What Other Women Have to Say to Betrayed Wives

[newbby]

The OW should be aware of the "pain" because they've involved themselves with a man who is taken already, either married or in a serious relationship. Betrayed spouses are not aware of the pain until they find out.

 

There's another example, more direct. (NOT meant to offend anybody...)

 

the ow is not aware of the pain because from her perspective a man from a broken down marriage is pursuing her, she believes because of his actions that he is no longer willing to participate in the upkeep of his marriage. she also believes the wife is about to be hurt anyway, since her husband must already have decided he wants out.

[phillygirl63]

That's a good analogy newbby. Now if that money was stolen would it be right for the man to stop after awhile and spend some of it, even if it wasn't his?

[newbby]

if the man was not very rich, i could hardly blame him

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by newbby

 

 

the ow is not aware of the pain because from her perspective a man from a broken down marriage is pursuing her, she believes because of his actions that he is no longer willing to participate in the upkeep of his marriage. she also believes the wife is about to be hurt anyway, since her husband must already have decided he wants out.

 

OW then isn't thinking of the whole picture. ANYBODY who enters an affair should know there WILL be pain. She's fooling herself by believing everything the MM tells her. Grown women aren't stupid, it's just I'm sure once in that situation she can't be objective nor allow herself to think anything bad because of all the good feelings that she experiences with the MM. That is what I think anyway. Why would she want to think of the possible negative aspects? By thinking that stuff would only ruin it.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by newbby

 

you see this is the misconception, the ow does not rob the wife, the husband is already pursuing the ow.

a better analogy would be: a bag of money is chasing a man down the road....

 

 

The OW is TOO robbing the wife, the children and their life together as the BS knows it. The OW knowingly is aware of the fact that M is MARRIED, so therefore in a way she should know better than get involved and say NO. You're taken already and I'm worth more than you lusting after me. OW can say no and stop if they really want to. ... Just like MM could say no if they really wanted to. NOONE is holding a gun to their heads and saying CHEAT!

[newbby]

OW then isn't thinking of the whole picture. ANYBODY who enters an affair should know there WILL be pain. She's fooling herself by believing everything the MM tells her. Grown women aren't stupid, it's just I'm sure once in that situation she can't be objective nor allow herself to think anything bad because of all the good feelings that she experiences with the MM. That is what I think anyway. Why would she want to think of the possible negative aspects? By thinking that stuff would only ruin it.

 

 

i didnt say the ow doesnt think there will be pain, but from where she stands the wife is already going to be hurt as the husband is about to leave the marriage anyway.

and yes, she wants to believe in this small window of hope of happiness, fairytales and romance....

[Pocky]

Originally posted by newbby

you see this is the misconception, the ow does not rob the wife, the husband is already pursuing the ow.

a better analogy would be: a bag of money is chasing a man down the road....

 

The bank represents the affair. Not the MM searching for someone to participate in the affair. At the point the OW/OM decides to participate in the affair they are acting of their own free will and engaging in this behavior.

 

Before the man entered the bank he was not committing a crime. He could have considered robbing the bank for years, but as long as he didn't plan it or take action on it he has done nothing wrong. At the point he walks through the bank and pulls out the gun he is an active participant.

 

Just to clarify so you understand how the analogy works:

 

Bank = Affair

Robber = OW/OM

 

When the OM/OW actively and knowingly decides to participate in the affair they are responsible for their own actions. It takes two people to have an affair once it starts. You can't have one with an unwilling participant - I believe at that point it'd be either harassment or rape.

[newbby]

The OW is TOO robbing the wife, the children and their life together as the BS knows it. The OW knowingly is aware of the fact that M is MARRIED, so therefore in a way she should know better than get involved and say NO. You're taken already and I'm worth more than you lusting after me. OW can say no and stop if they really want to. ... Just like MM could say no if they really wanted to. NOONE is holding a gun to their heads and saying CHEAT!

 

i'm not saying the ow is completely innocent, the ow is selfish too. it is just hard to take seriously a marriage when the husband is chasing you sooo persistently, and believe me i did run.

the only time i stopped running was when i woke up having been totally blind drunk and discovered i had already done the deed, that was when i question whether there could be anything more to it.

believe me it was not a lovely time i was having wondering whether some married guy had just used me for a lay. i was depressed anyway and this just did me in at the time.

i guess i chose to believe him when he told me it was something unbelievable that felt so right, that his marriage was already over...blah blah blah

you are right, i didnt want to believe anything else and it is my fault i got hurt by it.

