What Other Women Have to Say to Betrayed Wives

[jj003]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

The main point is that he stays in his bad marriage. Which proves my point. I think men return to whomever is the strongest, irrespective of whom they love. (I understood you're not the OW ). Hence, they're weak.

no, I think the OW left him, he said he was very hurt...

unfortunately some H also left, I know in real life, at least a few cases...

so it all depends...

[newbby]

The main point is that he stays in his bad marriage. Which proves my point. I think men return to whomever is the strongest, irrespective of whom they love. (I understood you're not the OW ). Hence, they're weak.

 

 

I think men will stay with the person who already irons his shirts and makes his dinner, they want to be taken care of they also dont like changes to their comfort, they are far less adaptable or resourceful than women.

[CurlyIam]

Funny you should say that, that reminds me of what my mom told me about people getting divorced (irrespective of the motive why). Men will almost always remarry in the shortest of times, they feel the need to be taken care of and take loneliness much harder than women.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think that part of the issue with the OW's taking much of the blame is that when they are caught many OM's do not step up to the plate and accept responsibility for their actions. They tell their wives that they were the one's pursued, that's not the case in all affairs, but in some. My OM was the only one who I have ever heard of who stepped up and said, "I pursued her, she turned me down repeatedly but she wasn't getting her needs met at home and I knew she was vulnerable. It was my fault"

 

I reminded him that it was my choice to do what I did but he still insists that if he wouldn't have pursued me first and until I gave in, none of that would have happened.

[jj003]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I think that part of the issue with the OW's taking much of the blame is that when they are caught many OM's do not step up to the plate and accept responsibility for their actions. They tell their wives that they were the one's pursued, that's not the case in all affairs, but in some. My OM was the only one who I have ever heard of who stepped up and said, "I pursued her, she turned me down repeatedly but she wasn't getting her needs met at home and I knew she was vulnerable. It was my fault"

 

I reminded him that it was my choice to do what I did but he still insists that if he wouldn't have pursued me first and until I gave in, none of that would have happened.

you have a wonderful mm !! many will envy you!

[newbby]

Will he also go to the bank and make the biggest loan possible for his daughter to go to Stanford?

 

i have no reason to believe otherwise

 

 

 

That's exactly what I'm talking about. You think, you belive, you trust his words. That's the mistake. Want to put your faith in something, put your faith in the things you do yourself. How can you belive someone who's lying to his wife? How can you take words for granted, when parents lie, friends lie, everyone, everyone lies?

 

 

 

well yes we should all put faith in ourselves rather than rely on others for happiness, including the wife who puts all her faith in her husband and the belief that because she is married no one will ever fall in love with her husband, and her husand will never fall in love with anybody else

 

You don't believe him, you chose to believe him because it's easier. It eases things with your conscience! You're chosing to be blind to reality, you prefer words to facts. That makes it your own personal hell, 'cause I'm sure it's hell to let yourself be lied to this way.

 

the easing things with your conscience bit is simply not true, not for me anyway. i believed him because initially i think he spoke the truth. i probably but not conciously CHOSE to believe him when it began to be a lie because by that time i was in too deep and found it hard to cope with the pain of it being a lie.

 

If he's inlove, he doesn't leave. He doesn't give up. IF he gives up, it means it was the trill of the chase that attracted him in the first place, not the OW in herself. And that is the biggest slap in the face any woman get get!

 

 

as i said before i believe initially he is either in love or sooo consumed with lust that he does think he is going to leave his wife. as time i'm sure those feelings change

 

If she doesn't know about the affair, even if the marriage is a joke, she is the innocent party.

 

i didnt say she wasnt i meant this is what the mm is seeing.

 

 

The wife hates the OW because she had the affair, irrespective of who told whom what. The minute you learnt about his marriage and you didn't leave his sorry arse, you're exposing yourself to everyone. And they will attack you, because you are alone. He is in a marriage and thus, in a couple and everybody knows that all marriages have ups and downs. YEs, he has his family, he's not in the rough spot. You are. And he will make you pay for his guilty conscience, as well. Again, by staying, by not leaving the second you knew he was married, you've signed your sentence.

 

I simply stated a fact the wife and the rest of society then condemn and attack the ow, i never stated whether it was unjust or not

[CurlyIam]

"I simply stated a fact the wife and the rest of society then condemn and attack the ow, i never stated whether it was unjust or not."

