Up-date Dad may go to a homeless shelter

[DatingDirection]

I'm so fed up with my father's behavior. He's being evicted from his apartment, and says he will have to go to a homeless shelter. He didn't pay his rent on a number of occasions.

 

Me: I pay my rent, im focusing on my health and fitness goals, and my work. This is what i plan to do today...and now i have this crap in the back of my mind. I AM SO FED UP AND ANGRY WITH HIM I HATE MY FATHER.

 

I'm just so ****ing mad. He always calls me when there is a problem, and there is always a problem with him. He's either broke, depressed, on drugs..broke again. I'm so tired of it.

 

And the worst part, the guilt is on me, because i will feel it's partly because of me that he's going to a shelter. Even though, i know it's all because of him. It's still just a natural thought i have.

 

I don't even have a room for him. I don't know how i can be at peace knowing he's going to be in a shelter. It's not a good place. But the *******, didn't pay his rent, and some how now it's my problem. I can't stand him.

 

It's not fair, other people's parents don't put their kids through this stuff...well at least the friends i know, their parents don't do that to them. It just makes me so bitter, and jelous, yes jelous, i said it...to converse with other people, young people, who don't have a care in the world...ah, im not explaining myself here. Sorry. I just have to rant...and I don't know what to do?

 

My dad is 75 years old...he's not a young guy either.

 

Thank you for reading this, and if anyone can suggest something please do. Thank you.

Edited February 18, 2016 by DatingDirection

[d0nnivain]

Sadly there are people's parents out there besides your dad who do get put through this.

 

Does he have a source of income? would he be willing to give you control of his finances? I'm envisioning that you pay the bills with his money & give him an allowance. A friend of mine does that for her ne're-do-well son. In the beginning he wouldn't work so she let him get kicked out because there was no money to pay rent. After the 2nd time he at least became more responsible about at least having income.

[DatingDirection]

He's under the care of social services. I was under the impression that his worker pay's his rent for him, but then he's been able to call the organization that gives him his pension, and have the funds go to him. I'm really upset, at that too. I have no idea why social services hasn't been able to take full control of his finances. I feel like they aren't doing enough.

[d0nnivain]

I have no idea why social services hasn't been able to take full control of his finances. I feel like they aren't doing enough.

 

They aren't ever going to do enough. They are overwhelmed, under-appreciated, over-worked & under paid. You are family. You have to step up. Get yourself appointed rep-payee for all his benefits & pay his rent with his money. Problem solved.

[Tayla]

May I suggest:

NGA - National Guardianship Association, Inc.

 

Sorry that you are feeling this way.....Its a challenge to be a caring person when the family member is showing poor living skills....

 

Wishing your dad better days.

[DatingDirection]

Thank you again T, and D. I appreciate it a lot.

[Noproblem]

He is what he is. I am sorry you did not get the father you deserve, but you are a grown up now, whatever you do today will haunt you forever.

 

Actually your father would have been some how different if drugs didn't mess with his mind and influenced the things he did all over his life.

 

you should not let him go to shelter, he is 75, find him any other apartment to live at and like other suggested, be in control of his finance.

[Shanex]

My father is past 70 as well, I'm grateful he is still around despite many arguments we've been through. He isn't always easy-going and that's an understatement, my mother didn't leave him for nothing. He has his flaws but thankfully was never a junkie or an alcoholic, not even a smoker.

 

I don't know where you live and how health-care works where you are, the solution might be to find him a room somewhere downtown (he's aging so close to doc, groceries, pharmacy etc) and maybe have a nurse visit him every other day, homeless shelter is no fun at all and everyone need some kind of independence and privacy.

[whichwayisup]

He's under the care of social services. I was under the impression that his worker pay's his rent for him, but then he's been able to call the organization that gives him his pension, and have the funds go to him. I'm really upset, at that too. I have no idea why social services hasn't been able to take full control of his finances. I feel like they aren't doing enough.

Talk to a lawyer about this, maybe you need to be in charge of his funds since he can't function healthily on his own and SS isn't handling it right.

[RecentChange]

My mom is the same way, depressed, accidicted, and despite an income, would be homeless unless her kids stepped in. She can also be wicked, abusive and manipulative, it's not fun.

 

When given the choice of homeless, or handing over her finances, she picked the latter.

 

My brother gets her benefit $, and pays her rent and bills. I chip in a bit because her fixed income doesn't really cover everything.

 

After bills are paid, he "allowance" is put into an account she has access too.

