shining One]

As others have said, it's time to do some math and figure out how things should work.

Honestly groceries cost me about 130-150 bucks a week lately for both of us.

Is this the only money you spend on him on a regular basis? If so, I would recommend you be careful what you wish for. My younger brother's girlfriend started complaining about their financial situation. They agreed to divide the living costs proportionally to their disposable incomes. After they did the math, they found out that he was already contributing more than his fair share and it ended up costing her more than before she brought up the subject. Thus, you need to determine whether or not spending ~$75 per week on your boyfriend is "unfair". I spend more than that on my girlfriend on a single dinner/movie night.

[starla33]

As others have said, it's time to do some math and figure out how things should work.Is this the only money you spend on him on a regular basis? If so, I would recommend you be careful what you wish for. My younger brother's girlfriend started complaining about their financial situation. They agreed to divide the living costs proportionally to their disposable incomes. After they did the math, they found out that he was already contributing more than his fair share and it ended up costing her more than before she brought up the subject. Thus, you need to determine whether or not spending ~$75 per week on your boyfriend is "unfair". I spend more than that on my girlfriend on a single dinner/movie night.

 

not at all, we take turns buying other things....but since I am more generous sometimes I might pay for concert tickets 2 times in a row etc. He usually pays when we eat out, but that is once a week or so and not too expensive.

[d0nnivain]

yeah but then i starve too if there is nothing in the fridge. Honestly groceries cost me about 130-150 bucks a week lately for both of us. We live in an expensive city.

 

 

So put some food in your fridge so you can eat but don't buy the ingredients for dinner

 

 

Also learn how to make cheap things for dinner.

[Wewon]

he has no debt and no kids and hes hoarding all his money and saving it for the future. if he keeps going this way it will be a lonely future for him

 

I implore you to exercise a little humility during this process.

 

You're agitated now because you're looking at the outlay for groceries and that has your feeling a sense of righteous indignation. But once you're living together all of the sudden the real habits will start to surface.

 

He will start to notice how much money is being spent on your interest and hobbies and all of the while he's a saver.

 

With the attitude that you're exhibiting I hope that you keep your personal spending well below the 50% mark, otherwise he will have every right to make the same complaints that you are currently making.

 

Don't fall in the trap that a lot of women do of being super eager to spend his money but an ultra tightwad when it comes to your own money. Trust me, he will notice that and "but you're the guy" and "tradition states that..." are going to fly for only so long.

[Wewon]

As others have said, it's time to do some math and figure out how things should work.Is this the only money you spend on him on a regular basis? If so, I would recommend you be careful what you wish for. My younger brother's girlfriend started complaining about their financial situation. They agreed to divide the living costs proportionally to their disposable incomes. After they did the math, they found out that he was already contributing more than his fair share and it ended up costing her more than before she brought up the subject. Thus, you need to determine whether or not spending ~$75 per week on your boyfriend is "unfair". I spend more than that on my girlfriend on a single dinner/movie night.

 

Exactly.

 

I'm afraid that the OP is laser focused on a grocery bill and may be in for a rude awakening when they run the numbers.

 

When and if that does happen its best not to have a ton of speeches about "fairness" that she will have to live down.

 

Its like the old saying, "Please let my words today be tender and sweet because tomorrow I may have to eat them"

[starla33]

Exactly.

 

I'm afraid that the OP is laser focused on a grocery bill and may be in for a rude awakening when they run the numbers.

 

When and if that does happen its best not to have a ton of speeches about "fairness" that she will have to live down.

 

Its like the old saying, "Please let my words today be tender and sweet because tomorrow I may have to eat them"

 

I don't know if you read my post on the last page but i definitely pay for almost if not more than half of things. So yes I WOULD LOVE IT if we counted it all out. He would be the in in for a rude awakening.

[lana-banana]

$150 a week? What in the world are you cooking? I live in one of the most expensive cities in the United States and my boyfriend and I average around $50. It does go a bit higher when we're buying fancier ingredients or having a dinner party, but it's rarely more than $75. It helps to stock up on the essentials first and just restock as needed.

