Haven't dated in a decade, 28 and a virgin, consdering suicide

[Mr. Disposable]

Disagree with all of this. Sorry.

 

I'm going to be honest with you. I've been sitting back and reading your posts. Here's my two cents on people in your position:

 

If things were slightly different, and you were getting laid, and some girl broke your heart, you'd still be here posting about how you're pathetic and you want to give up and kill yourself.

 

I honestly don't think it matters that much which side of the coin you're on.

 

You've convinced yourself that your life isn't worth living and that's the real problem.

 

Now...the lovely people here have pleaded with you to stay alive, to visit a psychologist, and to help you see that you're not as old as you think, that there's plenty of time for love and happiness.

 

By your very words, none of those things have helped. You've tried them all or are otherwise unwilling to try the more unsavory solutions other posters have suggested. I get that.

 

I understand what it means to be in pain and hungry for love. Sex doesn't solve the problems. It just brings more. Neither will love for other people. You don't want to be convinced of that, I know. You think this is it. If someone doesn't love you now, you'll never be loved. I'm so sorry that something happened in your life to make you feel that way. Twenty years is a long time to be in therapy and I sincerely empathize with you. I've been through a lot myself.

 

Fortunately, the negative things you've convinced yourself to believe just aren't true. You have a ton of life left to live and if you take the time to realize that, you will have the things that you want. But others cannot love us unless we find it in us to forgive and to love ourselves. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.

 

I've had the things that you want so desperately. They've caused me a ton of pain. I'm here, same as you. Feeling unwanted and alone. I'm proof that love and sex are not the antidote. I'm here, posting, asking for help. I'm no better than you. No better than anyone. I'm human, existing in the same condition as you.

 

The mere fact that you're asking for help and trying so hard to tell others how you feel inspires me to believe in your ability to get past this difficult time in your life. In your desire to survive. If you want to give up, none of us can stop you. A sad truth.

 

But, I sincerely hope you don't. You have a lot to offer and I'll be here surviving too if you want support. You're not alone. You're no different than us. Don't walk that path.

 

That's the only surefire way to never having the things you want. Don't cheat yourself out of that chance.

[fireflywy]

Well, I just had a friend who married at 32 and who was a virgin the entire time. He had a hell of a time finding someone and then it just happened just like it does for everyone else.

 

As for your other issues, I'm going to recommend that you see someone who specializes in Neuro-Linguistic Programming. its DIFFERENT than pyschology and asks the HOW to make things better instead of the WHYS. If one isn't close, find a way to travel to one to consult with. They are VERY interesting and may be able to help you combat your default thinking paradigm. What do you have to lose?

Edited March 1, 2016 by fireflywy

[JGF87]

I'm going to be honest with you. I've been sitting back and reading your posts. Here's my two cents on people in your position:

 

If things were slightly different, and you were getting laid, and some girl broke your heart, you'd still be here posting about how you're pathetic and you want to give up and kill yourself.

 

I honestly don't think it matters that much which side of the coin you're on.

 

You've convinced yourself that your life isn't worth living and that's the real problem.

 

Now...the lovely people here have pleaded with you to stay alive, to visit a psychologist, and to help you see that you're not as old as you think, that there's plenty of time for love and happiness.

 

By your very words, none of those things have helped. You've tried them all or are otherwise unwilling to try the more unsavory solutions other posters have suggested. I get that.

 

I understand what it means to be in pain and hungry for love. Sex doesn't solve the problems. It just brings more. Neither will love for other people. You don't want to be convinced of that, I know. You think this is it. If someone doesn't love you now, you'll never be loved. I'm so sorry that something happened in your life to make you feel that way. Twenty years is a long time to be in therapy and I sincerely empathize with you. I've been through a lot myself.

 

Fortunately, the negative things you've convinced yourself to believe just aren't true. You have a ton of life left to live and if you take the time to realize that, you will have the things that you want. But others cannot love us unless we find it in us to forgive and to love ourselves. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.

 

I've had the things that you want so desperately. They've caused me a ton of pain. I'm here, same as you. Feeling unwanted and alone. I'm proof that love and sex are not the antidote. I'm here, posting, asking for help. I'm no better than you. No better than anyone. I'm human, existing in the same condition as you.

 

The mere fact that you're asking for help and trying so hard to tell others how you feel inspires me to believe in your ability to get past this difficult time in your life. In your desire to survive. If you want to give up, none of us can stop you. A sad truth.