 

It's a pain, but you may have to go through something similar with your dad.

 

Know you aren't alone in this, there are many of us with parents that don't have their **** together!

 

Maybe some counseling for you as well - so you can deal with him in a healthy manner - because it can make you crazy having to deal with crazy!! You will need to know how to set boundaries and not be manipulated

[amaysngrace]

Isn't it odd how they take care of us when we are young then we take care of them when they are old, if we are fortunate enough to have them until they're old?

 

Do the right thing.

[AMJ]

Isn't it odd how they take care of us when we are young then we take care of them when they are old, if we are fortunate enough to have them until they're old?

 

Do the right thing.

 

It's one thing to take care of your mother with alzheimer's, and a completely different thing to take care of a parent who's an addict and an *******. My dad is an alcoholic, and am going through a similar mess with both him and my mother.

 

I can completely relate to OP about being jealous of others my age who have "normal" parents. Therapists, my friend who is a social worker, and my other friends have all said- let your parents sort out their own problems- you need to take care of yourself. Because, let's face it- taking care of ourselves IS in itself difficult enough, ESPECIALLY when you have absolutely no support or assistance from anyone in your life- unlike all of our peers whom we are jealous and bitter about.

 

When I turned 18, I got the hell away from my family, as far as I could go. And I've been away, visiting on holidays and whatnot, ever since. Recently my dad's alcoholism became much worse, and I've made the decision to intervene on my mom's behalf. Six months ago I moved home to convince her to leave him, and she finally agreed to do so- we moved out last week. She feels guilty for needing my help. My dad is absolutely taking a turn for the even worse now that his wife just left him, after 40 years of marriage. Are we supposed to feel guilty about that also?

 

Well, we've encouraged him to go to AA, and rehab, and supported him every single way we possibly can. Jesus I made half of the dinner for his AA meeting on Christmas, which fed 65 people. I drove him to rehab and picked him up when he insisted on leaving before the week was over. Whatever. There's only so much we can do for addicts.

 

Al-Anon is a very helpful resource- I think you should go. I can't really tell you what to do for your dad. I'm sure my dad will end up in a similar place within the next few years, if he doesn't drink himself to death first. I can say, with all sincerity, that I truly feel sorry for the position you're in, and wish you all of the courage and strength you'll need to get through it.

 

People can tell you to leave him be- but then you have to live with the guilt of that decision. No one can tell you to intervene to take care of him, because that's a huge sacrifice on your part. Do you have siblings or other relatives who can help you share this responsibility?? If it's just a matter of taking over his finances, like some have suggested- then that's a great place to be in. And all you'll need is his signature and a lawyer. Knowing what I know about addiction, it's never that simple.

 

I'm not sure if my advice is helpful, but I do sympathize with you very much. I'm so sorry.

[amaysngrace]

Addiction is an illness the same way that Alzheimer's is.

 

I'm not saying that it's easy to have an addict for a parent but saying you f-ing hate your dad who has an illness is cold.

[AMJ]

Addiction is an illness the same way that Alzheimer's is.

 

I'm not saying that it's easy to have an addict for a parent but saying you f-ing hate your dad who has an illness is cold.

 

Agghh! A woman in Al-Anon told me I shouldn't be angry at my dad because of his illness, it's like cancer. I was so angry, I did not return to that meeting.

 

Do you know anyone with an addiction problem?

 

My grandmother is dying right this second because of Alzheimer's. I worked in a cancer center at a hospital for two years. To tell family members of an addict that drug and alcohol addiction is the same thing as cancer, can be a very, very, offensive thing to do. No one has the right to tell me that I'm not allowed to be angry at my father.

 

No one has the right to tell OP that she doesn't have the right to be angry at her father.

 

I've never heard of anyone with cancer refusing cancer treatment. Have you?

There is no cure or treatment- not really- for Alzheimer's. If there were, I'm pretty sure most patients' family members would be all for it.

 

Treatment for addiction is a voluntary process. People who overcome addiction chose to get treatment. It's a mental health issue as much as it's a physical health issue. Some people recover, some people don't. But treatment for addicts is absolutely nothing like treatment for cancer. I hate, hate, hate it when people try to argue this point. This is the only problem I have with Al-Anon. OP- otherwise, Al-Anon is a very great support network.

 

And you know what? Saying you hate your dad because he's an addict IS NOT COLD. You have no idea the amount of pain an addict can put you through. Truly. If you had even the slightest idea, you'd never say that.

