rockinrollin Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 i have a pretty big issue and I’m terrified about what I should do. I am newly married. My husband does very well for himself, but he’s in the oil industry and layoffs are happening daily. He is constantly worrying he will be laid off. We have very little in the bank (except in his retirement account) and we have 2 car notes and about 20k in debt. I have a great paying job, but it has started to cause issues in our marriage. I took the job after we got married and I have not given 100 percent because honestly, my husband has been holding me back. He gets jealous of my time with anyone other than him. Recently, I was told (heavily suggested) that I should travel with my CEOs to one of their big events out of state. The event itself will be filed with successful men, whom my husband is extremely threatened and jealous of. He will either want to go with me to this event of demand that I don’t go at all. Yesterday, my female colleague asked me to go to happy hour to meet with our CEO to go over a few projects. My husband dislikes this man greatly. (He is a bit of a pig). I passed on the happy hour as I have done several times now and I can tell that it’s starting to cause tension between me and the “rest of the crew”. When I told my husband he became very upset and told me that he can’t allow happy hours and if that’s required of my job, I need to hand in my resignation ASAP. I let him cool down and I haven’t brought it up since. At this moment, he’s on a job interview because of HIS fears of unemployment and he is causing me so many work problems (distracting me) that I am worried I will end up without a job soon, too. I have tried to explain this to him and he doesn’t take it well. He says that I am a married woman and men (bosses) should know that he should be invited to happy hours/trips with me…or I shouldn’t be expected to go. He tells me that he thinks that “I” really want to go and “flirt” and I just don’t know how to be a “normal” wife. The other issue is I have 2 male clients that have invited me to lunch to talk about further expansion. I have lost both of their business now because I know that my husband won’t tolerate lunch with another guy. I can’t avoid telling him because he is on my every move. If I don’t text back within 5 minutes, he will start calling immediately. This goes for women too. He doesn’t even want me going out with my girlfriends for happy hour unless he’s there. I have lost a lot of contacts because of this. Another issue: He likes to drive me everywhere (including work). He drops me off and picks me up and my bosses have seen this time and time again. I told him the other day that I was worried that they will think I have a DUI or something…since I am never seen driving my own car. He told me that I am overreacting and my bosses need to get used to the fact that he will always be by my side. I grew up extremely independent and my gut tells me my image is seriously tarnished here…but maybe he’s right? Maybe I’m overreacting and I need to embrace him more? Bottom line, I’m nervous that we are going to be without money soon. He keeps suggesting we go into business together and says that’s the way it should be…we should always be together and no one should wonder if we are married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Your husband is a controlling Neanderthal. He's so insecure and thinks so little of you and women in general that he thinks they can't say no if a work jerk gets fresh. I don't know what to tell you except that these work things are all normal, and your husband is not. But it does sound like you will have to choose. If it's a good job, I know which I'd choose. If it's not, well....you probably won't ever have one with him being that controlling and ridiculous. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 This level of control freakery is abusive and dangerous. I would run as fast and as far from this man as possible. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 This level of control freakery is abusive and dangerous. *I would run as fast and as far from this man as possible. *So would I. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Maybe the two threads on this topic could be merged by mods? Would make it easier to follow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 If your husband doesn't have the trust in you that he knows you can go to work without having an affair you don't have much of a marriage. If your husband won't go to MC with you to work on his issue, go see a family lawyer about a divorce because if you don't you will end up seeing a bankruptcy attorney. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 This is the 21st century and women have it hard enough as it is..without a controlling jealous husband. If you tolerate this ...it will only get worse. You won't be taken seriously in the workplace and his comment about having him on overnights is sexist. If a man can go without his wife...then the same should apply the other way round. Soon he'll be telling you what to wear and how to talk. Has a previous partner cheated on him? There must be a reason for his insecurity..or perhaps he's projecting his own behaviour on you... wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Perhaps he's cheated and he thinks you will too. Put a STOP to this nonsense or cut loose. He either trusts you to be faithful or you part. If you resign over this... you will be at his mercy and he gets to control you even more. Don't let that happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 sorry to say it but your hubby needs psychological attention . you need dear to face him and tell him he either trust u or not , nothing in between 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 he can’t allow That did it for me. In the real world, women work, and in the real