Strange Day (Guy Troubles)

[SixthSt.Girl]

I'm looking for advice yet again in a relationship matter... I feel like I'm writing to Dear Abby.

 

It's in the same situation as I mentioned before - there is a guy at work, "Greg," who has asked me to church a few times. I'd gotten the impression that he was interested in me from comments on my appearance and his demeanor. I wasn't sure of his intentions, what game he had going (if any), so I backed off and made up excuses each time. I was also in a relationship at the time and wasn't interested in seeing other guys outside of work (as friends or otherwise). I became single, and my feelings started to change about this guy. I began to think about how nice he'd been to me and though he really wasn't my type, thought that maybe getting to know him could be a good thing. I felt that he was offended by my past behavior - he had tried to hug me (which I found out later that he's a huggy, affectionate person) and I backed off, which made him feel bad. I decided (with the encouragement of a lot of posters on this board) to write him a brief note saying how I felt. Basically, I said I was sorry if I'd acted standoffish around him - it was awkward at work, I wouldn't mind talking outside of work. If he wanted to, let me know. My first post about this may still be on the board, not sure, which states what I said in the note.

 

Anyway, several days went by and I thought he wasn't going to respond. I felt kind of down, but forgot about and went on. Well, last week he calls and says he got the note, thanked me for it, but said he was a little confused about what it meant. He invited me over to his house to hang out and talk. I was a little hesitant to go there since I had a similar invite before, and you get the picture. But, I decided to go for some reason - thought if it got uncomfy for me I could leave. Well, when I got there we started talking about work. He said I looked nervous and said there was no reason to be since he wasn't technically my boss (he's my boss' brother and owns part of the store). He then changed subjects and talked about his church. He played a couple of religious songs on his organ and started talking about my faith and what I believed. I had mentioned before that I was looking for a new church. Around this time, I decided to go because I was tired of talking about religion and started thinking that's all there was to this guy. He invited me to go to a Bible study, then asked again about the note - was I just trying to see where I stood with him? Also, that part of it gave the impression that I was hitting on him. I said no, I just wanted to see where I stood and learn more about the church - at that time, I had no idea what he was thinking. He invited me to his home, but didn't seem to have any romantic intentions at all... I got home and thought, well that was a waste.

 

A couple days later, I am surprised to get a call from him. He says he really wants me to go to this Bible study. I make up some excuse, he doesn't buy it, keeps asking. Finally, I say ok, I'll go. I go and strangely have a great time! I didn't talk to him much at all even though it was at his house. At the end, he says stay and we'll all sit and chat awhile. I say, no I have to work and excuse myself. He reminds me about church, I say, maybe I'll go. I was still not sure about him at all - if he just wants a church buddy, or is trying to recruit people... I thought that it wasn't evangelism because he has never asked anyone else at work to go. I was mainly curious at that point - I have never met a guy like this. I thought about going to church, but totally forgot what time he told me. I called and asked, said I wasn't sure if I was going... (to try to pull something out of him) He says, yes, I should go, he really hopes I'll come, I can sit with him... I say I might, then he says alright, and the conversation ends. This is all going somewhere, I swear. I go to church today, he introduces me to some people. Then, this older man winks at me and says oh, he's a handful - referring to Greg. Greg looks uncomfortable and says, she's a part-time worker at the store and he doesn't know me that well. I mention that I was looking for a new church, and the older guy says I've come to a good place and moves on. Before the service starts, Greg invites me to lunch with him and his son (who was there with us). I said I didn't want to impose. He says no, it would be nice to have someone else to talk to. The service starts, then afterward, Greg went over to talk to some people and said he'd be back in a little bit. I felt strange and out of place, though a few people did come up and talk to me. When Greg came back, I told him I decided against the lunch thing, that I said I had to go and see my parents this afternoon and should get going. I thought he would press it, but he said if I couldn't go I couldn't go and reminded me about a prayer meeting this evening (I swear, there is a church event almost every day). I said thanks for the lunch invitation and I didn't know about tonight, said bye and left. I am feeling weird about this whole thing. I can't tell if Greg really wants me around - I know he wants me to go to church and such, but beyond that, I am stumped. He comments me on my looks hugs me, but when other people are around it's very different. He looked almost relieved that I left early instead of hanging around with him.

 

I truthfully was interested in seeing another church, I have been going through a rough time with career stuff and have felt alone since most of my college friends have left town. My church is ok, but it's an older congregation and very traditional. His church is more liberal and non-denominational, but there still aren't many young people. Greg himself is a lot older than me - I'm not sure of his age, but at least 20 years my senior. It sounds like a lot, but many women date older men where I live. There aren't many young people - maybe that's partly why I felt attracted to Greg. I only work part-time, my parents help support me because I have a degree that I found wasn't for me. There isn't much in retail to do that I can make a living from. I've been wanting to go back to school out of town, but have been hesitant and afraid to give up what I have here. I guess I feel the need to hang onto what I've got and make ties that will last while I'm away. I just can't understand this guy at all, and maybe some of you guys know where he's coming from and can explain his behavior. I'm sad, almost distraught, and don't think I will continue going to church or any church activities, even though people have been friendly and invited me back. Sorry for the long post, but maybe it will help me sort this stuff out.

[Groovy]

If Greg sounds deeply religious, he may just want a friendship before he thinks of you sexually or romantically. Even if he is attracted. I have done some Christian dating services. I met my boyfriend there and we go to church once a month together. But I also dated some people who were very involved, including a deacon (which is a hard to earn title). My experience was that they looked for friendship first and sometimes battled with their attractions. As you know in the bible pre-marital sex is looked down upon. The deacon stated to me that he wants friendship first, then romance, then marriage and then sex so he can protect himself from the bad things that can happen if he doesn't follow this path, as God wants him to do. If he is religious he may not be comfortable admitting sexual attraction, making out or doing those typical things. For now just be a church buddy. Look somewhere else for dating.

 

I know what you mean about joining a church with young people to network. I finally found a decent church after going to various ones. The service can be nice, maybe have nice people in the congregation but if there are no special events like community outreach programs, singles groups, charity dinners, etc and a very large congregation then I do not go. It is hard enough meeting decent people my age not sucked into all the garbage that goes on in society. It sounds like you are not really into this church. Just tell Greg the church does not meet your needs but you are still willing to keep in touch and maybe visit the bible study from time to time.

[Neptune]

20 years is a big difference in age and make no mistake about it, his interest in you is likely to be sexual. But he has to be cool because of the age and the ten commandments.