How long does it take to get over a breakup if you were the OM?

[portwine]

Is it as bad as ending a regular relationship, or does it take longer since there are so many unresolved issues?

 

The MW whom I was seeing for many years ended the relationship about six months ago, but we kind of got back together over the holidays, which of course got my hopes up again. But it didn't last long. Please note that she is now divorced and determined to move on with her life so she can start a new chapter. I respect that part, but what bedazzles me is the fact that I'm apparently not part of this new chapter. The chemistry between us is legendary. At the same time, I apparently fall short in other areas.

 

So why is it so hard for me to move on and forget about her? It doesn't make any sense because I'm a confident, good looking, guy, and I possess the gift of gab and charm - I've met quite a few ladies since we broke up. None of these lovely ladies, however, measure up to her in my book.

 

My feelings for her are only getting stronger as time progresses, which doesn't make any sense if she just used me for a piece of side-a$$ and affection for all these years. I always knew better and mentally prepared myself for the day when she would discard me after having used me as an experimental lab rat all these years. Similar to what she did with her ex.

 

So what has gotten into me? My mind is telling me to quit whining and move on, but my heart can't get over this adorable, attractive, poise, siren of a woman, who in reality lacks empathy.

 

I've never indulged in the use of narcotics/drugs, and what I've gotten myself into over the years reminds me of those stories you hear about people casually using drugs and claiming that they're not addicted. This woman was a drug I thought I could handle.

[privategal]

I think you have had some breadcrumbs and hope. If you havent gone complete no contact try that to heal.

Try not dating for a bit and work out and connect with friends.

The false hope is what you need to let go of. Youve got to accept this woman doesnt want to commit.

Let her go and stop letting her back in for more of the same.

Sorry for your pain.

[Methodical]

There is no set timetable for how long it takes to get over a relationship. That's defendant upon how strong your emotions were and how deeply you were invested.

 

Some ppl have been in short term relationships (a few months) and it negatively impacted their lives for a year or more because they were totally invested. On the flip side, some ppl have been in LTR and it took them only a few months, if that long, to move on.

 

IMO, the person who determines the relationship has reached a stalemate and cuts ties usually moves on much more easily than the person who never saw the end coming.

 

In your case, you suspected this day would come, so you tried to mentally prepare yourself for it, but reality is different than you had anticipated. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and trudge forward.

[brothers343]

My friend your story is like some of the stories you will find in this forum. And as many can tell you here.....your prognosis is one of dissapoinment and heartache. She has used you for what she needs. Your looks, your charm, your money has faded into oblivion. Sorry that I have harsh words for you but it's about reality. It takes some a very long time to get over an affair becouse you invest so much into them. You need to say goodbye to her and start your life. For every action there's an equal or opposite reaction. The opposite reaction to an affair is heartache, pain, an dissapointment to a dream you never really had in the first place. Time and patience will be your ally. Use it wisely. Good luck.

[portwine]

I think you have had some breadcrumbs and hope. If you havent gone complete no contact try that to heal.

Try not dating for a bit and work out and connect with friends.

The false hope is what you need to let go of. Youve got to accept this woman doesnt want to commit.

Let her go and stop letting her back in for more of the same.

Sorry for your pain.

 

 

Oh...she let me go all right. I'm the one who's have issues with it against my better judgement. She's not trying to get back in. I'm the one who has issues disavowing her, and it usually happens after I see her somewhere in public.

 

If she wasn't so damn attractive it would help.

[imperfectangel]

Oh...she let me go all right. I'm the one who's have issues with it against my better judgement. She's not trying to get back in. I'm the one who has issues disavowing her, and it usually happens after I see her somewhere in public.

 

If she wasn't so damn attractive it would help.

 

I am exactly the same with my mm. He can switch off from it but that just makes me crave him even more. It's funny you mentioned about it being addicted to drugs that is exactly how I feel. Addicted. The withdrawal is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sure my mm and your mw are loving the ego boost we are giving them!

[portwine]

I am exactly the same with my mm. He can switch off from it but that just makes me crave him even more. It's funny you mentioned about it being addicted to drugs that is exactly how I feel. Addicted. The withdrawal is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sure my mm and your mw are loving the ego boost we are giving them!

 

 

Well.....per my post my mw is not married anymore; she's now divorced. This makes it so much harder to endure, the fact that I apparently wasn't real relationship material in her eyes.

 

She is avoiding me because of our strong chemistry and my ability to make her acquiesce to my overtures in the past. It's just hard to think of someone you were with who has moved on and potentially is seeing other people to build a future.

[Be_Strong]

It doesn't make any sense because I'm a confident, good looking, guy, and I possess the gift of gab and charm

 

That makes for a great lover, but is low on the priority list for some women looking for a long term mate. Do you have money, power or fame? If not, you'll find yourself losing out to the short, bald, fat guy that is the CEO of a company.

