Twenty Years Wasted :(

[maacus]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post here, and I'm thankful for this forum as well as all of the good people posting here. I read quite a few posts to see if this was the right place for me before I decided to tell my story. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

 

Twenty years ago I married who I though was the love of my life. When I think back, I do believe my feelings were more like those of a "rescue" than being those of true love. I don't know for sure at this point, my feelings and thoughts are so jumbled right now.

 

Our marriage had always been a rocky one, and most of it (I'm being honest here) due to the baggage that she brought into it. From the onset, things were way off and I should have left the marriage then and there. First, she didn't sleep with me on our honeymoon. Her excuse was that her Daughter, being three at the time, needed to get used to the new surroundings (she moved in with me the day after the marriage). I thought, "okay, I can see that." One day (of not sleeping with me) turned into two, then three, then four... Well, you get the message.

 

Fast forward to 18 years later (two years ago). I had been the sole provider of the household all of that time. She never lifted a finger to help bring in an income, and honestly, I was okay with that part. However, although she did start sleeping with me within a few months of our marriage, she reverted to her old ways within a few years and slept in a separate room. Yes, no sex from three years into the marriage until the day we split up.

 

During that time, if you can believe it, we grew even further apart. Over the years, her apathy toward me and our marriage turned in to hatred. I honestly tried everything that I could do to reconcile our marriage and begged her to tell me what the problem was, but all of that was to no avail. Not only did we end up not sleeping together, the entire marriage turned into a sham, with me doing all of the work (including cleaning the house) to bring home money, but also all of the outside work in the yard, paying all of the bills, etc. We never went anywhere together in the last five years, and when our daughter (her daughter who I adopted) turned 18 and moved out (a daughter she would never let me spend time with - she occupied her time and kept her away from me almost 24/7).

 

You probably are saying "Why the ____ did you put up with this so long?" Well, you and dozens of other people who had knowledge of our marriage. You may think I'm leaving a lot out, and I am. Because if I were to write everything this would fill a book.

 

Did I have my faults in the marriage. You bet. Just like any other, it's never a one sided issue. But I do have to say in my defense that I recognized my shortcomings and did everything I could to rectify them, and they weren't any such thing as emotional or physical abuse. In fact, it was quite the opposite; I was the one suffering the emotional abuse.

 

Over the last two years, I knew that this marriage was doomed, and reluctantly admitted to myself deep down that I could no longer live as nothing more than a paycheck. She didn't care about me and she made it obvious. There were medical issues (mine) that I avoided because she said that "we couldn't afford it." One time I even had an emergency and broke my finger and she said to just tape it up and deal with the pain; not even taking into account that I use my hands as a tool to make a living. I mean, she just began to not make ANY sense to me.

 

Why treat someone who takes care of you like complete crap? Has anyone else had this happen to them?

 

Anyway, everything came to a head last March when (in a depression because she had not spoken to me for 6 days - she shut herself in her room) I was drinking some beer. At least I could look forward to that (or so I thought) after a long day of working outside. Anyway, I was very tired and after three or four beers, I fell asleep on the easy chair in the living room.

 

I was awakened an hour later to emergency personnel and a local policeman in my house. The policeman was telling me I had to go with the medical personnel on a stretcher. I asked why. My wife was standing right there beside him when he said "Your wife is concerned for your safety and believes you are suicidal." "You have to come with us for observation."

 

I couldn't believe it. I had never once indicated any such thing. In fact, over the years, it was SHE who had suicidal tendencies and I tried to get her to seek help when that was the case. At one point, she was so depressed over an issue with her immigration status (something that I begged her to take care of and stood firm beside her but she was afraid to approach INS), that she suggested BOTH SHE AND I make a suicide pact and off ourselves.

 

I told her that I had no such inclinations.

 

Anyway, on to the rest of the story. After being under observation and not allowed to leave the hospital for 12 hours, the cops finally were convinced I had no such thoughts of suicide. As soon as I returned home, I told her it was OVER and that I could never trust her again. This was the final straw.

 

So, we both left the house. I stayed and cleaned it/prepped it for sale, working my butt off as usual with her doing as little as possible. Not long after the house was ready for potential buyers, I went to visit my sister in a neighboring state. The realtor was going to show the house and if I needed to return (it was only a three hour drive), she would let me or my soon to be ex wife know.

