Introducing myself [dating challenges]

[40daysforthen253]

Just did my first date, late in life (24). The product of a whole long thread : )

 

Question: I'm trying to come up with a formal challenge. Goal is not a relationship, but to get comfortable dating (I was extremely nervous).

 

Some options:

(A) A date every Saturday (would probably use Tinder, and go with different girls).

(B) A week where I do the same date 7 days with 7 different girls

© ???

Any ideas, as specific as possible (specifying type of venue etc.) would be helpful. It would be ideal if it forces me to get comfortable in different settings, at different times of day. Curious if anyone's done something like this.

 

This community has been invaluable. Thank you.

[road]

Just keep dating. Do and go where every you want. How can you go wrong being yourself doing things that you like.

 

 

After all you want a relationship with a person that wants to do the same things that you do.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Just did my first date, late in life (24). The product of a whole long thread : )

 

Question: I'm trying to come up with a formal challenge. Goal is not a relationship, but to get comfortable dating (I was extremely nervous).

 

Some options:

(A) A date every Saturday (would probably use Tinder, and go with different girls).

(B) A week where I do the same date 7 days with 7 different girls

© ???

Any ideas, as specific as possible (specifying type of venue etc.) would be helpful. It would be ideal if it forces me to get comfortable in different settings, at different times of day. Curious if anyone's done something like this.

 

This community has been invaluable. Thank you.

 

If you can get 7 dates in 7 days with 7 different women, then come back and give us advice...

[40daysforthen253]

A full bio of myself is below. It's a lot I know. To anyone who reads it, thank you.

 

BIO:

I'm 24. At 20, I discovered the pua community. At 21, I did my first approach. Consumed tons of theory. At 23, I did my second approach. That was the drill. Consuming theory without applying it. I've spent thousands of hours watching videos and reading books (attraction, anxiety, meditation etc.), and made countless trips with support groups to bars, parties etc. to get comfortable talking to women (though I was always too afraid to approach). I read books, and went to pua conventions. My friends are largely from the pua community. But again, I did very, very few approaches.

 

I've come to regard all that cold approach (or rather trying to work up the courage to cold approach) as an avoidance mechanism. I could feel like a maverick while never once asking out a girl or going on a date. A couple weeks ago, with the help of this site, I did my first date ever.

 

Girls have told me I'm good-looking. I'm insecure, particularly about my extra 10 lbs and my hair that's starting to thin. During college, simply telling a girl what school i went to would often make her invite me to her dorm. This freaked me out, and I always backed away immediately. Even a girl holding my hand was enough to make me panic and yank it away. I was that sure I'd blow it.

 

I grew up with the idea that sex is wrong, I shouldn't seek it, and girls would be disgusted to know I do. No one has been able to break this. It's intuition.

 

My self-esteem is terrible. Top insecurities are that I have low self-esteem, I'm mentally weak, ugly, and my lifestyle is boring. I feel like I'm not entertaining enough to satisfy any girl. Simple facts of being a human make me feel like a loser. Examples: (A) that I have to work to support myself (B)I feel girls would be disgusted to know I'm attracted to them

 

I have enormous anxiety. People say my face is always scrunched up from it and I look uncomfortable in my own skin. I have problems with eye contact (I'm OCD about it) and make weird faces when looking at someone's eyes. I worry about creeping people out. I've started meditation, improved at it, and gone on retreat. I enjoy it, but any calm it produces is short-lived and instantly destroyed by any test. E.g. I meditated and got really calm before my first date, but I was a nervous wreck once it started. I previously suffered severe hypochondria. In retrospect, it's incredible to me I endured some of those episodes and the accompanying ER visits without seeking a shrink (which I still haven't done). Though fortunately, I slipped out of it (I think meditation helped) and it's been a couple years since an episode of hypochondria.

 

I am currently in-between jobs, working on a short-term project. I expect to be elsewhere very soon. So I can't really build a social circle, or commit to anything (gym, class etc.)

