Cazbah Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) Hi guys been a long time lurker... Anyway I'm just wanting some other opinions on this - I've talked to friends but their opinions are pretty laid back. I was seeing this girl a few months ago and we were having a great time on our dates/hooking up on nights out. Fast forward a month and we went to the same festival together where a few red flags arose and that's pretty much when I decided that I wouldn't take this dating seriously and I downgraded her to fwb. The red flags were her getting completely smashed on day 3 of the festival and she passed out on one of my mates which I found pretty disrespectful (laying in his arms). We ended up going into the festival and she passed out in the tent by herself after throwing up for a bit. We got back after a few hours and found out she wasn't there. Turns out she woke up and went in to enjoy the last couple of hours of the festival by herself (red flag 2? I dunno didn't bother me a whole lot she had a boogie by herself she's pretty independent). Anyways after this festival (as I said I wasn't taking it seriously at this point) we kept hanging out and dating and it became quite serious. She asked me out and we became official - met the parents/grandparents etc etc. All this kind of crept up over the last month and it's just getting more serious than I expected. This is kind of double standards by me because I get pretty drunk myself but I feel my boundaries are a lot better but I don't like her behavior when she's drunk I find it flirtatious and a little disrespectful. Obviously I should be expecting this after the festival behavior but the fact that it's become serious I'm a little lost at what to do. I know i have to talk to her I just don't know how. It's a pretty relaxed relationship (enjoy each other's company, rarely a serious conversation, probably see each other 2 to 3 times a week mostly on nights out) Bit of background on her: 24, very outgoing and popular, great but a little dis functional family, studying, attractive, likes to party. - I'm her first BF Myself: 27, work full time, amazing family, pretty chilled but like to get drunk and have a boogie. - Been in a LTR before Edit: WOW sorry for the wall of text! Edited February 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Break up with her Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) What's the question you're asking? You seem to know exactly where you are, and exactly where she is at. You seems to sense that there is an incompatibility with you both, but you're not sure if you should address it. Simply put: Yes, you need to address it. You seem like a straight-up guy who is looking down-the-road and are wondering if she sees the same roadway. From the way you have described her, I don't think her maturity is where yours is, and that might be a big problem months from now. Just sit her down and have a chat. Ask her where she is at... Edited February 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 As you also participate in binge drinking, you're in no situation to judge her. She might be flirty when she's drunk, but if you're like most guys, you're probably a right pain in the arse when you're drunk. It all equals out in the wash. But if you really want to fix things, how about discussing with her the fact that you both drink unhealthily and could support each other getting it under control? Simple things like alternating water with alcohol can make a huge difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ferret Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Hi guys been a long time lurker... when I decided that I wouldn't take this dating seriously and I downgraded her to fwb. Did she know you "downgraded her" to just a bed buddy or was that something you kept quiet?...she sees you getting drunk so shes doing the same thing..IF she was just honestly a bed buddy at that point then you have no right to hold any of that agenst her imo cause you two were not a couple. Dose it maybe show a pattern of undesirable behavior for a LTR? sure but so is getting drunk all the time something you also do...End of the day you cant really take the morel high ground on this one I don't think .. So if your not really feeling the relationship then be honest with her and let her go and no don't just "down grade" her with out her knowledge.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I don't understand why you didn't end it with her after the festival. Why hang on? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Well, if your looking to salvage this, then you need to talk to her about her drinking. It seems that she loses all control when she drinks. And while you're at it, you need to look at your own usage. I mean, you said you like to get drunk. NOT, I like to drink. It reads like you don't drink to have a drink, but drink until drunk. And that's not good. So, you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Do I think she's cheating? No. I don't get that vibe. But, I do think she does inappropriate things when she drinks, and sooner or later she's going to take it too far. So, you need to get this addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cazbah Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 Solid advice, a lot better than the advice I got from my mates. To the person that asked if she knew we were just fwb, yes she was on the same page. We just kept seeing each other and became a lot closer after the festival and eventually became official. I suppose this does excuse her behavior at the festival because technically we were nothing (although general consensus/vibes at the camp site was that we were a thing). I know I have no moral high ground because I drink too much too. I feel I'm under better control and have more respectful boundaries though. Yeah I know I have to talk to her and I will; communicating isn't my strong point. Any advice on how I communicate this? Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 If she is a FWB, you have nothing to say. G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cazbah Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 If she is a FWB, you have nothing to say. G Was a fwb we've been official for 2 months Link to post Share on other sites