[jj003]

Originally posted by Pocky

You didn't ask him not to lie.

 

You allowed someone that you claimed to have loved to do something that they would eventually regret. You allowed them to continue with their mistake and not only did you stand by and watch, but you helped! You were a willing participant.

 

This may not always be the case..... I do know people who eventually married the OW, or look at prince charles

We do not allow the person we love to do this and that, we let them make their own decisions. Why? because we are not them, how do we know what is best for them? we can only judge based on our point of view, which may not be always correct.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by jj003

This may not always be the case..... I do know people who eventually married the OW, or look at prince charles

 

The ends doesn't justify the means though does it? Regardless of whether or not the marriage survives and grows stronger or the marriage ends and the relationship with the OW/OM survives and grows stronger the fact still remains that having an affair isn't fair or honest. While the end product may be a positive, there will still be regret and negative issues associated with the affair. Do you honestly think that anyone that had an affair will look back and say, "I am so glad I cheated! I'm so glad I had an affair with you. I'm so glad you were my OW/OM and I am so happy how I handled things."

 

I doubt it. While I can look at my marriage now and know that my husband and I are far better off now than before the affair, I don't look back on the affair and think that I'm so happy I did it. It brought about changes in my life, but those changes could have been made without the affair.

 

 

We do not allow the person we love to do this and that, we let them make their own decisions. Why? because we are not them, how do we know what is best for them? we can only judge based on our point of view, which may not be always correct.

 

Regardless of where you're standing in the relationship, you know that having an affair is not the best course of action. Lying, deceiving, mistreating and cheating is not a positive behavior to participate in. I don't care which angle you're looking at it, everyone that participates in an affair knows it's wrong and we do it anyway.

[Mr Spock]

This debate is running in circles. No, affairs are wrong. If you want to sleep with someone else enough to actually CHEAT you need to end the relationship you're in first.

 

 

It is irrelevant whether or not YOU feel more empathy towards one side or the other Pocky. The fact of the matter is it doesn't make emotions and feelings less real or valid.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

It is irrelevant whether or not YOU feel more empathy towards one side or the other Pocky. The fact of the matter is it doesn't make emotions and feelings less real or valid.

 

I never said it made the emotions or feelings less real or valid. My point isn't an attempt to validate the pain the OW/OM is feeling, but to provide a perspective that would lend itself to the behavior discussed in your original post.

 

Maybe I made a mistake in my attempt - should I have been bashing the wives instead for their monopoly on suffering?

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by newbby

i didnt say the ow doesnt think there will be pain, but from where she stands the wife is already going to be hurt as the husband is about to leave the marriage anyway.

and yes, she wants to believe in this small window of hope of happiness, fairytales and romance....

 

My H started his EA b4 I knew he wanted out to the M. When he filed for a D I had a feeling that the OW had something to do w/ it but I didn't know for sure. All I knew at the time is that he wanted out of the M and the thoughts of being a single mom, loosing my best friend, my lover, and my whole life as I knew it gave me so much pain and heartache. BUT when I finally found out that he was having an A it made the situation 100 times worse than if he was just wanting out of the M and wasn't having an A. The W is going to be hurt b/c her H wants out of the M but the A just makes it harder to deal w/. It's hard enough to deal w/ a ending M but to add the OP into the mix, makes it so much harder and painful.

 

As for the mm doing the persuing, not in my H's case. The OW persued him for three years, and H was stupid enough to fall for her lines of BS, the way she paid attention to him, the way she flirted. She got what she wanted but it didn't last long b/c H realized that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I am not going to sit and wonder whether or not if H would of came crawling back to me if the OW was what he really did want, b/c it doesn't matter anymore. He came back to me and our children, where he belongs. It's too bad it took an A and thousands of dollars in lawyer fees to figure that out.

 

 

To the OW...I am sorry for the pain you went or are going through right now. I know what it's like to be the OW (to man in a serious relationship, not a mm). It does hurt, and it does cause a lot of heartache. But as the OW and the BS, I can tell you now, I would rather take the pain of being the OW than the BS any day. I have been through both pain so I know what I am talking about. I understand how hurt you feel, but imagine if you were actually M to the MM you had an A w/ and he cheated on you several years after you had been M and w/ children. I just hope the women and men, who are finding themselves as the OW/OM get out as soon as they fiind out the person they are seeing is M. It would save a lot of heartache in the end.

 

I could never imagine myself falling for a MM. I wouldn't want to put up w/ all the secrets, the lies, the sneaking around. No man is worth that.

