Crush recently separated from his wife [updated]

[pepsimax]

Hi

 

I need advice...would appreciate hearing from guys that are separated from their wives.

4 years ago i met this guy and we became very close. He was always there when i needed advice or help. We didnt have an affair...just one time he touched me in the intimate place but i fell in love with him and he knew it. A year ago his wife made him cut contact with me. On Thursday our mutual friend calls me if i want to go out with him and the crush. The crush told him to invite me. I was shocked and agreed to meet with them. Turns out that he decided to leave his wife. On Friday my dream of going on a date with him came true. He invited me to a movie. At the movie he started touching me. My heart nearly had a heart attack each time. I have a chance now of being with him and i dont want to mess it up. If i sleep with him will he disrespect me? How should i act towards him? Also, i know he his hurting now..he was with her for like 16 years and they have 2 children. He doesnt want to get back together with her and his parents support him on that. I want him but not just for sex.

Thanks

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm not a man but I say WAIT. As someone just getting out of a marriage he is going to probably want to date and sleep around for a while. Wait until his divorce is finalized and then give him some time- that is if you truly want to have a chance at some thing real with him.

 

Many many years ago I dated a friend while he was going through a divorce. I knew for sure he wasn't going back to her. But he'd been with her from 19-29 and didn't know anything but her. So I helped him get a new place, new clothes, independence. Etc. basically I was the transitional girl. It sucked. He ended up wanting to date more so we broke up. He met someone a month after and married her a few years later. The moral of my story: never be the transitional girl.

[VeveCakes]

How long have they been broken up?

 

What's the living arrangement?

Do not sleep with him until you are in a committed relationship - that's the best advice I can give.

[privategal]

Oh god. Red...flags...everywhere.

Seperated/divorced are 2 VERY different things.

He wants some easy sex then likely back home.

Even if hes divorcing for good..you are the rebound...gotta be kidding...he didnt want to talk...get to know you more...go anywhere other than movie where you could talk?

Nope..skip the gentleman behavior...has his friend reach you (ie. Still hiding contact from wife) and right to a dark theater to get in your pants. He wants to sew some wild oats and you were the sure easy bet to get him back on the horse. Don't accept this. Hes going to break your heart BAD.

[whichwayisup]

Hi

 

I need advice...would appreciate hearing from guys that are separated from their wives.

4 years ago i met this guy and we became very close. He was always there when i needed advice or help. We didnt have an affair...just one time he touched me in the intimate place but i fell in love with him and he knew it. A year ago his wife made him cut contact with me. On Thursday our mutual friend calls me if i want to go out with him and the crush. The crush told him to invite me. I was shocked and agreed to meet with them. Turns out that he decided to leave his wife. On Friday my dream of going on a date with him came true. He invited me to a movie. At the movie he started touching me. My heart nearly had a heart attack each time. I have a chance now of being with him and i dont want to mess it up. If i sleep with him will he disrespect me? How should i act towards him? Also, i know he his hurting now..he was with her for like 16 years and they have 2 children. He doesnt want to get back together with her and his parents support him on that. I want him but not just for sex.

Thanks

 

He's after sex. Sorry but this man doesn't respect you, he isn't in love with you. If he truly 'cares' then he will wait and not push sex on you, he'll actually take you out on a real date, not grope you in a movie theater!

 

This man has been married for a long time and has children so I highly doubt he's divorcing, not enough time has gone by for it to be set in stone that their marriage is over.

[pepsimax]

First i appreciate the responses. When he was forbidden by his wife to have contact with me he deleted my number. He asked our friend for my number after we went out together. The following day he himself contacted me.

We used to work together for 6 months about 4 yrs ago and remained good friends. I have always wanted to go back and work there. Today, i was surprised to get a text from him to tell me to send my cv asap to our previous boss....it is a huge bank and they move departments. He knows i have wanted to work there again. I was shocked.

[Ms. Faust]

That first relationship during and after divorces can be very volatile. I would proceed with caution.

 

Since he has kids I wouldn't touch him with 10 ft. pole until divorce proceedings are done.

[SoleMate]

Yeah, wait for the signed decree. Plenty of time for him to feel you up in a movie theater AFTER the "divorce" is final.

[pepsimax]

First of all someone wrote that he took me to a movie instead of talking and getting to know me better. But we have known each other for 4 years and 3 of those years we were very close...he knows basically everything about me and reads me like a book...so we have done plenty of talking. He also knows that I have strong feelings for him and that i am very attracted to him.

