Is holding resentment toward my child rational?

[endlessabyss]

Me and my ex have extreme animosity towards one another, and it bleeds into our ability to raise our child together. A lot of it stems from the toxic relationship we had with one another, and hurt we inflicted on each other, although I believe I got the worse end of the deal. She ultimately found someone else, has the things she wants in life, while things went a little different for me.

 

 

Anyways, we had an arrangement were I could see my kid a day and a half a week for 20% of my income. This was working out for a little bit, but as of late my ex has had all these excuses why she needs Saturdays now, and will give me Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, that's it. She also demands me to keep forking over my income.

 

 

I told her if she breaks the deal with me than she will not be getting the funds I am currently paying to see my child. She told me if I refuse to let her have my child when she wants, and not give over my income, I will not be allowed to see her.

 

 

Now, this has caused a lot of pain for me. I love my child, but I am starting to feel resentment towards her because of this pain that stems from my love for her. I am trying to twist this pain around to rationalize wanting her out of my life right now, because I miss her.

 

 

It's sort of like not touching a hot stove because you will burn your hand. I honestly think about dying a lot because I don't feel like dragging around this baggage anymore (and I have been feeling bad for going on four years of this), I just don't have the courage to take my own life. I am depressed and silent at work most of the time, and when I'm done at work I usually just come home and sleep to numb the pain.

 

 

Now, before people start throwing out these irrational ideas of an attorney, I cant afford it. I am a slave to a large corporation, and they don't even pay me enough for essentials for myself, let alone an expensive attorney.

 

 

So, what I am trying to do is rationalize this scenario to help free myself from this emotional torture. The kid is a weapon of extortion and emotional damage.

 

 

I don't feel like worrying about this. I want a real family, to find a partner somehow, and me being depressed over something I need to let go isn't helping me.

 

 

I know this may seem extreme, but I find it very rational. Why would I desire something that causes me so much pain? It seems highly logical for me to stay away, and let my child be raised by her new family. I have tried my best, but it failed.

 

 

Time to move on.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I told her if she breaks the deal with me than she will not be getting the funds I am currently paying to see my child.

 

One thing that really stands out in your post, and it's not an answer to your questions - but it's the way you say (more than once) that you are paying 20% of your income to see your child.

 

You have a child, and you have to contribute to paying for its life. That doesn't equate to purchasing any time with your child. I think there is a problem with your attitude towards your responsibility towards your child.

 

Also, no matter what crap your ex is pulling, YOU are playing a full part in creating the scenario where your child is a weapon. Not doing that is up to YOU. You are a grown man with the responsibility of being a father. And active father, there for your kid, not bailing on it because your feelings are hurt and you are angry at your ex. It's up to YOU to not let your feelings about your ex poison your relationship with your child.

 

That means YOU will need to do whatever you can in order to fix your relationship with your ex enough that you are able to co-parent in a reasonable way. To me, from reading what you wrote, this would probably mean getting some counseling to help you work through all your negative feelings and hopefully get some ideas on how to work with your ex to make this situation OK for you and what's MOST important, best for your kid.

 

That said, though, your arrangement does not sound fair or right. If you have allotted time with your child it's not ok for your ex to keep jerking you around for her own convenience. But you have stated outright that you will not get legal help to create a custody agreement (which will include child support) that works for both of you. Have you explored any legal aid type of family law organizations? They must exist.

[mikeylo]

I agree, what a negative attitude towards your own child! You need to get yourself sorted out !

[endlessabyss]

One thing that really stands out in your post, and it's not an answer to your questions - but it's the way you say (more than once) that you are paying 20% of your income to see your child.

 

 

Yes, I pay 20% of my income to see her. Her expenses are all covered by me, for the most part.

 

You have a child, and you have to contribute to paying for its life. That doesn't equate to purchasing any time with your child. I think there is a problem with your attitude towards your responsibility towards your child.

 

 

Not at all, I pay for her expenses if I can have a relationship with her. Simple. What's going on is I am being pushed out of her life, but I should still be responsible for paying? Something sounds unequitable about that.

 

Also, no matter what crap your ex is pulling, YOU are playing a full part in creating the scenario where your child is a weapon. Not doing that is up to YOU. You are a grown man with the responsibility of being a father. And active father, there for your kid, not bailing on it because your feelings are hurt and you are angry at your ex. It's up to YOU to not let your feelings about your ex poison your relationship with your child.