 

Three weeks to the day after I arrived at my sisters house I collapsed and was taken to the emergency room. A blood clot had been forming in the artery that supplies blood to the small intestine and it had apparently killed 18 inches of my small intestine, resulting in a herniation and it burst. Sepsis resulted and to save my life, doctors had to perform not one but two surgeries a week apart.

 

All of that time, neither my wife, or 20 year old adopted daughter called to speak to me once. They didn't send a card, not flowers, and most certainly didn't come to see me in the hospital. While in the hospital, the house was sold and she got her half, I got mine.

 

First off, she wanted to get the divorce finalized RIGHT AWAY. I said I would get on the ball as soon as I was out of the hospital. Then, she dropped off the face of the earth. After being in the hospital for six weeks, I tried to contact her by phone, email, through her friends. NOTHING.

 

My Daughter did contact me via email and said that she was fine, but didn't want to speak with me. My daughter did say that she loved me, but wouldn't explain why she refused to see me in the hospital or once I got out. She also wouldn't say why email wasn't even much of an option. Apparently she simply had too much to do and didn't have time for dear old dad.

 

Anyway, I was let out of the hospital, but was almost always in excruciating pain. Turns out the doctors resected 18 inches of my small intestine but left the blood clot in. This was found out after two months (of excrutiating pain, night and day) by a vascular surgeon in another hospital in another state. Meanwhile, my finances are being sucked dry by medical bills and payments on my car, etc. And being laid up in the hospital plus in debilitating pain, I hadn't been able to get any kind of work whatsoever.

 

They ended up fixing the blood clot with a stint, and I was back (or so I thought) on the mend again.

 

Then, in September, my large intestine became herniated and burst, resulting in sepsis AGAIN. Honest, I am not exaggerating this and it was not due to something I was doing or neglecting. I had been taking care of myself per doctors orders.

 

After getting out of the hospital in October, I began the road to recovery again. All in all, between April and October, with all of the hospital stays, emergency room visits, acute kidney failure time and time again, I had lost 90 pounds.

 

Over those months, my "wife" still kept in touch, although sparingly. She now doesn't seem too interested in the divorce as she was at first, and will only keep in touch with me sparingly. Still she doesn't tell me where she is or will give me her phone number. And all she does is place the failure of the marriage square on my shoulders. WTF???

 

Anyway, here it is February and it is the longest I have not seen the inside of a hospital since last April. I have gained back about half of the weight I lost, and (honestly) I don't need to gain any more. I was about 30 pounds overweight, and about 50 pounds of my "ideal" weight.

 

This is what I don't understand folks. Why oh why did she treat me in such a manner all of those years, and now why is she playing tag with me on the divorce? Is she hoping that I kick the bucket and she will get my social security? I have NO retirement left and have $800,000.00 in medical bills.

 

I mean, what gives? Has anyone ever had a problem like this and what was the reason? I still cannot wrap my head around this.

 

I'm extremely depressed about my situation. No money, no home of my own, my health still has a ways to go before I'm 100%, no car, and no family that I tried and tried to nurture for twenty years.

 

I'm sorry, that is all I can write for now. I'll add more details as time passes. I sincerely hope someone can offer me some input or advice.

[maacus]

Oh, and all this (being financially devestated -- as well as emotionally) after having worked the last twenty years making nearly six figures as a professional. It is taking a LOT of getting used to and is extremely depressing.

[oldshirt]

I wish you a solid recovery and hope you get back on your feet as soon as possible.

 

I am not really sure what advice you are asking for. You need to divorce and get away from this aweful person as soon as you can.

 

No decent person can OR SHOULD explain why a horrible person does what they do. Your goal should not be to understand her but to get away from her as quickly as possible and salvage the rest of your life.

 

You have made some mistakes here. One was marrying her when it was surely apparent she didn't love or respect you. And your other mistake was not kicking her to the curb years ago.

 

The worst mistake you can make now is to delay getting away from her one day later than you have to. It's always better late than never.

 

The only thing worse than wasting 20 years, is wasting 20 years and a day.

[maacus]

Oldshirt, I agree. She is indeed, and I don't use this term lightly, a monster in every aspect. She used me and abused me and now is (perhaps?) evading me in finding her because she is hoping that I kick the bucket or something. She has never worked a day in her life and depends upon others to keep up her standard of living. Before me, she had a roommate that took care of her. And now, she is either living with a guy somewhere or some other friend who will foot the bill for whatever she needs.