 

But, I sincerely hope you don't. You have a lot to offer and I'll be here surviving too if you want support. You're not alone. You're no different than us. Don't walk that path.

 

That's the only surefire way to never having the things you want. Don't cheat yourself out of that chance.

The problem with what you said here is that I just can't think the way everyone else does. I have a large family, and seeing all my cousins get married, my younger brother consistently be in loving relationships for the past decade, and my sister who's nine years younger already dating, having a social life, and not doubting herself just makes me hate myself more. All my 'positive' qualities are just geeky quirks that will never get me anywhere. Even trying to meet fellow geek girls with similar interests has resulted in nothing.

 

Maybe love and sex isn't the answer to my problems and would make me feel worse. Either way, my mind refuses to stop obsessing over them and making me feel pathetic and miserable because I'm not getting so much as a taste of something that's normal and usually joyous for people my age and much younger. As I said before, if it was possible for me to find love, something would have happened by now, and literally nothing has. Why don't people understand that it's better to cut your life short when you know there's just decades of loneliness and suffering if you choose to live? I'd rather die "young" (29 isn't young by my standards) than live to be in my 70s or 80s and look back on how I couldn't find a girl.

[fireflywy]

The problem with what you said here is that I just can't think the way everyone else does. I have a large family, and seeing all my cousins get married, my younger brother consistently be in loving relationships for the past decade, and my sister who's nine years younger already dating, having a social life, and not doubting herself just makes me hate myself more. All my 'positive' qualities are just geeky quirks that will never get me anywhere. Even trying to meet fellow geek girls with similar interests has resulted in nothing.

 

Maybe love and sex isn't the answer to my problems and would make me feel worse. Either way, my mind refuses to stop obsessing over them and making me feel pathetic and miserable because I'm not getting so much as a taste of something that's normal and usually joyous for people my age and much younger. As I said before, if it was possible for me to find love, something would have happened by now, and literally nothing has. Why don't people understand that it's better to cut your life short when you know there's just decades of loneliness and suffering if you choose to live? I'd rather die "young" (29 isn't young by my standards) than live to be in my 70s or 80s and look back on how I couldn't find a girl.

 

I'm 38, been married, divorced, and had my heart broken. Have I found "love" yet to last a fairy tale lifetime? No. Honestly, there is no such thing even when you find someone.

 

The comparing youre doing is called the social clock. You need to smash it!

 

Now, talk to us. What do you do for a living?

 

What is your "geek side" you talk about?

[mr1]

A man is happy if he has achieved two purposes:

1) He has a good relationships with a woman. A relationships where a woman respects, loves him.

2) He has achieved a self-fulfilment: he does something, earning money, people respect him etc.

They are dictated by a role of a man in Nature. The role serves to mankind survival. The role have been shaped by millions years of evolution.

 

If one of the above items is not fulfilled then a man has bad feelings. It is a mechanism of Nature to push a man to do what is necessary to fulfill the purposes.

 

I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years

It is normal. You should be obsessed. Your instincts tell you the way you should go to be happy.

 

People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now

Waiting does not help. Acting in the right direction does. You should evolve. You should develop your character. It is a long way. But it's worth it.

Tell what you have been tried already to be successful with women.

The intermediate purpose for you - to be more successful in the second area (career, sport, hobby). It will make you more self-confident. Do everything to be more self-confident. This ingredient of a character attracts women.

And also the development in the second area will provide you with more resources to be successful in the first area.

Tell more about you achievements in the second area.

 

Hiring a prostitute or someone similar to have sex would still make me feel ashamed and suicidal because I'd just keep reminding myself that I'm so pathetic that I can't even get a girl to sleep with me out of love or attraction, but just for money

True. A prostitute could give you some pleasure. But she could not make you happy. The purpose 1 have not been achieved - she sleeps with you for money not because of love and respect. But she could give you a tactical advantage: you will be more self-confident with another woman. And that another woman is a purpose and the first one could just be a small and not necessary step.

 

have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

You should come to a random woman which have attracted your attention on a street, in a bar, during dance lesson or somewhere else and start a conversation, make jokes, pay compliments to her, ask for coffee tomorrow if conversation goes good. And do all that on a regular basis with different women. You should be ready to be rejected by a woman. Dozens of times. And it is also normal. Many guys passed through it. You will learn from mistakes. Keep in mind you are doing this for your own development, to be successful in the future and do not expect fast results.

 

Money is a form of attraction for most girls.

This is true partly. Girls are attracted if man is successful and is respected. Money is just one of signs of a success. You must not spend money on a girl but you definitely should be able to earn money.

