Issues with finances

[Wewon]

I do not hold back with my cash.

 

My ex earnt more than me. Contributed less.

 

Now to my mind when in a relationship you support each other. Its not a case of his rent or her rent but OUR rent. So if a car needs reapirs or something like that you pool what you both have to repair it. Not so with my ex. If his van broke down I had to handle other expenses on my own while he paid the bill. If my car broke down, so long sucker your on your own. When he brought his new van I covered house hold bills to cover some of it. When I needed a new car he paid from his savings then didn't pay anything towards household bills until it was paid back... See where I am going with this?

 

If we had pooled resources we would have both had savings in the bank and been able to do the things we wanted. As it was he left with savings and I was left near on bankrupt... Its not just guys who get taken for a ride financially and not just the one who earns more.

 

This guy is taking the tiddle and needs to either a. go or b. pull his damned finger out.

 

Your situation didn't sound very fair, but is this the same as the OPs?

 

She's concerned with groceries.

[GunslingerRoland]

Disagree here - unless you share ALL your hobbies and have completely similar preferences on everything (which isn't a realistic expectation IMO), lots of expenses are personal ones even when you live together. My personal expenses include food that I like but he doesn't, my clothes, accessories, books, games, computer equipment, work-related expenses, my personal days out by myself or with friends or family, gifts for other people, etc. I don't think 5% for personal expenses is a reasonable estimate unless you are on an extremely tight budget.

 

I mean, if people want to only have a joint account and no personal accounts whatsoever, that's a valid choice, but I don't think personal expenses are as minimal as you state.

 

I guess it depends on the situation with the personal expenses. My wife and I eat all the same food. Share all the same computer equipment and games. We do have separate days out, but it's a small portion of our overall entertainment budget. And every present we've given since we've lived together has been from both of us.

 

 

I guess it's different if you do the living together thing before you're engaged.

[No_Go]

How about:

-medical expenses

-prescription drugs

-lunch at work

-transportation to/from work

-clothes

-shoes

-personal cosmetics

These all are a significant expense and I don't see how they can be seamlessly pulled together.

 

I guess it depends on the situation with the personal expenses. My wife and I eat all the same food. Share all the same computer equipment and games. We do have separate days out, but it's a small portion of our overall entertainment budget. And every present we've given since we've lived together has been from both of us.

 

 

I guess it's different if you do the living together thing before you're engaged.

[No_Go]

Same experience for me. Every. single. time. I'm contributing more financially in one way or another than my partners. There was one that didn't contribute anything and would get angry if I don't pay for his 'entertainment' (e.g. going to a bar when he clearly knew I don't drink at all, but still expected me to foot the whole bill).

 

But budgeting helps. At least you see what comes from where.

 

I do not hold back with my cash.

 

My ex earnt more than me. Contributed less.

 

Now to my mind when in a relationship you support each other. Its not a case of his rent or her rent but OUR rent. So if a car needs reapirs or something like that you pool what you both have to repair it. Not so with my ex. If his van broke down I had to handle other expenses on my own while he paid the bill. If my car broke down, so long sucker your on your own. When he brought his new van I covered house hold bills to cover some of it. When I needed a new car he paid from his savings then didn't pay anything towards household bills until it was paid back... See where I am going with this?

 

If we had pooled resources we would have both had savings in the bank and been able to do the things we wanted. As it was he left with savings and I was left near on bankrupt... Its not just guys who get taken for a ride financially and not just the one who earns more.

 

This guy is taking the tiddle and needs to either a. go or b. pull his damned finger out.

[No_Go]

Actually recording the expense flow helps a lot. I start doing that for my current BF and me. It turned to be a little more equal than I expected.

 

It also helped me to figure out where I splurge on myself and put brakes on my own expenses. It is funny how people underestimate what they spend on themselves if they don't have a detailed itemized expense count. E.g. small things like coffee or soda bloat the food/drinks compartment significantly.

 

 

But nobody knows this until the numbers are in. That's why its best to address this without saying a string of things in a fit of unjustified righteousness.

 

Yes, he's adding to the food bill, but I doubt that he's having an impact on rent, and unless he's taking long showers or washing his car daily, water etc are negligible. That's the kind of angry speculation that the OP should avoid. What's worse is he might start doing it back, next time they go out to dinner does she want to hear him talking about gas and the price of things on the menu?

[Toodaloo]

Your situation didn't sound very fair, but is this the same as the OPs?

 

She's concerned with groceries.

 

That is how it starts.

 

If her relationship with this man were "fair" they would be spending time at each others homes, he would cook, she would cook... it would be along the 50/50 lines. As it is she is doing 85% and he very little...

[Els]

I guess it depends on the situation with the personal expenses. My wife and I eat all the same food. Share all the same computer equipment and games. We do have separate days out, but it's a small portion of our overall entertainment budget. And every present we've given since we've lived together has been from both of us.

 

 

I guess it's different if you do the living together thing before you're engaged.

 

I don't know, I guess I personally feel that regardless of marital status, it's important to maintain your own identity and hobbies. Most of the married folks I know have personal hobbies and other stuff that they spend their personal money on, too, and I fully intend to do that as well when I enter that phase of life. I can't imagine never reading a book that my SO doesn't read, never playing a game he doesn't play, never eating anything he doesn't, never buying clothes/shoes without him present and approving, never having lunch with coworkers, never doing anything he doesn't.

 

Different strokes for different folks, of course, but almost all of the living-together couples I know regardless of marital status have more personal expenses than 5%.

[Shining One]

Actually recording the expense flow helps a lot. I start doing that for my current BF and me. It turned to be a little more equal than I expected.

This is the point I was trying to make. Feelings are not always accurate, but the numbers speak the truth.

 

Whenever I feel I'm being treated unfairly, my first step is to validate that those feelings are accurate. Quite often, they are not and I save my partner from dealing with a problem that was only in my head.

[Emilia]

It isn't just about whether your costs have gone up. Being with someone is supposed to add to your life, it's supposed to make your life easier. One is sharing of costs, not all tangible but some you both benefit from. I have a water meter so clearly if he showers at my place 6 days a week, it will greatly increase usage from current. Especially with laundry. Food is double (I cook from fresh so throw very little away, portions would double). If he likes heating/lights on more than I do, that's more too. I do my own washing up by hand but for two probably the dish washer.

 

My point is, a considerate person who is ideal for an LTR will add rather than become additional burden. Clearly the same applies when you go out, no question.

 

It's about consideration and not taking for granted the other person's resources they have worked for. I can't imagine just rocking up and taking things for granted.

 

As for shared accounts, I don't agree. I think opening A shared account that you both put money into to pay shared cost is a good idea. Having your own money for your own expenses is important though. I'd say being your own person and having your own identity is very important even in a marriage

[lino]

If you're cooking his food 6 days a week and buying all the groceries, then ask him to contribute.

 

If you're renting/own a place, who pays the rent or mortgage? If he's footing that entire expense then it's fair you buy the groceries and then some!

If that isn't the case, then suggest to him what I wrote above.

 

 

I really don't think it is right to expect someone to pay half if you are making 45% more than they are salary wise.

 

Perhaps date men in your own earning bracket then? Or poorer guys than you? That isn't illegal as far as I know.

 

 

Also very worthy to note is that when guys come on here with topics about expenses, who pays, etc and break down the finances of their relationship - they're told more often than not that doing all that counting of who spends how many dollars on what takes all the romance out of the relationship, feels more like a transaction, etc.

Interesting that the keeping tabs on expenses in this thread is not only not shamed, but in fact encouraged.

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