 

The thing is, I have no money to pursue her. I'm now in a neighboring state, and am literally so deep in debt that I will never be able to crawl out of it. I also need something, anything to make money at right now. I'm living with (and off) my sister, who lives off of disability and I just cannot fathom doing this much longer.

 

The person I was living with, back in the other state (where she is) passed away on Christmas evening. I mean, it's as if everything and anything bad that could happen to me or those that I am close to has happened.

 

I don't know this to be fact, but many years ago she offhandedly said that she was a literal witch, and I laughed it off. Now, after all of this time, and incidents that have happened in between, I'm beginning to wonder if she was being honest with me for the only time during our marriage.

[maacus]

And oldshirt, thank you for the well wishes. I appreciate that very much.

[ProdigalMe]

Your marriage is like your intestines. It's toxic, it's poisoning you, and it's time for a re-section.

 

Don't go it alone. Just like you wouldn't operate on yourself, don't do the divorce by yourself, and don't try to cure your emotional turmoil by yourself. Those burdens are too heavy for one person.

 

Go see a divorce attorney. Go see a counselor. And go see a medical malpractice attorney to see about that botched first surgery.

 

I find that when I'm feeling blue, action (forceful, decisive action) makes me feel a little better because I feel like I have a little bit of control over the situation.

 

I know it's hard. It's confusing. We want reciprocity from our loved ones. We think: "If I give, I will receive." But we know that's not true. You know that's not true. For whatever reason, your wife and adopted daughter are incapable of reciprocating love. It won't do you any good to wonder why, or wish that they would, or wish that your 20-year rescue project comes to fruition. Here's a startling but empowering truth: you don't need their love; your own self-respect is enough.

 

Notice how you're starting to feel better after surgery (when stuff got cut out of you)? If you cut your wife and daughter out of your life, imagine how much better you'll feel.

 

Also, continue relieving your burdens by posting here. Recover fast. Get strong. Best wishes to you. We are listening.

[maacus]

Thank you prodigalme. I have accepted that it is over and has been for some time. In fact, it never was, if I'm being honest with myself. And yes, the medical malpractice is high on my list; even the vascular surgeon in Texas told me that I should sue the pants off the doctors that left the clot in my. In his words, I should have died. As for a divorce attorney, I will need to find one to take the case pro bono or something that will not cost $$$, because I am flat broke. When I work, I make $75 to $100/hr, and there is that potential on the horizon with a new client coming up from an old friend of mine in DC. I write proposals for a living, and not the marriage kind. My track record on marriage proposals is pretty bad, lol.

 

So if I can get that gig going soon, I will be able to work from home and make significant money, thereby boosting my self confidence, keep myself busy, and earn enough money to hire a divorce lawyer. There is still that pesky thing of finding out where she is. And it's not because I wish to see her; it's the last thing I want to do. I will be fine if I never, ever see her again. She's poison.

[Mr. Lucky]

The hard truth is this is about 5% on her and 95% on you. Once she indicated her true feelings early on (a celibate honeymoon??? No sex after year 3???), you had all the info you needed to make an informed decision about the future of your marriage. That you would stay 20 years is incomprehensible. Sorry for the tough love but wow...

 

So you lose the right to feel sorry for yourself and need to get to work. Can you collect disability or other assistance until you start working? I'd table any thoughts of divorce and concentrate on finding a job. Stay strong and keep posting.

 

Mr. Lucky

[maacus]

Disability is in the distant future, Mr. Lucky. I'll be working before I'd ever collect a dime of that. And the reason I feel so bad and that it was 20 years wasted is that it is all on me. I should have left at the first sign, but kept hoping "around the next corner." But again, shame on me. I just wonder how a person like that lives with themselves. And poisons my Daughter against me as well, over the course of her young life. Very sad, and I hope that she reaps what she sows. I certainly have.

[preraph]

I mean, you said it right away. This wasn't a love story. You say she is an immigrant and it was more of a rescue. Of course, maybe she married for citizenship. Money sounds just as likely, or both. You had to know she didn't love you, and I can't imagine why you married her except that you mentioned her not having sex over and over and over again, so I'm assuming you married her to have sex with her, but how can I know. You know why, right?

 

I'm glad you're not suicidal. I think you'd be better off alone, maybe at least be at peace. She was right about you being depressed. You're both depressed because you're living with someone you don't love.

 

I say get out of it and provide for yourself and just give yourself a peaceful life. To me this sounds like an arranged marriage more than anything else. I'm sorry your health is bad. I hope you'll get away from her and just take care of yourself so she doesn't prevent that. Good luck.

