Haven't dated in a decade, 28 and a virgin, consdering suicide

[JGF87]

I'm turning 29 in May, but my only experience with love, relationships, and dating at all has been dating a girl I randomly met for two-three months in early 2007. Since then, I have been unable to do anything at all. No relationships, no dates, no sex, nothing. I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years, have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

 

At this point, I'm planning to commit suicide in a few days because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I've turned out. People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now. I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped. Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet, I'm ready to die alone.

[d0nnivain]

Please call a suicide hotline instead. Get yourself into therapy. Therapy will help you form relationships to stop this pattern which is making you sad.

[CarrieT]

I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped.

Have you had in-depth psychological counseling? Because there is no medication to "make you think" differently.

 

Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet...

Again, how much therapy have you had?

[JGF87]

I've been going to therapy almost every week for over 20 years and have called suicide hotlines at least a hundred times by now. It's hopeless.

[d0nnivain]

What are your therapists telling you? Are you following their advice?

 

If you have been in therapy since you were 8 that is a very long time. There has to be more to the story then you are sharing here.

[JGF87]

They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

 

I have been in therapy since I was 8. I initially developed depression and complete self-hatred at that age, and the list of problems has just expanded over the years as I've failed out of three colleges, compare myself to everyone else in my family as they're all more successful and in relationships, and been hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. I just think I'm a defective product that can't be repaired, so I should be destroyed. I'm a nice, witty and handsome guy, but everything else about me sucks.

[mikeylo]

Stop thinking about having a girlfriend. Stop comparing yourself with others.These are the first steps before you do anything.

 

You are ONLY 29 !

 

Many people have been where you are and found their partner later in life and wished they had found them earlier !

 

Use this time to make yourself healthy.Once you are healthy, all pieces will begin to fall together.Its not easy.You probably need to get into therapy with a different mind frame. Dont go looking for a quick how to get a girl ! Many times a wrong relationship can screw you up for worse.To get the right girl, you need to be right !

[Qboro90]

I've been going to therapy almost every week for over 20 years and have called suicide hotlines at least a hundred times by now. It's hopeless.

 

Is it the same therapist? I think you really should go see a new psychologist or psychiatrist who can prescribe you medicine after a more in depth study and physical exam. There's a huge different between therapists and counseling and a psychiatrist.

 

Most people who have suicidal thoughts don't realize that the medication they're on or have been on have A LOT to do with why you're thinking about this. The side effects aren't a joke, they're legit, serious effects on your body and more importantly your mind, that you have no control over. If the doctor you've been seeing has been unable to rectify this, notice it, or adjust your medication then you absolutely must consult another physician. Multiple opinions if you want to be smart.

 

I guarantee you that if you go meet another medical professional (hopefully two at least) and honestly describe what you're feeling, why, and what medication you're on as well as the effects you've felt... That they will be able to help you.

 

Think about how simple that could be. If you just needed to alter the dosage, or be put on a different, or new, or trial medication/treatment, and you're overwhelming feelings of hopelessness could be impacted or dramatically reduced.....You say that you don't feel any control over your dating life or skills with women but That's something you have control over. Take advantage of it.

 

Never harm yourself because of what "you don't have". Everyone in the world has things they don't have. The people who you think have everything, might wish they could be you because of what they feel they're missing in their lives. The people who are able to push past tough times and constant hurdles are the ones who can see the 1 bright spot in a room full of darkness. You're cognizant enough to post a thread on here and outline your feelings and thoughts. That's huge. Do you know how many people aren't able to reach out and have the self awareness and consciousness to do that? So there must be some part of yourself that realizes this isn't the answer, and that you do have things you want to live for or things you enjoy, or things you want to accomplish. If you can't see that as your bright spot then at least have the trust in someone else realizing it and believe it as a fact.

