Wanting a second chance.

[Caseycar]

My ex and I broke up about four months ago now, we have been in contact a few times outside of work (we see each other at work once every fortnight). I've tried just being his friend (twice) and it obviously failed.

He is now with a new girl, for a few weeks now she's not really his type but looks very similar to me. But very much different from me personality wise. It really hurts he's moved on so quickly. All the while sending me mixed messages and wanting to desperately stay friends. His behaviour in the beginning was very cold and distant and had blocked me off all social media and refused to talk to me for the first few month or so.

 

I did everything wrong begged looked pathetic etc and he just pulled away even further. But now as we have cut all contact outside of work and I'm making no effort to reconcile he is giving me signs he misses me, he stares at me at work, flirts/jokes around, even asked if I needed a lift home the other night. (Hasn't done that in many months. And is being uncharacteristicly nice and apologetic for things he doesn't have to apologise for. I have to say I've been heartbroken for months especially when I heard he was dating someone new. I went through all the stages. But I've kept my cool and acted happy for him. But now he seems worried I've moved on. We dated for four months, the split was only one sided as he was the dumper. I didn't agree at all. And it was pretty rough.

 

He's gone from ignoring me to seemingly rubbing the new girlfriend in my face even lying in the beginning about being with her to going on about it to make me jealous taking any chance to talk about plans he has with her, but acting super friendly and flirty with me, even touching me on the back as he jokes around, and also making remarks/compliments. I've lost a lot of weight since the break up telling me I looks super skinny and pretty. Am I going crazy or is he becoming interested again because I'm not reacting badly to his new girlfriend. And I'm not causing any drama and staying away but being reasonably nice to him?

Edited February 26, 2016 by Caseycar
Added

[smudge21]

What a prick! He not only wants his cake, he wants you to feed it to him too. You're doing the best thing in trying to avoid him. You know you did wrong in chasing him back then, the trouble is you fed his ego after he dumped you and now you take it away, he wants it back. Funny how dumpers always need that.

 

 

You can't know what's going on in his head (probably not much) and you can only focus on yourself, make yourself happy and let him live his life. He only wants you to show him attention again and the way he's acting, would you even want him back now? Is he really the person you loved anymore? Think about it, that guy you were with, would he have ever treated you like this? Surely not as you wouldn't be with him. Dumpers change and become really dicks when the dumpee starts moving on. In a way, they show their true colours. For me, it helped me realise that she wasn't really the person I thought she was. That helped me heal.

 

 

Carry on doing what you're doing and let him stew in his own choices and loss. You can do better and then you can be happy with someone who not only loves you, but respects you too.

[Caseycar]

Thanks Smudge21 I know that I deserve better and to be honest it's always been about his ego and the fact that he must be annoyed I'm no longer giving him attention. The funniest thing is I was someone in his life that loved him unconditionally and never asked him for anything but to just be happy. He just took me for granted, and what's worse..I let him. I was never good enough, he took all of my positive attitude and my confidence and made me feel terrible about myself. But I was stupid and continued to love him and even after all this time and all the pain. I still do. I just wish things were different. It's clear I love him and care about him much more than he does me. And it just hurts more knowing he just wants me to stroke his ego, he has done nothing to reconcile has never reached out to me. And I know I must move on but I can't help but be jealous of the new girl, I'm sure she's a great girl. Love really sucks sometimes. But I will continue to heal and take care of myself, I've definitely made some big positive changes in my life. Thank you for your kind words.

[PegNosePete]

He just took me for granted, and what's worse..I let him. I was never good enough, he took all of my positive attitude and my confidence and made me feel terrible about myself.

Print this off and stick it to your fridge. Every time you get jealous of the new girl, think of this. You should not feel jealousy, but pity. Poor girl, being with someone like that.

 

NC (as much as possible) will help you heal. Don't contact him out of work, and don't discuss anything personal at work. Tell him that from now on your interactions should only be those required to do your jobs. If he flirts tell him to cut it out else you'll go to HR.

[Caseycar]

Print this off and stick it to your fridge. Every time you get jealous of the new girl, think of this. You should not feel jealousy, but pity. Poor girl, being with someone like that.

 

NC (as much as possible) will help you heal. Don't contact him out of work, and don't discuss anything personal at work. Tell him that from now on your interactions should only be those required to do your jobs. If he flirts tell him to cut it out else you'll go to HR.

 

Thanks for your advice Pete and yes I plan on continuing to have NC, really after everything he has put me through I really feel he has lost any chance I'd take him back even if he begged me, it's just so hard you know? To love someone, lose them and to be constantly reminded 'oh look I have a great new girlfriend and she's way better than you.' I know that's not true, we have history and had a very strong bond and our relationship was great in the beginning, and they barely know each other. It just hurts. But I'm definitely not blind to the bad things about the relationship as well, that I'm grateful for.

 

I guess overall I just want us both to be happy. I'm just struggling with missing him, the good and the bad about him. I just hope I don't fall for anymore tricks, I'm just so sick of hurting over this man. I hate that he's made me feel so low about myself, if someone truly loves you they don't do that to you I guess is my biggest lesson. I guess I just have to remember the good times, forgive him and move forward. I just wish I didn't have to work with him it would be so much easier lol thanks again.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Caseycar

[Qboro90]

The way you get over it is by deliberately appearing to have moved on and have other interests and priorities when you're forced to be around your ex at work. And more importantly, when you do this, consciously be aware of his reactions and see that as you show less interest and sociability, he becomes more interested and outgoing towards you. Why is that important? Because it will start showing you that you have the upper hand, and that this guy (who has a gf btw) is not someone that is a good BF or a good person because 1. If he was he wouldn't be flirting and giving his ex rides home while dating someone else 2. Because it's always easier to get over someone when you can see the game they're playing.