[66Charger]

Before you divorce, there is something you must do.

 

Notify the holders of your medical debt. Let them know that you sold the house and where the proceeds are. As long as you are married, you both are liable for the debt. Medical collections agencies will attack her accounts mercilessly, no matter where she is. Surely you have her social somewhere.

 

Wouldn't it be something if you received a call from her screaming that all her money is gone because of you.

 

OMG. Ruthless

 

Let the dogs out.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I do believe there are bad people along with good people in this world. You can blame their past, their childhood, mental issues...but there are bad people in this world. Some, I truly believe, are born that way.

 

From your description, your wife is a bad person. So stop trying to understand the why and accept that you married and STAYED with a bad person. The real question is why YOU chose to tolerate her for so long. You will never get answers to her behavior and quite frankly the why shouldn't matter. Will it make you feel better if she had explained that she was just using you, or that she loved you once and that you drove her feelings away...what kind of answers are you looking for?

 

No answer will be good enough for you. It will not erase the 20 years of misery that you experienced being married to this woman. You must focus on yourself and rebuilding your self from the inside out. Focus on your health, career and healing not just physically but emotionally and mentally. If you had some self esteem and valued yourself, you would never have let someone trample you the way your wife did.

 

Try to figure out why you let that happen. I hope you recover and stay healthy. Good luck.

[ribeto]

Dude you stayed in a horrific marriage for over 20 years and it almost drove you to your grave.

 

You've got your plan, get some money, get an attorney who will locate your wife and serve her with divorce papers.

 

You can rebuild but it's going to probably take you another 20 years.

[mrs rubble]

Before you divorce, there is something you must do.

 

Notify the holders of your medical debt. Let them know that you sold the house and where the proceeds are. As long as you are married, you both are liable for the debt. Medical collections agencies will attack her accounts mercilessly, no matter where she is. Surely you have her social somewhere.

 

Wouldn't it be something if you received a call from her screaming that all her money is gone because of you.

 

OMG. Ruthless

 

Let the dogs out.

This is what I was going to say too, while you are still married it's half her debt- give it to her!!

[RRM321]

Sadly, yes. She married you to resolve her immigration status, and then she stalled the divorce when it looked like probate in the wake of your possible demise would be the better option.

 

I think this woman is incapable of real empathy - and I think that is why you stayed so long. Truly feeling and caring people cannot even conceive of a human being who lacks empathy. We might stay because we think there's a solution, a fix that we've missed somehow. Surely, they know what they are doing and how it must feel, right?

 

Wrong.

 

You've asked: "how can she treat me this way?" Well, consider for a moment what it's like to never be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes; to never actually feel empathy. She can be that cruel to you because she's never going to feel anything; save but the inconvenience of your protest.

[oldshirt]

This is what I was going to say too, while you are still married it's half her debt- give it to her!!

 

 

 

I hate to admit it but I agree with this as well. You have footed all her bills and have supported her all this time and she has done nothing for you.

 

 

I am going to recant my previous admonition to divorce her ASAP. Stay married to her as long as you can and help the creditors and collection agencies find her and eat at her like a pack of wolves.

 

 

You've cried for 20 years, find a way to get the last laugh as Karma tears the flesh from her.

[preraph]

You can always declare bankruptcy. Medical bills is the number one reason people do it.

[Tayla]

You can always declare bankruptcy. Medical bills is the number one reason people do it.

 

Nope, obama care nipped that in the bud. Medical bills ( unless life threatening... coma, lost of limb, organ abnormality )...medical bills are not often included or approved in bankruptcy. Thats what obama care was working to make sure people couldn't use in filing. Clever eh?

 

Op, most here who went thru unimaginable circumstances, wish to never endure it again... Its a good reminder that after the worse... it can only get better... and usually it does! I wish you better days ...

[maacus]

You are ALL so very right. You may or may not have read my long-winded first post, but I am away from her and have been since the end of March last year. I am moving on with my life. It's been difficult, but I have my own issues, like sticking around for 20 years when I KNEW deep down that it was never real. I realize that I must have self-esteem issues, at least in the romance/love department. In all other areas, I'm very confident of myself.

 

I appreciate all of the comments, and I want to reiterate that I am telling the truth. If anything, I'm understating all that she did to me over the years. And that only makes what I put up with more pathetic, I know.