But you guys were right to take it slow as I am writing now with a broken heart. We didn't have sex or anything but today we met at his work (I had a meeting there) and he told me that yesterday he went with his wife to divorce mediation (i think it is pretty fast since he only moved out last Sunday) as he wanted to get it over with quickly but she insists they go to therapy. I asked him if that is what he wants (they don't have stupid silly fights but huge fights as they don't see eye to eye on many things and don't get along according to him) so he said that he has no choice. He was also at their house till late every day this week coz of the children..he says they are confused..i think he is confused. He told me that he still hasn't moved back in and he will see what will happen after therapy.

So anyways, after having hope of a chance of being with him after 4 years...it all came crashing down today. I have never felt this way about any guy I have dated (and i was married). First time I have felt this way about a married guy and last time!

[whichwayisup]

NOBODY can just up and leave, get a quickie divorce and then move on with someone else so quickly. Sorry Pep, but the expectations and hope you have that you will end up with him is naive. This man has a history with his wife and they have kids together so no way he is just gonna up and run to you. His actions now are showing this. Don't try to compete with his family aka the kids. If he stays and doesn't divorce, respect that and leave him be. I hope you are able to let him go.

[lemondrop21]

First of all someone wrote that he took me to a movie instead of talking and getting to know me better. But we have known each other for 4 years and 3 of those years we were very close...he knows basically everything about me and reads me like a book...so we have done plenty of talking. He also knows that I have strong feelings for him and that i am very attracted to him.

But you guys were right to take it slow as I am writing now with a broken heart. We didn't have sex or anything but today we met at his work (I had a meeting there) and he told me that yesterday he went with his wife to divorce mediation (i think it is pretty fast since he only moved out last Sunday) as he wanted to get it over with quickly but she insists they go to therapy. I asked him if that is what he wants (they don't have stupid silly fights but huge fights as they don't see eye to eye on many things and don't get along according to him) so he said that he has no choice. He was also at their house till late every day this week coz of the children..he says they are confused..i think he is confused. He told me that he still hasn't moved back in and he will see what will happen after therapy.

So anyways, after having hope of a chance of being with him after 4 years...it all came crashing down today. I have never felt this way about any guy I have dated (and i was married). First time I have felt this way about a married guy and last time!

 

Step away and let him do the therapy. Personally I think that when someone goes into therapy with the attitude that they "have no choice," it's not going to work. But who knows.

 

Anyway if he feels he needs to do this for whatever reason, it's your only chance for a way forward. ExMM and his wife did individual therapy to work on things that contributed to the poor quality of their marriage, on both ends. Unfortunately exMM made the poor choice of continuing the affair with me during this time. Since that basically invalidated the therapy, he now feels like he has to "give his marriage a chance" AGAIN. If he had fully committed to the therapy the first time around, he might very well have had clarity by now, and my life would be much further along.

[pepsimax]

Step away and let him do the therapy. Personally I think that when someone goes into therapy with the attitude that they "have no choice," it's not going to work. But who knows.

 

Anyway if he feels he needs to do this for whatever reason, it's your only chance for a way forward. ExMM and his wife did individual therapy to work on things that contributed to the poor quality of their marriage, on both ends. Unfortunately exMM made the poor choice of continuing the affair with me during this time. Since that basically invalidated the therapy, he now feels like he has to "give his marriage a chance" AGAIN. If he had fully committed to the therapy the first time around, he might very well have had clarity by now, and my life would be much further along.

 

What you mean by it is my chance to move forward? Do you mean find someone else? It will take me some time as I am in love with him although we didn't have a relationship.

 

He told me that until he knows what is going to happen we can't meet. He isn't the kind of guy that is looking to cheat on his wife. I asked him twice if therapy is what he wanted..both times he said that he has no choice. But I know like you guys wrote here that he isn't emotionally available and i would have been the rebound (although we have been friends for years and good ones at that) and ended up getting hurt. This way as I see it if he gives his marriage a chance and does eventually leave he won't be as confused and upset as he is now. He is also spending hours at their house. He claims it is coz of his children...don't know if I believe that although I know what a great dad he is. I am thinking maybe he is there coz he wants to be near his wife but then I say to myself if that was the case he wouldn't have left her in the first place. I don't know.

I have been in love with him for 4 years. This is hard. Luckily, we didn't go all the way. Thanks for taking the time to read and for answering.

