JPMorgan Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby jp, it means betrayed wives in the forum, i think. i think it all started as a result of some betrayed wives giving the ow a hard time in here constantly and jumping on them every time they say they are upset. the ow were simply saying that their pain is also valid and they should be able to come to their support forum without being jumped on. i think that the position of ow is a very misunderstood one. i think unless you have actually been involved in the situation or unless you are exceptionally intelligent and perceptive, you will not understand it. the bs in here seem to think that ow are proud of themselves or think that they did nothing wrong at all, however the majority of the ow in here are both mature and intelligent and understand where they went wrong. however the common misconception of others is that the ow plots and plans to "steal" a mm, this is where the arguments begin to happen. whilst the ow are perfectly capable of accepting responsibility there is another aspect to this that nobody ever sees from the outside, and that is the manipulation of the mm, the mm is as kkat said often a skilled con-artist, there is no doubt about it. as a result the ow is often in a great deal of pain that not many can understand, people such as the bs in here look in from the outside and think "but she must surely have known", well the situation is a complex one in many ways for the ow. i was reading a thread from a mw in here who was plotting to cheat on her h, from her point of view its as simple as, i want sex and fun so i'm going to get it. this is probably how simple it is for many mm too, although i believe there is often confusion there too. however for the ow, there is a great deal of complicated emotion, there is also a complete loss of power in the situation they are in. it is brilliant that there is somewhere they can talk about these feelings and get some support, but alot of bw in here seem to think that they shouldnt have that 'luxury'. I understand that. I understand that is why this forum is here too and obviously it is working for many. I know that everyone has feelings. However, I still stand by my opinion and anyone who has been an OW is going to have to learn that they are not going to get sympathy from everyone. Certainly not from me. It's too bad that people hurt sometimes. I have cause myself hurt by my own bad decisions and I accept my own responsibility. I don't have any sympathy for OW who enter into an affair knowing the guy was married, or stay in affair after they find out. If they are too ignorant to get out or blame it on low self-esteem or whatever other justification they can come up with for remaining in an affair -- then they have earned whatever pain they may be going through. Maybe they will learn from it. If someone enters into a relationship and after they are emotionally invested they find out that their partner is married I can sympathize with the emotional pain they may feel and how difficult and heartbreaking it may be for them to end the relationship, and I'm all for being supportive of people who are doing the right thing by ending the affair; but the sympathy stops when they don't end it. At that point they deserve whatever pain they get. If they care or are affected by what others think of them -- then they need to accept that many will be disgusted by their actions and attitudes and stop whining about it. If OW who don't care or won't end it are reading this, get used to it--I'm not the only one who feels this way and I seriously doubt if many (if any) can change the mind and heart of the wife who was cheated on, and if they don't care what would it matter to them how some others view them anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 nobody is asking for sympathy from ANYONE, i think the word i would use is support. nobody is asking for support from bs either, just wondering why they feel the need to come in and attack, wondering how it makes them feel better to do so, and wondering why they cant see that they are every bit as manipulated by their husbands as we are. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMorgan Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby nobody is asking for sympathy from ANYONE, i think the word i would use is support. nobody is asking for support from bs either, just wondering why they feel the need to come in and attack, wondering how it makes them feel better to do so, and wondering why they cant see that they are every bit as manipulated by their husbands as we are. Sometimes its the only way they can find to let out the anger and hostility they feel for OW. If they can't find 'their' OW, they figure any OW will do. I am not like that. If an OW wants to leave then I'm all for supporting their efforts. Maybe some of them will understand the anger and hostility and bitterness that a BS feels and can use that to help them maintain their strength when leaving. If they feel bad enough about themselves for what they have done, it might override their heartbreak enough to stick to the commitment to end it. Eventually when they have recovered sufficiently to move on they can regain some pride by saying "I did it. I left. I no longer have to feel bad about hurting someone else because I know I'll never do it again" Understanding that the pain for some BS's is so great; so overpowering - that all they can do is lash out can be an eye-opener. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 JP Understanding that the pain for some BS's is so great; so overpowering - that all they can do is lash out can be an eye-opener. you're right, it can be an eye opener. the guy i'm seeing's STBXW cheated on him, and even though it's been over a year since it all started, i still see some issues that he's working through. obviously his marriage didn't survive, her choice, but i know he's afraid to trust. and then again, after my mess with MM, i've been afraid to trust as well. but i also hope that you'll understand that even though you may not feel that it's justified, some OWs feel an incredible amount of pain as well. in my 40+ years and all the relationships and breakups i've been through, nothing even comes close to comparing to how much damage the mess with MM caused. and please also understand, and think back to when your pain (assuming you've been through a situ with infidelity, since i don't remember) if someone had come in guns blazing and told you you had behaved badly, questioned your character, etc.... would you have been ready to hear it at that point? my stance here and in many other places to people who tend to be a little on the harsh side, is that even though someone may have a stern message to deliver it is more likely to be received if said with kindness and not bitterness. i do understand the need to lash out, been there, but when one person in pain lashes out at another in pain, it often ends in disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
b52srock Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 I have to throw my 2 cents in here...(in a nutshell) I was married for 18 years. Listened to rumors for the past 5 that ex and wh*re were having an affair. Stood up for both of them and denied it (couldn't see it, we were friends, after all ) Ex moved out a year and a half ago. Wh*re had the "balls" to move into the apartment next door! Both denied anything was going on. Finally had proof, confronted both of them, and am now divorced. This woman pursued my ex, without a doubt. She divorced her own husband in order to continue her pursuit. She saw my ex as the next "cash cow". Didn't hurt that he's handsome, intelligent, witty, etc. A very good catch. Ex has become a completely different person since becoming involved with her. He's selfish, self centered, cares little for his kids, works out like a maniac, and parties like he's 18 again. She's also selfish, self centered, and has been treated like a princess by everyone in town her entire life....until they found out what she'd done to me. Now she has had to quit her job and move out of state. There is nowhere in town they can go where she isn't shunned or talked about (right to her face). Its only a matter of time before she becomes unhappy with how things are. Only a matter of time before she finds out he doesn't have a dime to his name since the divorce. Only a matter of time before she dumps his ass. Serves them both right if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Just Curious What ever happened to self respect? Morality? The sanctity of marriage? I would never consider sleeping with a man who was married no matter if I was attracted to him or not. It is the womans choice whether she sleeps with him or not and brings herself to a low level in everyones eyes. Her refusing to get involved with him before he has divorced makes her the winner in everyones eyes. She can face up to all those who may infer and truthfully say that she was honorable. I am happy to say that even though I met my husband when he was still married to his ex wife that I did not even have any type of relationship with him... emotional or otherwise until after his divorce was well under way. When he showed me his completed divorce papers we then made plans for an official date. I was not the cause of their divorce, they had been talking divorce for over two years at the time I met him. That is why I can look back and not feel guilt or remorse over my actions. TFW Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 clap clap clap clap Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife Just Curious What ever happened to self respect? Morality? The sanctity of marriage? I would never consider sleeping with a man who was married no matter if I was attracted to him or not. It is the womans choice whether she sleeps with him or not and brings herself to a low level in everyones eyes. Her refusing to get involved with him before he has divorced makes her the winner in everyones eyes. She can face up to all those who may infer and truthfully say that she was honorable. I am happy to say that even though I met my husband when he was still married to his ex wife that I did not even have any type of relationship with him... emotional or otherwise until after his divorce was well under way. When he showed me his completed divorce papers we then made plans for an official date. I was not the cause of their divorce, they had been talking divorce for over two years at the time I met him. That is why I can look back and not feel guilt or remorse over my actions. TFW We're not all that strong sweetie Link to post Share on other sites
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