 

My short-term project is in a suburb. Even if I were motivated enough to do cold-approach pickup, it can't in a suburb like this. It's cold outside. Dating options seem limited; BTW, I don't drink, which probably limits them more. And I can't dance at a club. I've sought lessons, but never been able to learn.

 

There are people close to me who have anxiety/anger/depression. I'm starting to realize that I blame myself for their pain and let it lower my self-esteem. I've noticed in our discussions that they are the ones whose voices raise, not me. Yet I don't know how to endure their aggressive, pained tones, without letting it get me down and making me feel I'm worth less. As I write this, I worry I have a victim mentality, and feel it would be ungrateful to identify fault in these people I know who have benefitted me.

 

I'm just starting to recognize as meriting professional help (A) this fear of opening to women, (B) my anxiety, and © my low self-esteem. Though I suspect many psychologists are ineffective. I think my lack of a romantic relationship, as well as inability to be social generally is driving the other problems I have (anxiety, hypochondria etc.).

 

Things I've noticed hold me back

• I went to a very selective college. I was always around smart people so I felt dumb. Whenever I went home for a break, I realized my perspective was warped. Another example, at college, I was around young/fit people so I felt unfit. Again, when I left college, I realized that was crazy. I blame a lot of my mental issues on lacking perspective.
  
• Not understanding time. This week, I was amazed to realize that this PUA thing has been going on for...years! I think I've suffered from simply not keeping track of time and thus letting life pass me by.
  
• I've had wings and friends/supporters. I count on them too much. Ultimately, I'm at this on my own.
  

 

Positives about myself

• I've done extremely well academically
  
• I have awesome friends I respect enormously, though they're scattered throughout the country
  
• I am deeply curious and interested in everything. I read at least a couple books a week
  
• I'm into self-improvement. I exercise, go to self-development seminars etc.
  

 

QUESTIONS:

1.

What support group do I join?

 

2.

What therapist do I get?

• Robert Glover's book is what inspired me to seek a personal psychologist. Any advice for getting one covered by my insurance? One who understands "Nice Guy Syndrome"? Are they typically covered by insurance? Would Glover be covered?
  

 

3.

Any way to force myself to act regularly? I've asked people close to me to hold me accountable. I have plenty of people cheering me on to jump into the pool, but they don't do what I need them to--throw me in.

 

Thank you.

Edited February 27, 2016 by 40daysforthen253

[joseb]

Well, it sure doesn't sound like PUA has helped you at all.

 

Well done on having a date.

however, don't think that a relationship is just going to be a magic silver bullet. it isn't.

 

I'd start with some questions:

 

why do / did you think sex is "wrong"

do you still think this? even though you know its bullsheet?

 

your "extra 10 lbs" isn't some kind of curse that cant be lifted. why don't you start by dropping that as it bothers you?

 

practise making proper eye contact with a friend. or the mirror. until it becomes more natural. stop yourself making weird faces when you notice it.

 

you say your lifestyle is boring. well then make it less so!

[40daysforthen253]

why do / did you think sex is "wrong"

 

 

your "extra 10 lbs" isn't some kind of curse that cant be lifted.

 

I know. I'm always dieting. I yo-yo

 

practise making proper eye contact with a friend. or the mirror. until it becomes more natural.

I like the idea.

 

you say your lifestyle is boring. well then make it less so!

 

I'm always trying with little success. Sometimes I go out and do something and think, "I need to get out more." That's why I'm always seeking a coach to find stuff and force me to do it all.

 

My location makes it tough. For instance, I just started tango lessons. I think it's one of the smartest things i've done. It's made me a little more comfortable interacting with women. Though in my current suburb, they're are not affordable practice groups.

 

do you still think this? even though you know its bullsheet?

Today I had the thought that I've never in my life confessed a crush to anyone (including the girl). "confessed". so yeah, i'm still ashamed even after years of reading "sex is ok" books

 

Sex is clickey; it is a 2-person thing. I think clicks are bad. So relationships and marriages disturb me.