[Redhead14]

They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

 

I have been in therapy since I was 8. I initially developed depression and complete self-hatred at that age, and the list of problems has just expanded over the years as I've failed out of three colleges, compare myself to everyone else in my family as they're all more successful and in relationships, and been hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. I just think I'm a defective product that can't be repaired, so I should be destroyed. I'm a nice, witty and handsome guy, but everything else about me sucks.

 

I don't know what type of therapists you've been to. However, developing self-hatred at the age of 8, is about something so traumatic that the mind of an 8 year old could not deal with and blocks it from his/her consciousness, yet it comes out in other ways and is usually turned on themselves.

 

and the list of problems has just expanded over the years -- this suggests to me that the real issue has never been addressed properly or even brought to light.

 

This is not about the 29 year old you, it's about that 8 year old. That's who needs to go to counseling sessions. He needs to tell his story. Find yourself a good/well experienced childhood trauma therapist. You need a counselor who is specialized, not a general practitioner. You would also benefit from a therapeutic environment that includes group sessions/activities to develop social skills. Have you ever tried CBT/DBT sessions -- Cognitive Behavior Techniques or Dialectical Behavior Techniques. These kinds of sessions provide some useful tools for managing emotions and learning to self-soothe effectively.

 

hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. -- Hospital stays do not result in "cure" or even progress. The hospital only deals with the patient who presents "in crisis" and they can only treat the symptoms and get the patient stabilized.

 

If you've heard all this before, just stick with it.

[Satu]

Be aware that being in a relationship isn't a ticket to paradise.

 

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.

[BreakOnThrough]

Honestly, I was similar to you at a certain point in my life, hopeless, wanted to give up entirely, a complete basket-case. Through meditation (mindfulness) and acupuncture, I learned to intrinsically perceive/project more positively, not only about myself, but the world around me. It's negativity that produces more negativity, a viscous cycle, that pervades all aspects of one's life. What are you confident in doing? Use that as a starting point and learn to apply that perception to other areas in your life. Also, be thankful for what you DO have, the feeling of "missing out" or "not having what others have" is the absolute worst mindset one can have. Instead, think about what you DO have, be thankful for it, and find ways to positively build upon those qualities. Lastly, find a mentor, it can be anyone you admire in life, a person who has achieved what you want. Talk to them, find out what makes them tick, ask them if they can help you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm turning 29 in May, but my only experience with love, relationships, and dating at all has been dating a girl I randomly met for two-three months in early 2007. Since then, I have been unable to do anything at all. No relationships, no dates, no sex, nothing. I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years, have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

 

At this point, I'm planning to commit suicide in a few days because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I've turned out. People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now. I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped. Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet, I'm ready to die alone.

 

 

 

I'm interested to know how your seeming priorities came to put "...relationships and dating..." so high above all else?

 

 

And how in the world do you see suicide as a more socially acceptable path than is hiring a working girl to cure the virginity part?

 

 

The fact that you've been seeing a therapist for so long assures that there are/were indeed significant factors back in your formative years which we don't know about.

 

But even the slightest application of logic to what you say would suggest that you think more deeply about hiring a working girl to at least experience sex before you make any further final choices.

 

 

If every you get yourself back on a path of mainstream outlook, it is correct to just do your thing, and at least anticipate the chance that somebody ideal for you will happen along (when you least expect it).

 

Nothing is more important than meeting LOTS of people, toward that end.

[ribeto]

There's no specific cut off age where you can decide it's too late.

 

Keep working at it and try to get positive and stay there. Negative attitude is difficult to hide and it will send prospective dating partners running for the hills.

[Phoenician]

Be aware that being in a relationship isn't a ticket to paradise.

 

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.

 

yeah look at me and my posts !

 

I shoot my leg every day .

[spiderowl]

They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

 

I have been in therapy since I was 8. I initially developed depression and complete self-hatred at that age, and the list of problems has just expanded over the years as I've failed out of three colleges, compare myself to everyone else in my family as they're all more successful and in relationships, and been hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. I just think I'm a defective product that can't be repaired, so I should be destroyed. I'm a nice, witty and handsome guy, but everything else about me sucks.

