Confessed feelings to coworker

[redskywest]

Yes, I did it.

 

I'm married for the second time and have been for 8 years. For almost that entire time, I've worked with a woman who at first was married and annoyed me because she was always talking (we sit together). It got so bad that when my boss said we were moving, I suggested splitting us up if it was more expedient. Which apparently it was, and I went on to have one of my most productive years at work.

 

After that year, I found out she was divorced. I always thought she was very pretty and I realized then that I had been working hard not to like her, I'm a sucker for beauty. She had lost weight and was dressing more provocatively at work. Beyond that, she's also intelligent, as I found out when we were moved to another floor, and in the process back together physically again. She's never been the warmest person, but affectionate in an indirect way, with her gestures and her excitement for our conversation.

 

For the last 4 years we've gotten very close. She's often shared what it was like being a single mom and how her ex has been giving her grief, but recently she also started asking for advice about some of the guys she's dating. She's had a few things that looked interesting, but each time the guy has fallen short in some way, though they seem to always part friends. I've always tried to be fair and not get my own feelings involved, but it's gotten harder and harder to listen to this and at times I've even confessed how jealous I am that she handled something with the guy a certain way.

 

2 years ago I told her I had a crush on her. She seemed flattered (didn't say so, but acted so) but also seemed frightened and for a few weeks backed away, but shortly after she came back and we got even closer. We would frequently go to lunch together. At first she'd suggest having a friend of hers go along, but over time she stopped suggesting that.

 

I think about a year and a half ago it was that I knew I was falling, and hard. We were very intimate and there was frequent flirting. Or maybe it just seemed like flirting to me, but there was certainly mutual admiration. But it had become a rollercoaster. Some days she was incredibly warm, others chilly, but we seemed to manage to connect every day, providing each other nearly constant and intimate support. My wife, meanwhile, is obsessed with the first grandchild and frequently leaves to spend a week with her daughter each month. The obsession has put a strain on our relationship, or maybe it was the coworker...hmmm...either way, the coworker (Jean, I call her) and I have talked a lot about it. The wife and I also, but not as calmly...

 

We recently went on a business trip together and decided to make the same flight arrangements even though it was a conference and there were a number of travel options. We spent a fair amount of time together on the way to Europe, and quite a bit at times. She thought she might get an award that she didn't get, and we spent a long evening together talking about it, and the next day, and generally quite a lot of time together at the conference. We stayed after the conference and did some sightseeing together in the same group, even took a few walks together.

 

So it was killing me, finally. I couldn't stand it any more and had to know. And was willing to risk that it would end it.

 

After we got back from the trip I sent her an email and told her that a friend of mine who I said I would call "Fred" had feelings for her, however it was transparent I think that I was that friend. I also mentioned in the same email losing my wallet on the return trip, a fact she didn't know. It was significant because she did know about the cell phone I left in the airport on the way out.

 

I had to travel as soon as I got back, but I returned the following week to silence and a bit colder coworker. But in the 4 weeks since, there has been no mention of my email or my wallet, or whether I got my phone back. She has a few times talked to me about work, but that's it. Then recently she got warm and acted as if she wants to have things the way they were but only with the support on her work situation and ex. From my perspective, that isn't possible. This needs to get dealt with if she wants to be friends. If she wants more, we need to discuss that situation too. Am I open to that? Probably not, but friends discuss things, and I want a friend first even if it could be more some time.

 

Here's the thing--forget whether it was judicious to do this with a coworker or not, whether it was prudent to mention it, etc. That's done. Besides, I took a risk with her and I don't think it's a bad thing. But I am having a terrible time pretending it didn't happen. I'm very sad, very disappointed, very hurt. How can she let me lay my heart out and not at least ask what I meant (without going into detail, I made it a little more cryptic than I say above, on purpose)? If the friendship was important, why wouldn't she just give me some sort of response?

 

So this is what is driving me nuts. I was hoping for some sort of resolution and have none, but in the absence of a response or some direct communication about it, I have to let it go, which is probably the best of all possible worlds. I miss her terribly even though she sits across from me, but I won't go back the way it was, and I think she's being incredibly inconsiderate of our friendship after 8 years. How could she say nothing, risking throwing everything away? It seems to me if she valued the friendship she would want to reach an understanding. It seems to me she's either afraid and won't or doesn't care. I want to hurt her but know it's wrong and can't. But now I am questioning everything and wondering if to her this is just a game that has gone terribly wrong. And she probably thinks I'm inconsiderate. Maybe this was all an illusion, but I've been around the block a few times when it comes to love and relationships, and I am not often wrong about things like this. I certainly could be, but I don't think so. We were both actively doing whatever it was.