[whichwayisup]

It is irrelevant whether or not YOU feel more empathy towards one side or the other Pocky. The fact of the matter is it doesn't make emotions and feelings less real or valid.

 

Then why even bother putting out a question like this Spock? It seems you're irked cuz this thread isn't exactly going how you want it to go. Everybody has their own spin and thoughts on this - Why not just allow Pocky to think and feel how she wants? Why do you have to be in control of it and decide what and how she should act/feel on this subject? I read what she put and there wasn't anything wrong with it. Nothing against you Spock, all I'm saying is you seem to be very bothered by what she said.

[newbby]

there is pain on both sides, there is never any point arguing whose pain is worse, because pain can only ever be subjective.

however i totally appreciate what you are saying, your whole world as you knew it fell apart.

sometimes though, the ow is already going through that kind of pain too and thats what made her fall for a mm's bulls***. sometimes. you just never know, all of these situations are different.

it is never good to look at things in isolation, because you just dont know.

i think that is the problem all round.

[whichwayisup]

I would rather take the pain of being the OW than the BS any day.

 

Ofcourse - Because there is history, a wedding, children, years of feelings and growing together - Building a life.

The OW doesn't have that history, that deep seeded love that has been there for such a long time. OW pain is more in the moment intense pain, more hurt of the NOW and what she is losing rather than her whole life that was built around the MM. BS's lose SO much more...

[newbby]

Ofcourse - Because there is history, a wedding, children, years of feelings and growing together - Building a life.

The OW doesn't have that history, that deep seeded love that has been there for such a long time. OW pain is more in the moment intense pain, more hurt of the NOW and what she is losing rather than her whole life that was built around the MM. BS's lose SO much more...

 

true, you can look at that another way, they also have so much more...

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Ofcourse - Because there is history, a wedding, children, years of feelings and growing together - Building a life.

The OW doesn't have that history, that deep seeded love that has been there for such a long time. OW pain is more in the moment intense pain, more hurt of the NOW and what she is losing rather than her whole life that was built around the MM. BS's lose SO much more...

 

WWIU, I think there is some confusion about this thread. Spock didn't want this thread done by her. It was taken off the Infeditilty side under another thread and the mods put it over here, so Spock didn't make up this thread, what she said was first on the other side.

 

Anyhow, your right. The W does have a lot more history w/ her H. The dating, the engagment, planning the wedding, the wedding, planning a life together, planning children, having children, buying their first home, all those things you mentioned. The W and her H have shared many years of dreams and goals 2gether.

 

I realize the OW goes through the pain of being involved w/ a MM but she chooses to get herself involved w/ a MM. When I feel in love w/ the guy I was seeing I didn't know he had a serious GF. I didn't ask him, he didn't tell me, but when I found out, I continued to see him and didn't really care. I was young and stupid and didn't care if he was w/ someone else as long as I had my time w/ him once in awhile. He wasn't even living w/ this woman until later into our relationship. Did I feel badly for sleeping w/ her BF in their home....a little. But I was drunk and didn't care at the time, stupid, stupid, me. And years later after we broke it off and we were both M he emailed me, then IM'ed me, then he called my home and he started talking about our past, how much fun we had, how much he loved making love to me, how we should meet up in our hometown and get a motel and have some fun. I told him no, and I wasn't comfortable w/ him talking to me like that as I was now M and so was he. Shortly after that he stopped contacting me. My M wasn't the best, and I could of easily told them MM yes, but I chose not to. We all have choices we make in our lives, you can either having an A w/ a MM and get hurt, or you can say no.

[Mr Spock]

Maybe I made a mistake in my attempt - should I have been bashing the wives instead for their monopoly on suffering?

 

 

 

The point I'm making with the comparison is that as the OW/OM you contribute to the behavior. You (the OW/OM), by your acceptance of the situation, encourage the spouse to cheat. You both know it's wrong, yet you do nothing to stop it. You allowed someone that you claimed to have loved to do something that they would eventually regret. You allowed them to continue with their mistake and not only did you stand by and watch, but you helped! You were a willing participant.

 

 

 

love. The image of the self-sacrificing OW/OM that offers up everything they have to the cheating MM/MW doesn't sit well with me. I think it's a distorted image - I don't believe that within the confines of an affair there is a selfless-giving type of love. Everything about the relationship, on both sides, is based on selfishness. The cheating spouse and the OW/OM.

