Seperated Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 i have been seperated for about14 months from my wife. She has always been the love of my life. It was difficult blending families, and i take the majority of the blame for our problems. I've gone to counceling, and changed a lot of myself in positive ways. I am ready to fix things. If she will have me. About two months ago after my wife and I both agreed to divorce we both dated. I got a little serious with someone for about 3-4 weeks. We were intimate. When I saw my wife at a wake, all the feelings came back. I told this girl I was seeing That I needed to fix my marriage and it was not fair to either of us. Completely honest. I then poured my heart out to my wife and was also honest about that relationship. She is a little devastated, I feel like if I lied about sex this would be so much easier to work out. Did I do the right thing???? I wanted to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Your marriage is broken and the only way to fix it is by being honest. How do you think she would take getting back together and then finding out you'd been with someone else? By being upfront, there's no deception involved. She knows and if you get back together, then that's something she'll have to accept and live with bc you didn't lie by omission. You did the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jesslindy Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Yes you did the right thing. But your words mean nothing to her, it's your actions that will win her back. Put your changes into daily actions. Take it slow, keep working. It's very easy to find complacency when starting back up. Don't stop being honest. Ever. It isn't the truth that hurts, it's letting go of the lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Eaglescout88 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Hello, I read your post and I am really sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. Having been married for nine years, I know how strong the bond of marriage is and how completely necessary and critical my wife is to my life. I don't know the complete reasons for your separation, though you hint at it in your post. The bottom line is that you want to work it out with your wife and I want to applaud you for that. So many would just start over with a "clean slate" through divorce. I want to encourage you for doing this. This seems like it may be a bit of a difficult road and definitely not "easy to work out". First, you are already working up-hill based on the mutual divorce decision. Next, the EA/PA may just be too much for your wife to forgive right now. Finally, and this is something that I cannot determine from your post, but your wife's faith will determine the whether or not she will be able to forgive you and accept you back. When someone fully understands that we are all sinners and need a savior, then they are more apt to forgive others (esp. spouses). I wish you the best and will be praying for you. Kind regards, Kevin Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 Thank you. Being upfront about what happened seemed to be the only right way to start fresh. I will just hope that she sees that and will be able to forgive and put it all past us. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 What's to forgive? You were separated and divorcing, and had both agreed to date others. She might need to move past this, but "forgive" seems a little strong. You didn't do anything wrong, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 I think because I didn't try to work things out earlier when I accept a lot of the blame is why I feel that way. I feel Like I wouldn't have gotten to the point of seeing other people if I had tried to fix our marriage earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Ok so I am checking back in after being completely honest about my relationship while seperated, she is very cold and hesitant. She says I really hurt her which I get. I told her that it only made me realize how much I loved her. But, she also admitted to dating yesterday. Actually I knew she dated, but now she told me it's different , all she did was kiss... I told her I regret everything about seeing someone else. As far as I know she isn't seeing this person anymore, but kissing is still an intimate thing. It is different than sleeping with someone obviously , but we both saw other people intimately outside our marriage. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 If I were you, I'd tell her to get off her high horse. Tell her you both saw other people during your separation and neither of you were wrong for doing so because it's what you both agreed. For her to hold it against you, when she's doing exactly the same, is hypocritical. Now she either wants to fix things, or she doesn't. This half hearted wanting to fix things but have you beg for forgiveness and accept all the blame is not right. Tell her that she needs to draw a line under this if you want to fix things. If she can't do that then the reconciliation will not work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 20, 2016 Author Share Posted March 20, 2016 I am at the point now where I wish I did lie about being intimate with someone else... A month later and she doesn't want to talk to me. Told me that is what's keeping her away even though she dated too... And was the first one to date... If I lied she would probably be back in my arms right now... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Another perspective is, if this reconciliation attempt respected both of you, your agreed upon activities while separated would be just that, agreed upon and not involving each other and irrelevant to reconciliation. Apparently, to you, reconciliation is more important than her having dated and been intimate with other men. That's valid. She's not on the same page. Regardless of reasonableness or adherence to agreements or fairness, your intimacy with other women is her current reason and she's sticking to it. It's a miss, for now anyway. Reading your OP, you've been separated over a year. That's a long time. Life is short. I'd file and be done with it. If reading this forum is any indicator, men are at a distinct disadvantage if/when attempting to date serious prospects while separated. You may miss out on a future healthy life partner by dragging this out. Timing is always a factor in relationships. Otherwise, if it doesn't matter, stay separated, date around and whatever happens, happens. Right now it isn't reconciliation so go with that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 I am at the point now where I wish I did lie about being intimate with someone else... A month later and she doesn't want to talk to me. Told me that is what's keeping her away even though she dated too... And was the first one to date... If I lied she would probably be back in my arms right now... Not necessarily, she left you, due to a lot of issues in the marriage some of it caused no doubt by your undiagnosed depression. She stayed away too for a long time, and she dated, so I wouldn't beat yourself up to much about how you slept with someone else. The fact you have now got yourself well, doesn't actually cancel out the reasons she had for leaving. People tend to have long memories especially regarding bad relationships, she perhaps just doesn't want to revisit that particular "hell". Sorry! As "the dumper" here, she holds most of the cards, she will only come back if she wants to and you have to consider that maybe she just doesn't. Of course the separation "fling" doesn't help, but it may not be the only reason for her staying away now. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 I am at the point now where I wish I did lie about being intimate with someone else... A month later and she doesn't want to talk to me. Told me that is what's keeping her away even though she dated too... And was the first one to date... If I lied she would probably be back in my arms right now... Please don't blame yourself for her reaction. And if you lied, there's no guarantee you would have reconciled anyway. Keep working on yourself, your life, and leave her be. You can't make her be reasonable about this no matter how much you want that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 The last few days of leaving her be she will text and ask a question here or there about things in the past . I guess she's trying wrap her head around some things?? If she was finished wouldn't she just not care? If I have a need to say or ask something I ask her first and she is always ok with hearing it Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 If you have been married awhile, you may have lost contact with usual and customary behavior patterns, one of which is, while they might not desire you or love you, women can certainly like that you desire them and are thinking of them and are giving them attention. Your estranged spouse is now, for all intents and purposes, one of the billions and subject to the same behavior patterns and impetuses as any. You are familiar and you desired her once. She likes that. Engaging you, regardless of intent, gives her validation. If you were a zero, you'd be a zero. After a while, you will be. Up to you how long that takes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 What do you mean will be a zero? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 What do you mean a zero? Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 The last few days of leaving her be she will text and ask a question here or there about things in the past . I guess she's trying wrap her head around some things?? If she was finished wouldn't she just not care? If I have a need to say or ask something I ask her first and she is always ok with hearing it Not necessarily. She probably is hurt that you dated someone, and in trying to get through grief, people often ask questions. They wonder if/where they went wrong, thinking they did or didn't do something that could have prevented the situation at hand. It takes two to tango. Both of you made mistakes that culminated in divorce. Both of you agreed to see other people. She gave consent for you to do something that she probably didn't believe would happen. You can't read her mind and if she wasn't prepared for you to see someone else, that's on her, not you. She has to accept that she gave up on the marriage for a time just like you did. No one can do that but her. This is out of your hands, and you have not done anything wrong here. Whether she comes to terms with her part in this isn't for anyone to say. She may never get over it. Remember that you are not at fault for her pain right now. She brought it on herself and she has to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 Thank you for that. As much as i accept blame for what happened in my marriage, when I was going through a tough time with my son and also hurting from not seeing her for months, she is the one who stepped outside of our marriage first. I did not want to see anyone else. The only reason I dated and tried to move on was because she said she had moved on. I was forcing myself. And it was wrong. I knew in a matter of a few weeks that I still was in love with my wife and was sick to my stomach... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Thank you for that. As much as i accept blame for what happened in my marriage, when I was going through a tough time with my son and also hurting from not seeing her for months, she is the one who stepped outside of our marriage first. I did not want to see anyone else. The only reason I dated and tried to move on was because she said she had moved on. I was forcing myself. And it was wrong. I knew in a matter of a few weeks that I still was in love with my wife and was sick to my stomach... YOU are obsessing over the fact you slept with someone else and ignoring the fact that she left you due to big problems in your marriage, that had nothing whatsoever to do with you sleeping with a woman post separation. YOU and she have now had a long time to think about your marriage and she is now apparently further away from you than ever. I cannot see a way forward here, she views your "fling" as cheating and whilst not technically so, it doesn't alter the fact it has altered her perception of you. Piled on top of the stuff she left you for in the first place and the fact she has even further distanced herself from you, I just see a huge unclimbable mountain here YOU have to start looking at that realistically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 I would but can't help feeling like she still loves me. I know what we had, I know that she also reached out to me four weeks ago to see me at 1 am.. She lost a friend and I was the one she wanted . I guess I'm just holding onto whatever last shred of hope there is. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 She probably does still love you. But that doesn't mean that whatever the issues were in your marriage to cause you to separate will just disappear. At this point there is nothing you can do other than to take care of yourself. If she wants you back, you'll know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 Ok . I wanted to add one thing. Still trying to figure out where she's at. I'm starting to think she just needs some time to get over it. So about 5 weeks ago when I saw her at a wake, I was holding her the whole time. She walked me out, I told her I'd always love her and she said her also.. So four days later I knew that I still loved her. I went to the girls house I was dating. I felt so sick to my stomach that I layed for down on the couch and didn't wake up till the next morning. That same night my wife texted me and wanted to come over about 1 in the morning. The next morning I woke up off that girls couch and ended it. I ran to my wife and told her everything . She asked where I was the night before, and I told her what happened. She said she felt So stupid. I've been doing no contact for a few days hoping it will work. She texted me happy Easter yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Ok, so after pouring my heart out one more time she said, you have to know jumping back into a relationship right now is impossible. Why can't you just try to be my friend right now? And she's right. So I told her I am totally ok with that. I asked if that meant we could go out, see a movie and just hang and have fun and she said yes! So hopefully we can have a fresh , slow start. I still wish I had kept quiet, because she dos get really hurt, but at this point at least I don't have to worry about her finding out I held something back or lied 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted April 7, 2016 Author Share Posted April 7, 2016 It's been a little while since my last post. Want some opinions. So I have completely stopped pouring my heart out. My wife has said why can't you just try to be my friend right now. I said I can. We've agreed to spend a little time together soon to see a movie Etc... We are still going forward filing the divorce for the following reasons. 1. She needs that to get as much financial aid for school she can. 2. She just said for the first time referring to any kind of future together that if we were to work things out down the road that she would want to remarry and have a completely fresh start. I trust her, we've been together the last 8 Years. She is an honest person. I told her the other day if we can work things out I'd like to sell my house and we could take that money and buy something together. She said good she would want that also. The last thing I asked was if we can work this out down the road and I know it is an if. Could we tattoo wedding rings on our fingers . She said if that happens then yes. I feel like she has come around a lot and I am giving her space. Can I have some opinions on if this sounds to you like we have a real chance here to fix This? Please base your answers on the fact that she is an honest genuine person. Link to post Share on other sites
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