 

He's stroking his ego by being able to know he still has some impact on you and probably could re ignite things if he said things the right way or charmed you despite what you're saying in this thread.

 

Don't focus on the good times you had. Sorry to be blunt but you're not going to go back to being great friends with him again. That ship sailed the second you started dating and developed strong feelings for him. And that ship sunk when he broke things off unexpectedly. Could you maybe be friends a year or two from now? Sure it's possible. But right now it's too fresh and the wound is still open, so thinking and trying to still be in his life and visa versa is detrimental to your ability to progress and move onto other opportunities.

 

If you didn't work together, you wouldn't have these small interactions with him to over analyze either. The jokes, touching your back. Those wouldn't exist. So you need to force yourself to not be in those scenarios or at least not fall for those little moves.

 

Oh, and no more rides home. That's pointless.

[smudge21]

Thanks Smudge21 I know that I deserve better and to be honest it's always been about his ego and the fact that he must be annoyed I'm no longer giving him attention. The funniest thing is I was someone in his life that loved him unconditionally and never asked him for anything but to just be happy. He just took me for granted, and what's worse..I let him. I was never good enough, he took all of my positive attitude and my confidence and made me feel terrible about myself. But I was stupid and continued to love him and even after all this time and all the pain. I still do. I just wish things were different. It's clear I love him and care about him much more than he does me. And it just hurts more knowing he just wants me to stroke his ego, he has done nothing to reconcile has never reached out to me. And I know I must move on but I can't help but be jealous of the new girl, I'm sure she's a great girl. Love really sucks sometimes. But I will continue to heal and take care of myself, I've definitely made some big positive changes in my life. Thank you for your kind words.

 

 

I reckon you see this so clearly (much more than many) and it's a shame that he still has some affect on you. Take Pete's great advice and read out all the negatives about him to yourself each morning. Try to remind yourself that this is how your ex is, not that person you slapped on a pedestal and worshipped. I recall saying of my ex "I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was" and that is so true in your situation too.

 

 

He's shown his true colours now you have to show yours and go live your life, the life he had a chance of being a part of and blew it. His loss. Your gain. My only concern is after so long something like this can hold you back and make you uncertain of letting people in. I lost out on someone who was closed off due to a past bad relationship and it eats me up to think how good things could've been if she hadn't been so damaged. Don't let that happen to you. Your past should never control your future and not every guy you meet will be like this bottom feeding pond life.

 

 

You deserve better. You know that.

[Caseycar]

The way you get over it is by deliberately appearing to have moved on and have other interests and priorities when you're forced to be around your ex at work. And more importantly, when you do this, consciously be aware of his reactions and see that as you show less interest and sociability, he becomes more interested and outgoing towards you. Why is that important? Because it will start showing you that you have the upper hand, and that this guy (who has a gf btw) is not someone that is a good BF or a good person because 1. If he was he wouldn't be flirting and giving his ex rides home while dating someone else 2. Because it's always easier to get over someone when you can see the game they're playing.

 

He's stroking his ego by being able to know he still has some impact on you and probably could re ignite things if he said things the right way or charmed you despite what you're saying in this thread.

 

Don't focus on the good times you had. Sorry to be blunt but you're not going to go back to being great friends with him again. That ship sailed the second you started dating and developed strong feelings for him. And that ship sunk when he broke things off unexpectedly. Could you maybe be friends a year or two from now? Sure it's possible. But right now it's too fresh and the wound is still open, so thinking and trying to still be in his life and visa versa is detrimental to your ability to progress and move onto other opportunities.

 

If you didn't work together, you wouldn't have these small interactions with him to over analyze either. The jokes, touching your back. Those wouldn't exist. So you need to force yourself to not be in those scenarios or at least not fall for those little moves.

 

Oh, and no more rides home. That's pointless.

 

Thank you I whole heartedly agree with you, and yes and I have noticed the changes in his behaviour, it really is terrible looking at it from how you describe it, he really does do that..man I've even told him this over and over when he struggled with me to stay friends, I specifically told him I couldn't be friends that I was only interested in a relationship (this was pretty early on after the BU) and after when he got the new gf that you have a girlfriend and I will not intervene with that, (I'm not that kind of girl lol) and especially after everything.. and you are right I'm worried he'll suck me back in with his charm.. I just need to stay strong and remind myself he's not that great a guy if this is the way I'm to be treated, I intend on being as blunt as possible with him, I don't want to be a bitch to him but I need to step up by not being as receptive to his behaviour (not going to take his crap anymore) lol you're right I just need to focus on other things! It's definitely gotten much easier as time has gone by..thank you so much for your input.

[Caseycar]

I reckon you see this so clearly (much more than many) and it's a shame that he still has some affect on you. Take Pete's great advice and read out all the negatives about him to yourself each morning. Try to remind yourself that this is how your ex is, not that person you slapped on a pedestal and worshipped. I recall saying of my ex "I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was" and that is so true in your situation too.