 

Find that hottie that loves you for you.

[portwine]

That makes for a great lover, but is low on the priority list for some women looking for a long term mate. Do you have money, power or fame? If not, you'll find yourself losing out to the short, bald, fat guy that is the CEO of a company.

 

Find that hottie that loves you for you.

 

 

Funny you should say that....lol. The bald fat CEO guy with fame gets the wife with all the headaches while the lover gets the good stuff. That was our arrangement when I met her many years ago. However, both she and her ex husband have great careers and money, and he was actually tall and handsome as opposed to portly and follicly challenged. ......but... She went after me for sex and excitement.

 

I've done pretty well for myself : ) I've got money, all my hair and teeth, and well defined abs....lol.

 

We used to copulate with leporine vigor, several times a week, but women want more. At the same time, I had to play this careful dance in order to not push her away. Making demands while she was married only pushed her away - the funny thing is that she's now saying that she had to move on because I never made any demands or asked her to settle down with me all these years. You can't win with these people....

[Ms. Faust]

You use some very over the top language and analogies. Is this how you are in real life? You sound intense. I have met plenty of gabby, charming, alpha males and I find after a while it does tend to wear thin.

 

I am sorry it didn't work out for you. There really is no point to continue lingering. You had an intense love affair, time to move on, nothing left to see. She may come back, she may not. Who knows. For sure, though, the more you mull, contemplate, compare over a love lost the longer it will delay your healing.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Lovetoohard]

Funny you should say that....lol. The bald fat CEO guy with fame gets the wife with all the headaches while the lover gets the good stuff. That was our arrangement when I met her many years ago. However, both she and her ex husband have great careers and money, and he was actually tall and handsome as opposed to portly and follicly challenged. ......but... She went after me for sex and excitement.

 

I've done pretty well for myself : ) I've got money, all my hair and teeth, and well defined abs....lol.

 

We used to copulate with leporine vigor, several times a week, but women want more. At the same time, I had to play this careful dance in order to not push her away. Making demands while she was married only pushed her away - the funny thing is that she's now saying that she had to move on because I never made any demands or asked her to settle down with me all these years. You can't win with these people....

 

First, you only knew a tiny sliver of her real life. You only knew the sexy and exciting side of her. Most women appreciate a full head of hair, good teeth, well defined abs and financial stability. That said, women want emotional compatibility too. If anything, emotionally compatibility is the most important thing. Everything else that you mentioned is cherry on the icing. Sounds like it was pretty much about sex and excitement for you guys, and if so, definitely not long-term relationship material there. I've met lots of really successful and handsome guys and while it was exciting to go out with them, the lack of a substantive emotional connection and friendship was a deal breaker - a great pick-me-up and fun time out, but that's it. Women think in terms of emotional longevity. Like, I want to sit on the back porch and talk about any and everything with you and grow old with you. Sure, the sex and excitement is fantastic, but that fades when you're in adult diapers and are sporting liver spots and bitching about how retirement programs in America suck.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[portwine]

First, you only knew a tiny sliver of her real life. You only knew the sexy and exciting side of her. Most women appreciate a full head of hair, good teeth, well defined abs and financial stability. That said, women want emotional compatibility too. Sounds like it was pretty much about sex and excitement for you guys, and if so, definitely not long-term relationship material there. I've met lots of really successful and handsome guys and while it was exciting to go out with them, the lack of a substantive emotional connection and friendship was a deal breaker. Women think in terms of emotional longevity. Like, I want to sit on the back porch and talk about any and everything with you and grow old with you. Sure, the sex and excitement is fantastic, but that fades when you're in adult diapers and are sporting liver spots and bitching about how retirement programs in America suck.

 

Tiny sliver?? I was with her for six plus years! I've been to her house on many occasions.

uhm....we had a strong emotional connection! I've been right there with her as she was going through a career change; I've listened to her kvetch and complain about her family life; I used to babysit her pets; we took vacation getaways together; Christmas decorating; cooking; endless cuddling and spooning together with me expressing how good it felt to have her in my arms....

 

..........and I've told her on many occasions that I would walk through a burning house for her, and would travel to the end of the universe to bring her back home safely.

 

We had a VERY strong friendship and shared a lot of our deepest secrets, fears, emotions, etc. This girl knows that I adore her, but she's not that good in the give and take department. She only wanted to hear good news it seems, because whenever I expressed grievances of any kind she would lose interest.

[Sassy Girl]

Well ts no fun once the iliicitness disappears, is it?

 

Honestly, she sounds like an emotional vampire. Six years you say? Damn that's a lot of years to waste on someone unavailable.

