Crush recently separated from his wife [updated]

[pepsimax]

He said he does want to stay in contact but i don't think i can or want to. He did go back mainly coz of the kids as he said the same thing to our friend. But it doesn't matter.. Our friend told me that he doesn't know what to think as he always had good things to say about me and he always said he liked my personality.

Also, when I asked him if he would have gone out with me if he would have gotten a divorce that is the only thing he didn't completely say NO to. mkkkkkkkkkked[p;cv[[[[[[666666666666666666665

 

I feel sooo down. I just don't get how he doesn't get how much he hurt me. That we were friends first and i trusted him and he used it to feel good about himself. I just don't get how blind sided and stupid i was to have thought that he cared about me. We weren't in contact for one year coz of his wife and when he renewed contact and invited me out I thought he cared.

He just used me!!!

[lemondrop21]

Some affairs are deep love affairs and others are more of the fling variety. I think that in a fling, the AP can definitely have strong feelings - just not as strong as in the deep love affair.

 

In this case, I think your exAP is lying about not having ever cared for you. He's trying to cut the cord and this is the best way he can figure out to do so. He thinks that by telling you he never cared, you're more likely to leave him alone.

 

That said, while I think he had feelings for you, I don't think it was a deep love affair; frankly it just doesn't sound like it had developed to that deep level given the length of time it went on.

 

Wishing you peace and healing, this sounds like it hurts A LOT. I know I would also feel badly hurt if I were in your situation.

[elaine567]

Some people, as another poster wrote today on another thread have friends that are their "family", they care deeply for them and they are very important to them.

Others can take or leave friends, they do not get overly invested and being friends with someone, means little or nothing to them.

They go through the motions, they are there when needed, but they may do that for anyone, the friend "special bond" is just not there for them.

 

I have a feeling the latter is the case here.

YOU were drawn to him, you interpreted the things he did for you as meaning you were special to him, but to him you were just some woman who he drove to work with and who, if he made appreciative noises, liked his company and I guess he was flattered too.

 

Now you have become a liability to him and a threat to his marriage and kids, he has had to cut you off - again.

 

Messing around with married men, rarely ends well for the OW.

[privategal]

Pepsi,

Im fearful because you said...he wants to stay in contact, but I don't know.

In the next breathe you admit you realize he used you.

Having gone through this exact experience I can share...you can get that...why wasnt I good enough to date?

Maybe if I stay friends...he will learn...I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, desired enough.

Pepsi, the friends card is a way the MM keep you on the line if they want to use you again later...or..if you wont take the hint and go away.

I wonder if youve googled limerance?

It could be what you are feeling as thats the only way I could quite understand even speaking to him again.

He said directly you meant nothing.

I bet other guys would disagree.

I bet you are smart and beautiful and worthy of alot more than this guy.

The rejection BRUTALLY hurts.

Your self esteem is so bruised already.

And by standing by for fake friendship I fear it will hurt worse and damage you as you wont trust or have confidence in dating.

Surely you could find the will to block out him and his friend and make a fresh start? Pepsi...please dont speak to him again.

Remember his harsh words over and over. Remember and move on.

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though he clearly wasn't as invested as you are/were. But I think he mostly enjoyed the ego boost it gave him to know you looked at him like he was some kind of Demigod.

[sandylee1]

He said he does want to stay in contact but i don't think i can or want to. He did go back mainly coz of the kids as he said the same thing to our friend. But it doesn't matter.. Our friend told me that he doesn't know what to think as he always had good things to say about me and he always said he liked my personality.

Also, when I asked him if he would have gone out with me if he would have gotten a divorce that is the only thing he didn't completely say NO to. mkkkkkkkkkked[p;cv[[[[[[666666666666666666665

 

I feel sooo down. I just don't get how he doesn't get how much he hurt me. That we were friends first and i trusted him and he used it to feel good about himself. I just don't get how blind sided and stupid i was to have thought that he cared about me. We weren't in contact for one year coz of his wife and when he renewed contact and invited me out I thought he cared.

He just used me!!!

 

 

Best to not have contact for your own sanity.

Friendships with married men generally don't end well.

 

Dust it off and get a stress free relationship for yourself.