 

 

He's shown his true colours now you have to show yours and go live your life, the life he had a chance of being a part of and blew it. His loss. Your gain. My only concern is after so long something like this can hold you back and make you uncertain of letting people in. I lost out on someone who was closed off due to a past bad relationship and it eats me up to think how good things could've been if she hadn't been so damaged. Don't let that happen to you. Your past should never control your future and not every guy you meet will be like this bottom feeding pond life.

 

 

You deserve better. You know that.

 

You are so right! I think this has really helped being able to get outside point of views from you lovely people, and I've always had trust issues but I've learnt you always run the risk of getting hurt a lot in life, there is no harm giving people a chance. Just always be prepared that they may end up hurting you, and to make sure you have plenty of support systems too. You just have to know to protect yourself that's all, I've definitely learnt a great deal from what I do and DONT want from relationships through all of this. I'm going to show him he missed out on a great girl, that's one of the things I hope to teach him and that you shouldn't take people for granted because you will always end up regretting it, one day. Thank you again for your support

Edited February 26, 2016 by Caseycar

[Qboro90]

Thank you I whole heartedly agree with you, and yes and I have noticed the changes in his behaviour, it really is terrible looking at it from how you describe it, he really does do that..man I've even told him this over and over when he struggled with me to stay friends, I specifically told him I couldn't be friends that I was only interested in a relationship (this was pretty early on after the BU) and after when he got the new gf that you have a girlfriend and I will not intervene with that, (I'm not that kind of girl lol) and especially after everything.. and you are right I'm worried he'll suck me back in with his charm.. I just need to stay strong and remind myself he's not that great a guy if this is the way I'm to be treated, I intend on being as blunt as possible with him, I don't want to be a bitch to him but I need to step up by not being as receptive to his behaviour (not going to take his crap anymore) lol you're right I just need to focus on other things! It's definitely gotten much easier as time has gone by..thank you so much for your input.

 

 

Happy to help. One thing tho. I wouldn't suggest actually having a conversation with him to explain this new realization and stance you'll be taking with him. This is something that is for you to realize and undertake. It's not something you have to divulge and present to him like you're taking a final stand. Trust me, it means more just saying it with your actions and absence. As a guy, if my ex took the time to tell me that, then in my mind, I would just hear that she is still hung up on me and is literally telling me she needs to stay away from me because she'll be too tempted to fall for me again.

 

Don't give him that final ego boost. Just do this on your own. When he offers you a ride just say "no thanks". When he looks your way and tried to make eye contact, just don't let your eyes linger on his other than a fleeting glance. When he tries to joke or flirt, remove yourself from the situation. Don't dtand next to him so he can't playfully touch you. If he says anything you feel is inappropriate repeatedly ... Call him out on it on a way that makes him feel embarrassed and like he messed up by the way you confronted him with it. Do all this if you're forced to be around him. The best thing to do is to avoid him at work if you don't need to interact with him in order to do your job.

 

Once you do that, then you already have the ability to start moving on as you've shown in your OP. The proximity of you working with him is what throws a wrench in your process, so you can consciously address that and then you're all good. Go out with your friends. If you know you don't have weekend plans, then send your friends a text on Tuesday or Wednesday and see what people are doing or suggest something to get together. If you're into the gym, go. Get a routine. I've always found that after a tough breakup that lingers on my mind, if I force myself to occupy my time and get into new non ex related routines, then eventually the faking it of appearing busy/other things going on, becomes real and all of a sudden you haven't thought of them and are smiling at the cute girl (guy in your case) across the bar, aisle, table, etc. You get the picture.

[Caseycar]

Happy to help. One thing tho. I wouldn't suggest actually having a conversation with him to explain this new realization and stance you'll be taking with him. This is something that is for you to realize and undertake. It's not something you have to divulge and present to him like you're taking a final stand. Trust me, it means more just saying it with your actions and absence. As a guy, if my ex took the time to tell me that, then in my mind, I would just hear that she is still hung up on me and is literally telling me she needs to stay away from me because she'll be too tempted to fall for me again.

 

Don't give him that final ego boost. Just do this on your own. When he offers you a ride just say "no thanks". When he looks your way and tried to make eye contact, just don't let your eyes linger on his other than a fleeting glance. When he tries to joke or flirt, remove yourself from the situation. Don't dtand next to him so he can't playfully touch you. If he says anything you feel is inappropriate repeatedly ... Call him out on it on a way that makes him feel embarrassed and like he messed up by the way you confronted him with it. Do all this if you're forced to be around him. The best thing to do is to avoid him at work if you don't need to interact with him in order to do your job.

 

Once you do that, then you already have the ability to start moving on as you've shown in your OP. The proximity of you working with him is what throws a wrench in your process, so you can consciously address that and then you're all good. Go out with your friends. If you know you don't have weekend plans, then send your friends a text on Tuesday or Wednesday and see what people are doing or suggest something to get together. If you're into the gym, go. Get a routine. I've always found that after a tough breakup that lingers on my mind, if I force myself to occupy my time and get into new non ex related routines, then eventually the faking it of appearing busy/other things going on, becomes real and all of a sudden you haven't thought of them and are smiling at the cute girl (guy in your case) across the bar, aisle, table, etc. You get the picture.