[RySant]

Thank you for doing the right thing, and thank that MM for not doing anything (yet), and with that I am not sure why this is posted in he "Other Woman" Section when technically, you're not yet the Other Woman.

 

I just hope that everything will go well, for you, him, his wife and their kids.

[pepsimax]

Hi,

 

I wrote about my situation about a week ago. I will write again with more information and i am sorry for the length:

 

4 years ago i met this guy at work and we became very close. He interviewed me and we had an immediate connection (he wasn't my supervisor or anything). Some girl used to always tell us that we look like we are in love.

We went to work together (we live near one another) and we were always together. After I left i went to work in another company right near his work and we continued to go to work together and go for lunch everyday (usually with other people). We were in contact also after work hours and sometimes met at a local bar with another mutual male friend. It got to the point where on the way home we watched sometimes porn together and twice he fingered me but put an end to it.

I had a problem with one of the neighbours one weekend and he came for a few minutes to see that i was fine. Also, we went to audition for the Amazing Race. If I needed advice i always asked him.

 

This friendship went on for 3 years. His wife never liked our relationship and I don't blame her. I have never ever felt this way about any guy. I just love him. Never had feelings for someone in a relationship and hopefully this is the last time.

Last year, after his wife found out that when he went out I also came along she made him cut contact with me. So, on the 5th of October 2014 it came to an end. I used to see him at work during lunch but he kind of ignored me. I sent him an email once and he replied that he didn't end the friendship coz i did something bad..he wrote..on the contrary there is nobody like you. Also our friend told me that he likes my personality.

 

Anyways, on the 14th of January our mutual friend calls me up and tells me that he is going with the M guy to our pub and he asked him to invite me also. I was shocked. Turns out he separated from his wife.He said they are not compatible and that they don't get along. He has a hard time with her personality. He told the friend that he somewhat still loves her. The following day he invited me to a movie and at the movie he started touching me and then i invited him up to my place where we did some more touching (no intercourse) but no kissing He told me that he is sure with his decision to end the marriage and knowing him he really meant it when he said so.

 

Anyways, a few days later he told me that he went to a marriage mediator and that his wife refuses to get a divorce and wants to go to couples therapy so he has no choice. After the therapy he told me that he has to move back home as otherwise what is the point of going to therapy.

He didn't cut contact with me but he is not really in touch and it hurts. When I see him around during lunch now and then he still ignores me. He told me that he wants to take it slowly (his friends know that he stopped talking to me coz of his wife and they don't know that he left her for a couple of weeks and he doesn't want people to start asking questions).

 

Anyways, today i saw him again during lunch and afterwards i send him the following message: I have an idea...I see you sometimes spontaneously during lunch. So, maybe when you next go for lunch near me you or our friend can text me and i will come to the restaurant but this time i will sit with you and you can make a few remarks like you always do. It won't look like we planned to meet as I see u often during lunch.

 

He read it but didn't reply...so then i wrote 'or not' to which he also didn't reply.

I am soooo devastated...It hurts...i was good enough to be with so u won't feel lonely but not good enough to reply to a text???? This guy never ignored me...I always knew he would answer my messages or call when I asked him to.

I can't stop the tears. He has always known that I have feelings for him and i was always so nice to him! Why on earth did he bother to reconnect if he doesn't care about me or my feelings even a tiny bit????

[SoleMate]

Just looking for the high he gets from contact.....ego strokes etc. You cannot expect a MM to have more concern for your feelings than you do for yourself. Best idea now is going NC - no contact. I also recommend getting individual counseling to work on self esteem and making better life choices.

[VeveCakes]

He's trying to work on his marriage, let him and leave him alone. Watching porn while he fingers you isn't a friendship.

[Southern Sun]

I am sorry. No, it is not fun falling in love with a married man - any unavailable man for that matter.

 

He's playing games with you, even if he's not doing it on purpose or with intention to hurt you. He's really only worried about himself.

 

You need to worry about yourself. I know your feelings are strong and it hurts, but you have been feeding them. As SoleMate said, the very best thing you can do is to go completely cold NC on him. Not to be mean, not for revenge, for nothing but getting yourself away from him so you can get better. Your feelings for him will fade. They really will. But only if you stay away.

[sandylee1]

He is trying to work on his marriage and it's not fair that you pursue him like this. The fact is...he didn't HAVE to move back in....he chose to. At the moment you are putting your feelings above those of the woman he made vows with and you aren't showing any respect for their marriage.