 

I am starting to rebuild my life, slowly. I think as far as she and my daughter go, I'm really getting past that quite well. It is this lack of independence that is frustrating to me. For my whole life I have worked hard and made good money, was able to do for myself. I served my country in the US Army, went on to college, then made a name for myself in my career - a respected career. Now I am relying on my disabled sister to feed me and put a roof over my head. I don't even have transportation.

 

THESE are the things I have the real problem with today. If only I could take a job making a few hundred dollars a week, I would do so. I'm a hard worker, and don't consider myself too good for any type of work as long as I'm physically able, and my health is probably 75% of what it was before. In many ways, it is even better because I'm no longer feeling anxious all the time working and slaving away for someone that never cared about me. But the anxiety is there in another form, due to this lack of independence. There have been no panic attacks in months though. When I was with her I had full blown panic attacks on a regular basis.

 

Anyway, I am rambling. But it does do me good to come here and post. I thank you all for your honest answers, and do appreciate them. At the very least it reaffirms that I did the right thing in leaving a very very bad situation. And that she is most definitely an evil person with absolutely no empathy for anyone but herself.

[Calmandfocused]

Dear Marcus

 

I actually shed a few tears reading this. What a truly awful experience you've had to endure.

 

Here's the good news: it will get better! The good thing about reaching rock bottom is that there is only one way to go. That way is up, forward and to the future.

 

You will one day (not now) look back at this and be thankful that this dreadful experience closed the door on what sounds like a unfulfilling and abusive marriage.

 

Times are hard now but it will improve. Concentrate on you, getting your health back as first priority. Take each step at a time and things will get better.

 

Your daughter will come round. At the moment she is being brainwashed by your wife. Let her know that you love her and she will return to you at some point. Sounds like you've been a good dad to her and one day she will realise that. For now concentrate on you.

 

Best wishes

[maacus]

Calmanfocused. Thank you SO much for those words. I know that I took abuse for many years that I shouldn't have had to endure, but my daughter having a home was the number one priority to me. There was no yelling, or anything like that. And she kept so busy with figure skating that she even competed in the US Nationals when she was 16 and won the junior championship. So she didn't witness a lot of things and me being depressed. I know that if I wasn't around, she would have had to live a pretty shoddy life. Now she is on her own and engaged to be married; they both seem happy, what little I've seen of them. Again, thank you so much. I am focusing on my health and getting better day by day. It is happening, I can feel it.

[jenkins95]

Just wanted to send you a (((hug))) maacus. You must be going through hell. You come across as such a thoroughly decent guy in your posts - you tried everything to make it work - for two decades, while she appears to have done very little other than sitting on her butt fit the whole time.

 

No one would have blamed you for walking after 5 years, but you stuck it out for 20, and I'm sure that a lot of that was to provide a stable home for your daughter.

 

You are a great guy, she has now grown up and it's time to put yourself first.

 

Have a wonderful life - you deserve it. I wish you all the very best of luck..... and who knows who you may meet in the future - the future could be so exciting.

 

Keep posting, we're here - you will feel better each day maacus

Edited February 27, 2016 by jenkins95

[loveboid]

She might be hiding from you to avoid creditors. I agree with getting back marital assets for medical debt.

 

There are people live off of others, it's just a fact.

 

Good luck.

[maacus]

Just wanted to send you a (((hug))) maacus. You must be going through hell. You come across as such a thoroughly decent guy in your posts - you tried everything to make it work - for two decades, while she appears to have done very little other than sitting on her butt fit the whole time.

 

No one would have blamed you for walking after 5 years, but you stuck it out for 20, and I'm sure that a lot of that was to provide a stable home for your daughter.

 

You are a great guy, she has now grown up and it's time to put yourself first.

 

Have a wonderful life - you deserve it. I wish you all the very best of luck..... and who knows who you may meet in the future - the future could be so exciting.

 

Keep posting, we're here - you will feel better each day maacus

 

I'm just floored in a way that you can't possibly know by your post jenkins. This one and other like it lift my spirits and give me hope. Of course, all of the good advice on here is much appreciated; even if it is not pleasant to hear it is true. But inspirational posts like these really really do help me more than you know. (((hugs))) back at you. I deservedly catch a lot of flack for taking the abuse for 20 years, but honestly, I wanted nothing but good for my Daughter and my Wife. I worked hard, I didn't cheat, I provided, I sacrificed, and at the very least I know that I gave my Daughter a stable home to live in until she was out on her own.

 

Bless you and thanks again.

[maacus]

Loveboid I do believe you are right. And I am going to make sure she shares in that debt.