 

Opinions welcome. Sorry for the novel.

Edited February 26, 2016 by redskywest

[stillafool]

Why didn't you just ask her if she got your email and take it from there?

 

More than likely she doesn't want to get involved with a MM. She is obviously attracted but is smart enough to know it wouldn't work out well and you both will go through a hellish ride. If she were interested the way you are will you then divorce your wife for her? That's the bottom line.

[redskywest]

Thanks for the reply. I thought about what you said, and decided I would try...

 

 

Today I was IMing her kind of out of the blue about how I was frustrated finding plain old peanut butter at Trader Joe's. I wanted it to be as light as it could be. We went back and forth and at first she seemed a little brusque but she warmed up a little. She told me I was overthinking the experience and I told her I never do that, but I think she might also have been trying to tell me I was overthinking our relationship, and I certainly actually have done that.

 

 

Later I was kvetching about some other Trader Joe stuff and she said, twice, she was sorry it was such a bad experience for me. Hmmm. I said, well, it wasn't all bad, I found the apple pie, which was good. And then I said, and to be honest, I'm milking this topic to sustain a conversation with you because I miss talking to you and I don't want to be anything but friends but it has been very hard but now that some time has passed it seems a bit easier. I do think that is so now that I've come here to LS and unburdened myself of the experience and thought about it, which I had to do in order to summarize it, in the process realizing that I was taking it all too seriously.

 

But my honesty got no response. Nothing at all, just like all the other times I've tried to really level with her.

 

 

I am thinking this is a lost cause and only an idiot beats his head against a wall to try to get through it. Maybe someday this will change, but it doesn't appear so. I don't want friends that can't or won't discuss the elephant in the room. It sure hurts to be in love with one.

 

 

It occurred to me that maybe she doesn't trust what I'm saying and only time could prove it, but I would at least like to try to understand her, which I can't do under the current circumstance of her complete silence. I've now done what I can do.

Edited February 26, 2016 by redskywest
reword

[BC1980]

I'm sure she is extremely uncomfortable because you are a MM and also were her friend. I don't know how I would even respond myself if I were in a similar situation. Your relationship with her might be severed because of this. Sometimes, that's the risk you take when you spill feelings about someone. Did you consider that she might have lost respect for you because you are married, and she thinks you want to pursue an affair?

[frigginlost]

You do realize you are trying to have an emotional affair with this woman, right?

 

If not, she does.

 

Sounds to me that she has become wise to what is happening. You should as well...

[redskywest]

When I told her about "Fred's" feelings, I mentioned that they were inappropriate. But maybe that was a wake up call that things were getting dangerous. What I especially don't understand is the resentment, but maybe she's in the same place I am thinking that the other isn't who we thought or hoped.

 

What I find puzzling is that it was Ok to bitch about her review to me Monday for almost an hour and accept my support, all discussion initiated by her, BTW. I haven't been volunteering anything about my life or struggles, which may hurt her, IDK. Yes, we have been in an emotional affair for some time, but maybe my original confession brought it home especially clearly. There definitely seems to be a lot of ambivalence for both of us. The bad parts of that ambivalence are something to breathe a sigh of relief about.

 

It's especially difficult in my sweet little hopeful heart not to be encouraged/feel vindicated that she seems at least a little angry.

[Qboro90]

You are giving yourself to much credit for the email you sent her including "Fred".

 

I think you need to take into consideration the possibility that this woman is completely confused and lost when it comes to certain things you say, or the innuendo that you think she's following along with or inviting, and that's the reason you're not getting the issue dealt with in your interactions.

 

If you truly do care and have feelings for this woman then she very well could have felt insulted and embarrassed that after all you did during that business trip, you couldn't even man up enough to explain your feelings in that email in the first person. Instead you took a pretty middle school approach that is definitely not appropriate nor attractive at your age where you basically said "so I have a friend, this guy Fred... He likes you but he has a girlfriend and he knows he shouldn't cheat on her... But he asked me to ask you if you possibly have feelings for him to... Fred says hi by the way".

 

Can you see how that's not exactly what a woman wants to read or see or address... Especially from a married coworker?!

 

She doesn't owe you an explanation or need to explain or address your email to her because you didn't do anything that showed her maturity or the ability to be anything but a huge risk and unknown. If you truly cared about her and wanted her in your life then you would be able (or at least force yourself) to talk to and tell her these things in person. Privately as well, not in the area of your office or around colleagues.