world, sometimes jobs require some travel and some socializing. I'd be interested to know where he got these controlling ideas. cause he's wrong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I would ask you...have you ever given your new husband reason to distrust you? Have you ever cheated in any way? Then my next question is...has HE ever cheated?I ask this not because I think you have...but it might explain his insecurity,...and that's exactly what he is. Totally insecure of your relationship...of his job...of his ability to provide for you. My husband travels 50% of the time.....and when he travels...he goes to happy hour and dinners with co workers. He rarely goes to dinner with anyone when he is in town....and if he is required to...I go with him. You don't say what kind of business you are in...but I am curious why you would be required to attend happy hours. Company dinners....yes.....but just happy hours kind of seems off kilter to me..... My job does not require travel or fraternizing after hours.....but if it did....I would get another job.....only because i know it would make my husband very uncomfortable. But he has a reason to feel this way....I had an affair many years ago. You really need to discuss this with your husband and listen to his needs and his reasons.....and be open minded about his answers. Then you have to decide what is best for your marriage. I am sorry you are in this position...I know it is difficult. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I'm pretty sure I remember you posting the same stuff under a different name a few months ago. Were you expecting different answers this time? Why are you with this controlling, abusive, crazy man? There do not appear to be any good things about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Every time a guy like this lets you out of the cage, it's only every to put you in a smaller one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rockinrollin Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 I have not cheated on him. However, when we were dating he went through my phone and found I was texting w a guy and it was flirtatious between both of us. We had just had a big fight and I was feeling like testing the water and he found that. He cites that all the time as the reason he can't trust me. Also I met with a guy for work for a drink. It was strictly business but he felt that I was cheating since I didn't tell him. I hadn't told him because I knew he would "not tolerate" it. Yes he has been cheated on before. And I believe he had an affair on his first wife. He only admits it was an emotional affair. But, he left his wife and was in relationship with that woman for 2 years when she cheated on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Thank you for answering.....and NOW you can see exactly WHY he feels the way he does...Right? He has history....cheating damages a persons perspective sometimes. I can totally understand his insecurities. Now the issue becomes....how do you help him to feel safer? what can you do to help him to trust you? You have to address these issues with him and you have to be open minded enough....to help him through this. I know it is stressful for you....but this could truly break up your marriage so the decisions you make are extremely important. He is scared.....you know he is....and now...so are you Smothering you is not right....but it is understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 What you did through text while you were dating was deceitful and wrong, but if he is still using that to excuse his behavior while you are married, he need some help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rockinrollin Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 So I shouldn't travel? The problem is even if I bring him he wants to be in all meetings with men. Which makes me feel so weak and odd with my co workers. I try to calm him and assure him. But I need to be able to work. He consistently texts. Calls. Throws fits. And he says I am impossible. The other night when we were arguing about this he said I looked angry. Then he said "I hate looking at that face". He says I am never looking happy and he can't stand it. Interesting that was his complaint about his ex. He said she was angry all the time or quiet. He is just the type that feels if someone isn't all over him or praising him ...they aren't happy. I had sex with him twice in one day last week. 2 days later he told me I was still cold and "detached" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Thank you for answering.....and NOW you can see exactly WHY he feels the way he does...Right? He has history....cheating damages a persons perspective sometimes. I can totally understand his insecurities. Now the issue becomes....how do you help him to feel safer? what can you do to help him to trust you? You have to address these issues with him and you have to be open minded enough....to help him through this. I know it is stressful for you....but this could truly break up your marriage so the decisions you make are extremely important. He is scared.....you know he is....and now...so are you Smothering you is not right....but it is understandable. Come on. Insecurity I understand (especially considering the fact that her husband himself was a cheater), but this takes it to a psychotic level. She's not allowed to communicate with anyone but her husband outside or work? Or at work? Or anywhere? I've been cheated on. It sucks. But his behavior is definitely not excusable. Frankly this guy sounds like he's out of his mind and I worry for OPs physical safety. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I very much disagree with Mrs. John Adams. This man has disturbing levels of jealousy and insecurity. It is now affecting not only your emotional well-being but also your career, OP. It is not excusable or understandable, especially given that your husband chose to marry you even after knowing you'd texted someone else while dating. He should not be using that as a weapon against you now. Sorry, but I would not tolerate one more minute of this. It is emotional abuse and it will get much worse if you don't put a stop to it immediately. Yup, he will freak out. Let him throw a tantrum. You do not deserve this. My ex-boyfriend was very similar to your husband. He was a jealous monster, to be blunt. I had done nothing to warrant his morbid jealousy (look this up, if you are unfamiliar with the term) He would literally look for things to twist around and justify his awful and controlling behaviour. I simply couldn't tolerate anymore. Thank heavens I got out when I did. Be strong and lay down your boundaries now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Come on. Insecurity I understand (especially considering the fact that her husband himself was a cheater), but this takes it to a psychotic level. She's not allowed to communicate with anyone but her husband outside or work? Or at work? Or anywhere? I've been cheated on. It sucks. But his behavior is definitely not excusable. Frankly this guy sounds like he's out of his mind and I worry for OPs physical safety. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Suggesting his behaviour is somehow understandable is, simply-put, absurd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I did not say his behavior was acceptable...or right. I said it is understandable and she has to help him feel safe....and any decisions she makes could break up her marriage. Is she is smothered to the point she has to choose between her husband and her job? That's her call. He is a cheater...he was married to a cheater...and his present wife has stepped over his line by texting with other men and going out for drinks with them. He is insecure...he is jealous.... Does he need help....absolutely..... Is this going to be an easy fix? Nope........ Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I did not say his behavior was acceptable...or right. I said it is understandable and she has to help him feel safe....and any decisions she makes could break up her marriage. Is she is smothered to the point she has to choose between her husband and her job? That's her call. He is a cheater...he was married to a cheater...and his present wife has stepped over his line by texting with other men and going out for drinks with them. He is insecure...he is jealous.... Does he need help....absolutely..... Is this going to be an easy fix? Nope........ I hope she DOES break up this terrible marriage! Her husband is scary and he's liable to end up following in OJ's footsteps. I usually agree with your posts Mrs JA but definitely not this time. His insecurities are not just a nuisance, they are literally ruining this woman's life. I know from your posts that you are open about the fact that you committed infidelity in your marriage and that you have since atoned for it and that you're staunchly anti-affair (as am I). But if your husband pestered you at work to the point where you were on the verge of getting fired, refused to allow you to have ANY friends or work acquaintances, called you names, and controlled every aspect of your life afterwards, would your reconciliation have been possible? Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 So I shouldn't travel? The problem is even if I bring him he wants to be in all meetings with men. Which makes me feel so weak and odd with my co workers. I try to calm him and assure him. But I need to be able to work. He consistently texts. Calls. Throws fits. And he says I am impossible. The other night when we were arguing about this he said I looked angry. Then he said "I hate looking at that face". He says I am never looking happy and he can't stand it. Interesting that was his complaint about his ex. He said she was angry all the time or quiet. He is just the type that feels if someone isn't all over him or praising him ...they aren't happy. I had sex with him twice in one day last week. 2 days later he told me I was still cold and "detached" I don't blame you if you are cold and detached..and I'm sure he treated his ex the same way he treats you so I don't blame her either. Your husband is an a-hole. Why are you with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I am newly married. My husband does very well for himself, but he’s in the oil industry and layoffs are happening daily. He is constantly worrying he will be laid off. We have very little in the bank (except in his retirement account) and we have 2 car notes and about 20k in debt. I have a great paying job, but it has started to cause issues in our marriage. Why the debt and nothing in the bank if you both are well-paid ??? I can’t avoid telling him because he is on my every move. If I don’t text back within 5 minutes, he will start calling immediately. This goes for women too. He doesn’t even want me going out with my girlfriends for happy hour unless he’s there. I have lost a lot of contacts because of this. Come on, you know this is neither normal nor healthy. Does your husband interact with female co-workers, clients or customers at his job? Given the history, has he ever wondered why you're not checking up on him 24 hours a day? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 This is the kind of guy who will end up beating you (or worse) for your perceived "disobediences". Please get out while you can, and for the love of God don't have children with this person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Get out now. He is showing signs of domestic violence. This is how the cycle of abuse starts. He criticised how you looked, this is a common emotional abuse tactic to destroy your self worth. Link to post Share on other sites
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