'A letter to the Betrayed Wife'

[minimariah]

I really hate how it's implied that someone can be "stolen", as if mm can't decide for himself what he wants

 

agreed! ^

 

also, that LAST sentence in the article... suuuuper cringeworthy.

 

"i have my man but i'll never possess your morals or dignity!"

 

i mean...

 

what?

 

It might be dead to one person in the marriage, but not to the other person in the same marriage. That's one thing I've learned here on LS. I'm always amazed how different each person's individual viewpoint can be, looking at the exact same marriage (their own)! The W might be happy as a clam in it, while the H is desperately unhappy. And vice versa.

 

^ THIS.

 

i ALWAYS found it so fascinating! two people in the same marriage for years & i had one spouse tell me that they are already planning the divorce while the other one can't believe their luck at having such a perfect marriage.

 

it blows my mind.

Edited February 28, 2016 by minimariah

[waterwoman]

It's not real. It's a bit of pretty fluff. The clean sheets are a clusmsy literary device to suggest a fresh start. Some hack wrote this while her colleagues clustered around her (his?) desk making suggestions and laughing.

[sandylee1]

The tracks in the snow really are so descriptive..that I believe it's embellished... The basic story could be true...but some added drama to make good reading.

 

The timeline is unlikely to be divorced today and the ex shows up tomorrow .... and if she got all those things in the divorce why bother contesting it anyway.

 

Many a times a BW also wants a fresh start away from the home with hurtful memories of where she lived.... a BW may also want to move closer to family for support after a divorce.

 

The WS is unlikely to be bothered by that.. and men are less emotional anyway.

 

Sometimes the base story is true.. but to get your 25 quid.... people exaggerate the detail. While I would agree affairs are immoral.... as in the last paragraph.....there must be only a handful of APs that would accept they are immoral by being in an affair ..... they rather profess what a good person they are.

 

I do know someone who 'got the MM'. It would be interesting to know if she had any such thoughts about the wife.

Although given how happy she is with the guy ........ I doubt it.

Now this girl is quite a temptress and this wasn't the first MM she'd been with either.

 

When I said her perception... I meant the sheets were probably not freshly put on...and if they were not by the BW. ...but I have known some OW to move in during the seperation.. and this is what the BW has said..... there have sometimes been times where the BW and OW see each other....... and I've had the BW report how she was dying inside....but held it in till she got in her car.

 

Again... it's easier not to think you were part of inflicting such pain on anyone else. Easier not to think while the BW was in turmoil it had a knock on effect on the kids... it's human nature to do this. I know the girl I mentioned has said..it couldn't have been a great marriage or he would not have left.. but he wasn't going anywhere till she came along. We all worked together and not one of his friends heard anything about him being unhappy.... infact it was the opposite.

 

Every situation is different although similar in many ways ......

[ZHguy]

Oh so every MM cheats with his OW because BS is always a irrational cold b****? The marriage is always dead, oh and, MM 'worked his socks off' to repair his M? BS always brushed aside any of MM's attempts to save the relationship, and OW comes like superwoman and saves MM out of his abyss?

 

Please, give me a break. I have come across many relationships (and from experience) where the marriage was stable until some spouse thought that he would make a better team with another person. I do wish we lived in a time where if something was broken, we would fix it instead of buying another one. You wanna leave? Leave. But when you make OW your W after not doing anything about M, don't tell the whole world that you left because BS was a cold-hearted reckless monster who 'stole' all the income. I'm right now referring to an example where there was this marriage, and in that marriage there was a communication problem: you had a BS who worked to save the marriage, but the MM who did nothing until he found his OW.

 

But of course that was only one example, and don't be offended if yours is any different, because I know that in many cases affairs begin during separation or when the man/woman is at their breaking point. I know that we also have to believe the man if he says he did 'work his socks off' in his relationship (something I implied was not the case earlier on), because it would be sexist to assume that men just give up when things go down. It's just that I happen to know the wrong men, which is why my viewpoint sheds more light on BS's side of the story.

Edited February 28, 2016 by ZHguy

[RRM321]

So, the MM is the helpless victim and the OW is the cunning predator?

 

That's BS.

 

No one is a victim and no one is a predator. They are both just dumb people doing dumb things.

 

Dumb would be thinking that there are no such things as selfishness, aggression, abuse, or personality disorders; and that even if there were that people would never adapt such things to their personal advantage.

 

The world can be a dangerous place Red Riding Hood, heed grandma's advice.