 

Oh yes I definitely don't intend on letting him in on the situation, he needs to wonder why I'm not paying attention anymore. This might sound a bit spiteful but that's the beauty of it he'll have to spend his time wondering why I no longer pay attention and it will bug the crap out of him. After everything I've gone through he needs to feel the same rejection. It's only fair really. And that's exactly what I've been doing I go to gym and work, and I hang out with my friends (a lot) lol it really does help immensely. And I've thrown myself back into my favourite hobbies (drawing, playing video games etc) it's all about distracting yourself and allowing the rejection and hurt to catapult your confidence and help you make the necessary and good changes in life not bring you down. I have to say you give out really great advice. It's really inspired me not to feel so sad about everything and look at it as a positive thing ? I'm looking forward to meeting a great guy sometime in the future too!

[smudge21]

I'm going to show him he missed out on a great girl

 

 

You go girl! His loss and he's a jerk of the highest order, and it's not just in leaving you either. People break up all the time for any number of reasons. His jerkiness comes from the way he's acting now, like a child with all the toys but only wants what he can't have. Little foolish brat!

 

 

Nothing more rewarding then when a dumper comes crawling back and you've fully moved on. They always appear smaller and lot more ugly than you remember too...

[Caseycar]

You go girl! His loss and he's a jerk of the highest order, and it's not just in leaving you either. People break up all the time for any number of reasons. His jerkiness comes from the way he's acting now, like a child with all the toys but only wants what he can't have. Little foolish brat!

 

 

Nothing more rewarding then when a dumper comes crawling back and you've fully moved on. They always appear smaller and lot more ugly than you remember too...

 

Haha why thank you! Lol yes from now on I'm going to make sure I'm treated well by whomever I end up with (not my ex I guarantee you!) I'm a good person you know and I deserve respect! Haha yeah he's acting very bratty, one thing he refuses to realise too is the second he started dating someone else I've been completely turned off by him, it's basically like a big hypothetical kick in the face lol his loss! I can see it now I can tell he's going to be the type to come back once I'm completely over him as I'm at about 65% now, it's going to be interesting lol

[smudge21]

Haha why thank you! Lol yes from now on I'm going to make sure I'm treated well by whomever I end up with (not my ex I guarantee you!) I'm a good person you know and I deserve respect! Haha yeah he's acting very bratty, one thing he refuses to realise too is the second he started dating someone else I've been completely turned off by him, it's basically like a big hypothetical kick in the face lol his loss! I can see it now I can tell he's going to be the type to come back once I'm completely over him as I'm at about 65% now, it's going to be interesting lol

Crikey, there's so many nice people on here hurting over bad ex's it makes one wonder how these horrible people seem to get dates all the time. At least now, when you're standing back, you can see what he's truly like. I remember the ex who brought me here years ago (we shall call jabberwocky, it seems to fit) and the way I thought she was "the one". Move forward a year after no contact and lots of finding out about her darker side, I meet her again and it's like ewww, really? She was still very attractive, but I think real beauty comes from within and so I just saw this horrible person. Can't believe I invested so much of me into her and thought I'd spend my life with her.

That 65% will increase as this story goes on and you'll start to see his dark side over his good more and more. Just focus on you and whatever makes you happy, whatever it may be. You'll be fine and some lucky guy will be waiting for you when you're ready.

[TheScientist]

You go girl! His loss and he's a jerk of the highest order, and it's not just in leaving you either. People break up all the time for any number of reasons. His jerkiness comes from the way he's acting now, like a child with all the toys but only wants what he can't have. Little foolish brat!

 

 

Nothing more rewarding then when a dumper comes crawling back and you've fully moved on. They always appear smaller and lot more ugly than you remember too...

 

Totally agree with this - jerk of the highest order!

 

 

rubbing your nose in it, I mean how is that fair when you have done nothing but been good to him, when men do things like that under such circumstances (i don't think being cruel is ever OK, but it's not like you cheated and he is just trying to feel better!) it really shows who they are. My ex did similar when he heard that someone else was interested in me!

 

Clearly a nasty person with issues and to get some sort of warped satisfaction out of it...so unnecessary.

 

Hope you feel better soon!

 

xxxxx

[Qboro90]

Oh yes I definitely don't intend on letting him in on the situation, he needs to wonder why I'm not paying attention anymore. This might sound a bit spiteful but that's the beauty of it he'll have to spend his time wondering why I no longer pay attention and it will bug the crap out of him. After everything I've gone through he needs to feel the same rejection. It's only fair really. And that's exactly what I've been doing I go to gym and work, and I hang out with my friends (a lot) lol it really does help immensely. And I've thrown myself back into my favourite hobbies (drawing, playing video games etc) it's all about distracting yourself and allowing the rejection and hurt to catapult your confidence and help you make the necessary and good changes in life not bring you down. I have to say you give out really great advice. It's really inspired me not to feel so sad about everything and look at it as a positive thing ? I'm looking forward to meeting a great guy sometime in the future too!

 

I've had my fair share of being guilty of playing head games and fishing for ego boosts from girls/ ex's so I'm just making you aware what guys like your ex might be thinkin/doing through their actions. Truth is that men and women do think and see things differently so I try to caution girls on doing things or reading into things that they think is going through their guys head. Honestly most of the time it's not as deeply rooted or purposeful as you'd like to think. I'm sure I sucked a bunch of girls I ended things with back in without even realizing it. Especially if your ex is a social guy or jokes around. That's just his natural personality so while you might perceive it as little hints that he's interested, he might not even be aware as to how much you're being affected by it. So the last thing you wanna do is make him aware.

 

We're attracted to not being able to know what's going through a girls head and emotions. Not being transparent, or available, or approachable, will do more for you than any outward action or conversation would. In my opinion at least.