 

I think women are physically less strong and feel threatened by men, never knowing if they'll do something crazy. So I always feel they're frightened, and this makes me want to keep a distance so they're comfortable. when i talk to girls, i fear i'll get in trouble by an authority figure.

 

i think girls see me as a low-value guy that it would be unwise for them to fall for. I also believe my nerves affect the girl. My first time doing a cold-approach, I was nervous and literally cried. The girl cried. So the way I see it, progress for me must entail discomforting others.

 

Sex is concealed. It's done in private. It is not introduced as a concept to people below a certain age. So it must be wrong.

 

When I was a kid, people teased me if they thought I liked a girl. Boys chased girls on the playground. In a fun, gamey way, boys/girls were "enemies." If a boy sat at the girls table at lunch, he'd be mocked. So I deeply ingrained that it is not ok to interact with girls.

 

I know someone who is very alpha and gets many girls. He's a bossy person. He says to women, "we're going to the restaurant" rather than asking "do you want to go to the restaurant?" This guy can't help it. It's instinctive. He might say very explicitly, "get over here and kiss me and tell me how much you love me." It works. Girls even seem to like it. But I find it disgusting. Why, if girls seem to like it? It just seems wrong. By the way, this guy bosses me around too and that drives me crazy, so that might influence my perception. Edit: I thought about this a lot. This guy's girfriend clearly likes being led (having decisions made for her). Does that make it ok? Also, I noticed she never asks to be led. When a decision must be made, she'll hang around him until he makes it but she'll never say "make the decision for me." So she's ashamed of that quality of wanting to be led. For that reason, I feel I should not reinforce it.

 

I know there are many contexts where sexual interest is forbidden. e.g. it is a crime to express it at work. While that specifically is not an issue for me, i understand that sex is a subject that makes people uncomfortable.

 

When I approach a women, she can choose to dismiss me but she can't choose to have never been approached.

 

Lastly, in interactions with girls, I simply don't spark sexual tension. They don't smile etc.

 

So I'm not saying those are good reasons, but that's how I justify my shame.

Edited February 27, 2016 by 40daysforthen253

[40daysforthen253]

Planning a date (my 2nd ever). To practice dating mostly. Will be through tinder. There's a park I've been meaning to check out and i'm eager to explore the neighborhood. I'm thinking Monday evening around 6:30. It will be 55 degrees. Is that weird to walk around a park when it's dark? Is that time ok? There's a gelato place nearby. And some restaurants. There's also a bar nearby. Though I don't want to drink (have to drive and would be afraid to do it on even a sip). Would getting dinner make it better? Should I wear a t-shirt (I feel I was overdressed to my last date)? Any challenges you can give me that I must do to make it fun and non-platonic?

 

The more someone can sketch out for me how this would go, I'd appreciate it.

 

Thank you

Edited February 28, 2016 by 40daysforthen253

[scorpiogirl]

It sounds like a nice idea. It might be a bit odd if the park is not well-lit though. If it were my first time meeting someone, I'd be wary of a dark park.

 

But like I said, if it's brightly lit, then good

 

Wear something comfortable but not scruffy. Nice jeans or chinos, maybe not a t shirt but a casual shirt.

It doesn't have to be very long if it's your first time meeting. It will be fine to take a walk around with a drink or the gelato if she'd like some.

 

If you get along on your walk, and she seems like the feeling is mutual, you could suggest sitting down for a coffee or light dinner. No need to drink alcohol. I don't drink but will have something non-alcoholic if the other person wants to go to a bar. Not a big deal.

 

Planning is ok, but also be a bit flexible depending on how the evening goes.

[loveweary11]

Other than the darkness, this is the perfect date.

 

Dinners in fancy restaurants, other things trying to impress the date are not good.

 

A walk and talk in a nice setting is the best, with the second choice being a very, very hip/trendy bar or casual restaurant.