 

You're a nice, handsome and witty guy, so it's not reasonable to think you would need to be alone forever.

 

Did something happen to you that made you feel so bad at the age of 8?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Stop thinking about having a girlfriend. Stop comparing yourself with others.These are the first steps before you do anything.

 

You are ONLY 29 !

 

Many people have been where you are and found their partner later in life and wished they had found them earlier !

 

Use this time to make yourself healthy.Once you are healthy, all pieces will begin to fall together.Its not easy.You probably need to get into therapy with a different mind frame. Dont go looking for a quick how to get a girl ! Many times a wrong relationship can screw you up for worse.To get the right girl, you need to be right !

 

Many people have been where the OP has been at? Being almost 30 and never had a long-term relationship before or still a virgin? Well ya on this site it sure seems that way, but sounds like you have known or heard of others besides this site, most people will have had a long-term relationship under their belt by their mid to late 20's already, it seems

[dyna85]

JGF, please don't kill yourself.

 

Quit comparing yourself to others.

 

Mikeylo is right. If you sit on this site and/or compare yourself to others who have had sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry (or the female version), you're going to be depressed and think you're flawed, when the reality is, you're not. It just hasn't been your time yet.

 

You know that a watched pot never boils right? You said you have been obsessing over this situation for the past 6 yrs. Well surely, that has kept you locked in this cycle and detracted from your experiences.

 

You need to let go and just be, and stop worrying so much about the status of your life in terms of relationships and sex. Having a significant other and/or sex doesn't define you.

 

I was reading this really good quote lately that I think could help you: 'what we think we think, we create, what we feel we attract, and what we imagine we become.' I don't know who said this but this is very good quote from whoever came up with it. It's so true... if you get stuck in negativity and self-defeatism, you're not going to attract the best of experiences/people.

 

You need to be more compassionate to yourself and work on building up yourself and improving your self-esteem.... then the rest will fall into place.

 

You can't control fate and/or what the future holds, but there are plenty of people who are single/virgins til later in life and then meet someone.

 

Don't compare yourself to others and think yourself unworthy. You are you. These other people.. let them be them, but don't let your perception of everyone else kill you. You have be strong and build yourself up and make yourself happy.

 

Life is a battle sometimes but you have to keep holding on. Some successful people have toiled away for decades and they finally get that break after such a long time.. and it seems like forever, but it's because they never gave up and never stopped trying.

 

Don't let these thoughts destroy you. They're just thoughts and your perception of yourself if skewed because you're depressed. You can get help for that with another doctor if need be, and also in concentrating on making yourself happy with what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have and freaking out about it.

 

I think you need to loosen the reins a bit in terms of trying to control your destiny and let things fall into place naturally by just taking care of yourself.

[TheBathWater]

I'm turning 29 in May, but my only experience with love, relationships, and dating at all has been dating a girl I randomly met for two-three months in early 2007. Since then, I have been unable to do anything at all. No relationships, no dates, no sex, nothing. I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years, have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

 

At this point, I'm planning to commit suicide in a few days because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I've turned out. People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now. I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped. Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet, I'm ready to die alone.

 

I can't say or do anything to help undo how you are feeling right now, because clearly you've been through that much pain and heartache that words simply couldn't undo it. I am very sorry to hear this is how you are feeling. The only thing worse than a suicide attempt is completing suicide, because it can't be undone.

 

You are 29, and you're right, a lot of damage has been done. The thing is though that you never really know what would happen if you continued to live the rest of your life. A lot changes in your thirties and beyond. If you can find a way to hold on, mobilize supports and help, and keep working on yourself, you are bound to form something at some point.

 

As a side note, I've known men who couldn't get dates until their thirties and became massively successful with women. I'm not saying that you will too, but I'm saying this to you because honestly you never really know what is going to happen down the road. If you go too soon, you'll never know.