 

And while I know that the "revenge" or "shoes on the other foot now sucka " feeling is outstanding. I definitely wouldn't go about this with that hope in mind. Be prepared for him to not notice or react at all. That way you're not sucked back in by his obliviousness and lack of noticing. Wanting to have him feel the same pain you felt is still giving him more power over your emotions, even if they're not positive ones. If he does react or pout or whatever, and you could care less, that's when you really have a good hold of yourself and your emotions.

Thanks for the compliment. It'll all work out. Anyone you date for 4 months, won't even be a blip on your radar 10 months, 2 years from now. You'll have a whole new set of guy issues going on. So look forward to that haha

[Caseycar]

Crikey, there's so many nice people on here hurting over bad ex's it makes one wonder how these horrible people seem to get dates all the time. At least now, when you're standing back, you can see what he's truly like. I remember the ex who brought me here years ago (we shall call jabberwocky, it seems to fit) and the way I thought she was "the one". Move forward a year after no contact and lots of finding out about her darker side, I meet her again and it's like ewww, really? She was still very attractive, but I think real beauty comes from within and so I just saw this horrible person. Can't believe I invested so much of me into her and thought I'd spend my life with her.

That 65% will increase as this story goes on and you'll start to see his dark side over his good more and more. Just focus on you and whatever makes you happy, whatever it may be. You'll be fine and some lucky guy will be waiting for you when you're ready.

 

Luckily for me I am starting to see his true colours, I feel I should give everyone a bit more information on our relationship and why it broke down..when we were dating he would always tell me how he's such a nice guy, that he's a bit insecure about certain things but overall that he's not vindictive or spiteful. I believed him, but I could see his true behaviour starting to seep through. He'd been very cocky and arrogant from the beginning but he was also a huge charmer, showered me with love and attention. Would do anything for me. And since the breakup he has proven otherwise. He's also incredibly emotionally unavailable. Could never be serious or talk about serious topics. We were inseparable best friends, I was his first true best friend and gf in many years. At every turn he seems to be acting out of the fear of losing me completely as he's grown very attached to me for comfort, support (sex) everything and now acting out of spite, and resentment as he blames me for causing him to break up with me. When in reality it was his own fears. He felt it was getting too serious and that he was not ready for commitment and he couldn't be what I wanted him to be. He was notorious for flirting and saying sexual things to other girls while we were dating to girls online (Skype and Facebook) and was even messaging another girl from work having very intimate conversations who he knew I disliked. To which I constantly confronted him about. Where he would get angry and say I was taking his freedom. I understand because he's been single for many years and to have a gf all of a sudden it's understandable but he just never wanted to commit to only me. But i didn't deserve that. When you are dating someone that should be the only girl you give love and attention to.. I honestly feel used...

 

Plus he's incredibly insecure needs constant validation from girls and has major trust issues of his own. I feel like because all of his friends saw me as a trophy girlfriend (that's what they told him) because I'm very attractive apparently and I take care of myself very well he was starting to feel the pressure of becoming more serious, and he panicked. Keep in mind he still lives with his parents (he's 26yrs) and I live in my own house with a roomie. I never asked him to move out together or anything else. I just wanted to start taking the right steps as we were getting more and more serious. I just feel he is a serious commitment phobe. He has a string of short lived exes before me (a lot of online gfs) who all basically left him. And now this poor girl he's seeing which I feel is a 'rebound' to deal with the pain of the breakup or more a way to numb the pain has to deal with the same crap from him. Shes the opposite of me and who he's normally into and acts like he's not really that intrigued by her in the first place. I just know she'll get used because he wants that intimacy and love again because he was so used to it from me, but when he realises she's not me and that he can't replace me with her, he'll just use her till he doesn't feel as lonely anymore then discard her as well. I do feel very sorry for her, no one deserves that. It's just really stupid he's acting this way. And you are all right, he's not the same man I fell in love with. Or spent so much time with. He's completely changed. I just wish I could wave a wand and get him to admit he's not over me in the slightest and just wants to play games with me. It hurts coming from the one person you trusted the most NOT to hurt you.

[Caseycar]

I've had my fair share of being guilty of playing head games and fishing for ego boosts from girls/ ex's so I'm just making you aware what guys like your ex might be thinkin/doing through their actions. Truth is that men and women do think and see things differently so I try to caution girls on doing things or reading into things that they think is going through their guys head. Honestly most of the time it's not as deeply rooted or purposeful as you'd like to think. I'm sure I sucked a bunch of girls I ended things with back in without even realizing it. Especially if your ex is a social guy or jokes around. That's just his natural personality so while you might perceive it as little hints that he's interested, he might not even be aware as to how much you're being affected by it. So the last thing you wanna do is make him aware.

 

We're attracted to not being able to know what's going through a girls head and emotions. Not being transparent, or available, or approachable, will do more for you than any outward action or conversation would. In my opinion at least.

 

And while I know that the "revenge" or "shoes on the other foot now sucka " feeling is outstanding. I definitely wouldn't go about this with that hope in mind. Be prepared for him to not notice or react at all. That way you're not sucked back in by his obliviousness and lack of noticing. Wanting to have him feel the same pain you felt is still giving him more power over your emotions, even if they're not positive ones. If he does react or pout or whatever, and you could care less, that's when you really have a good hold of yourself and your emotions.