 

I don't know what you're getting at that my feelings are hurt? I am completely professional about with my interactions with my ex. I only speak to my ex in regards to out child, and am timely with money when she needs it. I am also a great father to my kid. We always do fun activities together, and I devote every minute I have to her, while I do have her. I just don't sit her in front of a TV like most people here do.

 

 

Now granted, the alienation has begun to wear on me, which is totally natural and expected.

 

 

When I here: "You pay whether you see X or not", all I envosion is being taken advantage of, and being walked over.

 

 

That means YOU will need to do whatever you can in order to fix your relationship with your ex enough that you are able to co-parent in a reasonable way. To me, from reading what you wrote, this would probably mean getting some counseling to help you work through all your negative feelings and hopefully get some ideas on how to work with your ex to make this situation OK for you and what's MOST important, best for your kid.

 

 

I have already went down that route. What you are failing to compute is that this is a two way road, not one. This bit of your piece is superfluous.

 

That said, though, your arrangement does not sound fair or right. If you have allotted time with your child it's not ok for your ex to keep jerking you around for her own convenience. But you have stated outright that you will not get legal help to create a custody agreement (which will include child support) that works for both of you. Have you explored any legal aid type of family law organizations? They must exist.

 

 

Yes, I have explored most of the options available. Most attorneys won't even begin to talk to me w/o paying $400 for a half hours of advice. That simply isn't feasible with my current salary and debt.

 

 

 

 

What most people here will fail to realize that this is a monetary situation; the relationships are all based on currency. I am sorry to wake you up to reality. This is about power, force, and domination.

 

 

I agree, what a negative attitude towards your own child! You need to get yourself sorted out !

 

 

Ok

Edited February 27, 2016 by endlessabyss

[amaysngrace]

I think it's time you go down to the courthouse and fill out a few papers.

 

You don't even need an attorney, just a filing fee.

 

Demand full custody. This will give you leverage to negotiate. At the very least you should be able to get a decent amount of visitation with her each week.

 

Ask for a reduction in child support also. I'm not familiar with this part of it because I'm custodial parent but you should pick up the forms anyway to look them over and see how you can get a reduction there. You may even be able to go with the angle that she lives with two adults who help maintain the expense of the household compared to you just being one but you need to find out.

 

Make sure that you go to the civil courthouse where your daughter resides. Last time I filed anything it cost about $35.

[Tayla]

Is any of this court ordered? I find that both parents when court ordered seem to be more coherent to the laws.

 

Child support can be in non monetary ways. Again what did the courts decide?

 

visitation while open to circumstances .. still needs consistency.

 

Good luck if you did this "privately" without the courts.. neither of you are doing the child any favors. contact a lawyer.

[mrs rubble]

I think it's time you go down to the courthouse and fill out a few papers.

 

You don't even need an attorney, just a filing fee.

 

Demand full custody. This will give you leverage to negotiate. At the very least you should be able to get a decent amount of visitation with her each week.

 

Ask for a reduction in child support also. I'm not familiar with this part of it because I'm custodial parent but you should pick up the forms anyway to look them over and see how you can get a reduction there. You may even be able to go with the angle that she lives with two adults who help maintain the expense of the household compared to you just being one but you need to find out.

 

Make sure that you go to the civil courthouse where your daughter resides. Last time I filed anything it cost about $35.

^^^Do this.

 

My ex and I spent thousands on lawyers and parenting orders, in the end I gave up on lawyers and represnted myself. It wasn't too hard at all.

Like others have said the childs happiness and well-being is the most important and the courts will always act in favour of the childs welfare.

[CC12]

Visitation and child support are not related. Your kid still eats food and needs a roof over her head whether you're seeing her or not. You're responsible for a portion of those costs. Taking care of your responsibilities even if there's no visitation does not mean you're being walked over or taken advantage of.

 

Now, before people start throwing out these irrational ideas of an attorney, I cant afford it.

 

Hiring an attorney is not irrational. You and your ex can't/won't play nice, so getting outside help is the proper thing to do. I do not believe you when you say that 20% of your income pays for most of your child's expenses yet you cannot afford an attorney. One of those things is not true. Please don't lie or exaggerate.

