Promising men trying for sex on first date :/

[edgygirl]

I prob write back 1-2% of guys who message me... extremely selective and only the ones that I see potential with. I guess in that sense the odds are against men online.

 

But worry not, because odds are against women after we become interested in someone... it's the men who end up wanting to run away or avoid commitment.

 

im not hot and i must not be cute either and no one writes be despite being 6 foot 2 with an average body. lawyers arent intellectuals. more like politicians.

[NYC-BigKat]

If you're spending a lot of time chatting or writing and such, they consider this time as you two getting to know each other (personality) and emotionally connecting and they think about you a lot (yes, sexually), so when you meet in person, they want to do something about all these thoughts they've been having....

 

If you want to instead get to know each other in person rather than thru electronic media, then skip the chatting and meet up earlier, so you can get to know each other live in person.

 

Yup u make very very good points & yup I like it a lot. Lots of guys wasted a lot of time already talking to u online so now they want some action u know & its pretty normal I think to move things to the next stage & stuff.

[preraph]

If they are treating you like a queen until you meet, then yes, I would be worried you're sending the wrong signals. I mean, on OLD of course you get most men wanting a one-nighter, and half of them are married, too. Especially in your age group. Still, if they seem like gentlemen until you meet and you haven't said anything suggestive or sent them suggestive photos or anything which you shouldn't, then be sure you're not dressing sexy and just dress nice and not lowcut and not showing much skin or wearing anything clingy. Dress like a lady if they are treating you like one. I mean, you can wear a little v-neck but don't show a bunch of anything. And then don't sit there and drink like a fish because you're making yourself a target many men find hard to take advantage of if you do. Limit yourself to a couple and eat some food. Stay sober and in control.

 

If you're not already asking, be sure and ask if they're married before you keep even talking to them online. Some won't tell you but some will.

[xxoo]

Thing is, I am not sure what other "kind" of men to go for... I go for men I have intellectual chemistry with and am not repulsed by their looks, and also who have their life together. What should I go for? People I have no chemistry with and I'm repulsed by? lol. There is no other kind of men... I go for the only ones I am attracted by, brain wise and well a little also looks-wise. Not much choice left after that. Even this is hard for me to find.

 

I could go for men who don't have their life together professionally and are not my intellectual type, that would make it easy to find a relationship... but no, I don't want to.

 

 

 

Could be... but I state clearly I am looking for a real relationship. Although I responded to okc sex questions... Should I just delete all my responses? Ugh That might be it.

 

YES. Delete the sex question answers. Immediately.

 

As for what kind of men to go for, the answer would not be to go for men who are not intellectual or don't have their life together, but maybe to meet men who clearly have their life together but aren't immediately connecting with you online. Just choose a few men that have good profiles and life stats and appropriate goals (marriage, if that's what you want), and MEET them. Give each up to 4 meetings unless something comes up that is an obvious, "No."

 

The guys who connect with you strongly online are smooth and likely connect with lots of women online. Try meeting some men who don't charm you immediately and see if still waters run deep. Meet enough of them and I'm certain you'll discover a gem.

[edgygirl]

Well, the guy with whom this happened recently, also added me on LinkedIn. I know exactly who he is and where he works (very public position) - so no, he is not married, he's divorced. I haven't had that kind of problem online actually.

 

I dress very cool, my background is in design so I like to think I know what I'm wearing. As for the drinking part, I had 1 glass of wine at dinner with co-workers before meeting him, and 2 with him. It was indeed one too many for me as I'm thin and it did cloud my judgement... that's usually the case with me when I end up doing things I shouldn't have so I should be smarter about it indeed.

 

If they are treating you like a queen until you meet, then yes, I would be worried you're sending the wrong signals. I mean, on OLD of course you get most men wanting a one-nighter, and half of them are married, too. Especially in your age group. Still, if they seem like gentlemen until you meet and you haven't said anything suggestive or sent them suggestive photos or anything which you shouldn't, then be sure you're not dressing sexy and just dress nice and not lowcut and not showing much skin or wearing anything clingy. Dress like a lady if they are treating you like one. I mean, you can wear a little v-neck but don't show a bunch of anything. And then don't sit there and drink like a fish because you're making yourself a target many men find hard to take advantage of if you do. Limit yourself to a couple and eat some food. Stay sober and in control.

 

If you're not already asking, be sure and ask if they're married before you keep even talking to them online. Some won't tell you but some will.

[RRM321]

Any thoughts?