Ferret Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 \ I know I have no moral high ground because I drink too much too. I feel I'm under better control and have more respectful boundaries though. Yeah funny thing with drunks they always think this or some version of it..they always "have it under control" look im going to be honest with you just cause your not hooking up with girls when your drunk doesn't mean your a "better more moral drunk" then her..your prob just as annoying only thing is your not watching it your living it so you really cant see the full picture of how obnoxious most drunk people are... Was a fwb we've been official for 2 months Ok so then whats the issue? I don't get it..you have a prob with her solely cause of what happened at a festival before you two even got together? yeah it sounds like your not happy and just fishing for reasons to end it..just do it and let her be.. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I agree the pot calling the kettle black. If you want her drinking habits to change, guess what....yours has to too. A relationship is a partnership. Either you are in it together, or you may as well end it. You both need to sit down and discuss boundaries, and expectations so you both KNOW you are on the same same, because right now you both are just "assuming" which is destructive to a relationship. Since this is her first relationship, she is going to need to be shown the ropes in what is truly involved in the work that is needed to keep things on an even keel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sakib malla Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) Girls are selfish naturally we cannot believe over girls. you can do the test from this url and see what kind of she is Edited February 26, 2016 by sakib malla Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Solid advice, a lot better than the advice I got from my mates. To the person that asked if she knew we were just fwb, yes she was on the same page. We just kept seeing each other and became a lot closer after the festival and eventually became official. I suppose this does excuse her behavior at the festival because technically we were nothing (although general consensus/vibes at the camp site was that we were a thing). I know I have no moral high ground because I drink too much too. I feel I'm under better control and have more respectful boundaries though. Yeah I know I have to talk to her and I will; communicating isn't my strong point. Any advice on how I communicate this? Well, one thing you can do is when you sit her down and say that you need to talk to her. Bring it up that there's a problem you're both having that needs to be addressed. Tell her that her behavior bothered you when she was drinking. That she was getting too friendly with other while she was in that state. And throw some guilt your way too stating that you've been drinking too much and you need to calm it down. (this way you're not pointing a finger at her). Then, suggest that the two of you find activities to do together that doesn't involve drinking. And to be honest, girls like to do stuff like that. Like, getaway weekends to a B&B, or camping or touring museums. They like to have good memories. Now, if you do it this way; in a calm and non-confrontational way, she'll be more open to listen. And it's important to present the problem, address and recognize that there is a problem and come up with possible solutions to fix this problem. If you don't have some possible solutions to present to her, then it just seems like you're bitching at her and nothing will get done and possibly start a fight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 The question is whether or not the behavior she expressed at that festival has re appeared or happened during the time since then once you and her became official? If she hasn't done anything like that, been flirtatious, blacked out, drank to the point of getting sick, etc , then I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt for now and feel like she knows how to behave and show respect and control herself while in a relationship. If you see these things happen again, or they've happened already then you need to have a non dramatic yet serious conversation with her. Explain that you understand and want to have a good time and go out and party just like she does. However you also have standards with the person you're dating and don't want to have to worry if you go out together or if she goes out with her friends, that she'll be passed out drunk or high on a dude or a stranger or drinking to the point of getting sick, etc. You're gf should be someone who you never have to worry about disrespecting or embarrassing you even if she knows you're not there or will never find out. She should understand and tell you that she will stop or consciously make the effort to make you more comfortable and more importantly her own health and well being. I went to EDC in vegas when I was 24.... the girls I saw passed out on randoms, or outside the porta potty or trippin balls with the freaks... Isn't the girl you want to have as your gf and show off to your friends and family. So if she can't mature and stop that stuff, you need to cut things off because she's too immature and still in the phase of thinking nothing bad can happen to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cazbah Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 Thanks for the replies on communicating. QBoro90, i guess that last paragraph is what i am worried about. She has told me before she wants to work on her drinking she knows it's a problem but i haven't had an input... Going to think about everythign tonight and talk to her tomorrow, will report back Link to post Share on other sites
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