Edited March 1, 2016 by mr1

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Hi JGF87,

 

I think I should share my experience with you because I can relate with the situation you are in. I felt the same way you did last year. I am turning 31 this year and I was also never in a relationship before until last July. I used to cry in bed occassionally thinking why I could never find love or be in a relationship. I put myself out there with online dating, meetups and interacting with more people but nothing worked.

 

I was so obsessed with having to "be in love", "in a relationship" and went with the first guy that showed some kind of affection towards me even though we were so incompatabile in so many ways. I was 30 when I had my first relationship and it lasted about 7 months and I also lost my virginity to him. Honestly, I was never happy in the relationship. I cried way more than when I was single. I was depressed being in a relationship. I cried almost every night because I was so unhappy in a relationship. It wasn't what I dreamed of or wanted.

 

Although, I am going through the sadness of heartbreak right now, I can say that I am so much more happier with myself than I was when I was in a relationship. I wish now that I had never met him, because I am back to square one but with more heartache to carry around - but then again, I would have never experienced the things I did.

 

So please don't be so depressed with not having a girlfriend. As long as you learn to be happy with yourself, it is all that matters. No one can bring happiness except yourself. Sometimes, because you haven't experienced something, you think the grass is greener on the other side. But when you do, you realise how much more you have not missed out in reality.

It's shocking to hear of a woman not having a boyfriend or being a virgin that long mainly because women don't have to approach and be the initiators

[JGF87]

As of today, I've had emotional breakdowns for eight days straight. I've done the Match.com promotion of boosting my profile to the top of everyone's search results three times and have a whopping one view from all of them. Maybe I'm not as decent-looking as I thought.

 

Either way, logging on to Match or trying to do anything to change things results in me falling apart and feeling more hopeless than ever; certainly something no hospital, medicine or therapy can help. I'm damaged goods and hate myself for the inevitable devastation my suicide will bring to those who care about me, but what else can I do at this point?

Now, talk to us. What do you do for a living?

 

What is your "geek side" you talk about?

My day job is to do really routine data entry-related stuff at a small housing company. The hours are flexible and my coworkers are nice, but after nearly four years, I've grown to hate it and want to move on. (There's also no chance of finding love there as every other co-worker is in their fifties or sixties and long married.) Unfortunately, I don't think there's any other job I could reasonably get that would let me suddenly take days off due to these nonstop breakdowns (I missed 4 out of 5 days of work last week for this reason), so I'm probably stuck there till the day I die, which should be soon.

 

I watch a lot of movies, play a lot of video games, and review both as a freelancer, though it's never been enough to make a living off of. I even went to a local game convention last week, struck up a long, fun conversation with a girl, and felt hopeful about it, but she's ignored my Facebook request for a week now and I'm back to feeling like there's no hope for me. I've been to literally dozens of Meetups related to these things and made a few male friends, but again, no progress at all with women, which is all that I can focus on.

You should come to a random woman which have attracted your attention on a street, in a bar, during dance lesson or somewhere else and start a conversation, make jokes, pay compliments to her, ask for coffee tomorrow if conversation goes good. And do all that on a regular basis with different women. You should be ready to be rejected by a woman. Dozens of times. And it is also normal. Many guys passed through it. You will learn from mistakes. Keep in mind you are doing this for your own development, to be successful in the future and do not expect fast results.

But what am I supposed to say? Saying something random out of the blue to a total stranger would just make both of us feel awkward, and I'd hate myself more for it. And I react to all of my failures in life by feeling devastated and plotting suicide, so what hope is there for me? I literally can't think constructively or confidently, no matter how hard I and others try.

Edited March 2, 2016 by JGF87

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Ya just because it's the way it is, the way the world works, doesn't mean I have to like it or enjoy it

[Mumbles]

True. A prostitute could give you some pleasure. But she could not make you happy. The purpose 1 have not been achieved - she sleeps with you for money not because of love and respect. But she could give you a tactical advantage: you will be more self-confident with another woman. And that another woman is a purpose and the first one could just be a small and not necessary step.

 

Sexual relief of any type produces chemical reaction and change in your body - don't dismiss this as minor or unmeasurable.

 

Absolutely agree that such an experience, or better, experiences, will make one more confident with women, at least with their physicality and the basic fact that they are not a million miles from men in what drives them and makes them function.

 

After a long and essentially sexless marriage, followed by even more years of no sex post divorce, due no doubt, to depression, I saw many many escorts. The chemical brain reaction of this can't be denied. Geez, a couple of times I had to actually stop my car on the drive home, get out and give an almighty 'WOOT!' before calming down, back in the car, and back home again.

