Crush recently separated from his wife [updated]

[elaine567]

If they are/were in couples therapy and his wife sees you as the OW, then his phone may now be an open book, and he is now showing her all his texts as proof he is not up to no good, so she may have read your text and he will not be in any position to reply to you.

 

BTW no-one HAS to go to couples therapy.

[Ms. Faust]

Please stop. Don't contact him again. Reading that text message kind of made me cringe. It sounds terribly desperate, and a major ego boost for him. The best you can do is detach. Remember, the sparks that you may have felt wasn't necessarily a mutual thing. Sometimes our thoughts can get clouded when we think we have a magnetic connection to someone.

 

His silence speaks volumes.

 

And as an adult, I am sure you know that he doesn't "have to" go to counseling, and he doesn't "have to" stay with his wife. He chooses to.

 

And, anyway, isn't the "no kissing" kind of a big indicator what this guy wants??

Edited February 5, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Southern Sun]

and my feelings for him didn't fade. I only missed him and his sense of humour and the way he made me feel. I missed the person! But I do hope I meet someone new and single even tonight!

I added now next to his name on my phone 'Ben Don't contact him!!!'. So, that way if I have a urge to contact him I won't.

 

That may be true, that you had NC for a year. Sometimes we hold onto our feelings for certain people. There are some people that just really "do something" to us. But I think really, we are doing that to ourselves. That's why I said you are feeding those feelings. You had to have spent time fantasizing, thinking of him, pining for him. Otherwise the feelings would have at least begun to fade over that time.

 

And strong feelings DO take time to fade. It's just a fact. Especially those that are somewhat toxic and may feel unrequited. Those seem to stick...especially when we feed them. So you have to take some action, not just let them control you.

 

Then he showed back up and that really reawakened things in you, gave you some hope. I'm just suggesting that you pour some ice on the whole thing. Go totally NC, for your sake. Yes, I know others are saying, "leave him alone, he's trying to work on his marriage." True, I guess. But he's certainly messed with you too. I agree, leave him alone. But don't assume he won't show back up to have a flirt or a moment. When he does, you need a plan. A plan to WALK AWAY, be somewhere else, anything but engage. It will only mess up your progress.

 

If you take care of yourself, put your boundaries firmly in place, it will end up taking care of him too...at least, as far as it's in your power. Good luck.

[pepsimax]

If they are/were in couples therapy and his wife sees you as the OW, then his phone may now be an open book, and he is now showing her all his texts as proof he is not up to no good, so she may have read your text and he will not be in any position to reply to you.

 

BTW no-one HAS to go to couples therapy.

 

Yesterday, I broke the NC rule and sent him a message. Just said hi how are u. He then said that we need to meet up for a drink. Today, I asked him if he wants to go out tonight. He said yes and to ask our mutual friend - we have a friend that comes with us when we go out ...we only went out alone once when he left his wife.

So, if he did show his wife the messages he wouldn't have written that..i was surprised that he wants to meet considering the fact that he knows his wife hates me and that she doesn't want him hanging out with me.

 

As for the fact that nobody has to go to therapy and that you can get a divorce even if only one side wants it...it's true but where I am from it's much more complicated than that. They won't grant you a divorce if one side refuses...they will send you to therapy first and do everything they can to make the divorce not happen. I know from my cousin although he was sure that he didn't want to be married to his wife it took him a long time to finally work up the courage and leave.

 

I just don't get why he would want to meet if he knows his wife hates me and they had a huge fight over him being in touch with me a year ago.

[sandylee1]

Pepsi

 

Are there so few single men where you live that you continue to pursue a married man?

[imperfectangel]

Pepsi, I see a lot of me in your posts. I get it. You want him. But he's not on the same page as you. Cancel this meeting and block him if you have to. Change your number. You need to get out. I sense that you're like me though and will take all his bull **** until you truly snap. It took me nearly 20 years. Good luck with that

[loveisanaction]

 

I just don't get why he would want to meet if he knows his wife hates me and they had a huge fight over him being in touch with me a year ago.

 

You are trying to convince yourself that this man likes you. The fact that he wants to see you knowing fully well that his wife hates you shows that he is weak. You messaged him not the other way around. You are offering your body to him with no effort on his part...he will use your body then go back to his wife.

[KatZee]

Also, who even knows if it was really him who responded to your message.

 

You know what I'd do if my husband, who I had two kids with, kept getting messages from the OW when I was currently in marriage counseling with him, and trying to work on the marriage?