 

I love my child, but I am starting to feel resentment towards her because of this pain that stems from my love for her. I am trying to twist this pain around to rationalize wanting her out of my life right now, because I miss her.

 

So, what I am trying to do is rationalize this scenario to help free myself from this emotional torture. The kid is a weapon of extortion and emotional damage.

 

Whatever. You're just trying to rationalize taking the easy way out and freeing yourself from your responsibilities. I know you feel stuck right now, and I can get that, but what I can't get behind is this attitude you're exhibiting of being a loser and a quitter. "Time to move on." Jesus. You don't do that to a tiny human being that you created who probably thinks the world of you and loves you to death. How about you fight to make things right and to be a good dad?

 

Did you see how there were posters in this thread who were able to find their way down to a courthouse to fill out some documents on their own or represent themselves? Another poster suggested that you explore legal aid or other organizations that could help. If you look hard enough, I'm sure you'll find options other than paying an attorney "$400 for a half hours of advice."

 

There are a lot of people out there who are more broke than you who are somehow able to navigate getting court-ordered visitation and child support orders. You can do that, too, unless you continue to have this loser and quitter attitude.

[candie13]

She's twisting your hand to get the time she wants with your child, while you use the alimony to block that, to break her & her will, to get back at her.

 

Instead, i think You should be smart & be a good father. Just because you can't see her when You want to won't stop your kid from being hungry & wanting to eat.

 

Don't let your hatred for your ex make You become a poor parent.

 

Whatever you do, fill in with your duties and let her be the bad cop. Be good. Be supportive towards your kid. Think first & foremost at your child's better future.

 

If you don't pay and she won't let you visit the kid, where Will that end? Either in court directly - and you say You have no money but that is clearly what will happen - or you end up totally estranged from your kid, because Of the lack Of contact.

 

Your child is not a weapon of distruction Of your ex. Your child is a human being fully dependent on you. Fully. You only see her 1,5 days per week and now you even give those up. How are You a decent father ? How are You a decent human being ?

 

If you didn't manage to go on with your life, it's because Of all that bitterness eating up all your insides. Hating someone is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to drop dead. It doesnt work. It never works.

 

Work on your anger & acceptance, embrace the feelings of loss, go through this abandonment phase, if You want to pick yourself up & move on. See a therapist. You aren't thinking straight anymore. Really, do these 2 things:

 

1. Make A deposit for your ex with the cash needed for the alimony (all if it)

2. Set up an appointment with a therapist.

 

Kid on Saturday or on Friday, You need to start healing. Asap.

[Lois_Griffin]

WTF? Since when do you 'pay' for visitation? What is this - Rent-a-Kid?

 

What a skewed outlook.

 

Child support is the right of every child. You make your kid sound like some kind of a product that your rent in order to see a few hours a week. Jesus.

 

Regardless of HOW much you see her, that doesn't negate the fact that she still needs to eat, be clothed, have a warm dry home to live in, health care, and all the miscellaneous things every child needs. Regardless of her dysfunctional mother's constant manipulation, you still have a financial responsibility to the life you helped create.

[Gemma1]

My dad was like you with all of his kids. If he didn't get to see them, he wouldn't pay child support. It's not fair for you not to get to see your kid, but there ARE ways for you to enforce visitation. You just don't want to put in the effort. You don't even need a lawyer. But using this as an excuse not to contribute financially to your child's well-being is just sad.

 

Also, standard child support is 20% of your income, and standard visitation is every other weekend (1 day a week average). So you're actually getting a good deal. You need to either accept what you've been given or work to change it. Abandoning your child should not be on the list of options.

[mikeylo]

OP, get into therapy and get yourself sorted out. You brought this child into this world , it's your responsibility to provide her with basic needs and love is a basic need for every child.

 

If you think that you can swap no visit and no money , it's not going to work. You still have to pay for child support.

 

Honestly , if you are going to continue the path , you are going to be in more debt that you started with as eventually your wife will take you to the courts.

[elaine567]

Me and my ex have extreme animosity towards one another, and it bleeds into our ability to raise our child together. A lot of it stems from the toxic relationship we had with one another, and hurt we inflicted on each other, although I believe I got the worse end of the deal. She ultimately found someone else, has the things she wants in life, while things went a little different for me.