[66Charger]

He is being cruel to be kind.

 

2 things clearly stand out. First, he never made a hard move on you. If he wanted sex, you probably would have said yes. Why didn't he cross the line? Because the line wasnt about you, it was about his boundaries. Even though you are a beautiful sexy woman, (just assuming folks!) you are not his wife. . All here know that 90%+ of the MM will take it, if its available. He did not. Second, he invested a lot of time in you. The facts cannot be erased. The phone calls, the care, the happiness to hear from you. All these things happened.

 

He is not a "good guy" nor is he Satan.

 

He is doing what a friend should do. He is doing what he should have done years ago. He is doing what is best for you.

 

He is letting you go. Cruelly, but necessary.

 

You need to go now. Box it up, put a bow on it, put it in the attic and classify it as a memory.

[Popsicle]

He is being cruel to be kind.

 

2 things clearly stand out. First, he never made a hard move on you. If he wanted sex, you probably would have said yes. Why didn't he cross the line? Because the line wasnt about you, it was about his boundaries. Even though you are a beautiful sexy woman, (just assuming folks!) you are not his wife. . All here know that 90%+ of the MM will take it, if its available. He did not. Second, he invested a lot of time in you. The facts cannot be erased. The phone calls, the care, the happiness to hear from you. All these things happened.

 

He is not a "good guy" nor is he Satan.

 

He is doing what a friend should do. He is doing what he should have done years ago. He is doing what is best for you.

 

He is letting you go. Cruelly, but necessary.

 

You need to go now. Box it up, put a bow on it, put it in the attic and classify it as a memory.

 

Well said.

[anika99]

He said he does want to stay in contact but i don't think i can or want to. He did go back mainly coz of the kids as he said the same thing to our friend. But it doesn't matter.. Our friend told me that he doesn't know what to think as he always had good things to say about me and he always said he liked my personality.

Also, when I asked him if he would have gone out with me if he would have gotten a divorce that is the only thing he didn't completely say NO to. mkkkkkkkkkked[p;cv[[[[[[666666666666666666665

 

I feel sooo down. I just don't get how he doesn't get how much he hurt me. That we were friends first and i trusted him and he used it to feel good about himself. I just don't get how blind sided and stupid i was to have thought that he cared about me. We weren't in contact for one year coz of his wife and when he renewed contact and invited me out I thought he cared.

He just used me!!!

 

Yeah but he didn't say yes to that question either and if even a small part of him shared your feelings and fantasy he absolutely would have said yes to that question.

 

You gave a laundry list of things he did with and for you and all of those things really don't signify much effort on his part. He talked to you, watched some porn, gave you job advice, remembered the concert you were going to, sent you pictures, sent you texts, came over for a few minutes one day to make sure you were okay. All of those are such small things that take such little time or effort. They are things that even casual friends and acquaintances do, well minus the porn. The point is that all the time he spent on you probably added up to about 2% of his time. You made him the main part of your life while you were just a very small piece of his.

 

He doesn't know how much he's hurt you possibly because you have always known he's married and yet got involved with him anyways so he figured you always knew the score and you accepted it. I know if I was married and started an inappropriate friendship with a man and that man then became upset because I was married and unavailable I would be like "well duh! You knew I was married from the start and you let things develop anyways so don't act like a victim now" I'm not sympathizing with your MM, I don't think he's a good guy, but everyone does have to take responsibility for their own choices.

 

You also need to realize that even if he never went back to his wife it still would have been totally unhealthy for him to jump right into a love relationship with you. Newly separated men are not stable. They are confused and in emotional pain. They can't be a good partner until they heal and in a way it was sort of unfair of you to have these expectations of him when his personal life was in so much turmoil. You both disrespected your friendship but it's a friendship that needs to end anyways. Do you want to spend the next 4 years pining over this guy? Go no contact.

[pepsimax]

Pepsi,

 

I wonder if youve googled limerance?

 

While i think that i do portray some of the signs they mention I don't agree that it's limerance 100%. I don't want to be his hero and save him ( i would rather him save me ). I do want physical contact and in limerance you only look for gratitude . I do have fantasies about him that are passionate but I also fantasize about doing things with him...even helping take care of his kids when it's his time with them and going overseas and sharing a life. I don't want gratitude from him...i want him to want to date me if he should get a divorce. I do however, look for reactions from him when we meet and i do feel happy when he pays attention and sad if he doesn't.

