Israfil Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 This quote made me think: “ ‘We Need to Talk About Kevin' is a book that acknowledges what many women worry about but never express – the fear of becoming a mother and the terror of what kind of child one might bring into the world" – Jenni Murray, Orange Prize Judge Do thoughts like this ever occur to any of you? How do you deal with these feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 It used to scare me a little when I was pregnant, but my concern (I wouldn't call it a fear really) was that I would not be a good enough parent for my child, I would not be able to guide them and help them and that my own personal failings would shadow them somehow. I didn't want them to inherit my fear of bugs for instance, or that I wouldn't be able to help them enough with their school work; or I would expect too much from them, or not enough. All I did was to think about how I wanted to guide them and what steps I wanted to take and address the problems as they came up and not think about the future too much. Overplanning can be as dangerous as not planning at all. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 This is actually a huge fear of mine - that I will never be a good enough mother. I actually contemplated not having children a few years ago because of this fear. I've always felt that maybe I am too selfish to have children, that I cannot handle the demands of a family and career at the same time. But as Hokey said, overplanning can be just as bad as not planning so now I just don't think about it and I do want children sometime in the future (I'm in my early 20s now). Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I panic before every stage my kids reach. But what helps me is to hang with parents of older children and listen to their stories and how they handle situations. Reading parenting books helps too, but I don't read...ever! lol I have followed alot of tips from my sis-in-law and so far so good. Also if I hear about something on the news that involveds kids slightly older than mine, I talk to my kids about it and we talk about what the right thing to do in that circumstance, or I ask them if they've ever been in certain situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I have 2 amazing little people and the thought never crossed my mind or occured to me to worry about what kind of people they would be. I stress over doing the right things for them from time to time.. but for me that comes from being a single Mom so I often have guilt when I have to work and they go to daycare.. so that aspect is hard on me at times.. or if i'm feeling overwhelmed with life it can be stressful trying to not show uncertainty at whats going to happen and reassuring my wee peeps we will be good to go even when I'm not so sure myself. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Merin, I've read your posts, I don't doubt that you're a great mother. I also commend you on not having fears or not showing them even if you did have them. My parents did the same with me but I wish they didn't fight all the time in front of us kids cause now it affects me and the relationships that I have. I'm just worried that I won't be able to do it all some day. But Ive heard many times that once you have babies, your priorities in life completely change and I hope that will happen to me. I just can't imagine going to work, and coming home to cooking, cleaning, bathing, reading, hubby if I have one, and while still wanting to have time for yourself at the end of the day. I want to be a good mother but what if I cannot give them everything that they want and need for a good life? It amazes at how all of you parents out there do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 Merin, I've read your posts, I don't doubt that you're a great mother. I also commend you on not having fears or not showing them even if you did have them. My parents did the same with me but I wish they didn't fight all the time in front of us kids cause now it affects me and the relationships that I have. I'm just worried that I won't be able to do it all some day. But Ive heard many times that once you have babies, your priorities in life completely change and I hope that will happen to me. I just can't imagine going to work, and coming home to cooking, cleaning, bathing, reading, hubby if I have one, and while still wanting to have time for yourself at the end of the day. I want to be a good mother but what if I cannot give them everything that they want and need for a good life? It amazes at how all of you parents out there do it. Thanks Sarah, For real thank you Being a Parent is hard, it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.. and I didn't expect to have to do it alone. BUT I also didn't want my Little People to grow up thinking what was between thier Dad and I to be considered a "good" or "normal" relationship.. I would rather do it on my own then to ever had my Kiddo's grow up thinking that kind of BS was acceptable or good enough.. For most people once the babies come along, yes life does change a lot.. for a lot of people it's the first time they've ever put someone else's needs in front of thier own.. for me I'm up by 530 every morning Monday through Friday to get me and 2 little people good to go for the day.. driving to drop them off at daycare when my oldest isn't in school, going the opposite way to work and then back to get them at the end of the work day to take care of dinner, bath time, and over 30 minutes to brush hair (it's long as crap on both my kids lol) and brush teeth.. play time, story time and talking them into going to sleep before we get up and do it all again. I worry about not being able to give them this, that, the other.. BUT honestly my peeps are the best thing thats ever happend to me, they make me laugh till I cry, they inspire me to do better, they keep me centered and keep things real for me.. All any parent can do is give thier kids love, guide them the best way you know how and be there for them.. I'm hoping for the best for them always, but my little folks will never question if thier Mom loved them more than anything and if I had it to give, gave it all. However know as well, that if you don't want to have Kids it doesn't make you a bad person Sarah.. Kiddo's are hard work and a work in progress.. I commend both sides of things, those who have them and bust thier butt being good parents and those who choose not to have Little People as well.. it's a difficult choice but yours alone to make. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 BUT honestly my peeps are the best thing thats ever happend to me, they make me laugh till I cry, they inspire me to do better, they keep me centered and keep things real for me.. All any parent can do is give thier kids love, guide them the best way you know how and be there for them.. Wow, this is so inspiring! Honestly, this children thing has been weighing on my mind a lot the last few years (even though I don't even have a boy to make children with!) and I'm still young. But I want to plan for the future and it really really scares me to have children. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist and I'm afraid I'm going to ruin the children I bring into this world. I am by no means a bad person, but I still am afraid of my children taking on any negative characteristics that I have. Or like, how do you know how strict to be and how relaxed you should be? How do you know when to not worry about them or trust them to do things? I am a fairly independent girl but I can't imagine having little peeps having to depend ON me as well...I mean, you're responsible for who your kids are..they're a reflection of you..and how do you know when they should become their own person and should ultimately be responsible for their own actions??? I feel like I should know all of this stuff before I get myself preggo someday.. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 Wow, this is so inspiring! Honestly, this children thing has been weighing on my mind a lot the last few years (even though I don't even have a boy to make children with!) and I'm still young. But I want to plan for the future and it really really scares me to have children. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist and I'm afraid I'm going to ruin the children I bring into this world. I am by no means a bad person, but I still am afraid of my children taking on any negative characteristics that I have. Or like, how do you know how strict to be and how relaxed you should be? How do you know when to not worry about them or trust them to do things? I am a fairly independent girl but I can't imagine having little peeps having to depend ON me as well...I mean, you're responsible for who your kids are..they're a reflection of you..and how do you know when they should become their own person and should ultimately be responsible for their own actions??? I feel like I should know all of this stuff before I get myself preggo someday.. LOL I was somewhat of a perfectionist too BEFORE I had my Kiddo's I was that person who was crazy with keeping my house clean, perfect vacuum line marks ya know what I'm saying? I've learned that it doesn't matter so much anymore... as long as my Little people are clean, they've got on clean clothes then yeah we're good to go! I've learned that if a cookie hasn't been on the floor for more than 15 seconds and the dog hasn't licked it, it's still okay to eat it... You're Wee Peeps do take on some of your charactaristics.. some good, some not so good.. and honestly it's okay for both! They will become independant on their own, often times when you're not ready for it... there isn't any rules or manuals for this job... BUT IMO as long as you're keeping it real, putting things in perspective and even if it's only for a few minutes a day seeing the world thru your Kids eyes... omg it's so worth it! Good Luck girl with whatever choices you make, I know they will be the right ones for you Link to post Share on other sites
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