[amaysngrace]

I just lost my mom last month to lung cancer. She was an addict.

 

Nicotine.

 

But you seem angry so I'll leave you alone now.

[DatingDirection]

Isn't it odd how they take care of us when we are young then we take care of them when they are old, if we are fortunate enough to have them until they're old?

 

Do the right thing.

 

He never took care of me. Anyways...everyone seems to feel that i should have him stay at my flat, which is not even a 1 bedroom.

 

What if he steels some of my stuff, and sells it for drugs?

 

What if he never finds an apartment of his own? He needs a co-signer and I can't co-sign, I needed someone to help me get my own apartment.

[DatingDirection]

People can tell you to leave him be- but then you have to live with the guilt of that decision.

 

Thank you for sharing your insight. Yes, I would feel really guilty...feeling like it's my fault he's in a shelter...on the other hand he put himself there.

[GunslingerRoland]

If he is on drugs or an alcoholic I would not enable him by letting him live with you.

 

If he is in a poor financial situation for other reasons, I'd probably do what I could to try and help. Is a nursing home an option?

[dreamingoftigers]

He never took care of me. Anyways...everyone seems to feel that i should have him stay at my flat, which is not even a 1 bedroom.

 

What if he steels some of my stuff, and sells it for drugs?

 

What if he never finds an apartment of his own? He needs a co-signer and I can't co-sign, I needed someone to help me get my own apartment.

 

No, you don't let "addict Dad" move in! Hell to the NO!

 

You know what he's capable of. Keeping an apartment isn't a priority for him. Making sure YOU cam keep your apartment isn't a priority for him either.

 

Jeepers. People and their "oh but he's your Dad."

 

Yes, he's supposed to be YOUR FATHER. Not: you are supposed to be HIS.

 

I can see intervening financially for him considering he's completely incapable of keeping a place for himself.

 

But he might even be better off in a homeless shelter where he will have access to food and regular shelter.

 

I don't say that lightly. I married a homeless man. We've been married about a decade. He has many more aspects to him aside from that. But his addiction came back with a vengeance for awhile and I had to discover to be very firm about how to respond to him.

 

If you want to see him in a place, he needs to give you authority to help direct his finances. Short of that,he should not hit you up or pressure you for anything. Nor should anyone else.

 

I think we can all agree that nicotine addiction is a far cry from alcoholism and drug addiction. The same as I would freely say that I am addicted to sugar (not kidding). My addiction will lead to more health complications, diabetes and cancer in the end if it continues unchecked. But I don't steal or get evicted to support my cookie habit. I'm not a cookie-whore etc.

 

All addictions are not created equally and frankly alcoholics have the WORST track-record for honesty and functionality. Even the heroin addicts I've known over the years are more functional. That's why they can switch to methadone and keep custody of their children.

[mikeylo]

No need to feel guilty. He was supposed to be the adult one when you were a kid and take proper care of you but apparently didn't. Now that he is old snd you are young, doesn't mean that you feel guilty and clean up his mess. I would walk away guilt free from a parent like this.

[RecentChange]

A few things that helped me cope OP:

 

A bit of empathy, as I have come to accept no one, including my mother WANTS to live like she does.

 

It's a combo of mental illness and piss poor coping skills. Bad decision after bad decision - but she doesn't want to live this way, just isn't terribly capable of living any other way. Depression, low esteeem etc can make one their worst enemy - she never does anything to help herself.

 

So, by coming to this understanding, I have let the anger leave. She is still a source of stress and worry, but anger is so caustic to ME it's some thing I had to figure out how to let go of. Anger wasnt doing any damn good, just harm, and unlike my mother, I CAN CHOOSE to make changes that benefit me.

 

Letting go of the anger - and viewing it as she doesn't WANT to be like this, no one wants to be like this, has helped me cope immensely.

 

And adding DONT LET HIM MOVE IN!!! Assit with social services if you can - or like I said handle bills, but no, he doesn't deserve to live with you.

Edited February 19, 2016 by RecentChange

[d0nnivain]

He never took care of me. Anyways...everyone seems to feel that i should have him stay at my flat, which is not even a 1 bedroom.

 

What if he steels some of my stuff, and sells it for drugs?

 

What if he never finds an apartment of his own? He needs a co-signer and I can't co-sign, I needed someone to help me get my own apartment.

 

I never advocated that you let him stay with you or that you give him money. I said you should take over the control of HIS money. Then you act as his advocate. Get him into whatever programs he's eligible for. If things are as dire as they seem he's probably eligible for some kind of housing assistance which is not like getting an apartment in a free market; no co-signer needed.