[kztar]

I used to do this and it was fun. Literally 6 days a week I would go on dates with different guys. I was free loading off free food, drinks and good company on daily basis for months. They never led to anything but it was fun for about 6 Months and then I took a chill pill. Actually GOD gave me a chill pill because I got into an accident and I was forced to quit this fun life. LOL.

[road]

I used to do this and it was fun. Literally 6 days a week I would go on dates with different guys. I was free loading off free food, drinks and good company on daily basis for months. They never led to anything but it was fun for about 6 Months and then I took a chill pill. Actually GOD gave me a chill pill because I got into an accident and I was forced to quit this fun life. LOL.

 

 

I am old school an always paid for the dates back in the day. It is how a the man shows his appreciation for the woman to spend her time with him.

 

 

I would not be mad after paying for a date if I did get any "action" and or did not get a 2nd date. I had a fair shot to convince her I was the one for her.

 

 

Now if I had found out that a woman used me to just get a free dinner would have made me mad.

 

 

One thing for a woman to be not sure how she felt about me and willing to give me a date to change her mind.

 

 

Total fraud to use man the way you did back then just to get a free meal knowing you would never date him.

 

 

Sad.

[Toodaloo]

1. Read. Make sure you have plenty of interesting topics to talk about and ask their opinions on.

 

2. Make sure you listen and do not cut across what they say.

 

3. Talk to everyone and anyone. Old ladies, children, other blokes and women. Just aim at the goal of saying hello to a stranger a day.

 

4. Aim to make female friends. Not lovers, platonic friends.

 

5. Aim to engage in activities you enjoy that get you out and physically meeting people. X Box on line does not count...

 

Then once you have mastered the above look for women you actually might match with on OLD, talk to them and ask them out. Carry on talking to women when doing your shopping etc and if you get a good friendly vibe ask them out.

 

Fact is you will be turned down. Some will be kind, some will be blunt, some will be plain nasty. Do not take it to heart because some will also say yes! And many of those who do say no will have good reason (married, got a boyfriend already) but you have just made their day.

[road]

I would not be mad after paying for a date if I did NOT get any "action" and or did not get a 2nd date. I had a fair shot to convince her I was the one for her.

 

 

 

 

To late to edit but leaving out the word NOT was a big-ama mistake-a

[Toodaloo]

To late to edit but leaving out the word NOT was a big-ama mistake-a

 

Ha worse is reading it with the omitted word despite it not being there!

[road]

Ha worse is reading it with the omitted word despite it not being there!

 

 

So I was not the only one?

 

 

Great minds think a like.

[scorpiogirl]

I used to do this and it was fun. Literally 6 days a week I would go on dates with different guys. I was free loading off free food, drinks and good company on daily basis for months. They never led to anything but it was fun for about 6 Months and then I took a chill pill. Actually GOD gave me a chill pill because I got into an accident and I was forced to quit this fun life. LOL.

 

Awful. I wouldn't boast about that if I were you.

[ZA Dater]

1. Read. Make sure you have plenty of interesting topics to talk about and ask their opinions on.

 

2. Make sure you listen and do not cut across what they say.

 

3. Talk to everyone and anyone. Old ladies, children, other blokes and women. Just aim at the goal of saying hello to a stranger a day.

 

4. Aim to make female friends. Not lovers, platonic friends.

 

5. Aim to engage in activities you enjoy that get you out and physically meeting people. X Box on line does not count...

 

Then once you have mastered the above look for women you actually might match with on OLD, talk to them and ask them out. Carry on talking to women when doing your shopping etc and if you get a good friendly vibe ask them out.

 

Fact is you will be turned down. Some will be kind, some will be blunt, some will be plain nasty. Do not take it to heart because some will also say yes! And many of those who do say no will have good reason (married, got a boyfriend already) but you have just made their day.

 

OP, I would read the above advice a few times, with the exception of trying OLD its some of the best advice you will get, especially as based on your post it appears you are quite outgoing and comfortable around people.