 

Well, the whole point is in having a reason to do that, or so I thought. If it were just for the OW to be condamned, why wouldn't society do it? As far as I grisp it, America is one of the most Puritan places I can imagine.

[newbby]

the wife is angry its understandable, as for every wife and all of society holding every ow mainly responsible, thats a whole different matter.

i didnt say it was just or unjust, i simply said it

[Mz. Pixie]

JJ-

 

Well, he was a cheater so don't give him too many props!

 

We both decided we felt too guilty and stopped. I ended up leaving my H but not for him. That's when the details of the A came out. It's a big drawn out story but he lost everything for all of this and he still accepted the blame for it. His wife forgave both of us and they are doing better than ever!

[Mr Spock]

Bottom line is that if you are the engineer of your own downfall, whining and moaning about the downfall doesn't cut it. Nobody feels bad for the Darwin Award winners. Maybe some folks can manage to muster a little pity for people who are stupid enough to fall for the classic lines and believe in these cheaters who, by definition, are already liars. But to ask for sympathy is too much

 

 

And that's soley your opinion. Did you ask for sympathy when your marriage dissolved?? From anyone, just curious.

[Mr Spock]

I simply stated a fact the wife and the rest of society then condemn and attack the ow, i never stated whether it was unjust or not

 

 

Yeah. And that's what I'm trying to pound through some thick skulls here. And I mean they're THICK!!!! Not much room for brains, just the parts that control eating and pooping.

 

 

One had better be beyond reproach in their own relationship if they wish to express dissaproval of someone elses. The bit about glass houses and rocks.

[jj003]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

 

One had better be beyond reproach in their own relationship if they wish to express dissaproval of someone elses. The bit about glass houses and rocks.

 

I agree

[phillygirl63]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Yeah. And that's what I'm trying to pound through some thick skulls here. And I mean they're THICK!!!! Not much room for brains, just the parts that control eating and pooping.

 

 

Geez Spock, with comments like that you seem to epitomize how society views the Other Woman. Mean and Nasty.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by phillygirl63

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Yeah. And that's what I'm trying to pound through some thick skulls here. And I mean they're THICK!!!! Not much room for brains, just the parts that control eating and pooping.

 

 

Geez Spock, with comments like that you seem to epitomize how society views the Other Woman. Mean and Nasty.

 

 

Are you taking my comments to heart because inside you feel you have a thick skull?? That's your problem.

[CurlyIam]

Isn't that calling names and thus conforming to the exact stereotype you're fighting?

[JPMorgan]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

No, not quite-they're enablers. One must be able to accept fault for their actions-but it's entirely true they don't owe the BS sh*t. That's what I'm saying. People get on here and post "Think of the W, how could you" well it goes both ways. Most of the time the W places a large chunk of the blame on the OW.

 

 

Of course we do. It's human nature to try to find someone or something to blame. It's much easier to blame someone we don't know and have never loved than it is to blame someone we love and trust. It's easier to believe that a loved one could be drawn away from us rather than that they went willingly. That part will eventually come to the mind and heart of the betrayed spouse and it will hurt even more than when the infidelity first found out.

 

Women who knowingly enter into a relationship with a married man; or men who knowingly enter into a relationship with a married woman have some serious character flaws, imo. A cheating spouse who does not pursue an affair, but chooses to enter into one when they have the opportunity has a different flaw and one that can be worked on and lived with. A cheating spouse who pursues extramarital affairs also has some character flaws and its highly doubtful that they can be changed or lived with--no matter how remorseful the cheater appears.

 

Unfortunatly we don't always see those flaws before we make a commitment and give someone our love. We don't see that they are liars and users and because we love them we may appear to others to be enablers because our love blinds us to those flaws.

 

I would never be so selfish and self-centered and arrogant that I would steal something from someone because I do have a conscious and I do have consideration for others and I don't think only about myself and what might feel good at the time to me.

 

The whole "just do it" generation has been sadly led and manipulated into believing that whatever feels good to them is OK and that they should just go forward and not think about others because no one thinks about them. Some may not have fallen for the rhetoric, but others have taken it to heart and they truly do not care about anyone but themselves.