 

I think you can and should itemize your spending and earning. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable; try to joke about it and make it clear that you're doing this as a couple. We did it earlier this year when he was juggling some financial things, and we decided that I would do all the grocery shopping while he covered rent, utilities, etc; I'm saving up for a luxury vacation while he saves up for a ring. We tell each other about all our purchases no matter how small (e.g. "I just spent $5 on coffee") to keep ourselves accountable. it's

[thefooloftheyear]

$150 a week? What in the world are you cooking? I live in one of the most expensive cities in the United States and my boyfriend and I average around $50. It does go a bit higher when we're buying fancier ingredients or having a dinner party, but it's rarely more than $75. It helps to stock up on the essentials first and just restock as needed.

 

I think you can and should itemize your spending and earning. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable; try to joke about it and make it clear that you're doing this as a couple. We did it earlier this year when he was juggling some financial things, and we decided that I would do all the grocery shopping while he covered rent, utilities, etc; I'm saving up for a luxury vacation while he saves up for a ring. We tell each other about all our purchases no matter how small (e.g. "I just spent $5 on coffee") to keep ourselves accountable. it's

 

50 bucks?? 2 people.???

 

Whats on the menu? Ramen noodles and Oatmeal??

 

But seriously, I cant see how its possible...I stop and "pick up a few things" and its 60 bucks....I take my hat off to you guys !!

 

TFY

[lana-banana]

50 bucks?? 2 people.???

 

Whats on the menu? Ramen noodles and Oatmeal??

 

But seriously, I cant see how its possible...I stop and "pick up a few things" and its 60 bucks....I take my hat off to you guys !!

 

TFY

 

Part of the reason I took over grocery shopping was because he would always "pick up a few things" and bam, one or two hundred dollars later...! The worst part was that we'd never finish it and the food would be wasted. We have so much as it is. If you already have a well-stocked pantry and refrigerator, weekly grocery shopping rarely requires more than some meat, fresh vegetables, lemons (we're always running out of lemons!), cheese, and maybe a few spices. Occasionally you have to replenish expensive things like vanilla extract but it all evens out.

 

This past week we fixed bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers, kale gratin, a whole roasted cauliflower with mint chutney, tandoori chicken, coconut flatbread, and supplemented with some leftover spinach-artichoke meatballs over zucchini noodles. Groceries were $42 because we already had most of what we needed. I just had to pick up some vegetables, chicken thighs, and fresh herbs.

 

If you cook more, you spend less.

Edited February 26, 2016 by lana-banana

[Wewon]

I don't know if you read my post on the last page but i definitely pay for almost if not more than half of things. So yes I WOULD LOVE IT if we counted it all out. He would be the in in for a rude awakening.

 

Please run the numbers and do it nicely.

 

You'll regret doing your enzone dance prematurely.

[MuddyFootprints]

Part of the reason I took over grocery shopping was because he would always "pick up a few things" and bam, one or two hundred dollars later...! The worst part was that we'd never finish it and the food would be wasted. We have so much as it is. If you already have a well-stocked pantry and refrigerator, weekly grocery shopping rarely requires more than some meat, fresh vegetables, lemons (we're always running out of lemons!), cheese, and maybe a few spices. Occasionally you have to replenish expensive things like vanilla extract but it all evens out.

 

This past week we fixed bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers, kale gratin, a whole roasted cauliflower with mint chutney, tandoori chicken, coconut flatbread, and supplemented with some leftover spinach-artichoke meatballs over zucchini noodles. Groceries were $42 because we already had most of what we needed. I just had to pick up some vegetables, chicken thighs, and fresh herbs.

 

If you cook more, you spend less.

 

You supplemented your well-stocked pantry for $42. You didn't eat on a meal budget of $42 a week.

[lana-banana]

You supplemented your well-stocked pantry for $42. You didn't eat on a meal budget of $42 a week.

 

A well-stocked pantry is a fundamental part of being an adult.* It's like investing in mutual funds, or buying a home: there's a steep initial investment, but you end up saving money in the long run. When I was 23 and first starting out, I built up a pantry by buying one or two staples every two weeks. It's doable if you plan carefully. That's what the OP and her boyfriend should do: plan it all out. We do meal plans every week and do most of the prep work on Sunday to save time for later. A slow cooker helps save time and money as well.

 

But as others have said, this isn't really about grocery shopping. This is about feeling like both partners contribute equally. Write out all your debts, savings, and expenditures and then see where the chips fall. If you can't agree on an equitable balance of spending then you have a tough row to hoe.

 

 

* = granted, if you can afford to buy whatever every night and never cook, then by all means, but that doesn't seem to be where OP is at.