 

You shouldn't take pride in the subterfuge of a sly email and saying things as if you're narrating a story. This is a serious topic that deserves directness especially from the guy who is married and initiating it.

 

Lastly, you're reading into your convos with her at work too much. Your conversation about peanut butter from Trader Joes was NOT a metaphor or anything close to a reference about where she stands in this situation or her feelings towards you. That is way too in depth and not likely something she is trying to convey at all.

 

So lastly... If you want to get an answer and have this woman truly know your feelings... Then give her the courtesy and respect to tell her face to face directly. With no underlying meaning, or requirement for her to read between the lines or address you as Fred. Just be honest with this woman and also be prepared to explain to her how you suggest going about being with her romantically while you are still married . If you don't have an answer for her and just want her to sneak around with you while doing nothing to make her a priority then don't be surprised when she deflects the conversation and requests you just stay friends and that's it.

[RRM321]

IMHO you've targeted and subsequently been manipulating her with the explicit intent of having an affair. (Your wife is barley an after thought in this story.)

 

That she has not responded to "Fred" and turned cooler toward you suggests she's a lot smarter than you would credit. I hope she can sustain that clarity.

 

I think if she continues the friendship with you knowing that you are on the prowl - she does so at her own serious peril.

 

Friends don't let friends erode their boundaries.

Resentment, oh yes. I'd be insulted if someone suggested I settle for some small fraction of a relationship and be the little sumpin' on the side. She has already done the work of getting a divorce - I don't see why she'd want to get wrapped up in yours? She thought you were her friend, and instead you've cornered her.

Edited February 27, 2016 by RRM321

[spiderowl]

I don't know how she feels about you. She obviously did enjoy your friendship and company. However, the elephant in the room is that you are married! Whatever she thought or felt about you, she is not going to pursue anything with you while you are still with your wife.

 

Think about it ... married co-workers tells you he loves you. You wonder what his wife would think. You can't get involved with him while he is married. If he leaves it could be a long way off and there is a whole load of hurt and divorce ahead that she may not want to be connected to. Is he intending to stay with his wife? Does he just want an affair? Could he be embarrassed and regretting what he said? Perhaps he was just drunk? There could be a million reasons why she has not responded but I would not assume it is because she doesn't care.

 

If you are not happy with your wife, then maybe you should leave, or is this just a dalliance, a time to play with an exciting friend while mummy 'wife' looks after the house and kitchen? You need to think what you really want to do now. A guy who is married and flirts a bit is OK, but one who would take it further is a potential adulterer. Most women would be very wary of getting involved with someone who is not clearly separated and established in a single life.

 

All that said, I am sorry you are hurt. Your feelings are clearly genuine and this is bound to be very painful for you. Let her think about this and you reflect too on what you really want. Your fascination for this woman seems to taken over.

[redskywest]

Thanks for the thought-provoking replies. Before responding, I had to think through what were my real intentions in revealing my feelings, and I really think it was that reason won out over my passion in the end. First, I should point out that I had no intention of getting into this position--it evolved as we became friends and in the end my feelings just got too great for me to ignore. Other than showing through actions that she seems to find my company and conversation at least acceptable and probably much more, she has never complimented me or encouraged me in any way, with the possible exception of some flirting. In fact, before I approached her, I virtually knew she probably didn't share my feelings, or not to the same extent if she did. As I mentioned before, if she does share them, I would like to know and we could deal with that together with what I thought was a solid friendship. Likewise I thought our friendship could withstand my informing her of the situation as it really is. Now I am beginning to think I may have overestimated what the friendship means to her; it may mean a lot more to me. After all, the sharing she has initiated over the years, much greater on her side than on mine, may have resulted in my knowing her considerably better than she knows me.

 

I agree with all who say it is wrong to act, and at another time in my life I might have acted. But I have been very careful not to make any overtures. And "Fred" was created to enable me to deny charges that I was making unwanted advances. One could argue against that approach, but it just wasn't possible to get her alone anywhere that I could have told her in person.

 

So I think what I am saying is that I knew the best outcome is we remain friends with this information made explicit. There was never any intention that I would leave my wife or have an affair. And if she can't handle the idea that I have feelings (not want to sleep with her, not want to run away with her) and still be friends, at least we are both seeing it for what it is.

 

I still have hope that we can remain friends and possibly be better friends as a result. But I just couldn't go on the way it was, and to me it isn't a true friendship if she doesn't know.

[spiderowl]

By saying 'Fred' wants all this, you are disowning it and almost 'playing'. Semi-serious. She probably feels confused and as you are married thinks you just want to play. Maybe this is why she is being more remote.