 

I'd demand that one of the ways he could regain my trust would be to show me his phone and who he was talking to. I'd then notice that the OW was continuing to text. I'd respond back asking to meet up.

 

Then I'D show up and beat her a.ss.

 

But that's just me. *shrug*

 

Please stop sending him messages. You're making yourself look pathetic. And there is no reason or excuse on planet earth that you can give for why you can't stop. No, "I've never felt this way I've been married..." No, "I've never connected to a guy like this before..." Everything you have with him, is made up in your own head. He's never been a stable figure in your life. He's never treated you respectfully. He uses you as a sexual plaything when he's bored, or when he's on the outs with his wife. He's never taken you on a proper date, he's done not one thing to make him worthy of your undying devotion to him.

 

Detach. Move on.

[imperfectangel]

Why would you beat her? Sounds very high school

[pepsimax]

Hi,

 

I am devastated.

Can't stop crying. MM that I have known for 4 years and I thought cared for me told me last night that I never meant anything to him...that I was just a friend that he drove to work with.

He knows I have strong feelings for him and he just played with my feelings all the time. I just don't get it...also when we no longer worked together we were friends. We sometimes went out to a pub with another mutual friend. We even auditioned for the Amazing Race. Whenever, I asked him to phone me or needed his advice he was there for me. When I had a problem with the neighbour he came over that day for a few minutes to see everything was fine. When I went overseas he was in touch and remembered what day i was going to my dream concert and in the morning sent me a message to say have fun and we text throughout the day - he drove passed my home and sent me a picture also. When he was overseas i told him to send pictures to our whatsapp group (me, him and mutual friend) and he did.

Whenever, i did something new such as paragliding he sent me a message that weekend asking how it was. When I didn't find a job for sometime he phoned on a Saturday while out with his daughter to tell me why he thinks i can't find a job. And we sometimes watched porn together and once in the car he touched me.

Just over a year ago his wife found out we are still friends although we don't have to be and they had a huge falling out and she made him cut all contact with me.

A month ago he left his wife for 3 weeks and a few days after he left his wife he told our friend he wants to go out to a bar and to invite me. The following day he unblocked me on whatsapp and told me he left his wife and asked me out to a movie. We went, he touched me and i knew he was confused. Anyways, his wife didn't want a divorce and coz of the kids he went back to her. He also told me last night if they didn't have kids he would have left her.

 

Anyways, i wanted him to know how i feel and to be more sensitive to my feelings and if anything meant something to him. He was at a bar with some friends as a colleague was leaving and told me to come meet them.

I went and later when we left we walked and talked. He basically told me that i need to forget about him. That he never had any feelings for me or cared about me. That he doesn't know if he would have dated me or not if he got a divorce...that it's not his dream but he doesn't know. I was just someone that went to work with him.

That he can't be sensitive about my feelings as I would interpret it the wrong way and there is nothing there at all. That now i know and can move on. He said i was a fling!!!

 

I am so devastated...i was sooo foolish to have even thought that he cared about me even as a friend . I am absolutely nothing to him. I can't stop crying. He was so important for me and I did alot for him..was always there and he even told our friend that I have a great personality and once he told me that there is no one like me. But it was a lie Just used me. I trusted him completely and said he would never intentionally hurt me and he did.

[jenkins95]

pepsimax, so sorry for what you are going through. That's so tough (((hug)))

 

As an MM myself a little while out of an affair, I would be very surprised if you really meant nothing to him.

 

What he is saying is, IMO, born out of frustration and anger and shows the fact that us guys are immature and ill equipped to deal with the emotional stresses of the aftermath of an affair - I myself have been all over the place emotionally and feel like a child sometimes. He is in a real mess right now, he is confused and angry. He is lashing out at you and being cruel as he doesn't know how to cope with his emotions.

 

But he behaviour is very cruel. I know it's horribly difficult, but maybe you could try to turn this into a positive for your recovery. He had shown a very nasty side of his character there. Try to recognise that and be glad that you are not with a man who can be cold, cruel, hurtful and disrespectful like that.

 

You are better off without him, but remember - you did mean something to him, he is just too cruel to let you have that bit of closure.

 

One day at a time. You will be OK. We are here for you. Keep posting.

Edited February 26, 2016 by jenkins95

[burnt]

I am sorry for what you're going through. That's painful to have to hear those words--especially after all those ups and downs. It is one thing to stop, and slowly learn to let go, but in your case, the push-pull, on-off game has given you very little chance to properly move forward.

 

What he really meant, nobody knows. I PROMISE you even he doesn't know what he really means.