 

YOUR child will be very very aware of this and that is what you need to concentrate on solving and not concern yourself as to whether you are getting "value" for your money.

 

You don't want your child growing up angry, resentful, bitter and twisted.

Kids tend to learn their behaviours and how they deal with life, from their parents.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Yes, I pay 20% of my income to see her. Her expenses are all covered by me, for the most part.

 

 

 

 

Not at all, I pay for her expenses if I can have a relationship with her.

 

Why do you feel that taking care of the needs of your child is a thing you only have to do in exchange for something?

 

Go to court, file on your own behalf, work on your custody agreement - and get clear on the fact that you are going to need to support your child all her life whether you get what you want out of her or not.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like you need counseling to cope with this in a healthy way and also once you're in better place emotionally and can handle things in a mature calm way, get a lawyer and sort out a proper custody arrangement. Your ex can't just dictate when you can see your kid and then demand money.

 

Child support is one thing, spousal support is another. She is with someone else now so it should be just child support.

[anika99]

You and your ex are both behaving selfishly and immaturely and using your kid as a pawn in your power struggles with each other. Visitation and child support are two entirely different issues. Your ex has no right to withhold visitation from you as a way to demand more child support. That is harmful to your child. You have no right to withhold child support as a way to demand more visitation. That is harmful to your child. Smarten up.

 

Of course it's not rational to resent your child. Good grief! Did you really have to ask that question? Your child is an innocent victim of you and your exes childish games.

 

What steps have you taken to get legal visitation? As many others have stated, it's unlikely that you will need a lawyer. My son fought for his parental rights without a lawyer and he won. I also had an ex for who routinely took his son's mother to court whenever she would start violating their shared custody agreement and he did it all without lawyers. Family court usually doesn't require lawyers and they offer other options as well like mediation services. I get the feeling you haven't even done any research to learn about your options. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get moving. Stop childishly directing your resentment onto your child and pay your support.

[turnera]

Wow, interesting perspective.

 

Maybe you SHOULD just disappear from your child's life. So he/she can move on and find a dad who believes it's his responsibility to take care of him/her just because...well, he helped create the child. Instead of what he can get out of it.

 

Your hatred toward your ex for 'ruining your life' is bleeding into your child's life. I'm sure your 'big corporation' has an Employee department that can get you some counseling; you really need it, before you alienate your own child from you.

 

And it doesn't cost anything to file some divorce papers; just look up your county's website.

[clia]

I agree with the others. There's no reason why you can't go down to the courthouse and file papers seeking joint custody or to enforce your custody arrangement. There are also often legal aid organizations who can help you out either for free or a reduced rate. Have you tried to do any of that?

[GunslingerRoland]

Lawyers are overrated. You can do a lot of the work yourself and law students offer free legal advise on civil cases at the courthouse.

 

 

Also I'm not sure where you live, but I've never heard of lawyers charging $400 for half an hours legal advise. The lawyer I go to, has handled multiple things for me, and charges less than a 1/4 of that.

 

 

I know you don't think the legal system is your best bet. But 20% of your salary should dwarf a one time legal fee. If it doesn't, the first order of business is to get a better job.

[preraph]

Look, when someone is trying to change the visitation order, you just refuse and she can take it to the judge. That needs to be done legally; otherwise, let's say you agree to it and then later she sort of double-crosses you and say you're the one who won't stay on schedule.

 

Stay on schedule and tell her you're not changing anything unless it's before the judge.

 

And leave your kids out of this mess.

[serial muse]

OP, since you ask: No, I don't think it's rational. I suspect you don't really, either, but you're angry at the world, and your ex, and your child is a tangible expression of a situation that you're probably not very proud of, so why not resent her instead of yourself?

 

You spend a lot of time dwelling on the pain this has all caused you. This is a kid who's basically had a deadbeat dad for a father most of her young life; you've already walked away twice because it was too hard to work out a plan for visitation/coparenting. I imagine she must be pretty confused about how much you value her; and now you're contemplating doing it again?? SMH. It may seem rational to you to frame things in a mercenary/power/domination way, but from here it just sounds empty. She's a child, not a 401K or a real estate deal.

Edited March 1, 2016 by serial muse