Found ex on dating site ...just venting

[monkeymaid]

8 months since our breakup and I just found you on OKCupid. I thought I was perfectly fine, and now I am having an anxiety attack and need to go into work. I hate you for moving without me. I hate you for not being able to make a decision and forcing me to. I hate you for letting me love you for so long, and I hate you for giving me false hope. I hate you for smiling so big all the time and I hate you for turning my world upside down. ...The thing I hate you the most for though, is that I cant really hate you and that I am still out of my mind in love with you. I hate that I still feel your face in my hand, and I hate that I wake up with you in my dreams. I hate that I cant seem to let you go, and I hate that I want you to come back to me. I hate that you never called. I hate that you are afraid to love me. I hate that you didnt choose to at least give us a better shot. Im a grown ass man, and I still miss you after all this time. I've held of on these other girls out of pure, blind hope.

 

Im trying to love myself better. Im giving myself time and space and compassion. Im doing it all. Women have been throwing themselves at me, and all I want is you. What the hell is wrong with me? I dont know how to want something else. I dont know how to love someone else and I dont know how to let you go completely. I don;t know what else to do or not do. Dear god, what am I supposed to do?

[Mr. Disposable]

Good for you for writing it out, man. Nothing is wrong with you. When you only want one thing, nothing else will do.

 

You're human and this is a pretty normal way to feel right now. Every word of what you're feeling...I empathize with. It's okay that you don't want anyone else right now and it's even okay that you don't feel like you can be with other women right now.

 

That isn't necessarily the best or the healthiest way to get over someone and it's not gonna be for everybody. Let it out, be upset if you need to. I know it hurts and I know how it feels. Believe me.

 

You sound like a good guy who's in touch with his feelings and so this is affecting you a little more deeply than it would most. That's also good. It means you're capable of love and some woman is going to be really grateful for that one of these days.

 

I mean, f*ck. You've already got girls chasing after you. You're doing better than me!

[monkeymaid]

Thanks man. I went on there just to see that other women exist, then I ran into her. Without batting an eyelash, I messaged her with a laughable message, then it sunk in. Shes got to live her life, and I have to live mine, but its not gonna be together. There wasnt anything wrong per se, but she was really inexperienced and wanted to go to Grad School alone (more accurately, she wanted to go on her own, and for me to follow her, but not for us to go together). I know that speaks volumes as to where she is, and its basically GIGS, and I know that if thats how she felt, then I couldnt do **** about it, so instead of following her like a puppy, I manned up (its just a turn of phrase, I am aware that "woman up" can be fit in there as well), and made the call. There was still so much love though. We ended up going on some dates after, and they were amazing. I just dont know why she felt like she had to go. I keep going round and round trying to figure out what I could have done differently.

 

Im not super money/career ambitious (even though I do alright), and I think thats what got to her. She comes from a very well off family so does not know what it means to have to budget for life. Do I really want to push myself into something I dont love to keep her happy though. Part of me says yes, absolutely, as part of being a good man is giving freely, and sacrifice. Another part of me says that that would be silly and I would end up hating my own life.

 

I guess I just feel abandoned, and like I simply was not enough, and that **** is like a knife to the gut. Im like 90% sure she isnt going to find a love like that again. The part of me that loves her unconditionally hopes she does (atm, with me, but I genuinely want her to be happy), and the vindictive ******* in me wants her to never be happy again, and for me to find everything I want so I can rub it in her face so she KNOWS what she gave up.

 

We were both on that site though, so Im sure shes going through the same **** I am at this point ¯\(°_o)/¯ ....I dunno. Thanks for the kind words though bud. I suppose we just keep breathing, and crawling forward if thats what it comes to.

[Murek]

I've realised through out my own life is simply, they either want to be in your life or they do not.

 

If they aren't going to invest any time into you or effort than truly what's the point of having them around. Unfortunately its much harder to do than it is to say.

 

Firstly I feel you, everybody struggles with self worth after losing someone. However you can't think that way, she gave up on you - regardless of the reason to put it short; if she can't realise your worth than truly it's her loss.

 

Essentially, take the time to realise that you truly matter.

It might sound idiotic but tell yourself that

1: no matter how hard it gets, or how hard it is - I'll be okay

2: I'm worth it.

3: I'm worth having the love that I gave her to be given back to me.

 

I'm glad you wrote this out though, it helps a ****-ton to get this stuff out.

[sorano]

I know the feeling very well. I am going through the same thing. I prayed and prayed every night for help. That sick feeling you get when someone just drops you. I got the axe myself.

 

I did nothing wrong. I treated my gf how a woman should be treated. respected her, loved her, and would go to the moon and back. I was just myself. The nice gentleman.

 

she did a 180 one day and just left. All the stuff she said, what she made me believe, how she turned my life upside down, I hate her for that. I know how you feel. I still think of my ex.