[mariababy]

Hi JGF87,

 

I think I should share my experience with you because I can relate with the situation you are in. I felt the same way you did last year. I am turning 31 this year and I was also never in a relationship before until last July. I used to cry in bed occassionally thinking why I could never find love or be in a relationship. I put myself out there with online dating, meetups and interacting with more people but nothing worked.

 

I was so obsessed with having to "be in love", "in a relationship" and went with the first guy that showed some kind of affection towards me even though we were so incompatabile in so many ways. I was 30 when I had my first relationship and it lasted about 7 months and I also lost my virginity to him. Honestly, I was never happy in the relationship. I cried way more than when I was single. I was depressed being in a relationship. I cried almost every night because I was so unhappy in a relationship. It wasn't what I dreamed of or wanted.

 

Although, I am going through the sadness of heartbreak right now, I can say that I am so much more happier with myself than I was when I was in a relationship. I wish now that I had never met him, because I am back to square one but with more heartache to carry around - but then again, I would have never experienced the things I did.

 

So please don't be so depressed with not having a girlfriend. As long as you learn to be happy with yourself, it is all that matters. No one can bring happiness except yourself. Sometimes, because you haven't experienced something, you think the grass is greener on the other side. But when you do, you realise how much more you have not missed out in reality.

Edited February 28, 2016 by mariababy

[JGF87]

You are ONLY 29 !

I no longer feel that people telling me I'm only whatever my current age is a valid argument any more. Maybe 5-6 years ago, but not now. 50% of people lose their virginity in high school, 90% have had sex by the end of college, and the remaining people usually accomplish that soon after. I've been out of school for over half a decade and am still pathetic.

 

Is it the same therapist? I think you really should go see a new psychologist or psychiatrist who can prescribe you medicine after a more in depth study and physical exam. There's a huge different between therapists and counseling and a psychiatrist.

 

Most people who have suicidal thoughts don't realize that the medication they're on or have been on have A LOT to do with why you're thinking about this. The side effects aren't a joke, they're legit, serious effects on your body and more importantly your mind, that you have no control over. If the doctor you've been seeing has been unable to rectify this, notice it, or adjust your medication then you absolutely must consult another physician. Multiple opinions if you want to be smart.

 

I guarantee you that if you go meet another medical professional (hopefully two at least) and honestly describe what you're feeling, why, and what medication you're on as well as the effects you've felt... That they will be able to help you. .

I generally switch doctors every couple of years when we inevitably realize they can't help me. I've had doctors solely for therapy, others solely for medication, and others for both depending on certain points in time. I've met many, many unique people and done that honest description you talk about and nothing has improved. I'm a case that literally can't be solved.

 

Be aware that being in a relationship isn't a ticket to paradise.

 

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.

True, but it's also the only way I'll ever have any self-worth and not want to kill myself. People have tried nonstop to convince me that's not the case and nothing's worked.

 

You're a nice, handsome and witty guy, so it's not reasonable to think you would need to be alone forever.

 

Did something happen to you that made you feel so bad at the age of 8?

I swapped schools when third grade started due to doing well enough to get into the gifted students program, but I got stressed out and threw multiple fits with the increased difficulty at my new school and got sent to another one for troubled kids for the rest of third and fourth grade, which I hated. I blamed myself for all of it and went on to hate myself for all my following academic failings (I almost never got good grades from this point regardless of how hard I tried), and I guess when school was done with, I chose another shortcoming to focus on.

 

And to everyone saying "Just don't focus on it, live life normally, and something will happen," that's what I've been doing most of the time, and guess what? Nothing has changed. When I try to fix this, I fail. When I try and ignore it, it doesn't fix itself. I can literally not comprehend the views other people have about how easy and "inevitable" me finding love is and insist that if something could happen, it would have by now, and dying seems far more comforting than continuing to wait for something I know will never come.