Thanks for the compliment. It'll all work out. Anyone you date for 4 months, won't even be a blip on your radar 10 months, 2 years from now. You'll have a whole new set of guy issues going on. So look forward to that haha

 

Yes I figured as much that he's just using me to feel better about himself, he is driven by guilt a lot of the time and it does seem like he is sorry for a lot of what he put me through but at the same time it just really sucks. It sucks that I'm aware that this is most likely what he is doing and maybe even a lot of it is subconsciously but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. It's more the case that he's constantly rejected me, constantly ignored the chance to get back together. But the only time he's been interested is now that I'm acting like I'm not interested and cold shouldering him. It really is true that men want what they no longer have control over and what they can't have..where is the guy who loved me? You know? He's just disappeared it seems. And the worse part is I know he won't change. He'll come back in a few months to see if he still can have that power over me and because he's curious if I'm still pining for him. But not because he truly missed me and regrets letting me go. He's incapable of doing that.. Man I really don't like him but I can't stop loving him! I can't wait for the day I can truly stand in front of him and feel nothing.

[smudge21]

I firmly believe the hardest part of any breakup is that moment the person you've given your all to, the one you love so much and believe is worthy of you, turns out to be the total opposite of what you thought. It's such a let down and you feel that it can't be true. For many we refuse to accept it and hold on. Refuse to let go and walk away as by walking away it means we were wrong, we made the wrong choice, and that looks bad on us. The truth is, we never truly know someone until we truly know them. Many people play games, pretend to be something else in order to get with someone. But the truth always comes out - no one can keep pretending for that long. It's just a shame that often that truth doesn't come out until after we've fallen for them. If only life came with a lie detector!

[Qboro90]

Yes I figured as much that he's just using me to feel better about himself, he is driven by guilt a lot of the time and it does seem like he is sorry for a lot of what he put me through but at the same time it just really sucks. It sucks that I'm aware that this is most likely what he is doing and maybe even a lot of it is subconsciously but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. It's more the case that he's constantly rejected me, constantly ignored the chance to get back together. But the only time he's been interested is now that I'm acting like I'm not interested and cold shouldering him. It really is true that men want what they no longer have control over and what they can't have..where is the guy who loved me? You know? He's just disappeared it seems. And the worse part is I know he won't change. He'll come back in a few months to see if he still can have that power over me and because he's curious if I'm still pining for him. But not because he truly missed me and regrets letting me go. He's incapable of doing that.. Man I really don't like him but I can't stop loving him! I can't wait for the day I can truly stand in front of him and feel nothing.

 

You ask where the guy who loved you went.... When I read you description of him and your relationship I'm sorry but I don't really see why you think there is this great, charming, committed, loyal, and loving guy still inside him or part of him at all based on his actions.

Aside from the initial beginning phase of a relationship, where everyone is perfect and it's the best, most excitIng, love expressed time for pretty much every couple ... You even said that you started to see his true colors and behavior start to be uncovered. So that "loving guy" you miss and want to know where he went.... He never existed. The true person was the guy who kept you close enough to sleep with and feel cared for and loved by, but didn't care or love you enough to vocalize his feelings for you in any way that would make you feel less uneasy about his commitment going forward or where he felt as far as his feelings for you... Even if he wasn't ready to move in together, or take the next physical step of the relationship.

 

The guy who flirted with other girls, and embarrassed you with his behavior with his work colleague.... That's not "him acting out because he's scared of commitment".... That's just a dick.

 

You can think about the best possible hopes for who he is, was, or could be. But why don't you focus on what he actually is through how he's treated you as a whole. If you had a daughter and she was seeing a guy exactly like your ex... Would you tell her to stick with it? Or would you tell her that she needs to hold higher standards for the people she dates and be strong enough to have a 0 tolerance policy when it comes to guys not treating you like an absolute treasure.

 

Also, I know it's tough, but try not to insert your perceptions about his current girlfriend and why he's with her or who she is as a person. Thinking that she looks like you or is the polar opposite of you. That's making it seem like he's subconsciously obsessed with you somehow by making that girl appear the way I which it fits your perception and agenda. She has nothing to do with your relationship with him or how you should feel now and going forward.

 

Is it true that men only want what they can't have or only realize it once they've lost it. That's not necessarily how I'd categorize it. Of course every guy is different but for a lot of guys it doesn't carry as much deeper emotion or care that you as a girl would like to believe. Example: I could break up with my gf of 2 years because I wasn't feeling excited about the relationship anymore, didn't have that attraction that I first had at the beginning, and just didn't want to continue going through the same routine at that point in my life. Nothing personal right? Then after 3 months, I'm going through a dry spell and haven't had much luck dating when I find out my ex is starting to see someone else. Now all of a sudden I think she's prettier than I thought, think that what we had was special and I miss it, etc. Is that true? Did I realize I really do care about her and need her in my life?

 

Unfortunately most of the time the answer is no. I see something/someone that I used to mean a lot to, smiling and appearing to be fine without me and the natural instinct is to say "hey hey, wait a sec, I changed my mind, let's maybe try again". Then the second my ex says she wants to give me another shot and get together... I realize -" wait... Nothin has changed as far as the reasons why I broke up with her. The routine is gonna be the same, I'm not thrilled to see her every single time.. She hasn't changed her looks drastically... Soo maybe I just liked knowing I was better than the guy she started seeing or whatever u wanna say.