[newbby]

Women who knowingly enter into a relationship with a married man; or men who knowingly enter into a relationship with a married woman have some serious character flaws, imo. A cheating spouse who does not pursue an affair, but chooses to enter into one when they have the opportunity has a different flaw and one that can be worked on and lived with. A cheating spouse who pursues extramarital affairs also has some character flaws

 

 

verry interesting how the ow has SERIOUS character flaws, the cheating spouse- non pursuer has A flaw and the pursuing cheating spouse has SOME flaws.

 

Unfortunatly we don't always see those flaws before we make a commitment and give someone our love. We don't see that they are liars and users and because we love them we may appear to others to be enablers because our love blinds us to those flaws.

 

 

 

but this of course only becomes valid if a ring is involved

 

I would never be so selfish and self-centered and arrogant that I would steal something from someone because I do have a conscious and I do have consideration for others and I don't think only about myself and what might feel good at the time to me.

 

 

this whole stealing thing is ridiculous, do you really consider marriage ownership of another person, no wonder you are so shocked and cannot believe it when you find out that this PERSON that you OWN has a mind and will of its own and it isnt necessarily what YOU had in mind for it.

 

The whole "just do it" generation has been sadly led and manipulated into believing that whatever feels good to them is OK and that they should just go forward and not think about others because no one thinks about them. Some may not have fallen for the rhetoric, but others have taken it to heart and they truly do not care about anyone but themselves.

 

some information for you: people have been having affairs for a looooong time, its just that a few decades ago, wives thought they had to put up with it without complaint.

[izzybelle]

personally, i've grown soooooooooo tired of the whole "character flaw" argument. it seems that periodically when someone here does something that someone else doesn't approve of (whether this forum or another), or they say they would "never" do (and i always laugh when i see someone post that they would "never" do anything!!!) they suddenly have a "character flaw." there is IMHO a HUGE difference between those of us who make a mistake and freely admit it here and those "homewreckers" who are just out to see how many marriages they can destroy in one lifetime, and last time i checked there are close to none of those who post here. and i could turn it around and say that the BS has a serious character flaw because she's insecure enough to stay in a realtionship with a man who has, and may again, cheated, and that she's flawed because she will continue to buy into his lies and not see the truth. that she doesn't vallue herself enough to stand on her own. BUT although i don't completely understand why some BSs may stay, i DON'T believe that's a character flaw. there may be issues and mistakes, but that's a totally diff ball game. mistakes, characteristics, problems etc. we ALL have them, but but character flaws??? just because we don't approve of someone else's behavior ... i don't think so!

 

very few of us are perfect although i'll admit i've met some here who would like the entire world to believe that. and those are usually the people who are the most troubled and most troubling because they tend to pass judgement on anyone and everyone who doesn't live up to their "perfect" standards. and i've met them in real life ... kind of amusing in a sad sort of way.

[newbby]

Of course we do. It's human nature to try to find someone or something to blame. It's much easier to blame someone we don't know and have never loved than it is to blame someone we love and trust. It's easier to believe that a loved one could be drawn away from us rather than that they went willingly. That part will eventually come to the mind and heart of the betrayed spouse and it will hurt even more than when the infidelity first found out.

 

 

at least you show some insight here

[BoatingBabe]

Originally posted by izzybelle

personally, i've grown soooooooooo tired of the whole "character flaw" argument. it seems that periodically when someone here does something that someone else doesn't approve of (whether this forum or another), or they say they would "never" do (and i always laugh when i see someone post that they would "never" do anything!!!) they suddenly have a "character flaw." there is IMHO a HUGE difference between those of us who make a mistake and freely admit it here and those "homewreckers" who are just out to see how many marriages they can destroy in one lifetime, and last time i checked there are close to none of those who post here. and i could turn it around and say that the BS has a serious character flaw because she's insecure enough to stay in a realtionship with a man who has, and may again, cheated, and that she's flawed because she will continue to buy into his lies and not see the truth. that she doesn't vallue herself enough to stand on her own. BUT although i don't completely understand why some BSs may stay, i DON'T believe that's a character flaw. there may be issues and mistakes, but that's a totally diff ball game. mistakes, characteristics, problems etc. we ALL have them, but but character flaws??? just because we don't approve of someone else's behavior ... i don't think so!

