How long does it take to get over a breakup if you were the OM?

[Lovetoohard]

Thanks so much for the kind words and I agree completely with your take on affair-based relationships.

 

That being said, I am not some innocent bystander who got duped into this, but I was also complicit in this ill-fated love affair; I knew this going into it. I psychoanalyzed her from day one and confronted her regarding her broken ego and her covert mind games. I knew that she has narcissistic tendencies from day one, because what she did to her ex was unconscionable.

 

She tried to lambaste her ex for being emotionally distant when in reality she was the one who resorted to those type of head games. She mirrored onto others what she was actually doing, and I confronted her about it. I am very perceptive and intuitive, so why did I decide to let this linger for so long? And why am I hurt knowing what I know about her and how she played her ex for a fool. This is not a nice person and I therefore should be able to snap out of it, but it's not working out the way I thought it would. I sometimes feel like a challenged the devil and lost....

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's impossible to just "snap out of it," nor should you have that expectation, even though we know that logically, that's what we should do, but affairs have an addictive quality and it takes time to gain clarity as it messes your head up pretty badly.

 

Also, think about it this way, in addition to the personality issues you've identified, do you really want to be with someone who is capable of this level of deceit and manipulation? I know that this question might appear to be hypocritical seeing how we knowingly enter into affairs and are participants in that deceit too, but if everything had worked out and you guys ended up together, would you be able to trust her completely? I'm going to venture a guess and say no. That's no way to live life.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[portwine]

]

but if everything had worked out and you guys ended up together, would you be able to trust her completely? I'm going to venture a guess and say no. That's no way to live life.

 

That was one of the concerns that she expressed. She thought that my emotionally guarded disposition was the result of some kind of exit strategy that I prepared because her proclivity for infidelity....

[S2B]

I think an exercise may help you a bit.

 

Make a list of things you thought she was and another list of who she actually is.

 

It may help you to see more clearly that she isn't the person you thought she was.

 

It's amazing how the human mind can believe what it wants to believe one thing when it shows evidence of being extremely different that what we thought.

 

Paying attention to evidence is key. Watching body language and noticing the lies is helpful too. The body language tells way more than words.

[portwine]

I think an exercise may help you a bit.

 

Make a list of things you thought she was and another list of who she actually is.

 

It may help you to see more clearly that she isn't the person you thought she was.

 

It's amazing how the human mind can believe what it wants to believe one thing when it shows evidence of being extremely different that what we thought.

 

Paying attention to evidence is key. Watching body language and noticing the lies is helpful too. The body language tells way more than words.

 

 

thanks for the advice : ) Believe it or not, I have conducted this kind of exercise in my head over and over. The issue is that I'm totally smitten with her "look" because she is exactly my "type" from that aspect, and I am a visceral person when it come to attraction - I am very, very picky that way.

 

I'll just trust father time to take care of the healing part.

[Lovetoohard]

Portwine, are you guys still in touch with each other?

[portwine]

Portwine, are you guys still in touch with each other?

 

Not as far as "seeing" each other, but I occasionally see her at one or two establishments that we both frequent - very hard to avoid since we have the same hobby in that sense.

 

She still reaches out to me with texts from time to time with the occasional funny meme or pic, and this is a bit frustrating because I start missing her again. She knows what it does to me......I'm certain of that.

 

The reason it's hard to move on has to do with my complete mastery and understanding of her personality profile. Over the years, she has ignored me and given me many silent treatment spells that lasted from weeks to months, but she always came back around for more loving.....and with a vengeance. So her coming back around is part of the recurring narrative; it's still in the back of my mind. I tolerated it to an extent because I'm very independent myself and love my space.....

[Lovetoohard]

Not as far as "seeing" each other, but I occasionally see her at one or two establishments that we both frequent - very hard to avoid since we have the same hobby in that sense.

 

She still reaches out to me with texts from time to time with the occasional funny meme or pic, and this is a bit frustrating because I start missing her again. She knows what it does to me......I'm certain of that.