 

(1) It's possible as Jenkins says, he's confused, and his cruel words are expressions of anger and confusion. Right after the affair ends, both parties are going through a emotional and psychological turmoil, and not really in touch with reality. Some time needs to pass for him to fully understand what he feels or felt.

 

(2) It's also possible, that he's looking for anyway to move forward and the only sensible means is to convince himself that you are the cause of his misery. Usually after a disaster, it's natural for us to look for a 'villain' in the story to want to blame. It's a simple matter of survival.

 

(3) It's also possible he DOES care about you and he actually wants you to move on and is telling you what he thinks you need to hear. Maybe he's thinking that if you hear him say you meant nothing to him, then you will let go easily and find a more deserving man to be with who can love you more than he could offer you. Maybe his cruel words are actually born out of compassionate care.

 

(4) Finally, it's also possible, that he IS telling you truth; that he truly was just looking for a fling and got involved with you and looking back he sees it for what it really was. And by telling you this truth, he's getting it off his chest to feel free and move on.

 

OP,

what I have listed above, I have seen all four scenarios play out in my xMM's mind and words. That's how confusing an affair is. He went through every one of those four emotional states at one point or another.

 

Who says the truth is pretty?

 

Long after it's long over, I do not have any other option but to acknowledge that the man I loved and still do was never mine, will never be mine; always belonged to someone else.

 

But it does not negate what I felt and what I experienced. So it was a one-sided love--not reciprocated.

 

Whatever the truth is in your xMM's case--no matter what this whole 'thing' meant to him, what you felt was still real to you. And you must acknowledge that.

 

A relationship that had been built on confusion has no other choice but to end with confusions and unanswered questions. *That* may be the harsh truth you have learn to accept now.

[pepsimax]

Thanks so much for responding. I hope you are ok

I know how insensitive and cold he can be but to say that he never cared and had no feelings ever and why would i think that is cruel and the thing is that I believe him (my friends don't but why would he said it if it wasn't true?)

I understand he might be confused as he returned home only coz of the kids. I also told him that I want him to be happy at home.

But to say that what happened was a fling and that guys think differently than girls and that he didnt think about it too much makes me believe he didn't care. He is usually a person that thinks before doing something and to know that here he didn't and played with my feelings is sooo hard.

 

I hope you are right that i didn't mean nothing to him at all but i doubt it. He told me that now I can continue on with my life and open a new chapter.

 

I am sorry that i keep repeating myself...i am just very emotional and a wreck. I know it will get easier but now the pain is soo strong..didn't even sleep.

[privategal]

This is a confused man in many ways, he had the ability to leave his wife and baby...had the calculated efforts to string you along a few times.

He's in a mess and knows you are a threat to his marriage.

I think he sees he was not invested in youand didnt know the healthiest way to deal with your continued talking with him so he had to be blunt.

It just wasnt there for him the way it was for you.

He doesnt want the ongoing contact or to see your hurt.

It really was only a fling and now he just wants it out of sight and mind.

Trust his words.

I know it hurts, Im so sorry but you've got to move forward without him and do not reach out.

There will be alot of tears and anger...just go through the painful emotions not around them...you are healing when your crying.

Just keep going.

If he left a marriage of course he could abandon a friendship.

[pepsimax]

who he went to work with when we were in touch also when I didn't work with him and also we went out sometimes and like i said whenever i asked him for help or advice he was there?

What kind of fling is that?

Burnt, what I felt for him was real and i have never felt like that about any other guy not even my ex husband.

I am sorry you also went through a difficult time. Hope you are stronger now.

 

I kind of lied to him and told him that I met someone after he told me to move on...i did meet someone but he is just a good friend of my friend. He asked me what he looks like and if i love him and I should concentrate on him and love him.

My friends don't believe him but I do...he asked me if i want to force him to say he that he has feelings and cares.

Burnt, although he was never yours how do you know he never loved you? I was told by many and read that it is very difficult for a MM esp. with children to leave.

Also this guy told me that if it wasn't for the kids he would have never gone back.

[privategal]

Maybe you could see more clearly once your not in shock and your emotions settle a bit.

Sometimes people are in your life for a season and not meant to stay.

Hes telling you, that was then, this is now. Meaning today...presently, I do not feel the same about you as I once did.

He wants you to move on. Its painful but he has ended it.

I hope you will be ok.

[Ms. Faust]

Just from what you told us, it sounds like a case of More Into Him Than He Was Into You. I suspect he did see and appreciate you as a friend, but took advantage of you being attracted to him. I would even say that he was attracted to you as well, but not enough to leave his wife and dive straight into a relationship with you.