 

Marriage takes a lot of work and nurturing and a third party like yourself just causes more issues.

 

If you have solid boundaries around married or otherwise committed men in the future....you won't find yourself hurting as the result of an unavailable man again. You may hurt with a single guy..because that's life...but at least you'll not have this same issue of a wife in the mix.

 

If they are both truly committed they can make it work...but you need to stay well out of it and stop messaging him. If he abides by a NC agreement with his wife...he'll forward your messages to her...and you'll just look like you're chasing and MM. That won't do your reputation any good at all.

[Forceawakensme]

Hi,

 

I wrote about my situation about a week ago. I will write again with more information and i am sorry for the length:

 

4 years ago i met this guy at work and we became very close. He interviewed me and we had an immediate connection (he wasn't my supervisor or anything). Some girl used to always tell us that we look like we are in love.

We went to work together (we live near one another) and we were always together. After I left i went to work in another company right near his work and we continued to go to work together and go for lunch everyday (usually with other people). We were in contact also after work hours and sometimes met at a local bar with another mutual male friend. It got to the point where on the way home we watched sometimes porn together and twice he fingered me but put an end to it.

I had a problem with one of the neighbours one weekend and he came for a few minutes to see that i was fine. Also, we went to audition for the Amazing Race. If I needed advice i always asked him.

 

This friendship went on for 3 years. His wife never liked our relationship and I don't blame her. I have never ever felt this way about any guy. I just love him. Never had feelings for someone in a relationship and hopefully this is the last time.

Last year, after his wife found out that when he went out I also came along she made him cut contact with me. So, on the 5th of October 2014 it came to an end. I used to see him at work during lunch but he kind of ignored me. I sent him an email once and he replied that he didn't end the friendship coz i did something bad..he wrote..on the contrary there is nobody like you. Also our friend told me that he likes my personality.

 

Anyways, on the 14th of January our mutual friend calls me up and tells me that he is going with the M guy to our pub and he asked him to invite me also. I was shocked. Turns out he separated from his wife.He said they are not compatible and that they don't get along. He has a hard time with her personality. He told the friend that he somewhat still loves her. The following day he invited me to a movie and at the movie he started touching me and then i invited him up to my place where we did some more touching (no intercourse) but no kissing He told me that he is sure with his decision to end the marriage and knowing him he really meant it when he said so.

 

Anyways, a few days later he told me that he went to a marriage mediator and that his wife refuses to get a divorce and wants to go to couples therapy so he has no choice. After the therapy he told me that he has to move back home as otherwise what is the point of going to therapy.

He didn't cut contact with me but he is not really in touch and it hurts. When I see him around during lunch now and then he still ignores me. He told me that he wants to take it slowly (his friends know that he stopped talking to me coz of his wife and they don't know that he left her for a couple of weeks and he doesn't want people to start asking questions).

 

Anyways, today i saw him again during lunch and afterwards i send him the following message: I have an idea...I see you sometimes spontaneously during lunch. So, maybe when you next go for lunch near me you or our friend can text me and i will come to the restaurant but this time i will sit with you and you can make a few remarks like you always do. It won't look like we planned to meet as I see u often during lunch.

 

He read it but didn't reply...so then i wrote 'or not' to which he also didn't reply.

I am soooo devastated...It hurts...i was good enough to be with so u won't feel lonely but not good enough to reply to a text???? This guy never ignored me...I always knew he would answer my messages or call when I asked him to.

I can't stop the tears. He has always known that I have feelings for him and i was always so nice to him! Why on earth did he bother to reconnect if he doesn't care about me or my feelings even a tiny bit????

 

 

 

Dear Pepsi Max -- Big HUGS..

 

I know the sting of rejection when you put yourself out there (MM or not). You are chasing that feeling you had when he pursued you and how amazing it felt... You have serious chemistry with this guy but its just not going to work:(.

 

As painful as it is, you need to step back. Take a breath and let him sort out his own issues. The ignoring you is painful but you need to know its not a personal rejection of you its simply the fact he NEEDS to stay away.. For his marriage, for his sanity for many healthy reasons. You also need to:(( (believe me im saying this to myself just as much!)

