Promising men trying for sex on first date :/

[road]

And here's all the comments that I'd expected to read on pages one and two. OP you just need to learn how to control your own urges to have sex right away. The good guys will wait for it. Easier said than done, I know

 

 

Women confuse men always wanting sex does not mean that all men will not wait for a relationship first.

 

 

Yes there always will be men that want only sex and will not wait because they do not want a relationship.

[AMJ]

Women confuse men always wanting sex does not mean that all men will not wait for a relationship first.

 

 

Yes there always will be men that want only sex and will not wait because they do not want a relationship.

 

I mean, I look at it as a weeding out process for women, also. Men push for sex right away because they want the woman who makes them wait. Women want the guy who wants sex right away because- we want someone who's attracted to us- but we make them wait to weed out the guys who are worth the wait, and willing to wait.

[preraph]

Blah blah blah. Not interested in turning this thread into... one more discussion on this silly subject. There are a thousand threads on this. Mainly from very young puritan men who are looking for virgins. You want a non-promiscuous woman? Get one, my friend. I couldn't care less what men who think this way wants, I have zero interest in puritanical men.

 

Evolution made women more apt to deal with feelings that emerge after sleeping with someone - we don't turn into someone else when it happens and we don't devalue a man when it happens. We also don't need the silly testing to find out whether someone is promiscuous. Someone can be as promiscuous as they want when single - doesn't make any difference to me.

 

Yawn... Zzzzz.

 

Very well said.

[AMJ]

 

Evolution made women more apt to deal with feelings that emerge after sleeping with someone - we don't turn into someone else when it happens and we don't devalue a man when it happens. We also don't need the silly testing to find out whether someone is promiscuous. Someone can be as promiscuous as they want when single - doesn't make any difference to me.

 

Yawn... Zzzzz.

 

Well, actually...I do become a different person after I've slept with a man. I'm way more attached, more needy, have incredibly stronger feelings than before...I'm just pointing this out to say that, I think lots of men have experienced how some women react after sex, the way I'd react, and so they expect that your expectations of the relationship are going to change. In other words, lots of women expect a relationship to become more serious after sex, men are used to this, so they back off to manage your expectations.

[Randomlyrandomme]

And I've never devalued a girl if we slept together. I get these hormones when I ejaculate... I think oxytocin might me in there. It's a bonding and attachment hormone, not a "devalue the person that contributed to this great experience" hormone.

 

Just feel like that's a little sexist.

[edgygirl]

Many men I date have issues with my promiscuity?

 

I don't think I'm promiscuous. I've been dating for several years on and off, and this happened a few times only. First one with someone I didn't care about, then a year ago with someone I did care about and it fizzled out, and this year with this guy. Being in my 40s, I don't think that means I'm promiscuous as I probably been to dozens of dates.

 

If anything, they are promiscuous for trying right on the first date, not me. Thanks for the wishes.

 

I'm just responding to your issue. Obviously, many men that you date have issues with your promiscuity.

 

Don't blame that on me.

 

I wish you luck in finding one that's okay with it.

[edgygirl]

He just told me he really enjoyed spending time with me. He said he's sorry he was out of touch on the weekend as he had the kids and many activities planned. Also said he didn't change as I implied, and that I'm probably right that we shouldn't have gone so far on the first time we met.

 

We live in different cities but I go to his once a month, and sometimes he comes to mine to give lectures. So let's see how it goes. Thank you for your kind words.

 

At the end of the day if he likes you enough, he will ask you out again. The first date sex thing does give him a bit of information, but that's what dating is--collecting information about the other person.

 

Men don't toss high quality women out so capriciously.

Edited March 1, 2016 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

There's this too, I mean I am 5'4 and 116 pounds. I used to be really chubby for a couple of years so I can see the difference on how I'm treated dating-wise. Yeah now that you're saying it, it didn't feel that good back then, I was rejected a couple of times because of my weight, so you're right.

 

Edit: just a side note, that same night one of my new co-workers I had dinner with in a group, hit on me out of nowhere. He asked for my work cell as sometimes we work together, and sends me a message right away: "Do you think I'm handsome?":O Oh my... Was really weird.

 

Yes, this was my initial thought. You are probably very hot. Extreme hotness can set off all but the most cool men. So if you don't want those kinds of guys, you will have to find someone who is strong enough to control himself. There are worse problems to have, IMO. I would see it as a way to identify weaklings and pigs.

Edited March 1, 2016 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

Well, I'll give you that... I agree. I thought about it after I wrote.

 

But at least, it's kinda noble... we get more emotionally attached. Whereas they usually get weirded out. The Mars and Venus effect too... takes time to spring back. And some do back off to manage expectations.

 

Well, actually...I do become a different person after I've slept with a man. I'm way more attached, more needy, have incredibly stronger feelings than before...I'm just pointing this out to say that, I think lots of men have experienced how some women react after sex, the way I'd react, and so they expect that your expectations of the relationship are going to change. In other words, lots of women expect a relationship to become more serious after sex, men are used to this, so they back off to manage your expectations.