 

 

the fact still remains that having an affair isn't fair or honest

 

 

 

 

 

I just don't know what your point is. Cheating is bad?? Yes, we know. Do you somehow feel then that any OW/OM on this forum who are flamed for their actions are deserving of it, from the collective?

 

(go, borg)

 

 

 

My point isn't an attempt to validate the pain the OW/OM is feeling,

 

Your point seems to be to put it below the needs and feelings of others, however.

[whichwayisup]

Yup I agree with you.

 

Pain is pain and it's all felt the same way at the end of the day. All very sad.

[Mr Spock]

Then why even bother putting out a question like this Spock? It seems you're irked cuz this thread isn't exactly going how you want it to go. Everybody has their own spin and thoughts on this - Why not just allow Pocky to think and feel how she wants? Why do you have to be in control of it and decide what and how she should act/feel on this subject? I read what she put and there wasn't anything wrong with it. Nothing against you Spock, all I'm saying is you seem to be very bothered by what she said.

 

 

For the second time, I didn't put out a "question" I replied to someone else's post and it was moved. Why do you have to be so obtuse about that?

 

It's flattering that you think I have the power to control how people think, but this is not the case. Opinions are like assh*les, every one has one-are you saying now that I shouldn't express mine because it differs from Pocky's then?? I fail to see how you gather the thread isn't going "the way I want it to" since I never intended to start it in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

For the second time, I didn't put out a "question" I replied to someone else's post and it was moved. Why do you have to be so obtuse about that?

 

I didn't know that, now I do. Sorry.

 

Opinions are like assh*les, every one has one-are you saying now that I shouldn't express mine because it differs from Pocky's then?? I fail to see how you gather the thread isn't going "the way I want it to" since I never intended to start it in the first place.

 

No I'm not saying that.

 

Because you said this thread is going in circles, and I didn't see it that way, that's all. No harm intended.

[Mr Spock]

I do apologise for the confusion as well...it was only today that the note was added (and thank you for that)

 

I get what you mean now. When I said it was going in circles I mean like arguing apples and oranges.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I just don't know what your point is. Cheating is bad??

 

 

I believe I've already made my point clear in previous posts. Instead of picking the posts apart and only quoting something that doesn't directly apply to your question, but applies to different parts of the topic, you might have provided yourself with a better answer.

 

The pain and suffering may be of the same degree, but the element of awareness changes things. Is it not natural to empathize more with those that were harmed by no fault of their own than those that intentionally and knowingly participated in their own suffering?

 

I'll clarify what I'm saying so there isn't any further misunderstanding.

 

When faced with the option of providing compassion and understanding, one is more likely to extend those emotions to someone they don't see as responsible for their own suffering. When confronted with the comparison: one that knowingly participated and implemented decisions that caused their own suffering to one that was unknowingly placed in a position of suffering, people are more likely to extend compassion to the person that was innocently affected.

 

Shall I say it one more time in a different way?

 

When discussing the original topic: The suffering of the OW/OM, the possible reason for this is as I've stated above. The OM/OW isn't seen as the victim and isn't seen as the unknowing spouse that suddenly finds him/her amidst lies, infidelity and broken marriages. While the pain and suffering of the OW/OM can be just as real and just as emotionally damaging as that of the spouse, the realization that one was a participant in that suffering tends to cause people to find difficulty in extending compassion and understanding.

 

Unfortunately, Spock, as much as you'd like to get some validation of your suffering as the OW I'm not sure you're going to get much of it in this forum or even in society. You're not seen as a victim and your suffering is often seen as punishment for your actions. People don't want to feel sorry for you or try to understand your suffering. You did something that's considered to be one of the great offenses to humanity. You may as well have committed murder because in the realm of social morality they're not too far from each other.

 

I'm not supporting the behavior, just giving my explanation for why it happens and why it's deemed acceptable.

 

And as an additional note - this behavior is not just extended to the OW/OM it's also extended to the cheating spouse. So while you may want to continue to debate with me and pick apart my posts as though I'm saying something against the OW/OM, keep in mind that if the sides were separated I'd be on the same side as you. While the OM/OW is persecuted more so than the cheating spouse, we are also persecuted. You aren't the only villain in this scenario.

[phillygirl63]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Ofcourse - Because there is history, a wedding, children, years of feelings and growing together - Building a life.

The OW doesn't have that history, that deep seeded love that has been there for such a long time. OW pain is more in the moment intense pain, more hurt of the NOW and what she is losing rather than her whole life that was built around the MM. BS's lose SO much more...

 

Whichway you are dead on with this post.