 

The reason it's hard to move on has to do with my complete mastery and understanding of her personality profile. Over the years, she has ignored me and given me many silent treatment spells that lasted from weeks to months, but she always came back around for more loving.....and with a vengeance. So her coming back around is part of the recurring narrative; it's still in the back of my mind. I tolerated it to an extent because I'm very independent myself and love my space.....

 

Sounds like she's got a habit of leaning on you when things aren't going too well for her, but it's at the expense of your emotional health. Also, it sounds like she may be attempting to maintain some kind of a friendship, which in my opinion is impossible to do at this point. Maybe in the future, but not right now when things are still too raw for you.

 

I'm not a fan of blocking, but if you can ignore her texts or maybe politely ask her to respect your decision to be left alone, and maybe avoid the places you hang out at for a bit, this may give you some time to get strong enough to re-establish your boundaries and maybe even think about moving on from her.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Popsicle]

Yes, I too would advise, complete and total NC. You can't move on without that.

[Outofmysystem]

Portwine, I don't know if I can add any real insight to your situation, seems like you have throughly analyzed her and the relationship, and you've got a grasp on what you are dealing with.....I just appreciate your story because mine is real similar, mostly.....6 years, check, massive attraction and chemistry and epic sex, check, full emotional (I thought) connection, best friends, yada, yada, yada....mine is still married though, I've been NC physically for 6 months, total dark NC for 2 months.....it's hard, can't lie, it just is.....do I want to talk to her?, text?, see her? (and like you seeing yours out and about, she works right down the street from me) so I can "run" into her anytime I want, hell yes!.....but what has helped for me is the strict, no contact......I take the good and let the bad flow till it passes.....

 

But I feel you......believe me I do.....

[portwine]

Portwine, I don't know if I can add any real insight to your situation, seems like you have throughly analyzed her and the relationship, and you've got a grasp on what you are dealing with.....I just appreciate your story because mine is real similar, mostly.....6 years, check, massive attraction and chemistry and epic sex, check, full emotional (I thought) connection, best friends, yada, yada, yada....mine is still married though, I've been NC physically for 6 months, total dark NC for 2 months.....it's hard, can't lie, it just is.....do I want to talk to her?, text?, see her? (and like you seeing yours out and about, she works right down the street from me) so I can "run" into her anytime I want, hell yes!.....but what has helped for me is the strict, no contact......I take the good and let the bad flow till it passes.....

 

But I feel you......believe me I do.....

 

Thanks brother! I appreciate your feedback.

 

Trust me, I know that no contact is the way to go in order to move on. That being said, since she is the epitome of a covert narcissist with the silent treatment as her weapon of choice, something is still lingering in the back of my mind that she'll be back again. She has done this in the past when I wrote her off. It was easy for me to put up with because I'm very independent and love my space too.

 

When I first met her I had no qualms about putting her in her place, and she was flabbergasted at my grasp of the "facts" as it pertained to her complex personality profile; she turned as pale as a ghost when I began reading her mind at any given moment. This women is not so much about a give and take love relationship but she's all about "how you make me feel" since she lacks a sense of "self"; she gets bored easily; hates routines; very manipulative in a covert way; conveys an uppity vibe; sees constructive criticism as an all out attack; lacks empathy; has an innate "cold" demeanor intertwined with her extremely charming personality and stunning looks. Whenever I called her out and went Judge Judy on her regarding her mind games, she would cut me off for days, weeks at a time. She's got horrible conflict resolution skills and will resort to silent episodes as a means of exacting punishment or living another double life ; )

 

So, knowing full on who and what she is all about and what "planet" this succubus hails from, why do I find it hard to just move on? I think it's 1) my ego is bruised and 2) cessation of incredible recurring sex.......and I do care for her.