[Ms. Faust]

 

We had a VERY strong friendship and shared a lot of our deepest secrets, fears, emotions, etc. This girl knows that I adore her, but she's not that good in the give and take department. She only wanted to hear good news it seems, because whenever I expressed grievances of any kind she would lose interest.

 

You can understand why the poster thought that. You talk about how attractive she is, money, rabbit like sex, and how attractive she is. Sounds like you were more into the image of you two together than anything else.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Lovetoohard]

Tiny sliver?? I was with her for six plus years! I've been to her house on many occasions.

uhm....we had a strong emotional connection! I've been right there with her as she was going through a career change; I've listened to her kvetch and complain about her family life; I used to babysit her pets; we took vacation getaways together; Christmas decorating; cooking; endless cuddling and spooning together with me expressing how good it felt to have her in my arms....

 

..........and I've told her on many occasions that I would walk through a burning house for her, and would travel to the end of the universe to bring her back home safely.

 

We had a VERY strong friendship and shared a lot of our deepest secrets, fears, emotions, etc. This girl knows that I adore her, but she's not that good in the give and take department. She only wanted to hear good news it seems, because whenever I expressed grievances of any kind she would lose interest.

 

Hey trust me, I know what this **** feels like. We all thought we knew and shared our lives with our AP's, but were you both making decisions on matters such as: mortgage payments? student loan payments? savings and retirement accounts? caring for aging parents and in-laws? waking up in the middle of the night to tend for a sick kid? attending parent-teacher conferences for your kids? arranging for summer camp and after-school activities? doing the laundry? taking care of of sick family members? picking up groceries? making funeral arrangements for a deceased family member? I'm not talking about pillow talk with an AP. I'm talking about actually being a partner, day in and day out, with this person. I feel your pain. It sucks plain and simple, but it's not a complete picture of the other person!

[William]

So, for the guys here who've been involved with married women, how long has it taken you to get over the affair and how did that process go? That's the topic.

 

Postings without berating or profane/vulgar language are likelier to garner their authors continued posting privileges. Thanks in advance for your consideration.

[portwine]

Well ts no fun once the iliicitness disappears, is it?

 

Honestly, she sounds like an emotional vampire. Six years you say? Damn that's a lot of years to waste on someone unavailable.

 

 

I think that you are correct. She played a lot of covert and passive aggressive games to keep me guessing, which created an environment that allowed her to manipulate me. From the get go, it often felt as if she lacked a soul and sense of empathy. I should have known better - I thought I had the strong foundation required to deal with her complex emotional disposition.

[Popsicle]

Go for a single woman.

[Lovetoohard]

I think that you are correct. She played a lot of covert and passive aggressive games to keep me guessing, which created an environment that allowed her to manipulate me. From the get go, it often felt as if she lacked a soul and sense of empathy. I should have known better - I thought I had the strong foundation required to deal with her complex emotional disposition.

 

Portwine, yes, she did manipulate you in order to fulfill some void that she had in her marriage. I wouldn't take the definition of "manipulation" in a sense that she was an evil, vile, abusive and horrible woman that intentionally used you. I don't think the blame can be placed on one party alone, after all, it is a volitional arrangement entered into by two consenting adults. I doubt there was calculated intent behind it. She inadvertently hurt you because she is too broken to recognize that her coping mechanism, that involves leaning on you, is truly dysfunctional, and selfishly, at your expense. You were her security blanket, her source of confidence, and her happy place - all things that are required and expected in a normal relationship, BUT, the thing is, affairs are not a normal relationship. A normal relationship requires that all of the expectations be mutually beneficial to both parties. Affairs tend to be a very one-sided, self-serving and short-term solution to whatever issue the AP is facing. It's a terrible coping mechanism employed by one that we truly care for, and one that doesn't take into account the supporting party's well-being. It's an awful reality and one that you've lived for 6 years!

 

You can't do anything but pick up the pieces and try to move on. I was harsh earlier on because it pains me to that read about how well we think we know someone but, in reality, we don't, and I sympathize with you and want you to look at things in an objective manner - a vantage point that most people in the midst of this mess tend to not see. We only know a fraction of this other person's life, even though we think we fully know them and would want to be with them. We have never been in a relationship with them where they're meeting our family as our gf/bf, spending time together without time limits, calling each other whenever we want and not being restricted because they can't pick up because the W/H is around, spending holidays together, being publicly acknowledged as being more than a friend, etc. It hurts badly and there's little anybody can say and do to make that go away. You just have to to give it time. Take it one day at a time, without adhering to any kind of a time frame. I am not an OM, but your recovery from this addiction will entail bad days and good days, with more good days than bad eventually. Wishing you positive thoughts...