 

Online dating sites attract a severely skewed subset of men. Your going to meet a lot of less than genuine players in that arena who set the bar pretty low for achievement. Perhaps you can find a better way to screen for these types. Otherwise, it's a numbers game - 10 frogs for every prince.

[Popsicle]

I agree with the get offline advice, but I tried to say that earlier....

[edgygirl]

I am doing it as we write. I always thought it was playful, as I am kinky, but you're right. Might be attracting a few weirdos.

 

I do try to choose men who seem to want to be in a relationship. But I agree I should go for men who seem a little less exciting than I'm used to initially.

 

YES. Delete the sex question answers. Immediately.

 

As for what kind of men to go for, the answer would not be to go for men who are not intellectual or don't have their life together, but maybe to meet men who clearly have their life together but aren't immediately connecting with you online. Just choose a few men that have good profiles and life stats and appropriate goals (marriage, if that's what you want), and MEET them. Give each up to 4 meetings unless something comes up that is an obvious, "No."

 

The guys who connect with you strongly online are smooth and likely connect with lots of women online. Try meeting some men who don't charm you immediately and see if still waters run deep. Meet enough of them and I'm certain you'll discover a gem.

[edgygirl]

The guy whom I've been agonizing over for a couple of days and caused me to create this thread just wrote me... he said he spent the day with his kids.

 

He did act a little weird on texting the day after but I don't think he's a jerk and I don't think my picker has been so off lately. Still I don't think I'll ever sleep again with someone on a first date... I'll a few dates to sense the person better.

Edited February 28, 2016 by edgygirl

[AMJ]

Early 40s but look in my 30s. Sometimes people say I'm late 20s haha.

 

Any particular reason you're asking?

 

As I was reading this thread, I also wondered how old you were. Since you mention dating men in their 50s...but you sound like a woman in her 20s. You seem a bit aloof or naive about this subject. I don't mean that to be harsh, but people responding have been tip-toeing around the basic point that-

 

Yes, it's the biggest double-standard of all time, but if you sleep with a guy on the first date, he will lose so much respect for you.

 

I'm not judging here. I've done it too. My problem is that I'm so selective about who I sleep with, there are painfully long stretches of time where I'm not having sex at all (like now) and when I finally meet someone I'm really attracted to, it's nearly impossible to wait a normal amount of time to jump into bed with them. The last two relationships I had began with having sex on the first date. Both of those men had serious commitment issues, however, and the relationships ended in tragic fashion.

 

I've had this conversation with men plenty of times, which is why I'm telling you now, that even though they WANT to have sex with you right away- they actually DON'T want to have sex with you right away. I know, it makes no sense. But if you have sex too soon, they're thinking "YES! We just had sex. Wait, how often does she do this?" And you're thinking "I hardly ever do this! I really like him and I finally found someone I really like". You can even have this discussion together to sort it all out, but I think the boundaries are forever tainted when sex happens too soon. There are exceptions to the rule, of course.

 

But I look at sex on the first date just like any other dating mistake people make. I texted him too many times, I sounded needy in a text, I made an awkward joke on the first date, I mentioned my ex on the first date, etc. Sex on the first date is a bigger mistake than those, but a mistake nonetheless.

 

That is, unless you don't care about finding a relationship. Then, carry on.

 

And you're wondering if it's something you're doing that keeps putting you in this position. Yes, if you find yourself in this position often, then it's absolutely something you're doing. Is it the sex questions on your OKCupid profile? Well, that's a start. But is something happening on the date that leads things to sex right away? Yes, definitely. We're not on your dates so we can't know exactly what you need to change...but you can start to observe yourself to get a better idea.

 

A few weeks ago, I ended up making out with my date outside the restaurant. We had a good time together, and there was a decent amount of chemistry. Kissing was really fun, and believe me, I really wanted to go home with him. But I didn't. It's a conscious decision I've learned to make...rather than going with the flow and letting things happen, I've learned to cockblock myself. For lack of a better word. You can do it too.

 

Also- how do you even get so many dates with lawyers? All of the ones I talk to can never even find time to go on a date, it's all- oh this trial is keeping me so busy, and I can't ever get out of the office while I'm working on this case, etc.

[edgygirl]

Hmm 20s??? Wow, ok. I am myself and not trying to behave in a certain way to seem my age or so - I don't believe in that. And I don't think I'm aloof. I am ENFP in Myers Briggs. We might seem not be super concise as we do speak (or write) before thinking things through, but we make up for that by being one of the most creative types around and having a million ideas run at the same time in our heads - prob why I seem aloof to you.

 

I totally agree with the bold part below and I've been thinking about it for the last two days. It's exactly what happens and I can see it with this guy.