[JGF87]

And how in the world do you see suicide as a more socially acceptable path than is hiring a working girl to cure the virginity part?

Forgot to respond to this. Hiring a prostitute or someone similar to have sex would still make me feel ashamed and suicidal because I'd just keep reminding myself that I'm so pathetic that I can't even get a girl to sleep with me out of love or attraction, but just for money. Sex for actual love is the only thing I want, and if I can't get it and can't stop feeling terrible about it, I might as well just end everything.

[luvflower]

Hey OP. Is there a way you can just take a temporary break from what's going on right now in your life. Firstly, try to remember we all experience things at different times in life. Some people are 30 or 40and still not married. Just the way things happen. I empathize with you feeling like nothing is going right especially in your love life. I've been depressed off and on for several years. People try to help by saying just don't focus on it,but they don't know you have to work harder to not focus on it.

 

You're in crisis and need attention. Please see if u can take a few days off from work and definitely call your therapist. Checking yourself in to a temporary hospital/facility may be necessary to get more one on one.care.

 

You are worth so much more than a sexual encounter which comes with its own set of issues.

 

Keep posting please!!!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Hi JGF87,

 

I think I should share my experience with you because I can relate with the situation you are in. I felt the same way you did last year. I am turning 31 this year and I was also never in a relationship before until last July. I used to cry in bed occassionally thinking why I could never find love or be in a relationship. I put myself out there with online dating, meetups and interacting with more people but nothing worked.

 

I was so obsessed with having to "be in love", "in a relationship" and went with the first guy that showed some kind of affection towards me even though we were so incompatabile in so many ways. I was 30 when I had my first relationship and it lasted about 7 months and I also lost my virginity to him. Honestly, I was never happy in the relationship. I cried way more than when I was single. I was depressed being in a relationship. I cried almost every night because I was so unhappy in a relationship. It wasn't what I dreamed of or wanted.

 

Although, I am going through the sadness of heartbreak right now, I can say that I am so much more happier with myself than I was when I was in a relationship. I wish now that I had never met him, because I am back to square one but with more heartache to carry around - but then again, I would have never experienced the things I did.

 

So please don't be so depressed with not having a girlfriend. As long as you learn to be happy with yourself, it is all that matters. No one can bring happiness except yourself. Sometimes, because you haven't experienced something, you think the grass is greener on the other side. But when you do, you realise how much more you have not missed out in reality.

 

I know I'm gonna get attacked for saying this but I always find it more shocking to hear of a woman being single or a virgin that long compared to a guy, for obvious reasons

[lostmyway82]

Forgot to respond to this. Hiring a prostitute or someone similar to have sex would still make me feel ashamed and suicidal because I'd just keep reminding myself that I'm so pathetic that I can't even get a girl to sleep with me out of love or attraction, but just for money. Sex for actual love is the only thing I want, and if I can't get it and can't stop feeling terrible about it, I might as well just end everything.

 

Money is a form of attraction for most girls.

 

And without money most relationship dies. So you are actually paying for sex in a way.

 

Anyway dude just go get a escort. Get one that really looks good to your liking, one that is professional, tell her what you expect from her, go on a vacation for a week with so that no one can interrupt you or her. Clear your head, enjoy yourself in her company. Then after sleeping with her for a week you will be cured of your current state. .

 

Trust a bro on this, it is not worth putting yourself through this just because you think there is a right one.

[JGF87]

Money is a form of attraction for most girls.

 

And without money most relationship dies. So you are actually paying for sex in a way.

 

Anyway dude just go get a escort. Get one that really looks good to your liking, one that is professional, tell her what you expect from her, go on a vacation for a week with so that no one can interrupt you or her. Clear your head, enjoy yourself in her company. Then after sleeping with her for a week you will be cured of your current state. .

 

Trust a bro on this, it is not worth putting yourself through this just because you think there is a right one.

Disagree with all of this. Sorry.