[Forceawakensme]

^^ hes confused and conflicted, he is not safe to be around as he may throw you a crumb and youre so hungry right now. We need to just stay away for our own safety and healing. Painful? Hell yes.. but really no other way (and believe me i have been in this bargaining phase like it was my job, im coming up with nada).

[Parannonx]

Liars lie, big surprise.

 

This guy has already chosen to lie to his wife. Why on earth would you believe anything he tells you.

 

There is some sort of blind spot in the eyes of those involved in deceptive relationships. My wife who swore up and down that her cheating was never about wanting to leave me attempted to justify her lack of judgment in how she chose her lovers by saying that she only talked to married men (because she assumed that they wouldn't get attached and cause her problems) and that she believed them because of what they said. When I pointed out that they were already lying to their wives so why the world she expect them to be honest with her she didn't have a response.

 

There is a reason why affairs result in more STD transmissions than other relationships. Because the people involved are inherently dishonest. They lack respect for themselves and the person who they supposedly loved enough to marry, why are all the OW/OM surprised when it turns out that they don't respect you either.

 

I give cheaters one bit of sympathy, they are damaged and emotionally stunted in some way, and if they are willing to admit that and do the soul searching and work to fix themselves I do believe that they can be honorable faithful people.

 

The problem for the most part is that so many are so deeply enmeshed in the Web of lies they constructed to give themselves permission to cheat in the first place that they simply never see what they have become or are so appalled by it that they remain in denial.

 

As far as single APs I think that you are just as emotionally damaged, which is why you accept being treated as toys for people who you know are deceitful. You convince yourself that you are a special snowflake, that yours is the real true love that will defy the odds.

 

If you had a decent amount of self respect you would never get involved in these messes.

 

This is why my advice is always, figure out why you don't respect yourself, and fix it so that you can make better choices.

 

It's not coming from a place of hate, nor is it projection of my anger about my unfaithful wife. It's because I've been on both sides these dysfunctional relationships and want others to be able to learn from my experiences.

 

I have chosen to give my wife a chance to redeem herself because I believe that people can change, that we can learn from our mistakes and grow from those experiences.

 

I'm sure some of the cheaters here don't like my condemnation of their behavior, my pointing out that they are making choices that result in them being abusive jerks.

 

But coddling isn't what people who are hurting themselves and others need. What they need is a blunt and honest assess of their selfish and abusive choices.

 

Pepsimax, you are involving yourself in a situation where there are no good outcomes, only various levels of awful. Read through these posts here and in the infidelity sections, see what they all have in common. Hint it's not happiness and joy.

 

Get out of this soap opera, get into therapy, learn to respect yourself and find romantic partners who are honest and honorable. I promise you that in 10 years you'll look back on this and laugh at how foolish you were.

[pepsimax]

He's trying to work on his marriage, let him and leave him alone. Watching porn while he fingers you isn't a friendship.

Agreed, our friendship crossed the line long ago.

[pepsimax]

I am sorry. No, it is not fun falling in love with a married man - any unavailable man for that matter.

 

He's playing games with you, even if he's not doing it on purpose or with intention to hurt you. He's really only worried about himself.

 

You need to worry about yourself. I know your feelings are strong and it hurts, but you have been feeding them. As SoleMate said, the very best thing you can do is to go completely cold NC on him. Not to be mean, not for revenge, for nothing but getting yourself away from him so you can get better. Your feelings for him will fade. They really will. But only if you stay away.

 

and my feelings for him didn't fade. I only missed him and his sense of humour and the way he made me feel. I missed the person! But I do hope I meet someone new and single even tonight!

I added now next to his name on my phone 'Ben Don't contact him!!!'. So, that way if I have a urge to contact him I won't.

Edited February 5, 2016 by pepsimax

[sandylee1]

Pepsi

 

There's no reason you can't be with a single guy. You want someone who is 'your man'...not someone else's husband.

 

Just like when you're looking for a house or a new car...you need a mental note of what you want in a man. There's little point in buying a house next to a nightclub if you want peace and quiet...then complaining it's too noisy after the fact.

 

Make sure those things are in line with your values...which hopefully include honesty. You can't build a good relationship on deceit.

[Liam1]

Anyways, a few days later he told me that he went to a marriage mediator and that his wife refuses to get a divorce and wants to go to couples therapy so he has no choice. After the therapy he told me that he has to move back home as otherwise what is the point of going to therapy.

 

Pepsi:

 

You already know that what he told you is a crock, right?

 

You can divorce someone, even if they don't want the divorce.