[edgygirl]

Hmm I read that it's the opposite for men and women... here's one example:

 

"The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women," Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp, the author of "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both" (Riverhead Books, 2007), told Marie Claire magazine in 2007. "In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle."

 

And I've never devalued a girl if we slept together. I get these hormones when I ejaculate... I think oxytocin might me in there. It's a bonding and attachment hormone, not a "devalue the person that contributed to this great experience" hormone.

 

Just feel like that's a little sexist.

[edgygirl]

Thank you. Wow, must be hard for you guys to focus... that's quite crazy.

 

Men are physical and women are emotional. Yes most men think about sex quite a bit. Some men will even go as far as undressing every women that walks by. It is in their nature. You may not understand it but that's how it is. They will never admit this for obvious reasons. If you are a man and you disagree with me on this post you are probably lying.

 

Having said that there are men who are sincere who think of sex all the time. Then there are men who are not sincere who think of sex all the time. Trying to weed out those who just want to bone and dump you vs. those who want to bone you and spend time with you is probably quite challenging. At the end of the day those who are sincerely interested in you will stick around for quite awhile without sex. Those who are not will blow up off after you reject them. Those are the ones you stay away from.

 

No man wants a promiscuous women so if you are dating a lot and are having sex with every guy who wants it you are eventually burying yourself. You wouldn't want to find that dream guy one day only to lose him because he found out that you were promiscuous.

 

So to answer one of your questions - is it because you are too hot? Whether you are or not guys are going to tell you you are hot. Guys are going to tell you everything you want to hear in order to prep you for that ONS. They will prey on low self-esteem, those looking for validation and those with no boundaries. Don't fall for it.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Hmm I read that it's the opposite for men and women... here's one example:

 

"The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women," Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp, the author of "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both" (Riverhead Books, 2007), told Marie Claire magazine in 2007. "In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle."

 

 

 

I don't mean to be argumentative, but after your blurb, I just read a couple studies ( I don't dig self help books)and it's been discovered that Oxytocin in men contributes to perception of arousal, maintaining an erection as well as (and I know I've felt it) during ejaculation. From my point of view, her claim of a desire to leave after sex is not anywhere CLOSE to my personal experience. The total opposite.

 

I honestly never feel as close or as intimate with someone as those 5 minutes post-coitus. It's a super ridiculous strong bond/euphoria/contentment with my partner. I'm honestly glad I don't sleep around because I fear I'll grow too attached from blowing a load.

[Randomlyrandomme]

They will never admit this for obvious reasons. If you are a man and you disagree with me on this post you are probably lying.

 

Sentence 1

I'm offended. You obviously didn't read through our manly yet sensitive posts, because several of us manly men have already discussed this openly. Some of us are self aware and honest enough to talk about it.

 

Stereotypes don't work!

 

 

Sentence 2

Regarding your second villainous stereotype of men who disagree being liars...

 

Hell , okay, that ones the most truthful statement I've ever heard!

[hotpotato]

I feel the pain.

 

In my years of dating, ive met very few men who would not push for sex very early. Ive dated many types,of men, and i can think of maybe 2 who didnt push for sex early. Even with one, when it came to sec its like he became a different person. The other was devoutly religious. Most religious men will have sex at the drop of a hat. This is one of the reasons i stopped dating. Nowadays i meet someone irl or i stay single. I stopped dealing with men as much and was much happier.

 

I hot tired of being treated like a means to an end and like a hooker. Many men act like buying a $12 dinner entitles them to sex.

 

Id try to do short dates that dont give him the opportunity to push you, like midday coffee dates.

[hotpotato]

My theory

 

Being a combo of the following

 

Good looking

(Testosterone + men more likely to think a woman is flirting when they are attracted to a woman)

Youthful

Friendly

Seeming naive/inexperienced

 

Will make men come at you extra hard.

I dont know if that applies to the op, only op can say, but thats my theory.

[Imported]

There's a balance to shoot for. Gotta be aggressive and...whatever. Honestly, sex is not that big of a deal to me. I actually enjoy just going out with a girl I find attractive and having a good time being out and about. However in my experience, failing to move things along towards sex can turn off women even more than appearing like all you want is sex.

 

Of course when you fail because of that, most women won't say you failed because of that. You just didn't click. Because you bored her. No excitement.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's an interesting mix between women who are totally put off by men trying for sex and women who are totally put off by men not trying for sex (whether it's conscious or not.)

[AMJ]

It's an interesting mix between women who are totally put off by men trying for sex and women who are totally put off by men not trying for sex (whether it's conscious or not.)

 

I will take a man who wants to sleep with me over a man who doesn't any day. Being able to decide when it happens is the best place to be in!