[pepsimax]

of the second part of our talk..the first part was done face to face. Usually, I delete all recordings immediately, but this time i wanted my psychologist and best friend to listen to it and give me their perspective. Thank goodness for technology and for my architect as if it wasn't for him i would have had installed the recorder on my phone

 

They both said the same things exactly...they don't believe that he doesn't care but they both said that they are shocked that is the guy i fell for..They said he is stupid..has no emotional IQ. Doesn't get how much he hurt me or what i want from him and doesn't get the difference between having feelings for someone and being sensitive to another person's feelings (i am sensitive to my friends feelings but i am not in love with them). They think he is really dumb. My psychologist thinks that whomever is in a relationship with him will have a hard time as he really doesn't have any emotional sensitivity.

 

That made me feel better and i am really angry at him!

[anika99]

Did he know you were recording him? Secretly taping him so that you could get others to analyze him and give their opinions seems a little over the top to me. Also I'm surprised that your psychologist even agreed to participate in that. I'm not sure that a psychologist listening to a secret recording of someone and then analyzing them when that person is not even your patient and then giving negative feedback about them is very ethical or professional. That seems to be walking into danger territory when it comes to professional integrity and ethics.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like at least it helped you get mad and let go so that's good.

[goodyblue]

Did he know you were recording him? Secretly taping him so that you could get others to analyze him and give their opinions seems a little over the top to me. Also I'm surprised that your psychologist even agreed to participate in that. I'm not sure that a psychologist listening to a secret recording of someone and then analyzing them when that person is not even your patient and then giving negative feedback about them is very ethical or professional. That seems to be walking into danger territory when it comes to professional integrity and ethics.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like at least it helped you get mad and let go so that's good.

 

Lol. Come on. If her therapist listened to a recording of a nameless man in order to help her client with perspective it is fine.

 

Jesus. What has this to do with her feelings anyway?

[anika99]

Lol. Come on. If her therapist listened to a recording of a nameless man in order to help her client with perspective it is fine.

 

Jesus. What has this to do with her feelings anyway?

 

All I know is that when I was in therapy years ago, my therapist was okay with me venting about my ex a little bit and then she would redirect me to focus on myself. Whenever I would invite her to give me her opinion on my ex she always refused, saying that anything she would say would only be speculation since she didn't personally know my ex. To her, my therapy was about me, not my ex. Used to frustrate me sometimes but now i understand and I respect her for her integrity and professionalism.

 

I did say that it's good that at least it got the OP mad and willing to move on so slow your roll girl. What does your post have to do with the OP's feelings? Did you have anything supportive to say to her?

[goodyblue]

All I know is that when I was in therapy years ago, my therapist was okay with me venting about my ex a little bit and then she would redirect me to focus on myself. Whenever I would invite her to give me her opinion on my ex she always refused, saying that anything she would say would only be speculation since she didn't personally know my ex. To her, my therapy was about me, not my ex. Used to frustrate me sometimes but now i understand and I respect her for her integrity and professionalism.

 

I did say that it's good that at least it got the OP mad and willing to move on so slow your roll girl. What does your post have to do with the OP's feelings? Did you have anything supportive to say to her?

 

I already posted support. You will have to forgive me... I just don't think it is a good idea to get in the middle of a person's therapy whatever it may be. Therapy and therapists are all vastly different. Perhaps listening and advising that the MM is a jerk and the OP deserves better was helpful.

[Lovetoohard]

Did he know you were recording him? Secretly taping him so that you could get others to analyze him and give their opinions seems a little over the top to me. Also I'm surprised that your psychologist even agreed to participate in that. I'm not sure that a psychologist listening to a secret recording of someone and then analyzing them when that person is not even your patient and then giving negative feedback about them is very ethical or professional. That seems to be walking into danger territory when it comes to professional integrity and ethics.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like at least it helped you get mad and let go so that's good.

 

This is a valid point. Surreptitiously recording a private conversation and disseminating that to others for opinions can have some serious legal ramifications.