 

I usually do hold myself, but once in a while, (apparently once a year) if I had one too many wine glasses (and I really like someone and think they're promising) it may happen. In this case, I was traveling for work, his house was in the same neighborhood of the hotel I was staying at, and he came to the restaurant bar, they had live music, everyone was drinking... it was all too easy to mess it up He pushed hard in the end saying nothing would happen, that we'd only be hugging and hanging out. and I caved in. Yeah sure nothing would happen. Ugh.

 

I probably need a FWB although I hate the idea because I admittedly got to horny as I haven't been having sex as I don't want to be with someone who means nothing to me. But then it creates issues like this when I do find someone I like.

 

Lawyers are the busiest indeed... but they do find the time, obviously. The lawyer I dated 2 years ago worked everyday from 10am to midnight minimum and still had energy to make time for me - guess you just have to find the right ones I've also been super busy lately, but you do make time when you really want it.

 

As I was reading this thread, I also wondered how old you were. Since you mention dating men in their 50s...but you sound like a woman in her 20s. You seem a bit aloof or naive about this subject. I don't mean that to be harsh, but people responding have been tip-toeing around the basic point that-

 

Yes, it's the biggest double-standard of all time, but if you sleep with a guy on the first date, he will lose so much respect for you.

 

I'm not judging here. I've done it too. My problem is that I'm so selective about who I sleep with, there are painfully long stretches of time where I'm not having sex at all (like now) and when I finally meet someone I'm really attracted to, it's nearly impossible to wait a normal amount of time to jump into bed with them. The last two relationships I had began with having sex on the first date. Both of those men had serious commitment issues, however, and the relationships ended in tragic fashion.

 

I've had this conversation with men plenty of times, which is why I'm telling you now, that even though they WANT to have sex with you right away- they actually DON'T want to have sex with you right away. I know, it makes no sense. But if you have sex too soon, they're thinking "YES! We just had sex. Wait, how often does she do this?" And you're thinking "I hardly ever do this! I really like him and I finally found someone I really like". You can even have this discussion together to sort it all out, but I think the boundaries are forever tainted when sex happens too soon. There are exceptions to the rule, of course.

 

But I look at sex on the first date just like any other dating mistake people make. I texted him too many times, I sounded needy in a text, I made an awkward joke on the first date, I mentioned my ex on the first date, etc. Sex on the first date is a bigger mistake than those, but a mistake nonetheless.

 

That is, unless you don't care about finding a relationship. Then, carry on.

 

And you're wondering if it's something you're doing that keeps putting you in this position. Yes, if you find yourself in this position often, then it's absolutely something you're doing. Is it the sex questions on your OKCupid profile? Well, that's a start. But is something happening on the date that leads things to sex right away? Yes, definitely. We're not on your dates so we can't know exactly what you need to change...but you can start to observe yourself to get a better idea.

 

A few weeks ago, I ended up making out with my date outside the restaurant. We had a good time together, and there was a decent amount of chemistry. Kissing was really fun, and believe me, I really wanted to go home with him. But I didn't. It's a conscious decision I've learned to make...rather than going with the flow and letting things happen, I've learned to cockblock myself. For lack of a better word. You can do it too.

 

Also- how do you even get so many dates with lawyers? All of the ones I talk to can never even find time to go on a date, it's all- oh this trial is keeping me so busy, and I can't ever get out of the office while I'm working on this case, etc.

Edited February 28, 2016 by edgygirl

[preraph]

Well, the guy with whom this happened recently, also added me on LinkedIn. I know exactly who he is and where he works (very public position) - so no, he is not married, he's divorced. I haven't had that kind of problem online actually.

 

I dress very cool, my background is in design so I like to think I know what I'm wearing. As for the drinking part, I had 1 glass of wine at dinner with co-workers before meeting him, and 2 with him. It was indeed one too many for me as I'm thin and it did cloud my judgement... that's usually the case with me when I end up doing things I shouldn't have so I should be smarter about it indeed.

 

Well, you could just have one drink. Can you think of anything that went on after you were there for the drink where he was respectful one minute and then just starting hitting on you? Any little thing? Or maybe he was the one who got drunk and his behavior changed for the worse? I mean, no way of knowing when he started drinking.

[GoodOnPaper]

The guy whom I've been agonizing over for a couple of days and caused me to create this thread just wrote me... he said he spent the day with his kids.

 

He did act a little weird on texting the day after but I don't think he's a jerk and I don't think my picker has been so off lately.

 

This makes me think he could just be processing things. I know the first assumption about a man who cools off after early-date sex is that he's being manipulative - and maybe it's justified much of the time - but not necessarily.