 

I would look at it from his perspective: If he is leaving a long term relationship, why would he jump straight into another monogamous relationship? It's one thing if he promised you the sun and moon, but from your previous posts it sounds like he just took you out and did some heavy petting.

 

i did meet someone but he is just a good friend of my friend. He asked me what he looks like and if i love him and I should concentrate on him and love him.

My friends don't believe him but I do...he asked me if i want to force him to say he that he has feelings and cares.

 

He doesn't want you to be hung up on him. I think he wouldn't mind keeping you as a FWB, but he is probably seeing how much you like him and it is a little too much for him.

 

There's tons of possibilities as Burnt noted, but in this case I think it's a simple tale of some dude taking advantage of a girl who desperately wants to be with him.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[burnt]

Burnt, what I felt for him was real and i have never felt like that about any other guy not even my ex husband.

We are on the same boat. I never knew I could love someone as deeply and unconditionally until I was with him. What I felt for my MM is still there, but I must also recognize that to him it really was a temporary fling.

 

I kind of lied to him and told him that I met someone after he told me to move on...i did meet someone but he is just a good friend of my friend. He asked me what he looks like and if i love him and I should concentrate on him and love him.

On some level, he cares about you still and that's why he wants you to move on and find happiness with someone.

My MM gave me the same exact type of advice about how he hoped I'd find a way to heal. He asked me many times to learn to let go of him emotionally.

 

See the thing is, no matter what, by getting involved with you, on some level, he HAD to care somewhat about you. He doesn't love you the way you love him, but he doesn't wish ill of you. He just sees you as a part of his history now, not a part of his present or future.

 

Burnt, although he was never yours how do you know he never loved you? I was told by many and read that it is very difficult for a MM esp. with children to leave.

He did love me for a while--as a fun distraction. Once he came to realize how much he had always loved his wife all along, and once he had rekindled with his wife, he just switched OFF about how he felt about me. It was a frightening thing to experience--to see someone just flip the switch and become a complete stranger right in front of eyes.

 

On many levels, I realize now the person I loved and still do, never existed. It was all an illusion of the mind. On many levels, I do feel that the person I once was so close to died and I do mourn for the death of that person in my own way.

 

Also this guy told me that if it wasn't for the kids he would have never gone back.

If anything, pepsimax, haven't you learned that nothing you hear from him you can fully trust? He is not going back for the kids, he's going back for his wife. Most married men DO love their wives more than they even realize.

[SSJROMANCE]

Nine out of 10 times you get involved with a married man you are going to get burned. Pick yourself up and learn from this experience. When you grow older and have daughters tell your daughters this so THEY don't make the same mistakes you have. I am a little embarrassed to be a man sometimes when you have douche bags like this using women on the side. They are the farthest thing from a man - very little on the inside.

[whichwayisup]

He told you how he felt, as much as that hurts, accept it and let go. Grieve the loss and make yourself disappear from his life. Don't try to 'talk' to him again or explain how you feel...He doesn't care and he doesn't want to continue on.

 

Sorry that what I'm typing probably hurts to read but reality is affairs don't last forever and things/feelings change. Respect and love yourself MORE than what you feel for him and don't ever speak to him again.

[Cappycorny]

That's a hard pill to swallow but from what I'm reading on here it seems many of these men could give a flying you know what. They are after the sex. I'm so sooty your hurt.

[Be_Strong]

pepsimax,

Please also consider the possibility that your MM was lying about not caring for you in an effort to help you (and him) move on. It may seem cruel, but from his perspective he may be looking at it as doing you a favor--cutting off any and all hope that you can be with him by convincing you he has no feelings for you. Trust me, the way he went about this is actually a lot less painful in the long run than if he had confessed his love for you but said he needed to stay with his wife for the kids.

[sandylee1]

Put it down to experience and don't get friendly like that with another woman's husband in the future.

 

Forwards ever .....backwards never.

[Popsicle]

That was very cruel of him.

 

I'm sorry. *big hugs*

[Ms. Faust]

That was very cruel of him.

 

I'm sorry. *big hugs*

 

Him using her was cruel, but finally being honest was the kindest thing he could have done for her. It certainly was not a nice thing to hear for the OP, but he laid out very plainly how he felt. He could have strung her along. He could have used her for sex. He could have done a lot of things that I believe the OP would have readily agreed to (her desperation was pretty evident in that text she sent him a while back). But he told her how he felt, and now she knows to not have any expectations from him.

 

It's sad, it's disappointing, but it's a helluva lot better than being left in the dark.