 

The thing is mate, like more of us than you might imagine, you are a square peg and you're trying to force yourself into a round hole (oh.. the puns), why? Because most of society appears to be a round peg and their socially acceptable lives are round holes - they 'just fit'. You don't, lots of us are like this. We're on the fringe.

 

A -lot- to be said on this subject, but before I turn this post into a mammoth unreadable tome just let me say this:

 

I have now been with countless escorts, honestly, I couldn't easily remember the number, this is not a boast though, my point in raising it is that in amongst those countless faces a small number have become real friends, I no longer pay/fyck them, we're a social circle, I actually married my favourite escort and she's a wonderful wife ... a girl who is also a 'square peg' like me ...

 

Yes, there are lots of legitimate reasons not to go down this path, posters have mentioned some here and many people on LS are completely against the idea - thats fine, I respect their point of view - but, if you're convinced you are going to leave this earth anyway, well, what have you got to lose? Go out, get yours, and report back if you feel any differently about life.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Sadly a lot of dating/relationship coaches charge thousands of dollars, don't know what the OP's financial standing is

[elaine567]

It's shocking to hear of a woman not having a boyfriend or being a virgin that long mainly because women don't have to approach and be the initiators

 

If no-one approaches or initiates, what do you think the outcome of that is?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

If no-one approaches or initiates, what do you think the outcome of that is?

 

Still, women are usually never a shortage of men approaching them or initiating with them

[lostmyway82]

I feel like you are too much of a traditional man, saving your virginity for the right one. When it should be the other way around

 

Logically if your 29, you will be looking at options of girls age 21-35. At these days if your planning to find a girl who is also a virgin probability is kinda low, seeing as how you can find porn so easily by just typing it on google. And these days its always someone's ex.

 

The problem dude you have never been with a girl all this while. And we are talking 21 century here. You need to get hold of one and study how they tick. it's like clockwork

 

Once you get one, many more will come. Somehow it's like magnet.

 

Btw you need to unleashed what you kept so long in your testicles, it is screwing with your brain.

Edited March 9, 2016 by lostmyway82

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I don't know if you ever follow Simple Pickup, but I read on one of their comments somewhere, forget which link, the guys who run it said they once coached, worked with a guy in his early 30's and had never kissed a girl before either

[Nleal]

Have you tried getting a life coach? Maybe you just need to have a new beginning, change up your style, go to the gym work out with a personal trainer in 6 months you will see a difference physically, and it will make you feel better! Get a new haircut, buy cloth use your geekiness to become successful and you will draw a lot of girls. Maybe I'm just talking nonsense but from what I read you have a self esteem issue. And that my friend will not get fixed if you don't work on yourself. Sign up in a gym today! Get a life coach if you have to a person that can guide you! You seem lost.

[Panda_Bear]

First of all , I dont have a practical solution for you right at this moment JGF - I just think that , if you came here , there is a glimmer of hope . You came on this forum to talk your concerns through with people , before acting on them. That's a great first step!

 

We are all here because of our problems, pain and issues. We are all trying to get through our overwhelming thoughts in our head. But I think we all have a lot of love to give to others and everyone here is offering their shoulder , a supportive ear , or a virtual hug , till you start feeling a bit more optimistic.

To give you an example of something I have witnessed: I have a very good friend who was a virgin till the age of 28 , lost hope and decided not to concentrate on it for a while, and pursue other hobbies and platonic friendships. And then , somebody came along and saw him for the good person he was. Just as he stopped looking ... Its possible! Dont lose hope .... we are all here to get you through the day!

 

I , myself am new here , and I came to post about my troubles and negative thoughts but I really felt compelled to start my journey on this forum by saying : I care! Stay with us! You matter!

Give it some time , let's take it one day at a time ....

[JGF87]

Half a year later, and nothing has changed. I managed to get 1 girl from Match to respond and do a blind date, and while it wasn't unpleasant or anything, it was clear that there was no spark. I've messaged over 20 girls on both Match and OKCupid since, and nothing has come from them, other than 2 or 3 responses with nothing afterward.

 

I'm officially unable to do any major life changes to fix this, since I'm getting an apartment on my own next month and can't walk away from or reduce my work hours as a result. I'm exercising and eating healthier and gradually losing some weight, but I still look average at best. I've found three or four Meetup groups comprised of people my age that I like and consistently go to, but I doubt anything will come of it. I've also seen a new therapist this past year who's finally given me some self-esteem and self-respect, but it seems that I just can't do this, and I no longer know why, so I can't fix it.