Edited February 27, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[portwine]

Portwine, yes, she did manipulate you in order to fulfill some void that she had in her marriage. I wouldn't take the definition of "manipulation" in a sense that she was an evil, vile, abusive and horrible woman that intentionally used you. I doubt there was calculated intent behind it. She inadvertently hurt you because she is too broken to recognize that her coping mechanism, that involves leaning on you, is truly dysfunctional, and selfishly, at your expense. You were her security blanket, her source of confidence, and her happy escape - all things that are required and expected in a normal relationship, BUT, the thing is, affairs are not a normal relationship. A normal relationship requires that all of the expectations be mutually beneficial to both parties. Affairs tend to be a very one-sided, self-serving and short-term solution to whatever issue the MW/MM is facing. It's a terrible coping mechanism employed by one that we truly care for, and one that doesn't take into account the supporting party's well-being. It's an awful reality and one that you've lived for 6 years! You can't do anything but pick up the pieces and try to move on. I was harsh earlier on because it pains me to witness others go through what you're gong through, but I sympathize with you and want you to look at things in an objective manner - a vantage point that most people in the midst of this mess tend to not see. We only know a fraction of this other person's life, even though we think we fully know them and would want to be with them. We have never been in a relationship with them where they're meeting our family as our gf/bf, spending time together without time limits, calling each other whenever we want and not being restricted because they can't pick up because the W/H is around, spending holidays together, being publicly acknowledged as being more than a friend, etc. It hurts badly and there's little anybody can say and do to make that go away. You just have to to give it time. Take it one day at a time. Wishing you positive thoughts...

 

 

 

Thanks so much for the kind words and I agree completely with your take on affair-based relationships.

 

That being said, I am not some innocent bystander who got duped into this, but I was also complicit in this ill-fated love affair; I knew this going into it. I psychoanalyzed her from day one and confronted her regarding her broken ego and her covert mind games. I knew that she has narcissistic tendencies from day one, because what she did to her ex was unconscionable.

 

She tried to lambaste her ex for being emotionally distant when in reality she was the one who resorted to those type of head games. She mirrored onto others what she was actually doing, and I confronted her about it. I am very perceptive and intuitive, so why did I decide to let this linger for so long? And why am I hurt knowing what I know about her and how she played her ex for a fool. This is not a nice person and I therefore should be able to snap out of it, but it's not working out the way I thought it would. I sometimes feel like a challenged the devil and lost....

Edited February 27, 2016 by portwine

[portwine]

Go for a single woman.

 

 

She's been single for over a year.

[Popsicle]

She's been single for over a year.

 

I meant one who is single when you first meet them.

[portwine]

I meant one who is single when you first meet them.

 

Oh...damn straight. That was my biggest mistake, thinking that I had the "game" and dating acumen necessary to deal with a married women who lacks empathy. I have empathy and feelings and it worked against me in the long run.

[FusionCutter]

Is it as bad as ending a regular relationship, or does it take longer since there are so many unresolved issues?

 

The MW whom I was seeing for many years ended the relationship about six months ago, but we kind of got back together over the holidays, which of course got my hopes up again. But it didn't last long. Please note that she is now divorced and determined to move on with her life so she can start a new chapter. I respect that part, but what bedazzles me is the fact that I'm apparently not part of this new chapter. The chemistry between us is legendary. At the same time, I apparently fall short in other areas.

 

So why is it so hard for me to move on and forget about her? It doesn't make any sense because I'm a confident, good looking, guy, and I possess the gift of gab and charm - I've met quite a few ladies since we broke up. None of these lovely ladies, however, measure up to her in my book.

 

My feelings for her are only getting stronger as time progresses, which doesn't make any sense if she just used me for a piece of side-a$$ and affection for all these years. I always knew better and mentally prepared myself for the day when she would discard me after having used me as an experimental lab rat all these years. Similar to what she did with her ex.

 

So what has gotten into me? My mind is telling me to quit whining and move on, but my heart can't get over this adorable, attractive, poise, siren of a woman, who in reality lacks empathy.

 

I've never indulged in the use of narcotics/drugs, and what I've gotten myself into over the years reminds me of those stories you hear about people casually using drugs and claiming that they're not addicted. This woman was a drug I thought I could handle.

 

You've got to start the healing process. If you want out, block out this woman and take care of yourself. I promise you, there will be another girl. This woman was just a bump on your path. You've wasted enough time on her haven't you? Isn't it time that you got to move past this mess and find a woman that truly values you - this MW didn't value you.

[Popsicle]

Oh...damn straight. That was my biggest mistake, thinking that I had the "game" and dating acumen necessary to deal with a married women who lacks empathy. I have empathy and feelings and it worked against me in the long run.

 

Exactly. I hear you on that. Save your special feelings for someone who is worthy of them from the beginning.