[NGC1300]

It's an interesting mix between women who are totally put off by men trying for sex and women who are totally put off by men not trying for sex (whether it's conscious or not.)

 

 

Yup, it's all a bunch of paradoxical BS.

 

They'll claim to be annoyed with men pushing for sex, yet if the attractive 'alpha male' comes along they'll have no problem giving it up to him.

 

From a biological standpoint, women should be far more attracted to men who want sex.

[Rumely]

From my experience, I disagree with the pressuring for sex premise. In a all my adult relationships, sex has happened without interminable dating. Anywhere from the night we met to 4th date. I've never pressured for sex and I would say in about 1/2 the cases the woman wanted it more than I did. (I'm somewhat of an introvert, so it takes me a while to get comfortable with someone.) Not saying this is right or wrong for other people, and I'm sure their experiences vary.

 

A man, promising or not, wanting sex shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. On the other hand, are you looking for one that DOESN'T want sex with you. No one should be pressure for sex or be pressured into having sex, but in reality most dating couples have it fairly early in the relationship. That is the expectation of the men. You need to let them know what your expectations are, and if you are the catch, they will stick around for a while. Don't expect them to stick around forever and don't expect them to be exclusive before you have sex.

[Robert]

Folks, the topic of this thread is not paying for sex. Moderation has moved 11 posts that were off-topic to this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/528139-consolidated-discussion-paying-female-companionship-pro-s-cons

 

If you have a missing post here, check there, and please stick to the topic in this thread. Thanks!

 

~6

[edgygirl]

I don't think you quite get it...

 

It's a little offensive to have a guy trying to bed you by the end of date 1. I LOVE sex and am extremely sexual, but in most case it doesn't work that well to end up in bed after you had a 2-hour date with someone you just met. Wouldn't you agree?

 

At least wait a couple of dates to start trying. That's the advice I'd give guys. Hot passionate kissing on first date that leaves you wanting more? Absolutely. Close bodies on the second? Yes. Hope you get my drift.

 

Of course I do want sex as much as guys do. But first I'd prefer a couple of dates with no pressure.

 

From my experience, I disagree with the pressuring for sex premise. In a all my adult relationships, sex has happened without interminable dating. Anywhere from the night we met to 4th date. I've never pressured for sex and I would say in about 1/2 the cases the woman wanted it more than I did. (I'm somewhat of an introvert, so it takes me a while to get comfortable with someone.) Not saying this is right or wrong for other people, and I'm sure their experiences vary.

 

A man, promising or not, wanting sex shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. On the other hand, are you looking for one that DOESN'T want sex with you. No one should be pressure for sex or be pressured into having sex, but in reality most dating couples have it fairly early in the relationship. That is the expectation of the men. You need to let them know what your expectations are, and if you are the catch, they will stick around for a while. Don't expect them to stick around forever and don't expect them to be exclusive before you have sex.

[edgygirl]

So I've been really shaken the days after, tried to cut ties with the guy. And then he wrote me saying he really enjoyed our time together and that he "definitely" wants to keep in touch. That was Monday. I thought great, we are going to start where we stopped - talking a lot and getting to know each other - even though I'm back to my city and we are a little long-distance, 1-hour flight away.

 

He hasn't been in touch since. It stung. To the point that today I was "whatever" about it and stopped thinking about him. Then he just wrote me.

 

I'll never understand how men behave. Is this normal for a 44 yo? Did he need this time alone to regroup this week after we were together? Is that what happens? Venus/Mars thing and going to the cave? Or what is it?

 

He's turning me off by not being in contact every day. Am I asking too much? He was in touch several times a day before we did it.

[road]

So I've been really shaken the days after, tried to cut ties with the guy. And then he wrote me saying he really enjoyed our time together and that he "definitely" wants to keep in touch. That was Monday. I thought great, we are going to start where we stopped - talking a lot and getting to know each other - even though I'm back to my city and we are a little long-distance, 1-hour flight away.

 

He hasn't been in touch since. It stung. To the point that today I was "whatever" about it and stopped thinking about him. Then he just wrote me.

 

I'll never understand how men behave. Is this normal for a 44 yo? Did he need this time alone to regroup this week after we were together? Is that what happens? Venus/Mars thing and going to the cave? Or what is it?

 

He's turning me off by not being in contact every day. Am I asking too much? He was in touch several times a day before we did it.

 

 

 

 

Contact a woman more than she wants and you are smothering her to stalking her.

Not enough to her liking then you're not that into her, just want to use her.

 

 

It is lose lose for men. I think the number one relationship problem people are too hung up on how they must follow the "rules" to court/be courted rather then just being honest, be themselves, and just court.

[bluefeather]

we are a little long-distance, 1-hour flight away.

 

Wow. that sounds really long distance! kind of romantic if you would fly to see each other. as for the guy "writing" to you.. seriously, people. stop texting and talk to each other.