[Humantk]

Adversity is our best teacher. My friends always used to joke with me that I would be a virgin till I was 39 then marry the hottest girl in the world because I waited so long. Im a decent looking guy too. Played sports in HS and all that stuff. But I never had a girlfriend and didnt end up losing my virginity till I was 21. Now I know you've had a much more difficult road. But i just had 5 amazing years with the girl I lost my virginity too (we just split, should explain why I am here.) And maybe it didnt work out right so I could be here right now. Let me tell you man, when you find someone that loves you more then you love yourself its totally worth the wait. But the key is you do have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you.

 

Its like a video game. You gotta go through the levels. We've all played shooters before, and its boring in level 1. They pretty much show you how to move, aim, shoot.. ect its lile "hell ive played shooters before I wanna get to the good stuff!" But its there for a reason. You cant just jump to a boss battle without tackling his stupid friggin henchmen first. So just consider yourself at level 1. You gotta work on getting your feet on the ground and moving in the right direction. But this games a bitch, no checkpoints or saves. If we lose we go right back to the start. But if you play enough you will get there. Keep working out, eating right and try to find one positive thing each day. Even if its just seeing a bird outside a window. It was put there for you my man. The universe is working all the time to put us where we are supposed to be. Youre not broken, youre playing at a higher difficulty then everyone else. It makes you unique, gives you a different perspective on life than most anyone else in the world. Its not something you may have wanted, hell i'd love to be rich and super handsome and play the game on easy. But where's the payoff with that? When you do finally beat the game, it'll be that much sweeter. And I believe that you will get to the end. Take every opportunity and leave no corner unsearched. You will get there my friend, I have faith in you. Dont give up.

[ManyDissapoint]

Step up your workouts. Reduce your gaming time. Im a gamer too and I know how much it messes with your ability to socialize when taken to excess. Main thing is lift weights and go hard at it. Socialize and don't turn down an invitation. Don't disregard potential friends. They might know someone good for you. Relationships also jave a heavy cost to them. You are not missing out on anything profound anyway. Also you need to go afyer ugly or overweight women until you get your confidence up.

[dyna85]

Humantk, that post of yours is nothing short of amazing. So inspirational. Wow. So true!

[RyanO1991]

As someone of a similar age to you, I honestly wish I could have my virginity back and lose it to someone worthwhile.

 

It sounds like you're on the right track with the exercise and meeting new people. You might still be unhappy, but do you feel happier than you did a few years ago? Even just slightly? If you do, then you're making progress.

 

Don't be afraid to do things on your own just because of fear of stigma. Doing things alone shows confidence in yourself. Go to coffee shops, events, etc. Maybe visit a library - 1: you can read up on what interests you and develop yourself even more as a person, and 2: you'll might meet new people.

 

I know there's nothing people can say to make you feel better, but push yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll be surprised by what you find out about yourself.

[almond]

If I were you, I'd seriously consider solo travel overseas for a few months. Perspective, amazing experiences, independence, and lots of lovely women enjoying life and plenty that are willing to enjoy a few hours of it with you I'm sure.

 

Go volunteer. Go hike. Go party. Go explore. Just get up and go and live a little.

[Humantk]

Humantk, that post of yours is nothing short of amazing. So inspirational. Wow. So true!

 

Thank you so much! I just hope JGF could find some hope in it. Wish he would reply. Wondering how he is doing.

[topher]

"The real way forward isn't a great leap but grinding, tedious, glamorously incremental change."

 

Keep grinding, son!

[sorano]

you want my opinion. A relationship is not going to fix all your problems. They take time, energy, dedication, all that stuff. You must be happy being alone first. That is when you know you are in a good place. when you can function, are content, and grounded when you are on your own.

 

second, do not rely on online dating websites. They will throw you into a vicious cycle. Keep in mind, women's email boxes are packed on the sites. Guys are not as picky and will start sending emails after emails. women get bombarded and most guys on the sites will say something stupid. They will start being creepy, talk about sex right away etc and this ruins it for the GOOD guys.

 

I did say women are picky on the sites. They are. women are more picky on a dating site than in person. Its just what it is. You can send 100 messages and if you are an average guy, you will be lucky to get back 3 or 5 back. This will make you feel worse and will just throw you in a loop.

 

Just take it easy and relax. Try getting happy again. There is no race. There is no time line. Do not worry if you are still single.