[AMJ]

A few things that helped me cope OP:

 

A bit of empathy, as I have come to accept no one, including my mother WANTS to live like she does.

 

It's a combo of mental illness and piss poor coping skills. Bad decision after bad decision - but she doesn't want to live this way, just isn't terribly capable of living any other way. Depression, low esteeem etc can make one their worst enemy - she never does anything to help herself.

 

So, by coming to this understanding, I have let the anger leave. She is still a source of stress and worry, but anger is so caustic to ME it's some thing I had to figure out how to let go of. Anger wasnt doing any damn good, just harm, and unlike my mother, I CAN CHOOSE to make changes that benefit me.

 

Letting go of the anger - and viewing it as she doesn't WANT to be like this, no one wants to be like this, has helped me cope immensely.

 

And adding DONT LET HIM MOVE IN!!! Assit with social services if you can - or like I said handle bills, but no, he doesn't deserve to live with you.

 

This is all so true. Letting go of anger is very important. It's also very difficult to do, I'm struggling with that all the time. One day- I'm angry, the next, at peace, the next day, angry again. It's going to be extremely difficult for OP to let go of this anger while in the midst of handling this current problem, however.

 

I do agree that him moving in with you is not the best option. By no means should you feel guilty for anything you decide to do- I just meant to say that, even though we "shouldn't" feel guilty, it's easier said than done.

 

Are there sober living facilities nearby you? I think a homeless shelter is not a bad option- honestly. I know you will feel terrible about him ending up there, but if there is any hope for him to turn his life around (not likely at age 75, I know) it will come from hitting rock bottom. Or so everyone says.

 

It's a fine line between support, assistance, and letting the addict take over our lives. Letting him move in with you and jeopardizing your own living situation and life is not what's expected of you. If you can take over his finances and help him navigate whatever social services are available, that's a huge amount of help to give- and sounds like more help than he ever gave you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Personally I'm at the point where I just bitch about my Dad and use him as an example for other anonymous people.

 

And by "bitch about him" I don't mean searching for new material. Just old stuff that's long been dealt with. If it ever comes up. Frankly he's so "whacko" that if I run into people that knew me in childhood etc and they ask how he is I just say something like "still weird" or "about the same" (context dependent). They know what I mean. It gets a lot of laughs. Sometimes they share a memory of how they remember him. (Like "that time he screamed at me down the street." I just pretty much say, "yeah, still like that.") I am not in charge of his image control.

 

He really only bugs me now when he does stuff like a month or so ago he stopped by my place when two of my friends were leaving. He started yelling at them about me and they HAD NO IDEA who this guy even was. LMAO. I mean, I wasn't expecting him either so I couldn't even warn anyone. Then he told them he was my father and that " he had a right to know if I was home and who was there etc." My friend just said, "well if you're her father, you know what door to go to and check if she's home. I'm not going to talk to some strange guy in the alley about her." And then he walked away. So my Dad stated yelling at him about how "paranoid he was and how he already told him that he's my father, Idiot!"

 

I didn't even know my father stopped by at all until my friend called me from the road telling me about the weird encounter. So I called my Dad who also told the SAME story about what "an idiot my friend was who wouldn't tell him whether I was home or not."

 

I said, "okay. You couldn't just call or come to the door instead of telling at my friends down the alley?" He said "I don't know who's in there! It was LATE!"

 

FFS. Totally whacko. At this point it's even kind of nice when my friends encounter him. Because it probably answers whatever questions they have about why I seem a little uncomfortable socially sometimes. Or a little loud with jokes etc. I've overall gotten to "meh" about him but it can be a real headache.

 

Both of my parents will be a real headache if the other one passes away. I don't think my mother will be able to financially plan or care for herself. My father will leave a hole of debt and two handicapped kids behind (kids in their 20s currently). If my Mom dies first my Dad will be a total nut job wreck. I suspect he will try to remarry quickly, but it would have to be a real lunatic, so ugh. That will be fun. He seems to bring lunatics out of the woodwork. Terrible judge of character.

[Noproblem]

I just lost my mom last month to lung cancer. She was an addict.

 

Nicotine.

 

But you seem angry so I'll leave you alone now.

 

Sorry about your loss. May she rest in peace.

 

Addicted are not in their right mind, they don't want to fix themselves because they are not in their right mind.. We might hate them for the things they do themselves, but that won't solve their problem.