 

Sorry if that sounds like a scummy explanation. It definitely isn't the nicest or most mature way to go about it. But I'm just illustrating how there's not necessarily this conscious effort or realization in a guys mind. More often than not its just a natural reaction that comes out without the actual deeper resolution of love and realizing you need that girl in your life.

[Caseycar]

You ask where the guy who loved you went.... When I read you description of him and your relationship I'm sorry but I don't really see why you think there is this great, charming, committed, loyal, and loving guy still inside him or part of him at all based on his actions.

Aside from the initial beginning phase of a relationship, where everyone is perfect and it's the best, most excitIng, love expressed time for pretty much every couple ... You even said that you started to see his true colors and behavior start to be uncovered. So that "loving guy" you miss and want to know where he went.... He never existed. The true person was the guy who kept you close enough to sleep with and feel cared for and loved by, but didn't care or love you enough to vocalize his feelings for you in any way that would make you feel less uneasy about his commitment going forward or where he felt as far as his feelings for you... Even if he wasn't ready to move in together, or take the next physical step of the relationship.

 

The guy who flirted with other girls, and embarrassed you with his behavior with his work colleague.... That's not "him acting out because he's scared of commitment".... That's just a dick.

 

You can think about the best possible hopes for who he is, was, or could be. But why don't you focus on what he actually is through how he's treated you as a whole. If you had a daughter and she was seeing a guy exactly like your ex... Would you tell her to stick with it? Or would you tell her that she needs to hold higher standards for the people she dates and be strong enough to have a 0 tolerance policy when it comes to guys not treating you like an absolute treasure.

 

Also, I know it's tough, but try not to insert your perceptions about his current girlfriend and why he's with her or who she is as a person. Thinking that she looks like you or is the polar opposite of you. That's making it seem like he's subconsciously obsessed with you somehow by making that girl appear the way I which it fits your perception and agenda. She has nothing to do with your relationship with him or how you should feel now and going forward.

 

Is it true that men only want what they can't have or only realize it once they've lost it. That's not necessarily how I'd categorize it. Of course every guy is different but for a lot of guys it doesn't carry as much deeper emotion or care that you as a girl would like to believe. Example: I could break up with my gf of 2 years because I wasn't feeling excited about the relationship anymore, didn't have that attraction that I first had at the beginning, and just didn't want to continue going through the same routine at that point in my life. Nothing personal right? Then after 3 months, I'm going through a dry spell and haven't had much luck dating when I find out my ex is starting to see someone else. Now all of a sudden I think she's prettier than I thought, think that what we had was special and I miss it, etc. Is that true? Did I realize I really do care about her and need her in my life?

 

Unfortunately most of the time the answer is no. I see something/someone that I used to mean a lot to, smiling and appearing to be fine without me and the natural instinct is to say "hey hey, wait a sec, I changed my mind, let's maybe try again". Then the second my ex says she wants to give me another shot and get together... I realize -" wait... Nothin has changed as far as the reasons why I broke up with her. The routine is gonna be the same, I'm not thrilled to see her every single time.. She hasn't changed her looks drastically... Soo maybe I just liked knowing I was better than the guy she started seeing or whatever u wanna say.

 

Sorry if that sounds like a scummy explanation. It definitely isn't the nicest or most mature way to go about it. But I'm just illustrating how there's not necessarily this conscious effort or realization in a guys mind. More often than not its just a natural reaction that comes out without the actual deeper resolution of love and realizing you need that girl in your life.

 

You are so right. I think this is what I've needed to hear, a thousand times thank you. I know I'm struggling to accept the truth as to who he really is, and the reality of the situation because when I think about everything he has done about the breakup and to me I start thinking but what does that say about me? Am I unworthy of true love and affection? Am I that unappealing.. I'm so stupid to let someone treat me like that. I fell for this man. Who turned out to be quite a terrible person. I must not be very special if that's how a guy feels he should treat me..does that mean I'm destined to always be treated like that by guys? Because I'm so quick to let them. Its a constant battle to just see the truth for what it is, in its entirety. Denial is tough. But I'm working on it. Honestly I'm so glad you are being brutally honest, I'll take that over sugar coating any day.

 

P.S it wasn't a scummy explanation, it really helps having a guys point of view on the situation it really makes sense to me the way you've explained it

Edited February 27, 2016 by Caseycar

[Qboro90]

You are so right. I think this is what I've needed to hear, a thousand times thank you. I know I'm struggling to accept the truth as to who he really is, and the reality of the situation because when I think about everything he has done about the breakup and to me I start thinking but what does that say about me? Am I unworthy of true love and affection? Am I that unappealing.. I'm so stupid to let someone treat me like that. I fell for this man. Who turned out to be quite a terrible person. I must not be very special if that's how a guy feels he should treat me..does that mean I'm destined to always be treated like that by guys? Because I'm so quick to let them. Its a constant battle to just see the truth for what it is, in its entirety. Denial is tough. But I'm working on it. Honestly I'm so glad you are being brutally honest, I'll take that over sugar coating any day.

 

P.S it wasn't a scummy explanation, it really helps having a guys point of view on the situation it really makes sense to me the way you've explained it ��

 

Well kudos to you for being able to take someone else's thoughts on the matter constructively. Unfortunately most people, men and women will describe their troubles and then when given outside input and unbiased opinions, react negatively because it disproves the hope they're holding onto or the truth in which they see it in their heads despite the reality of the matter. Very few people are able to say "hey, that's actually a good point, I didn't think to look at it that way, I'll take it into consideration". Nice to see you're rational enough to be that way.