 

very few of us are perfect although i'll admit i've met some here who would like the entire world to believe that. and those are usually the people who are the most troubled and most troubling because they tend to pass judgement on anyone and everyone who doesn't live up to their "perfect" standards. and i've met them in real life ... kind of amusing in a sad sort of way.

 

 

GREAT POST!!

[jj003]

Originally posted by newbby

at least you show some insight here

atleast, she is sincere in what she wrote,...

[jj003]

Originally posted by izzybelle

personally, i've grown soooooooooo tired of the whole "character flaw" argument. it seems that periodically when someone here does something that someone else doesn't approve of (whether this forum or another), or they say they would "never" do (and i always laugh when i see someone post that they would "never" do anything!!!) they suddenly have a "character flaw." there is IMHO a HUGE difference between those of us who make a mistake and freely admit it here and those "homewreckers" who are just out to see how many marriages they can destroy in one lifetime, and last time i checked there are close to none of those who post here. and i could turn it around and say that the BS has a serious character flaw because she's insecure enough to stay in a realtionship with a man who has, and may again, cheated, and that she's flawed because she will continue to buy into his lies and not see the truth. that she doesn't vallue herself enough to stand on her own. BUT although i don't completely understand why some BSs may stay, i DON'T believe that's a character flaw. there may be issues and mistakes, but that's a totally diff ball game. mistakes, characteristics, problems etc. we ALL have them, but but character flaws??? just because we don't approve of someone else's behavior ... i don't think so!

 

very few of us are perfect although i'll admit i've met some here who would like the entire world to believe that. and those are usually the people who are the most troubled and most troubling because they tend to pass judgement on anyone and everyone who doesn't live up to their "perfect" standards. and i've met them in real life ... kind of amusing in a sad sort of way.

 

yes, great post indeed ! Izzy!

[jj003]

Originally posted by newbby

 

this whole stealing thing is ridiculous, do you really consider marriage ownership of another person, no wonder you are so shocked and cannot believe it when you find out that this PERSON that you OWN has a mind and will of its own and it isnt necessarily what YOU had in mind for it.

 

.

 

Well written, newbby...!!

and the person they own should have the freedom to choose or change his mind....to make his own decision!!

[whichwayisup]

Of course we do. It's human nature to try to find someone or something to blame. It's much easier to blame someone we don't know and have never loved than it is to blame someone we love and trust. It's easier to believe that a loved one could be drawn away from us rather than that they went willingly. That part will eventually come to the mind and heart of the betrayed spouse and it will hurt even more than when the infidelity first found out.

 

That is so true. It's like anything bad in life, we all want to blame somebody or something - That whole WHY WHY WHY??? I know when my father died nearly 12 years ago I had SO much anger in me, I was so angry at him for leaving us. I needed to throw the blame around, and I did. Once the grieving process really started I went through the normal phases of it all...I guess finding out about an A is like a death because life as the BS knows it, is over. World is turned upside down.

 

s***ty things just happen in life, some we have control over, some we dont...Though it's during those low and negative times NOONE thinks clearly - We all say, think and do stupid things at times, it's not really rational thinking or healthy behaviour. Neither person involved in the affair is thinking of consquences of their actions, they're too into the NOW and selfishness of it all, caught up in eachother and the whole addictive part of feeling good, almost obession-like behaviour.

When a BS first finds out, ofcourse the first reaction is denial and blame. She hates what her H has done, but isn't really willing to think objectively and say it's mostly HIS fault - She puts it on the OW, it's all HER fault, if she wasn't tempting him, he never would have cheated. We all know it takes two to tango and each are to blame.

 

Somebody a while ago posted something like," don't put yourself in a situation where you can't walk away or say no. Human nature to want to feel good, just not at somebody else's expense..."

[newbby]

Human nature to want to feel good, just not at somebody else's expense

 

this is very true its how things should be, and believe it or not, also something i strive towards. i just think that everybody at some point or other or many times in small ways or just somehow makes themselves feel better at someone elses expense. be it a comment they make to make someone feel small, or a fancy car they drive that pollutes the environment but makes them feel good, or wearing logos even though they know that some people in another country are working their fingers to the bone for next to nothing for that logo or being too busy to talk to someone who really needs support, or eating a poor cow that died just for a good taste in their mouth...there is so much selfishness in the world, i'm not saying that makes it right, but i'm amazed that people walk around thinking they do nothing selfish to make them feel good.