I have this problem

[Arthur]

I started going out with a very nice girl 2 months ago, Things were going well, and one day I found out that she was sleeping with her ex for the first month of our relationship, and then she stopped once we became sexual. I broke up with her because I believe that is cheating. She claims that it is not since, she did not know me well in the beginning and was still with her ex sexually, but I feel like i have been deceived and fooled, and I am disgusted by her. Am I wrong? Should I have stayed with her?

[clia]

Let me ask you a question. On your first date with this girl, did you two decide to have a committed relationship from then on out? Probably not, right?

 

Some folks on this board may disagree with me, but I think both parties are free to date other people until they agree to have a committed relationship. (Of course, many people don't want to date anyone else once they meet someone they really like. Other people like to keep their options open, so that if the relationship doesn't work out they have 'back-up' options and don't fall into the pits of depression.) Was she referring to you as her boyfriend during that first month? Were you referring to her as your girlfriend? In my experiences, those terms generally don't come out during the first month, which I think of as the 'get to know you' phase.

 

If you didn't agree to a committed relationship or never had that discussion, then technically she didn't cheat on you, at least in my opinion. You can't cheat on someone who you aren't committed to. You have every right to be upset because I'm sure she hurt your feelings, but you really had no claim to her. Now, if I'm wrong and the two of you were declaring your love on a daily basis, then you should be angry. (I think if the word 'love' comes into play you can be pretty sure you're in a committed relationship. But then again, you never know with some people.)

 

Did you do the right thing by breaking up with her? I have no idea without knowing more about your relationship. But I don't believe she cheated on you, especially since she cut off her ex when she started sleeping with you. (Which to most girls, starts to imply commitment, wrong as that may be.) Why she told you about this is beyond me. It really wasn't any of your business. (And if you found out through other means, it still wasn't your business.) That was obviously her mistake. If she cut the other guy off, then it's clear that she chose you over him. And you dumped her for it.

[Tony T]

You aren't wrong to feel any way you want. But a lot of people stay horny all the time and often continue sleeping with their ex's until something new is lined up.

 

She had no obligation whatsoever to you in the initial weeks of your dating experience with her and she was free to have sex with whomever she wanted. Until she has a committment with you, she is still free to do whatever she wants.

 

If I were you, the reason I would break up with her is for her indiscretion. You can screw somebody all day long without others finding out. The fact that this information leaked out shows she has no class...or her ex has no class and she has no good judgement.

 

But breaking up with her because she did something she had every right to do is something that most rational people would not do. I do understand why you would feel sort of weird about this but a lot of ladies won't release one guy totally until the next is for sure.

 

Again, you are free to do whatever you want...just like she was and still is.

 

Happy hunting.

[sparkle]

Think back to when you started going out. Did you two decide that you two were going to be committed to each other? If you didn't actually discuss that, and just assumed that you were the only guy she was seeing, you can't blame her for what she did. If you two didn't agree upon not sleeping with other people, then it's completely okay for her to do what she did. Now it's up to you to decide if you like her enough to put this behind you or not.

 

Now if she lied to you, that's a different story. You have a right to be upset, and you should move on. You can find a better chick.

 

You gotta get these things out in the open and discuss them before getting too deep into a relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Laurynn]

She sounds like a little skank who's looking to make excuses for her behavior.

 

Sure, you two maybe weren't realllllly serious that first month, still getting to know each other......but then she should have had the decency and respect for you, to let you know that she was still screwing around with her ex....then YOU could have made the decision then and there, whether you still wanted to see someone who was boinking around with someone else.

 

I say you did the right thing. Sounds like she has the potential to be a) a liar...b) a cheat

 

L