[Outofmysystem]

Port, sounds like you have a mess of a woman on your hands....a full understanding, but still a mess....and I think you also have your answer as well....my reaction to mine when it ended was certainly some of the, "who are YOU to end this with ME?".....there was absolutely an ego stroke going on and for a long time, and of course I miss that.....now with mine, there was also genuine affection and attention as opposed to the full self-centered nature of yours, so I know "the challenge" might be appealing, but I don't know how you've done it for so long....except.....looks and fantastic sex are powerful drugs....I suffer along with you too brother....

[wmacbride]

Tiny sliver?? I was with her for six plus years! I've been to her house on many occasions.

uhm....we had a strong emotional connection! I've been right there with her as she was going through a career change; I've listened to her kvetch and complain about her family life; I used to babysit her pets; we took vacation getaways together; Christmas decorating; cooking; endless cuddling and spooning together with me expressing how good it felt to have her in my arms....

 

..........and I've told her on many occasions that I would walk through a burning house for her, and would travel to the end of the universe to bring her back home safely.

 

We had a VERY strong friendship and shared a lot of our deepest secrets, fears, emotions, etc. This girl knows that I adore her, but she's not that good in the give and take department. She only wanted to hear good news it seems, because whenever I expressed grievances of any kind she would lose interest.

 

She sounds like she was addicted to the drama of the whole situation, the poetry ( if you will) of the two of you being "star crossed lovers" who were being kept apart by circumstances beyond your control.

 

Some say forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but once it's no longer forbidden, it's the fastest to to spoil and go bad. In other words, some people always want what they can't have, and once they can freely get it, they quickly lose interest.

[portwine]

She sounds like she was addicted to the drama of the whole situation, the poetry ( if you will) of the two of you being "star crossed lovers" who were being kept apart by circumstances beyond your control.

 

Some say forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but once it's no longer forbidden, it's the fastest to to spoil and go bad. In other words, some people always want what they can't have, and once they can freely get it, they quickly lose interest.

 

 

I can't say that there was real drama. The real drama was her ignoring me from time to time and then reaching out to me again when she wanted some of me. When we were together there was a lot affection and open communication, but she ultimately would revert back to her Jeckyll and Hyde persona and do a 180 by pushing me away.

 

Make no mistake about it because she was, and is, in total control of every relationship situation. The reason she controls relationships with hot and cold tactics is to create an air of uncertainty so people will always chase her. Make sense? Blowing hot and cold is also a perfect method to avoid any confrontation when she needs to be called out on questionable behavior - she'll just put you in time out.

 

But here's the kicker: she is not suffering when she puts people in time out. On the contrary, she goes on with her life and does her thing, and knowing that she's f***** with someone's mind in a covert, ambiguous, manner, only makes her feel good because her target now feels as insecure and scarred as she innately does 24/7. Her feelings of empathy seem a bit intellectual (rehearsed) but not always from the heart.

[portwine]

Well.....this is weird.

 

Just as I thought that we were all moving along forward, I get and SMS from my ex asking if I'm available to talk.....out of the blue. What was that all about?

 

I didn't take the bait, but I'm wondering if I'm being hoovered back in.

 

thoughts?

[burnt]

Well.....this is weird.

 

Just as I thought that we were all moving along forward, I get and SMS from my ex asking if I'm available to talk.....out of the blue. What was that all about?

 

I didn't take the bait, but I'm wondering if I'm being hoovered back in.

 

thoughts?

 

If you don't respond, you will always wonder what she wanted to discuss and what might have been in her mind... that curiosity… (will kill the cat)

 

If you do respond, I'm guessing, no matter what she has to say, it will cause you pain like peeling off whatever healing progress you've made … (like skinning the cat)

 

damned if you do; damned if you don't.

 

Of course maintaining NC would be best course of action.

[Ophelia25]

I've never indulged in the use of narcotics/drugs, and what I've gotten myself into over the years reminds me of those stories you hear about people casually using drugs and claiming that they're not addicted. This woman was a drug I thought I could handle.