 

OP, I know you're hurting and i am sorry for the pain this has caused you, but analyzing his recordings is a bit extreme. I think it would help to share with your therapist your account and how you feel about things and what you are doing to move forward, versus analyzing his conversations.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[waterwoman]

This is a valid point. Surreptitiously recording a private conversation and disseminating that to others for opinions can have some serious legal ramifications.

 

 

Quite! I am really surprised any therapist would sanction let alone encourage this.

[Ms. Faust]

What was the reason for recording him, anyway?

[privategal]

I hope you will get to a place where you can see clearly your beauty and value as a woman. I hope his words will sink in and you will come to the conclusion you would find zero value in ever speaking to him ever again.

If you realize and are getting confirmation he is dumb, how could it be beneficial to have any communication with him again?

Each time you communicate there will be more things to analyze.

There is a whole big world out there of nice people and great experiences.

Dont get stuck on one who not only rejected you romantically but even as a friend.

You are above that.

You are a strong independent lovely person and you DO have the strength and knowledge to walk away for good, block all association and hold your head up high.

Just see it as a lesson and a learning experience and move on.

[pepsimax]

I have a recording app coz I am building now and realised that i need one. Where I am from it's legal as long as one party knows about it...in this case me.

Also, he knows i have that app as we spoke about it a few days before with our mutual friend who also has that app. When i called him i didn't think about the recording and forgot about it until the following day.

I was in such a state and confused and the way i described things were different to the recording so i am glad that someone could listen to it and myself again when my mind was more clear.

I deleted the recording after my therapist listened to it. She gave her opinion on what she heard him saying to me. It made me see things more clear but i am still so angry and hurt by him.

[Ms. Faust]

Playas will play. Not much else you can do, other than learning from it and moving on. I also think he cared for you. Just not at the level that you cared for him. I think he enjoyed your friendship, but is not in love with you.

[pepsimax]

Hi,

 

Some of you are familiar with my story...i am not really the OW but did have some sort of a thing with a MM.

He cut contact over a year ago with me after a huge falling out with his wife after she discovered we were still friends and went out with another mutual guy friend to a bar and his wife made him go NC!!!

Anyways, at the beginning of the year he thought he was divorcing her so he renewed contact and he has gone back to his wife. That was in January. However, we are still in touch...and last night we went out me him and the friend again. I know that his wife doesn't know that we are in touch and he also told me not to contact him in the evenings and that he deletes my messages. So, i don't get why is he still in touch with me and meets me and like his wife found out a year ago she can find out again.

Why would he risk it or isn't he risking it?

Thanks

[jenkins95]

Hi pepsimax

 

His behaviour is odd, especially considering what happened a year ago. But whatever his motivation, for your own benefit, I would suggest having nothing to do with him. It could really mess with your mind again and yes, she could find out and all hell could break loose, with the blame being firmly pointed at you.

 

Also, don't let him treat you like that either - just discarding you and then picking you back up again when he feels like it. It is very bad of him and he must know what mental pain he has already caused you and would likely cause again. Show him that YOU are in control.

 

Unless he shows you divorce papers I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again.

 

Look after yourself and keep positing!

[pepsimax]

I know i should stay away but it is kinda hard now but it will happen in stages..

I am beginning to think that maybe my friend and therapist were right and he didnt really mean everything he said.

I mentioned a former male colleague of mine..so he asked if i still speak to him. I said sometimes so he asked if i also see him.

Also, during our harsh conversation imentioned that i met someone so he asked me a few times if i love that guy..

[jenkins95]

I know i should stay away but it is kinda hard now but it will happen in stages..

I am beginning to think that maybe my friend and therapist were right and he didnt really mean everything he said.

I mentioned a former male colleague of mine..so he asked if i still speak to him. I said sometimes so he asked if i also see him.

Also, during our harsh conversation imentioned that i met someone so he asked me a few times if i love that guy..

 

Yes, it seems like he's quite jealous and is acting possessive of you. He obviously likes you.

 

But.....he's married!

 

And he's acting really unfairly to his wife and messing with your mind.

 

Walk away if you can Peps - I know you've already had an awfully hard time. Don't let him put you through it again! Don't let him have that power over you.