 

As for you putting yourself down and asking "am I that unappealing? Am I that stupid to let him treat me that way?". Don't be so hard on yourself. Realize that there are millions of other 20 something's out there (myself included) who have been screwed over, broken up with, left unexpectedly, abused, strung along, etc and it's not a reflection of them as bad people or negatively whatsoever. When someone gets shot by a stray bullet... Do we say "there must be something wrong with that person, they were living in the wrong neighborhood, or shouldn't have been out at night standing there". Of course not. The person who shot the gun is the *******. Not you.

 

If anything you should be proud that you haven't done the back and forth of getting back together then breaking up, then getting back together nonsense that tons of people do because they fall for the charm and apologies and promises hoping and hoping that this time it'll work out. You've been able to avoid that. It's ok to feel like it's difficult and at times really hard to resist contacting or reacting to something he says or does, but that's normal.

 

The people who get back together with people who they know treated them poorly or cheated or whatever... Get back together because they are desperately hoping to regain and capture the initial "best hope for what their partner and their relationship COULD have been". That's a fleeting useless process because it's based on something that never existed and there's no evidence to suggest it's even possible. So now that you see that the best person he could possibly be, isn't the guy he is, or is capable of becoming anytime soon (or ever maybe) then you can look at him at work and be like "whew... Dodged a bullet with that one" instead of trying to push his current gf out of the way in order to line yourself up to get shot.

 

^^ boom... Sick analogy. I'll bow out on that and saying that if you got your **** together, have a job, and look descent in leggings and a summer dress then you should be having a pretty stellar summer upcoming. First world problems ain't that bad when you look at it that way huh? Haha good luck

[Qboro90]

Well kudos to you for being able to take someone else's thoughts on the matter constructively. Unfortunately most people, men and women will describe their troubles and then when given outside input and unbiased opinions, react negatively because it disproves the hope they're holding onto or the truth in which they see it in their heads despite the reality of the matter. Very few people are able to say "hey, that's actually a good point, I didn't think to look at it that way, I'll take it into consideration". Nice to see you're rational enough to be that way.

 

As for you putting yourself down and asking "am I that unappealing? Am I that stupid to let him treat me that way?". Don't be so hard on yourself. Realize that there are millions of other 20 something's out there (myself included) who have been screwed over, broken up with, left unexpectedly, abused, strung along, etc and it's not a reflection of them as bad people or negatively whatsoever. When someone gets shot by a stray bullet... Do we say "there must be something wrong with that person, they were living in the wrong neighborhood, or shouldn't have been out at night standing there". Of course not. The person who shot the gun is the *******. Not you.

 

If anything you should be proud that you haven't done the back and forth of getting back together then breaking up, then getting back together nonsense that tons of people do because they fall for the charm and apologies and promises hoping and hoping that this time it'll work out. You've been able to avoid that. It's ok to feel like it's difficult and at times really hard to resist contacting or reacting to something he says or does, but that's normal.

 

The people who get back together with people who they know treated them poorly or cheated or whatever... Get back together because they are desperately hoping to regain and capture the initial "best hope for what their partner and their relationship COULD have been". That's a fleeting useless process because it's based on something that never existed and there's no evidence to suggest it's even possible. So now that you see that the best person he could possibly be, isn't the guy he is, or is capable of becoming anytime soon (or ever maybe) then you can look at him at work and be like "whew... Dodged a bullet with that one" instead of trying to push his current gf out of the way in order to line yourself up to get shot.

 

^^ boom... Sick analogy. I'll bow out on that and saying that if you got your **** together, have a job, and look descent in leggings and a summer dress then you should be having a pretty stellar summer upcoming. First world problems ain't that bad when you look at it that way huh? Haha good luck

[Caseycar]

Ok so update.. My ex was in the hospital over the weekend. It was pretty serious, I heard about it while I was at work on Monday. I caved in and sent him a message on Facebook to check up on him and to wish him a speedy recovery, he didn't reply but I'm sure he got the message. And then I find out today that he has broken up with his new gf.. Apparently she didn't care he was in the hospital and didn't even go to see him. Which I find ridiculous..even though we aren't together and aren't even friends I would have dropped everything If I'd known he was sick and rushed to hospital..the thing is this whole thing has really made me start to miss him like crazy. It's just weird that as soon as I acted concerned and sent him the message I did and the fact that the GF couldn't care less about him and now he's broken up with her..has everything finally made him realise he misses me.. I'm so freaking torn. I'm worried he's going to contact me soon and I'm not going to know how to handle it. I love him but I just know he's just not right for me. I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone have advice?

[PegNosePete]

then I find out today that he has broken up with his new gf

Who told you this?

 

the thing is this whole thing has really made me start to miss him like crazy.

Yes, breaking NC puts you back to square 1.

 

Don't do it again!

 

has everything finally made him realise he misses me

There is a very simple test to determine whether that's true or not.

 

Look at your phone.

 

Does it have a message from him saying "I miss you, I was a fool, I want you back, how can I fix this?"?

 

... I'm guessing there is no such message, right?

 

Then that is proof that he has not changed his mind.

 

He just took me for granted, and what's worse..I let him. I was never good enough, he took all of my positive attitude and my confidence and made me feel terrible about myself.

Remember when you wrote this? Did you print it off and stick it to your fridge like I advised?

Edited March 2, 2016 by PegNosePete