 

Sometimes men don't separate sex and feelings as much as we think we can (or should) - and you are likely dating men with histories of sex primarily within marriage or LTRs. The opportunity for early sex is great, but in the aftermath, it may dawn on us that the woman who was in our life is now IN OUR LIFE. It's kind of like making a huge decision, say about a big job offer that would take you across the country, where you thought you had a few weeks to mull it over then suddenly realize you have to make it NOW. This kind of thing happened to me twice, once I did the fade-out, and the second time, we ended up married. In neither case, was I intending to be manipulative or deceptive about things.

[edgygirl]

He doesn't look manipulative to me (the guy with whom it happened a year ago did look manipulative).

 

Probably processing yes - what will come from the processing doesn't sound promising as he did change his behavior after sex... He's colder.

 

I may also say, I saw he deleted his online profile yesterday. I found it weird and am wondering what might be going on in his head.

 

I find it sad that it seems with his ex he kind of fell into it as she became pregnant between breakups and reconciliations, and later they realized they are not compatible at all.

 

This makes me think he could just be processing things. I know the first assumption about a man who cools off after early-date sex is that he's being manipulative - and maybe it's justified much of the time - but not necessarily.

 

Sometimes men don't separate sex and feelings as much as we think we can (or should) - and you are likely dating men with histories of sex primarily within marriage or LTRs. The opportunity for early sex is great, but in the aftermath, it may dawn on us that the woman who was in our life is now IN OUR LIFE. It's kind of like making a huge decision, say about a big job offer that would take you across the country, where you thought you had a few weeks to mull it over then suddenly realize you have to make it NOW. This kind of thing happened to me twice, once I did the fade-out, and the second time, we ended up married. In neither case, was I intending to be manipulative or deceptive about things.

[edgygirl]

Well, he hasn't been drinking as he was in a game with his son right before meeting me. He was very affectionate from the moment he saw me... but in a way I enjoyed. I'm okay with physical affection/touch specially because he was very interested in me as a person too, not only in the date but beforehand during our communications.

 

Then when we were about to leave, he kind of threw me against the parking lot wall, and pushed me against it... it was hard to go back from it. He had asked if he could join me in my room and I said no, he insisted that nothing would happen... we saw couples all around us leaving together. I thought wth... and let him come. Yeah. Stupid. I haven't slept with anyone in a while and the last guy I dated last year was meh in bed. I was too horny as well.

 

Next time I won't have more than two glasses on a first date, ever.

 

Well, you could just have one drink. Can you think of anything that went on after you were there for the drink where he was respectful one minute and then just starting hitting on you? Any little thing? Or maybe he was the one who got drunk and his behavior changed for the worse? I mean, no way of knowing when he started drinking.

[AMJ]

The opportunity for early sex is great, but in the aftermath, it may dawn on us that the woman who was in our life is now IN OUR LIFE. It's kind of like making a huge decision, say about a big job offer that would take you across the country, where you thought you had a few weeks to mull it over then suddenly realize you have to make it NOW. This kind of thing happened to me twice, once I did the fade-out, and the second time, we ended up married. In neither case, was I intending to be manipulative or deceptive about things.

 

Exactly. It's not necessarily that men are being deceptive when they back off, it's just that early sex took things to a whole new level and they need to reassess where their head's at. Whereas, you already knew what you wanted, which is why you slept with him and took the next step in the first place. It's just too much too soon.

[AceCutty]

Katie... so you made me think...

 

No they do not say it's all they want. It's just that if I like them a lot, am vulnerable and go for it, (it happened a year ago and then again recently) men seem to turn 180 degrees - from being 100% into me and looking like good matches to becoming weird just because... it happened.

 

Guess I have to remember that that's what happens and never ever cave in early on even if I feel comfortable. Most men don't seem to have the tools to deal with early intimacy as us women do.

 

It seems most men will try - maybe to see what they can get away with or test you to see if you're gf material or so? If I refuse and stand my own, it's usually all good. They seem to keep being interested in general.

 

Still it annoys me. I feel like a piece of meat. How come I am equipped to sleep with someone early on and keep the interest, and men can't do the same usually? I find it fascinating.

 

I can't speak for all men, but I used to test women in this manner. However, it was natural. I didn't consciously know that I was doing that.

 

I am not a sex fiend, but I always tried to have sex with women on the first date. If a woman did sleep with me, I would naturally lose interest and only view her as a booty call. If she didn't sleep with me, I gained respect for her and my interest grew.