[goodyblue]

Oh so every MM cheats with his OW because BS is always a irrational cold b****? The marriage is always dead, oh and, MM 'worked his socks off' to repair his M? BS always brushed aside any of MM's attempts to save the relationship, and OW comes like superwoman and saves MM out of his abyss?

 

Please, give me a break. I have come across many relationships (and from experience) where the marriage was stable until some spouse thought that he would make a better team with another person. I do wish we lived in a time where if something was broken, we would fix it instead of buying another one. You wanna leave? Leave. But when you make OW your W after not doing anything about M, don't tell the whole world that you left because BS was a cold-hearted reckless monster who 'stole' all the income. I'm right now referring to an example where there was this marriage, and in that marriage there was a communication problem: you had a BS who worked to save the marriage, but the MM who did nothing until he found his OW.

 

But of course that was only one example, and don't be offended if yours is any different, because I know that in many cases affairs begin during separation or when the man/woman is at their breaking point. I know that we also have to believe the man if he says he did 'work his socks off' in his relationship (something I implied was not the case earlier on), because it would be sexist to assume that men just give up when things go down. It's just that I happen to know the wrong men, which is why my viewpoint sheds more light on BS's side of the story.

 

Of course this isn't always what happens. But to be fair, that is exactly what happened to me.

 

However, when there was a confrontation (the only one ever) his ex screamed at me through the bathroom door as I had ushered my four youngest children inside to protect them from her rant. I turned on both the sink and shower and we sang songs til she left. And this was six months after he had moved out and papers were filed. There was no staring her down or her shooting daggers with dignity. It was a terrible situation.

 

I didn't begin to feel bad about the things she went through until later. I do feel bad about the way things happened and that she was hurt in the mess. But I also feel that we did the best we could to clean up the mess and never humiliate her, never going places she went, never confronting.

 

And whether anyone likes it or not, while I regret how things happened, I am still glad we are where we are in our lives now. She was perfectly happy in a sexless, loveless marriage and he wasn't. He tried, she told him over and over that the sex ran out after the kids were born, that this was life. When he said he was unhappy she said he would never leave because he was a deacon in the church and would never sacrifice that.

 

So... sometimes it is exactly what you described.

[Popsicle]

Speaking as someone who's been married before, but had no infidelity involved, yes, sometimes one person is done with the marriage, but the other is perfectly happy with it. It happened to me. I would guess that this happens quite often, actually.

[ZHguy]

Goodyblue, I can't believe you had to put up with that wreck, and especially with your children. And of course, the story is true for many.

 

But for those who haven't firsthand seen what you have, there can be a lot of duplicity.

 

How many of you believe every word your MM says? Here is an extract from another thread of a BS .

He never stopped having sex with me. He never stopped being a husband with me. We laughed and danced and sang to 90s tunes in our car. He painted a different picture that we were strangers raising our kid together. He talked of divorcing me and slept in another room. LIES. He never even talked to me about divorce. We went to marriage counseling when the affair was revealed and he adamantly declared the affair was over, it was a mistake. He loved me and wanted to work it out. That's not the story he told you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/410951-i-betrayed-wife

 

If he can do it with you, he can do it to you. For a large part, if the man is married/separated, or even in a 'failed marriage', just clear away, not just because he's probably lying about something, but because of the possible damage that can be caused.

[puzzleddad67]

Dead marriages, BS's fault... Justifications. Ugh.

 

If you are going to have relations with another besides your spouse, please have the guts to at least file the divorce FIRST rather than inflicting emotions you have no idea how terrible they are.

 

The letter reads false. It may be real. Just does not pass the sniff test.

[Lady2163]

Goodyblue, I can't believe you had to put up with that wreck, and especially with your children. And of course, the story is true for many.

 

But for those who haven't firsthand seen what you have, there can be a lot of duplicity.

 

How many of you believe every word your MM says? Here is an extract from another thread of a BS .

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/410951-i-betrayed-wife

 

If he can do it with you, he can do it to you. For a large part, if the man is married/separated, or even in a 'failed marriage', just clear away, not just because he's probably lying about something, but because of the possible damage that can be caused.

 

Absolutely, there are a lot of MM and MW who are slime to their spouses and their Others. Many times you see the heartbreak of the other on here.

 

The post you linked to on here was probably from a letter/email that was never sent. In my opinion only, there are only two reasons why a BS contacts the Other. 1. To get information to stop the gas lighting or confirm details or 2. To hurt the OW with words. I believe this happens more when the marriage is staying together. In that instance, you can make the WS suffer, but since you've agreed to stay, there's only so much hurt you can do and spend the rest of your lives together. The OW becomes the target for a lot of rage.