 

^^^^This!

 

I know that those with addictive personalties also are inclined to indulge in affairs. Same chemicals boost the brain, I read. I have never done drugs, but am a child of alcoholism, and believe that may be a factor.

 

But to me, nothing else other than the drug metaphor makes any sense. This is the most powerful drug I can imagine, and I handled it pretty well for such a long time (I can handle this - isn't that what addicts tend to believe?) But it's harder in some ways because one can just pick up the drugs again. With another person involved, it's like they may or may not want to let you have the high. Like maybe shooting your arm with the needle and nothing comes out. Or snorting powdered sugar - ha, I'm great with the drug references having never done any.

[Lovetoohard]

Well.....this is weird.

 

Just as I thought that we were all moving along forward, I get and SMS from my ex asking if I'm available to talk.....out of the blue. What was that all about?

 

I didn't take the bait, but I'm wondering if I'm being hoovered back in.

 

thoughts?

 

Portwine, only she would know her true motives. That said, sounds like she's got a track record of messing you up and seems to only show up when she's at some low point in her life. Sounds like you've decided to ignore the text. How are you feeling? Do you think you're healing and getting stronger?

[portwine]

Portwine, only she would know her true motives. That said, sounds like she's got a track record of messing you up and seems to only show up when she's at some low point in her life. Sounds like you've decided to ignore the text. How are you feeling? Do you think you're healing and getting stronger?

 

Lovetoohard....you know what's weird? She didn't even call me but she wanted to come over. Weird!

 

 

 

Yes I am.....feeling very strong! I have been meeting SO MANY nice women, it's ridiculous. This online dating profile I set up seems to be working because I haven't reached out to anyone, but my inbox has been flooded....no joke.

 

I already met a very attractive woman with a stellar career (she's coming over later tonight), and about seven women have forwarded me their phone numbers, and these are the good looking ones! I'm not kidding.

 

Moreover, I'm meeting a lot of women through my social circles.....

[sandylee1]

Lovetoohard....you know what's weird? She didn't even call me but she wanted to come over. Weird!

 

 

 

Yes I am.....feeling very strong! I have been meeting SO MANY nice women, it's ridiculous. This online dating profile I set up seems to be working because I haven't reached out to anyone, but my inbox has been flooded....no joke.

 

I already met a very attractive woman with a stellar career (she's coming over later tonight), and about seven women have forwarded me their phone numbers, and these are the good looking ones! I'm not kidding.

 

Moreover, I'm meeting a lot of women through my social circles.....

 

Good for you.

 

Just ignore the MW and meet these new women.

Blocking her would really be best ... but just carry on seeing the OLD ladies.. otherwise she'll play you for a puppet for as long as you allow it.

 

All the best

[13Hearts]

I can't say that there was real drama. The real drama was her ignoring me from time to time and then reaching out to me again when she wanted some of me. When we were together there was a lot affection and open communication, but she ultimately would revert back to her Jeckyll and Hyde persona and do a 180 by pushing me away.

 

Make no mistake about it because she was, and is, in total control of every relationship situation. The reason she controls relationships with hot and cold tactics is to create an air of uncertainty so people will always chase her. Make sense? Blowing hot and cold is also a perfect method to avoid any confrontation when she needs to be called out on questionable behavior - she'll just put you in time out.

 

But here's the kicker: she is not suffering when she puts people in time out. On the contrary, she goes on with her life and does her thing, and knowing that she's f***** with someone's mind in a covert, ambiguous, manner, only makes her feel good because her target now feels as insecure and scarred as she innately does 24/7. Her feelings of empathy seem a bit intellectual (rehearsed) but not always from the heart.

 

It seems to me that you like psychoanalyzing her, trying to figure her out, maybe knowing more about her than she knows herself.

 

So, tell me, why are you so attracted to crazy?

[portwine]

It seems to me that you like psychoanalyzing her, trying to figure her out, maybe knowing more about her than she knows herself.