 

As I started thinking about it more, I stopped doing this since it gave women the wrong impression.

 

However, I now have conscious tests to see if the woman is or has been promiscuous.

[road]

 

Lawyers are the busiest indeed... but they do find the time, obviously. The lawyer I dated 2 years ago worked everyday from 10am to midnight minimum and still had energy to make time for me - guess you just have to find the right ones I've also been super busy lately, but you do make time when you really want it.

 

 

 

So if he was the "right one" what went wrong?

 

 

Again I think you are too rigid in who you will date and you are ignoring father time. Even when a women that is 40 and can pass for 30 is still not 30. The dating pool gets smaller with every year that you age and the quality gets reduced as well.

 

 

I don't know maybe you wear to much rouge on your cheeks EG. Maybe being the edge is not where it's at.

[road]

Well, he hasn't been drinking as he was in a game with his son right before meeting me. He was very affectionate from the moment he saw me... but in a way I enjoyed. I'm okay with physical affection/touch specially because he was very interested in me as a person too, not only in the date but beforehand during our communications.

 

Then when we were about to leave, he kind of threw me against the parking lot wall, and pushed me against it... it was hard to go back from it. He had asked if he could join me in my room and I said no, he insisted that nothing would happen... we saw couples all around us leaving together. I thought wth... and let him come. Yeah. Stupid. I haven't slept with anyone in a while and the last guy I dated last year was meh in bed. I was too horny as well.

 

Next time I won't have more than two glasses on a first date, ever.

 

 

And, why does there even have to be wine on date? Specially the first date.

[edgygirl]

I say "no thank you" to your ageist comments. I don't have any problem getting dates, thank you. You think I am too rigid? Great. I am. And will continue being.

 

Rouge...? Wth. Hey, please abstain from meaningless comments. Appreciated.

 

So if he was the "right one" what went wrong?

 

 

Again I think you are too rigid in who you will date and you are ignoring father time. Even when a women that is 40 and can pass for 30 is still not 30. The dating pool gets smaller with every year that you age and the quality gets reduced as well.

 

 

I don't know maybe you wear to much rouge on your cheeks EG. Maybe being the edge is not where it's at.

[edgygirl]

Lord. Go back to your puritan monastery, k?

 

And, why does there even have to be wine on date? Specially the first date.

[edgygirl]

It's quite obvious to me now most men do this...

 

That's the only thing that makes sense. He was crazy about me right before and now turned cold. And he's def not the ahole kind.

 

Sometimes I feel men are one notch down in the evolution... sorry.

 

I can't speak for all men, but I used to test women in this manner. However, it was natural. I didn't consciously know that I was doing that.

 

I am not a sex fiend, but I always tried to have sex with women on the first date. If a woman did sleep with me, I would naturally lose interest and only view her as a booty call. If she didn't sleep with me, I gained respect for her and my interest grew.

 

As I started thinking about it more, I stopped doing this since it gave women the wrong impression.

 

However, I now have conscious tests to see if the woman is or has been promiscuous.

[preraph]

I guess maybe him being older, it was harder to tell if he was sincere because he's had a lot of time to get good at being what it takes to get laid. I bet if you had said no and left, he'd either have given up or tried one more time and then ghosted if you still said no. Sadly, this puts us women who would like to have sex, just not with total strangers, in a bad position of having only one real tool to see if a person is interested in an actual relationship or not. And that's waiting and waiting and waiting.

 

If it was a "test" to see if you were promiscuous, then anyone who lays you to find out if you're promiscuous is a huge backwards-thinking hypocrit, so good riddance. I mean, it's okay if they do it, but not if you do. Honestly, I think that's just a convenient excuse for some guys to use as to why they hit and run. Some high moral ground, huh?

[road]

I say "no thank you" to your ageist comments. I don't have any problem getting dates, thank you. You think I am too rigid? Great. I am. And will continue being.

 

Rouge...? Wth. Hey, please abstain from meaningless comments. Appreciated.

 

 

Rouge is a joke not an insult. Look at your avatar.

 

 

I never said you are having problems getting dates.

 

 

I write to you because you are always complaining about the men that want to date you.

 

 

I do not dislike you. I want you to find Mr Right.

 

 

I do not like your avatar. I feel as if it is about to give nightmares.

[Grumpybutfun]

Testing for morality through trying for sex is like having sex to determine worth and that is sexist and hypocritical. Boys and girls who do this are usually insecure and have sexist views.i won't even get into lack of honor and integrity.

Just be who you are, and don't conform to rigid and outdated sexist ideas.

They are the ones who lose the opportunity to be with you,

Grumps