 

Now, there may be an option 3 and that is the betrayed partner, genuinely wants and believes the OW should know some things. "You've hurt me, you've destroyed my family, but before you ride off into the sunset with my soon to be ex husband and raise your love child together, he was having more than one affair. Here's the proof"

 

I don't know that I've seen a lot of Option 3 on here. More often than not, they want to talk about all the things that were going right in their marriage. "We just bought a new car or vacation property together. We were having sex 2-3 times a week. He whisked me away for a romantic weekend two days before I found out abut you."

 

I realize I've been gender specific, but it can go either way.

[ZHguy]

I don't know that I've seen a lot of Option 3 on here. More often than not, they want to talk about all the things that were going right in their marriage. "We just bought a new car or vacation property together. We were having sex 2-3 times a week. He whisked me away for a romantic weekend two days before I found out about you

I realize I've been gender specific, but it can go either way.

 

Oh believe me, it is a very common case, sometimes the man does not want confrontation, and a less common but more unfortunate case is where the man just wants all. The former of which is very true only in relationships, I'll admit, confrontation in relationships seems very daunting, especially because the women are so intimidating. You women seem to have the lines of the arguement on the tip of your tongue, that rage, and seem to know what you want.

 

And we're all guilty of gender specificity here.

Edited February 29, 2016 by ZHguy

[sandylee1]

I showed this letter to an OW I know who got her man... and she said she'd have never written such a thing out of shame.. even anonymously.

 

She knows she did wrong and she sees no point in writing any of that down. She insists that even though she pursued him and flirted no end... if he was really happy nothing would have happened... and what really got me fuming (inside of course) was her saying when she tried it with [name of another] , he wasn't having any of it. So it seems she just kept going after MM at work. Urrrgghh

 

She's totally shameless... no conscience whatsoever.

[cocorico]

 

 

She knows she did wrong

 

<snip>

 

She's totally shameless... no conscience whatsoever.

 

Non sequitur. She knows she did wrong, but has no conscience? Where does she live, Through the Looking Glass?

[cocorico]

Absolutely, there are a lot of MM and MW who are slime to their spouses and their Others. Many times you see the heartbreak of the other on here.

 

The post you linked to on here was probably from a letter/email that was never sent. In my opinion only, there are only two reasons why a BS contacts the Other. 1. To get information to stop the gas lighting or confirm details or 2. To hurt the OW with words. I believe this happens more when the marriage is staying together. In that instance, you can make the WS suffer, but since you've agreed to stay, there's only so much hurt you can do and spend the rest of your lives together. The OW becomes the target for a lot of rage.

 

Now, there may be an option 3 and that is the betrayed partner, genuinely wants and believes the OW should know some things. "You've hurt me, you've destroyed my family, but before you ride off into the sunset with my soon to be ex husband and raise your love child together, he was having more than one affair. Here's the proof"

 

I don't know that I've seen a lot of Option 3 on here. More often than not, they want to talk about all the things that were going right in their marriage. "We just bought a new car or vacation property together. We were having sex 2-3 times a week. He whisked me away for a romantic weekend two days before I found out abut you."

 

I realize I've been gender specific, but it can go either way.

 

I think what you describe as "Option 3" is usually just "Option 2" in another guise - it's the BW who can't rub the OW's face in having lost, so she takes the "sour grapes" route: "you think you won, but you won a pile of cow droppings". Yet, only recently she was fighting to the death over that same "pile of cow droppings", and it's only because she lost that she's slagging him off. If she won, she'd be doing the "Option 2" number of rubbing the OW's face in having lost.

 

IOW, the only difference between "option 2" and "option 3" IMO is the BW has lost. Beyond that, same impulse - have a go at the woman you see as a rival because it's easier to deflect your anger and hurt onto someone you don't know, than to admit that the person you loved freely chose to hurt you like that.

[seren]

It's getting more like stereotype 101. Every situation is different, we could all put our own slant and opinion on things, and all experience the same situation and yet experience it differently.

It's clearly fiction, badly written fiction at that.

[sandylee1]

Non sequitur. She knows she did wrong, but has no conscience? Where does she live, Through the Looking Glass?

 

To clarify.....yes.... she knows she did the wrong thing, but she doesn't feel bad about it. She has no guilt or shame for her part in breaking up the marriage /family... by intentionally pursuing a MM.

 

Just knowing you've done wrong doesn't translate to you having a conscience.

 

It's more like "yeah I was sleeping with a MM and so what". Then the usual justification follows....he couldn't have been happy and the rest of it.