 

So, tell me, why are you so attracted to crazy?

 

 

Interesting observation and I can relate to what you're saying.

 

That being said, it's not so much about me being attracted to crazy but it's more about my penchant for deploying analytical thinking skills to solve problems.

 

By the way, she is not "crazy" from outward appearances. She comes across as poise and the ambassador for level-headed and equanimity. What makes her so fascinating is the covert tactics, or what she doesn't do (passive aggressive) that makes her peculiar. She has the ability to make others feel like they're crazy by leaving you guessing.

 

I have never seen any dramatic or histrionic outbursts coming from her..never. It's that silent game that she plays that makes men wonder. Get it?

 

 

She has the ability to drop loved ones like a sack of potatoes if they've outlived their usefulness, or are becoming a burden in way shape or form.

It's that calm hypnotic spell that she casts that captivates those around her.

[carhill]

I call it 'thinking the relationship'. Bonding and attachment comes from emotions. One can perform the behaviors of attachment without actually attaching or bonding. One can also have a brain chemistry that directs emotions situationally and, like data on a memory disk, can be erased without trace and it can be like the interactions, or relationship, never happened.

 

However, as mind-reading is impossible and psychoanalysis is best left to professionals, the easiest way IMO to get over such relations where they confound one's own sense of bonding, attachment, love, or any other emotional process, is to accept the end as self-evident, regardless of reasons, impetuses, responsibilities, or anything, process it as a death and grieve it and move on.

 

Also, practice this in your own life. If people rub you the wrong way, don't spend time negotiating, compromising, supplicating, whatever. Erase them. Once you get proficient at that, it's easier to deal with being erased. In any long life, and hopefully yours will be long, it'll happen a lot.

[Ophelia25]

Interesting observation and I can relate to what you're saying.

 

That being said, it's not so much about me being attracted to crazy but it's more about my penchant for deploying analytical thinking skills to solve problems.

 

By the way, she is not "crazy" from outward appearances. She comes across as poise and the ambassador for level-headed and equanimity. What makes her so fascinating is the covert tactics, or what she doesn't do (passive aggressive) that makes her peculiar. She has the ability to make others feel like they're crazy by leaving you guessing.

 

I have never seen any dramatic or histrionic outbursts coming from her..never. It's that silent game that she plays that makes men wonder. Get it?

 

 

She has the ability to drop loved ones like a sack of potatoes if they've outlived their usefulness, or are becoming a burden in way shape or form.

It's that calm hypnotic spell that she casts that captivates those around her.

 

I get it! My AP might be her twin. Silent games, no drama, sucking me in while making me feel completely insane, and acting like he's comoletely unaware of doing anything. I'm the crazy, needy, difficult one! I want to tell you to run far away immediately, but I never have. Id like to see you do it, though. Show me that it's possible!

[Cappycorny]

Interesting to read from the mans stand point. Thanks for sharing this. Not a man so I'm just going to guess that probably the same amount of time as that of the OW if feelings were involved. Sounds like feelings were involved for you so that's harder to cope with. Now if you just used her for a piece of corn beef.. sorry could not resist, I'd say you'd not be thinking twice about her. In my case I was the corn beef! And I thought my brain was able to stay all emotionally out of it but it turned to cabbage! It's all tough either way.

[portwine]

Interesting to read from the mans stand point. Thanks for sharing this. Not a man so I'm just going to guess that probably the same amount of time as that of the OW if feelings were involved. Sounds like feelings were involved for you so that's harder to cope with. Now if you just used her for a piece of corn beef.. sorry could not resist, I'd say you'd not be thinking twice about her. In my case I was the corn beef! And I thought my brain was able to stay all emotionally out of it but it turned to cabbage! It's all tough either way.

 

I did use her as a piece of corned beef initially, and so did she because she came after me! But when you do it for seven plus years and get along well, feelings will always become part of the equation. That's what happened here.